Saturday, April 23, 2005

"That's Sexy, About The Soup..."

every time i am back on the singles' scene i swear off meeting boys from the internet. because internet dating is fraught with all sorts of terror, and i don't mean the "what if he's a serial killer" kind, either, which is also valid but not nearly as concerning as "what will i wear to meet someone i've never met?"

because you all know that internet dating turns normal dating on its head. you meet someone in a bar, you like them/they like you, you go on a date to find out if you have anything in common (you don't). whereas you meet someone online, you like them/they like you, you go on a date to find out if you have any chemistry at all (you don't).

the important difference between these two scenarios is, of course, the former might at least result in some hot hot action (by which i mean watching movies, Dad) and the latter results in believing that you will never attract another man ever again so long as you live. ever.

so i am officially swearing off internet dating again* for two reasons. the first being the deathly no-chemistry thing; the second being that google is awesome, but also links to my blog. and yes, people who date from the internet tend to use google and type in things like my name and find things like this blog.

[it's one thing to tell imaginary internet friends about tucking my paper towel into my bra as a special pre-date soup-eating maneuver. it is another thing entirely for the guy ON THAT DATE to be reading about it. breezy elegance indeed.]

so anyway, i'd love to detail my current dating life here (because god knows my dating experiences are utterly unbelievable), but it's probably best to not.

just wish me luck.

and consider sharing your stories instead. i know you have tons of them...







*after tonight.

24 comments:

  1. K-

    how embarrassing! God knows I have plenty of dating stories to share and have just started doing so on my blog. I'm hoping none of my internet dates find me!

    Best of luck in the SF dating world!

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  2. I've got more stories than you can shake a knitting needle at.

    Do you want us to post them here?

    DB

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  3. As your loyal fan of three days I'd be really disappointed if you stopped... divulging embarrassing info about your dates here. share! share! I'll tell all my friends, but that shouldn't scare you considering the 1000 miles between us. I find this blog the most educational of all the blogs i've run across. like the microphone ultrasound--i'll quit bitching about my dr.'s appointments to women for sure. and the female perspective to dating neurosis is important to see for me. gives me some perspective... give em hell, damn the consequences!

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  4. You could always remove your last name from your blog, thus providing a bit more anonymity and less google hits.

    (I just found you yesterday via the best of CL and then proceeded to back-read your whole blog on this Saturday evening while my husband napped on the couch.)

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  5. I have plenty of stories just no dating ones :(

    I *am* trying to get myself elected next Pope, however...

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  6. Hmm, dating stories? I recall the short guy who I adored, but who was so terrified of personal contact that he always broke out into a heavy soaked-pits sweat at some point in our dates. (Once I closed my eyes to kiss him goodnight, and when I opened them up after the brief kiss he had already zoomed back about 10 feet like Devo.)

    I can't claim any other oddball dating stories that I recall, having been married for more than 10 years, but I've been married three times (and blessed be my present husband), and I can share one of those "Why We Want to Smack Men Upside the Head Sometimes" stories.

    For example -- hubby #1 and I were visiting my mom for Thanksgiving, and we took a ride to talk because we were having one of our bitter fights over nothing in particular. We stopped at the Shake 'n Burger parking lot (you can't make up goofy place names like that), where he proceeded to identify seven major areas in which I was to improve if I wished to retain the privilege of remaining married to him. He was clearly prepared to talk.

    I listened attentively, unsure whether I wanted to hoot with laughter or beat him senseless. He had thoughtfully categorized my problem areas for me so that I could evaluate them more easily -- there were two major problems and five minor ones. (Two majors: Weight -- I had gained *gasp* 20 pounds during the past two years of living with some of his family members and struggling to buy our own home and live up to his Barbie-doll standards for me; and money -- I had a secret charge card with $500 on it that I had recently confessed to him. I was paying it off myself, but it still infuriated him. He probably still remembered the previous time I had spent $500 -- he had called me "dowdy" so I bought a new wardrobe and an exercise bike that night and sweetly assured him I was working to improve my appearance.)

    I listened to his litany (I had settled in with a "Oh hell, this is just too rich to miss" attitude), and he mistook my expression for something approaching repentance. He offered to let me think about these problem areas of mine to see if I wanted to take action on them ... within a "reasonable" time frame, of course ... but I assured him that no further time was necessary. Struggling to give this the serious facial expression that it deserved, I told him that I believed I was going to "pass" on that.

    I moved out of the house by the end of the next week. (His home town ... didn't want to stay there.) I know I make him sound like an utter ass, but I'm sure I drove him crazy in a multitude of ways myself. ;o)

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  7. (Warning: Very potty mouthed. K, you can delete it if you'd like. ~DB)

    MY PSYCHO-FREAK ALARM FAILED ME!!

    Several years ago I had the opportunity to travel to Reno/Sparks, Nevada for a two week training class on Dynamic Entries (for SWAT). In addition to Reno and Sparks being total adult playgrounds, in and out of the cities (meaning Mt. Biking, flyfishing, and rock climbing too), I had the benefit of my best friend living and working there. Instead of the usual hotel I stayed in the spare bedroom at his apartment. We had some serious fun while off duty.

    My best friend's room-mate worked plain clothes security at one of the casinos and I got an awesome behind the scenes look at casino security. While getting the very unofficial tour I was introduced to a young lady who was watching a large bank of video monitors. Long dark hair, great skin, dark eyes, and those cute but nerdy rectangular glasses.

    She gave me the quick rundown on how everything operated and let me zoom in and out on people. I, of course, zoomed down the cleavage of a sexy woman at one of the tables. I was just being funny but she just gave me that "typical man" smirk. Ok, I figured I deserved that. She started to say something and I interrupted her saying, "I like tits, so I'm not going to apologize." She laughed at that and gave me a wink. All too quickly the tour ended, and I was out on the casino floor.

    I'm not a big gambler, but I played for a while. Tried several different things out. Mostly I was doing the "cop thing," which is to observe people while not being noticed.

    After about three hours I'm at one of the many bars having a drink when, lo and behold, security woman walks up to me. She tells me that she had seen me walk into the bar right before she got off shift and wanted to know if I'd like to catch a cup of coffee somewhere. She explained she wasn't allowed to flirt with guests in the hotel. I agreed and we decided to meet at a restaurant down the street.

    After a good dinner and several cup of coffee we make a date for the next evening. She gets up and smiles, gives me a quick kiss on the lips and leaves.

    The next night I pick her up at her place and we go out on the town. Great night, warm and clear but not humid, the top's down on the car, and we're having a great time. Even better, the longer we're out the more clingy and amorous she gets.

    Things start to get hot and heavy so I take a chance and ask her if she wants to spend the night with me. She gives me a kiss and a grope and says, "yeah, let's go." At this point my PSYCHO-FREAK ALARM must have been malfunctioning because I had no warning of the impending train wreck she would turn out to be.

    We get back to the apartment and my best friend and his room-mate are both working the night shift. The clothes are quickly shucked while we proceed to fool around.

    Now I'm sitting on the edge of the bed and she's kind of sitting half on my lap. She's got her tongue jammed halfway down my throat and has a death grip on my crank. All of a sudden she starts with the, "does daddy wanna fuck his widdle girl," talk. Holy shit!!! The first freak alarm finally starts to sound. Unfortunately I only have enough blood to opertate one head at a time, so I'm not thinking to clearly.

    She continues with the whole daddy thing, which I kind of ignore. Finally, after lots of playing around she lays back and pulls me down on top of her. After a bit she tells me to get up. She rolls over and comands me to do her her doggy style. Which I happily comply with. All of a sudden she starts growling. I don't mean a womanly, "I'm cummin'" growl. Oh no, this is a wolf attacking another animal growl. Then she starts barking and howling. I'm kinda stunned, but hey, I roll with it.

    This continues off and on throughout the night.

    By the next morning she has left her cell and home number on the bedside table and has departed for home. I drift off into a brief but blissful slumber. Finally I wake up, and I'm very behind schedule. I take a quick shower, dress, and drive to class. While on the way I give her a quick call and tell her I'll call her in the evening since I'll be in class most of the day.

    After a brutally exhausting day, in a shooting house, under the desert sun I finally am able to carry my dead ass back to the apartment. I check my cell,... no messages. I grab a beer and jump in the shower. After scrubbing off the sweat, sand, and desert grime I enjoy the cool water for about ten minutes.

    I towel off, put on some khaki shorts and a Tee shirt, grab another beer and lay down on my bed. I figure I'll rest a bit and then call her.

    Suddenly I hear a very loud crash. I'm groggy and not all there. I look at the clock. Holy shit, it's one a.m. I must haved dozed off. I drag myself to a sitting position and start to get up to go investigate the noise, when here SHE comes at me. Full speed, naked, bleeding, and with a steak knife in her hand.

    "You son-of-a-bitch, you never called me back," she screams. She takes a swipe at me with the knife. My best friend comes running in and tackles her and his room-mate calls 911. The whole time she's yelling and screaming about me not calling her. I try to tell her what happened but she won't believe me. She keeps screaming and starts telling me how much she loves me and how good we could have been together. "DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!!!!" I Finally hear the alarms.

    The cops finally arrive and cart her off to jail.

    Later, while surveying the damage we find out that she jumped naked through the glass sliding door and grabbed a steak knife from the kitchen before charging to my room. There is blood everywhere. Carpet, walls, furniture, EVERYWHERE! We sit around talking about what happened while having a few more beers. Finally, at four a.m., I head to bed to try to get some sleep. Thank God it was Friday night/Saturday morning.

    I wake up around noon. Grab a beer and head out to the front porch to sit in the sun and smoke a cigarette. My best friend and his room-mate are already sitting there. We start talking about what happened. I apologize profusely and tell them I'll pay for all the damages. They're both laughing pretty hard and making fun of me.

    A few minutes later the manager of the apartment complex shows up and asks for my best friend. The manager hands him an envelope and walks off. He opens it and reads it.

    He was served a notice of a violation of the "no pets" rule and possible eviction. For having a HOWLING DOG in the apartment all Thursday night.

    Guess who's laughing now?

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  8. ha! funny post. i agree that with a set-up or blind date if there's no chemistry, you just feel like a failure. you wonder if you've lost your foxy allure -- even if the guy is totally unappealing, dorky, smelly, a bad conversationalist or cheap.

    this is probably why women need to spend more time getting empowered at curves, and less time dating :)

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  9. hah! i'm dating an online guy right now. he might be imaginary.

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  10. You ara a fucking riot....

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  11. I adore you and I'm okay with saying it.

    You and I are very similar and it kind of creeps me out a little... but you should be a little creeped out that some stranger is reading your blog and telling you that they adore you... hahahaha

    I'm going to link to you, if that's A-OK.

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  12. I would love to read your internet dating stories - there must be some way you can keep your suitors from reading them!
    I have so many bad ones, it's just plain embarrassing to think about. My favorite - this was a few years ago, when I had just moved to San Francisco and I was internet dating up a storm because I didn't know anyone in town and if nothing else it was a way to get out of the house and get to know the city a little. Plus at the time I was operating under this whole philosophy that there are some people who just don't come off as being that fabulous online, but it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t like them in person. So I was basically accepting dates with anyone who was:
    1. Not completely fugly
    2. More or less write able to a coherent sentence
    3. Capable of exchanging three or four emails without getting into graphic descriptions of his favorite sex acts.

    To balance out the risk of meeting so many random strangers, I was trying to be super careful about not giving out my last name or address and only meeting in well-lit public places. This is the story of the first and only time I broke that rule.
    It was a first date was with a guy I would never normally have been into. On the plus side, from his pictures he was very good looking, and he had a decent job and education. But other than he pretty much seemed like a tool. I accepted because I had nothing else to do on a Tuesday night, and the shallow part of me was really hoping that he would turn out to be as cute as his pictures but much more interesting than his emails.
    He suggested we meet for drinks and dinner. I showed up at the bar to find him already pretty liberally sauced. He wasn't really that cute - his pictures hadn't shown that he a little bit of a British teeth thing going, and was weirdly puffy. And he was a complete bore - one of his first remarks was that he preferred it when girls wore skirts on the first date so he could check out their legs. Be still my beating heart. We chit chatted through a couple of drinks, and then he stood up somewhat unsteadily and asked if I was ready for dinner. Honestly I was thinking that I would really like to get the hell out of there before the evening became a total loss, but this was back when I was a shy small town girl instead of the unabashed big city bitch I am today, so I was worried about hurting his feelings if I bailed out halfway through the date. Besides, he seemed like a jerk but in a harmless way. He led me away from the bar a couple of blocks to a smaller, sketchier residential street, and announced that we were at his apartment because he had to go up stairs and "take a leak." I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to wait alone on his crack head infested street (today it wouldn’t make me as nervous, but remember, I was new in town and really believed that everyone was out to mug me). I was still too stupidly polite to just tell him that I wasn't that into him and would rather head home. Also, it was freezing outside, there were no cabs in sight and I really needed to use the bathroom too... And besides, he didn’t strike me as dangerous, just obnoxious and dull. Like an idiot I went upstairs with him. He went to the bathroom first and then I went. As I was washing my hands I heard the strains of... Beethoven, very loud, coming from his living room. I came out of the bathroom to find him in the dark. When my eyes adjusted, I saw that he was sitting on his couch, paunchy and buck naked except for a giant cowboy hat (why, I don't know - he wasn't from Texas), in kind of a come-hither pose that will be forever burned in my brain. Needless to say, despite my four inch heels I sprinted out of his apartment, with him staggering behind me and calling me to come back in a drunken slur.
    To this day, I really can't believe that I was such a moron as to go into his place to begin with. I really think the only thing that saved me from much more than some traumatic visuals was that he was way too drunk to overpower me.
    Anyway, whenever I have a really bad date, I try to remember that at least the evening didn't end with being chased by a bloated drunk wearing nothing but a ten gallon hat.
    Keep up your blog - it's the highlight of my sad, cubicle imprisoned day.

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  13. grace, no worries. i'm sure i adore you, too. :)

    sarie, that is HYSTERICAL and so familiar...and also ew.

    your comments are great!

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  14. I hope we get an update as to what happened on this date.

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  15. i'd go out on a date with you even knowing the above info. mind you, would you go out with me knowing that i would go out with you?

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  16. fw, that depends.

    do you really look like mister clean? (because damn, mister clean is HOT.)

    (i'm so not kidding.)

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  17. Someone needs to start a public list that we can all access and donate to that lists all of the crappy men and nice men we have dated and the reasons why we hated them or liked them so that other women don't have to waste their time "getting-to-know" the ones that are a waste of time!

    This would save us all so much time. It would be great.

    We could list:
    1) Likes
    2) Dislikes
    3) Ability to clean up after himself (dishes, clothes, etc.)
    4) Sexual voracity
    5) Pays for dinner
    6) Self-centered on a scale of 1-10
    7) Cooks more than microwave dinner
    8) Does the laundry
    9) F@@king SLOB!

    I'm sure there are a million more areas that could be covered...

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  18. Uuuhhhh what about those of us that DON'T date men? Could we share stories about women? Although it's been a couple years since I've been on a date with a woman. I might have forgotten what they're like.

    No! I didn't change teams. It's just that most women don't know how to react to a veteran with a set of wheels strapped to his ass. LOL

    K, I sure hope my story didn't go over the top of what's considered good taste here. :)

    DB

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  19. Mr Clean? It's the whie eyebrown, right?

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  20. white eyebrows, buff arms, bald head, playful-but-stern look...

    sigh. i seem to have a crush on a logo.

    *looks for wine*

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  21. i guess we're out of luck since i have long hair past my shoulders [yes, i am a guy]

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  22. So, literally 10 minutes ago I was in the middle of that typically awkward first phone conversation-- you know the one after a few emails have been exchanged but before you have had your first f2f (face to face)-- and (you won't believe this) he HUNG UP ON ME mid-sentence. Hung up on me!! What are we 5 years old? Fine, you don't think we click? No problem-- seriously. But have the decency to end it with some kind of style. Christ.

    That's the thing about internet dating (to which I admit being mildly addicted)... are we losing our humanity? Have we completely thrown good manners out the window?

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  23. I'd love to share also my dating experience here in your blog but I haven't tried online dating so my story is in the real world scenario. I will start my story during my first year college wherein I have a classmate who seems to be so mysterious and so stubborn. I don't know him at first so I'll just call him Mr. Eyeglass because he always wear his glasses. Then I don't even know why everytime we met outside the school he always smile at me though were not that close. I can't help myself but to laugh at him and I can think that "is he flirting at me?"
    The next day, I was shock because he sits beside me and asking my number and also some personal stuffs. After giving him my number he texted me immediately letting me know that this is his number. Later on every weekend we keep on texting. To make the long story short we became good friends and after some months we became more than friends. Now, we became a happy couple for almost 4 years. I'm so thankful to God that He has given me great man.

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