Saturday, December 24, 2005

All Wrapped Up

it's just about 10 a.m. here in massachusetts, and i'm going on about four hours' sleep, but i'm in a joyous mood anyway because it's Christmas Eve Day and the gang's (almost) all here.

i flew out on wednesday and immediately fell into a whirlwind of babies (my nephew is quite a handful ohmygod how do parents do it?) and last-minute gift-shopping and cooking and -- mostly -- wrapping.

as we've discussed, i buy just about everything online and have it shipped here to my sister's house. this is a great deal, except that it means i have about one day to wrap *everything*. and that is not so easy. and somewhere around hour five, i start to get a little...punchy.

of course, wine helps.

and while we know better -- about adding wine to craft projects -- wrapping is pretty straightforward. there are no stitches to count or decrease or yarn over, you know? it's just cut and fold and tape and tear and tie and voila!

now, sure, there are scissors involved and probably i shouldn't be too cocky about how easy it is to wrap and drink lest i slice off a finger or something, but so far i have managed to avoid major injuries.

oh and? there is zero point to this entry (hi, thanks for checking in), because while there are nine bazillion funny tales to tell of my family and its christmastime debacles, i am a total zombie right now because -- apparently -- sometimes babies like to stay up all night crying.

but more to come, just after i finish taking this airborne, catching a quick nap, and making a broccoli casserole.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Bi-Curious Meatballs

so i appreciate that my urban family has come to the defense of my meatballs. i mean, they turned out fine and i didn't even set the kitchen on fire or anything.
[i um, did have a teensy accident with a questionably shaped candle and the resultant pink wax, though it's hardly worth noting. it's just that i am very sensitive to chopped onions, and good meatballs* require chopped onions. and while i think there's a way to chop onions so that you don't end up all teary and red-eyed and gasping for breath, i don't have any idea what that method might be. it's miracle enough i know to light a candle next to where the onion's being chopped, you know?]

[oh, right. my point was that the only candle i had on hand was a gift from Risey from japan. except it was a gag gift in that it is a candle fashioned to look like a large pink dildo.** and then i forgot i was burning the candle when i went to move the table out from the wall to give me more room and then the candle went flying and sputtered melted pink pseudo-dildo wax all over my linoleum floor. but this is all, as i said, hardly worth noting.]
i will say, though, that i am not sure what sort of "8 to 10" people the recipe's purported to serve, but i have to think they are very large people who are very hungry and might never eat again. because i made enough for a group of 8 to 10 people to have as a side dish (as meatballs are generally intended) and have enough meat leftover to make about 842 more. or so.

on the other hand, this has allowed me the rare opportunity to announce that as of this moment, i have actual LEFTOVERS in my fridge. like, something i could make an actual MEAL out of.

anyway, i think it is pretty cool that my ACTUAL family (not just my urban relations) got into the whole meatball making thing on saturday, too, completely by coincidence. (see comment by my cuznate.)

so there it is: bi-coastal meatball exploration. not exactly heartwarming lifetime movie moment-worthy, but kind of cool nonetheless.


and now i will stop posting about meatballs.


*like i'd have ANY idea

**whatever that is. hi, dad.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Christmas Meatballs

at 3:03 p.m. today i embark on a strange and unfamiliar journey. one involving ground meat and breadcrumbs.

yes. i hath decided that i shall venture to make meatballs for a holiday potluck this evening. a choice that makes as much sense as ever given that:
  • i have never made meatballs.
  • this is san francisco, and the food item i am preparing to bring to a potluck is not in any way healthy, organic, vegan, or even vegetarian.
  • according to the recipe, it takes 2 hours to do this, which translated into kristy time means 4 hours, which is interesting given that i need to be AT the shindig in 4 hours.
  • meatballs are not exactly a christmas/holiday tradition for me, my family, my friends, or really anyone i know.
  • no one asked for them.
and yet here i go.


FIVE Online Stores
FOUR Hours Of Shopping
THREE Confirmations
TWO Vodka Tonics and
ONE Boyfriend Later...

...i recovered from the most traumatic online shopping experience of my life. but wow.

now, let's clear up a few things.

first of all, i do not hate amazon.com. but the moment i saw the "will ship after december 24" as the culmination of WEEKS of site perusal and gift selecting, well. i just lost it. i may be late this year, but i DID know i had until 12/16 to purchase items and expect a 12/23 delivery. and telling me otherwise at the last minute was just mean. (and not a good business practice.)

also -- while i know that i could actually go the store to buy gifts, i will be traveling 3,000 miles for the holidays. so even if i went to the stores, i'd still have to have things shipped (or HA! try and take them on the plane with me). thus, i rely on the online.

in fact, i have been doing more than 90% of my christmas shopping online for six years now. and i don't mean to sound like a dotcom curmudgeon, but i gotta say i preferred the online shopping years ago, without all the bells and whistles. kinda like comparing toys of the 70s to toys of today, you know?

i mean, when i was a kid games were not fancy. a plastic mat with circles printed on it and a spinner was a whole afternoon's worth of fun.

Barbie didn't used to have interactive DVDs or try to teach us lessons, she had pink plastic cars and houses that she'd share with a genital-less man she wasn't married to and random younger sister-cousin-friend relations. the only lesson she ever taught me was that, no matter how talented a stylist i fancied myself, i should never actually take scissors to doll hair.

and sure, i've digressed, but stick with me and my crazy metaphor.

the point is, online shopping a few years ago was simplistic in a Barbie car kind of way. you were happy with your Barbie when her only accessory was a second pair of heels, and then you discovered she could come with a convertible! so suddenly instead of having to brave the stores and ship everything to new hampshire, you discovered you could go online in your pjs at 11 p.m. and buy stuff and have it shipped for you!

and wow, how cool.

you didn't even know what an interactive Barbie DVD was. why would you need to? your Barbie experience was just made infinitely better by the plastic car. what more could you need?

just like* you didn't know there could be such a thing as one-click shopping or cookies or remembering your ship-to addresses or online big brothers tracking your every move and trying to get you to buy more stuff by insisting that everyone ELSE who bought that book ALSO bought THIS book, and if you don't you're a loser. [editorialization mine.]

but now The Progress has happened.

and there is no going back to Barbie shoes or even cars. now Barbie has to have an entire digital empire complete with work-out videos, even though that is not at all what i would ever want from a Barbie. just like* how online retail sites have all been made super-high-tech except that all these changes have been made in the name of My Convenience, with absolutely nothing to support that claim.

like, okay. for My Convenience, i can get anything i want at amazon.com (despite that i was perfectly happy to simply buy books from them). but yep. for My Convenience, i can now get a belt and a book and a dvd and wine and a camera and a kitchen sink all in one place. i can! except for My Convenience, they cannot all be shipped at the same time or at the same price or on the same day if i want to receive any of them before christmas.

also for My Convenience, my name and password have been saved. except i have no idea what those were since i was given this convenient option last year and how am i expected to remember? and while i know that for My Convenience they can remind me what my password is, i do not feel like taking an extra ten minutes to go through that process, i'd like to just buy my fucking gifts now please.

oh, and i do appreciate that for My Convenience they have somehow managed to keep my shipping and billing addresses on file as well as my credit card number (despite that i never asked them to), except that for My Convenience i have moved, i have changed my name, and i stopped using that credit card four years ago.

so basically i'm saying (just in case you didn't get this from the brilliant metaphor) that i do NOT NEED you to build things for My Convenience, especially if they DON'T WORK. i don't EXPECT to be able to buy things at the last minute and have them arrive in time for christmas unless you tell me i can. so don't say i can and then say i can't.

i do not expect to be able to get everything from one store, so don't tell me i can and then have half of what i'm promised be out of stock or actually being shipped from a completely different vendor.

i do not expect you to keep all of my personal information on file so that you can tell me what i want to buy, how i want to pay for it, and where i want it sent. my own family can't keep up with my address changes -- why should some online store?

i just feel that a lot of the online world has, in its fury to figure itself out, gotten very messy.

anyway, i am done ranting and raving about this now.

for the record, i ordered only two items from amazon, and was able to get just about everything else i needed at Walmart.com** where the out-of-stocks were clearly noted and the shipping dates appeared on the items as they were added to my cart, AND where they are still accepting orders until the 19th for guaranteed christmas delivery. the site has seemingly fewer bells and whistles...and was a perfectly simple, pleasant shopping experience.


*or okay, not JUST like, but i'm playing with metaphors. leave me alone.


**yes, they have a website and yes, i shop there. shutup.

Friday, December 16, 2005

I Am Weird

not that this is news or anything.

but tonight? i dunno if it was the insanity of my online shopping experience last night (more on that later, aren't you so excited?), or like the fact that i haven't slept nearly at all this week, or that work has been busy and i have about a hundredteen little projects in the works and i've just, therefore, lost it, but this is what i ended up doing tonight:

i went to my boyfriend's apartment while he was out doing things that i did not have the energy to do and...

...much to my surprise...

...you ready? (because really, this takes the cake in terms of things i absolutely do not need to be spending my time doing...)

i watched titanic (um, holiday cheer anyone?) and you know, rearranged Ish's entire apartment.

um.

right.

i have no excuse. no explanation. it was just...well, i walked in the door and decided i didn't think the set-up was optimal.

[not optimal? right. this is coming from a woman who will leave cat barf on the floor for days in her own apartment, with the hopes that magic cat-barf-cleaning-faries will come and clean it up.]

[they don't, by the way.]

but for some reason -- perhaps because i had a hundred million other things to do -- i decided that everything needed to be moved. everything.

and now it's all in a much better place (according to hi, crazy cat-barf lady) and um, he'll be back soon and i will just have to explain, as calmly as possible, that it's christmas, i'm not ready, and whatever. titanic made me do it.

never let go, rose...never let go.

just uh, move the lamp over there.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

THIS IS THE PART OF CHRISTMAS WHERE I SWEAR. A LOT.

um. no.

no no no no no.

it is NOT fucking okay that TWELVE of the THIRTEEN items i PAINSTAKINGLY chose to add to my fucking amazon.com cart will ship AFTER DECEMBER 24.

WHY WOULD THAT BE OKAY? do you think i'm there on your site, ready and willing to spend a bloody FORTUNE just for fucking FUN? ON DECEMBER 15!?!?!?

oh hey, yeah. you know, my family doesn't mind if their gifts don't arrive until january 9. whatever. it's not like it's FUCKING CHRISTMAS.

oh wait.

*breathe*

and what the fuck is wrong with you that you have all big and bold on your fucking homepage that i have until tomorrow to order items with SUPER SAVER SHIPPING and they will ARRIVE BY DECEMBER 23????

oh!? oh yeah!?!? which fucking items would those be? because i can't think they'll BE THE ONES SHIPPING AFTER DECEMBER 24.

this means that as of 7:06 p.m. on december 15, i have to begin searching for those lovely items all over again.

all i have to say is that AMAZON.COM IS GETTING COAL IN ITS STOCKING THIS YEAR.

fuckheads.

< / rant >

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Because, That's Why

not to be controversial or nothin', but i wanted to say something about the fact that i'm wholly engaged in holiday insanity despite the fact that i'm not christian.

i mean, obviously i love the holiday season. i love american christmas traditions and the way my family has interpreted them over the years. i love carols, lights, trees, treats, snow, and mostly spending time with loved ones and giving them gifts. love it, love it, love it.

and because the issue has been raised before, i feel i should say, no. i don't really feel hypocritcal in celebrating christmas in the "traditional american" way, because our typical american traditions have so very little to do with the bible or the actual birth of jesus (save for some key song lyrics, i know) and way more to do with reinterpreted pagan rituals and celebrations of the winter solstice and cool stuff like that.

i am ALL FOR a season of light and hope and harmony and "miracles" and lifetime-movie-inspired moments of love.

i just recognize that some of the season is christian-inspired and some of it isn't and i think it would be awesome if we could just really embrace that this is a super time of year to celebrate whatever and however we choose. and doing so isn't an attack on christianity, it's an acceptance of christianity and everything else.

anyway -- i was just sent this link which says sort of the same thing, except in a MUCH ruder, cruder way (and i daresay funny way as well).

it doesn’t really espouse light or hope or cheer (so maybe i am being hypocritical after all), but it actually made me feel better about some of the recent fox-news-like frothings that, in my opinion, do more harm than good to christian causes.

but if you find this URL offensive – and i’m sure many of you will, though that isn't my point at all – probably you'll want to skip it.

*returns to caroling*

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Oh, Hey, Where'd THAT Week Go?

otherwise known as "it's december 13 already?"

hi everyone! (or like, all four of you who even bother to check in anymore since i have yet again fallen woefully behind and also you're probably just as busy as i am.)

how are you doing?

you all done with your christmas shopping yet? (HAHAHAHAHAHA.) how 'bout sending out those christmas cards? got that done? (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) or um, knitting? how's that going for you guys? (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

here's a funny story: yesterday i spent at least four hours at work with the amazon.com window open, so that between meetings, phone calls, emails and like, actual work, i could "add" things to "my cart." and all of this amounted to -- at the end of the day -- drum roll please -- that's RIGHT!

purchasing exactly zero things.

well done.

here's another knee-slapper: after carefully planning out SIX knitting projects and purchasing yarn WELL before thanksgiving for said projects, i have to date managed the following (ready?):

- Project One: completed gauge swatch. cast on. worked about an inch in the round. four months ago.

- Project Two: oh, look, that yarn sure is pretty.

- Project Three: i'll bet that pretty yarn would look nice in a matching hat.

- Project Four: my my, that OTHER yarn is super pretty, too. and soft.

- Project Five: thought maybe i could make the Matching Pretty Other Yarn project into something more manageable. where manageable = very small and lame and not exactly worthy of giving as a gift so probably shouldn't. but it's the one that's almost done. naturally.

- Project Six: complicated but lovely idea involving different sized needles and much fancy yarn. began on thanksgiving. haven't touched since. gave in and added nicer, store-bought version to cart. might actually even buy in time for christmas. (i'm not holding my breath.)

and so what did all this yarn bruhaha (above) teach me?

of course. nothing. because -- even though it is totally not my fault because i didn't know the art store also sold yarn until i was standing in front of it totally innocently -- i bought more yarn on saturday.

right. zero gifts purchased yesterday, but PHEW. i have MORE YARN i can be unsuccessful with. super.

and other projects funny stories?

well, there's the one wherein i forced my a cappella group to wear their logo'd t-shirts and pose for a photo (sometime in mid-november) so that we could have the picture to use for holiday cards. because i wanted to send holiday cards for ONCE that were personal and on-time, and i thought if i sent a picture of the group maybe it would not seem so obvious to my friends and relatives at home that no, i'm not married and no, i don't have kids but really, that's okay, see? i sing with nine other girls and that's practically the same thing shutup.

uh huh. don't know when i think those cards will happen. especially as the photos are still sitting in my email inbox. and as i mentioned earlier, it appears to be december 13.

it just gets funnier.

i mean, i haven't mailed the gifts that i did manage to purchase. (because i haven't, you know, wrapped them.) haven't figured out what i'm bringing to a potluck dinner on saturday. or what i'm wearing to a holiday party tomorrow night.

and work is busy and i have stand-up class on thursday (no new material at all), and am leaving next week for the east coast and have three group gift exchanges between now and then and also haven't bought anything for Ish.

Fa la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa....

******

in the middle of all the holiday mayhem, i got to have a lovely brunch with some of the coolest people ever! and it was fun and festive! and also sort of post-modernist*!

see, i work with a funny, funny woman. who is awesome. and i'm still kinda new around work sorta, so in the course of getting to know her (because i work all of four feet from her), i did what, you know, i do. i gave her my blog address.

in response, she gave me the link to her partner's blog. (because her partner is "the blogger in the family.")

and as these things go, i started blog-stalking whinger, and she started reading this. and we started feeling like we knew each other. and it didn't take long before i realized i knew WAY more about whinger than about my coworker -- and vice versa -- and we'd never even spoken.

i mean, you know how it is.

so by the time it got to the point where i was regularly engaging in conversations with my coworker about her darling partner, as though whinger and i were good friends from way back and hey, how's she doin'?, eventually it dawned on all of us that maybe we should actually like, meet.

and ta-da! we did!

and i just need to say that whinger and (her) Partner are a funny, sweet, adorable couple that i wish i had the means to stalk in real life. because if i lived anywhere near them i would totally just show up ALL THE TIME and be like, "hey, new best friends of my life even though we hardly know each other in a technical sense! what are we doing tonight?"

i mean, their home is beautiful and ever-so-tasteful while also being welcoming. their crazy dog is a joy, and their cat was very courteous in welcoming us (and in overseeing our stay from his sofa-top perch). the food was perfect, the music delightful, and just in case you missed it the first time, they are REALLY LUCKY i could never manage to get to their place by public transportation or else they would never get rid of me.

not. kidding.

******

oh, so yeah. i my friend met Ish's her boyfriend's parents last thursday.

and you know? it went very well. i she didn't spill or trip or fall or say any of the nine hundred million things that would've been inappropriate and were right there on the tip of my her tongue waiting to fall out of my her mouth.

the situation is still, uh, kind of complicated, sure. but whatever. 'tis the season to be merry.

....la laaaaaa
laaaaaaaaaaa
laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!



*but in a cool, the-internet-challenges-social-reality in a bringing-us-closer way, not an alienating way. which is probably not technically post-modernist anymore, but whatever.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

It's The Most Wonderful Time...

please don't hate on me for having so many holiday-themed entries. i can't help it.

i have lights up at my work station now. and my pod-mates got a wreath for our area, and it's all rather festive and cheery.

and you know what else is great about the holidays? spending time with your family. (you know, like dear aunt flo.) (actually, i was giong to complain about said stupid aunt except how happy am i that she's here NOW and not when i'm sitting on a PLANE for six hours!? LOVE YOU, AF!)

******
now that i have sung the praises of my favorite chore -- doing laundry by saying "here" to the wash and fold lady -- i have fallen woefully behind. i haven't managed to take the time to sort through my closet and determine which articles need to go across the street and which need to be washed RIGHT NOW in my building's laundry (i.e., the delicates, plus whatever needs to be cleaned right away for thursday night. for no particular reason.).

i'm the worst at doing "chores" ever.

******
my friend would like to thank those of you who offered suggestions for what she should wear to meet her boyfriend's parents. i believe she summed up your opinions nicely when she said, "don't dress as Hussy the Homewrecker. got it."


Monday, December 05, 2005

Space Heaters

so yesterday afternoon it finally occurred to me that maybe i ought to just buy a friggin' space heater.

$40 later* i learned that i was right. it rocks. no more frostbite.

also i finally hung lights and some decorations while playing christmas music and mulling cider, so it's officially the holiday season at...

at...

i think i need a name for my apartment.

Purl calls her place Chez Spinster, which is quite catchy but should also be trademarked. (plus i only have HALF as many cats as she does (as part of MY divorce settlement) so HAHA!) (uh, right. and who cares if i live in a space about 1/10 the size of hers?)

well, anyway, i need to come up with something my place is. other than Warm Through The Grace of Space Heaters.

*****
i always think that some amazingly, heart-achingly, made-for-lifetime-tv-in-december-ly romantic thing is going to happen to me at christmastime.

i have believed this since as long as i can remember.

it has never been the case.

like, okay. last year, TheBoy and i had some lovely evenings out on the town, but nothing out of the urban-couple ordinary happened. well, except that i got to go to a holiday party for a sex toy company, but that's just a super-cool time. not exactly romantic.

in years previous, my ex-fiance was considerate and kind and a fabulous companion -- especially on trips "back east." and he's the only person i know in san francisco who ever got to meet my mom. but still, with the romance thing? not so much.

and goodness. before him? gosh. i suppose there was my ex-husband. and together we had fine christmases, sure...but they were all lukewarm, romantic-wise. and he bought me horrible gifts. (totally shoulda known.)

and before THAT? (wow, i'm getting old.) pre-my-ex things are a little spotty.

Mr. Adorable was considered a savior at my parents' house one year because he was coming from new york when we remembered collectively that the liquor stores in connecticut would be closed for TWO DAYS in a row and certainly we didn't have enough stock for that and so at 7 p.m. on christmas eve he arrived with lots of beer. my parents couldn't have been prouder.

he was a great guy, but seemingly not for me. which i knew, sadly, even when we got to go skating at central park one late december evening. almost lifetime-movie-worthy.

erm.

i'd have to say that otherwise, the most memorable christmastime romance-like things i've partaken in come down to:

A: being 14 and a freshman in high school and going to a billy joel concert on december 21 with a bunch of my friends. except the group tickets we got included two tickets that were separate. and i ended up in them with the boy i was interested in (who was also interested in me). that was kind of cool. we ended up kissing, i think.

he was a senior, and brilliant, and was my first real boyfriend. we dated for two years.

(now he's a bigshot lawyer and a huge republican and i can only assume he still refers to the civil war as "the war of northern aggression.")

B: i was 11 and in 6th grade -- my first year of middle school. i discovered a note in my locker from a boy i liked. who liked me, too (it turned out). and i got the note just before the first boy/girl dance of my life,which was also the holiday dance. and so at the dance, we talked (which was nearly unheard of in itself) and yes, we danced.

it was the first time i'd understood what it felt like to have a crush that was returned in sentiment.

anyway, i guess have been rambling (shocker!). i just get all gooey at this time of year (even more so than usual) and can't help myself. i don't even have a point.

probably the only remedy is now watching some lifetime special about a bitter, lonely woman who finds love -- and the true meaning of christmas -- when she leasts expects it.




*because what's another $40 in december?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

A Single Slice Of Pepperoni Pizza**

i just got out of a 30 minute shower wherein i didn't even wash my hair (or get it wet) because it was the only thing i could think of to do to raise my body temperature.

it's cold in my apartment!

i don't have a thermometer, but i feel like the temperature must be below what it's supposed to be. and i could complain to the landlady, but we know how good i am at this. so instead, i'll gripe about it here as though i'm doing something productive.

yep, feels warmer already.

*******
The Math:

number of knitting projects for christmas completed: 0

number of knitting projects projected to be completed by christmas: 5, maybe 6

okay then, number of knitting projects actually on needles at this time: 2

hmmm.

number of phone calls you've received today asking to pay your credit card minimum from november which you SWORE you'd done a month ago but couldn't verify because the way your credit card company displays your account information is TOTALLY USELESS: 1

number of feet the ridiculous, plastic, pre-lit, $20 christmas tree from RITE-AID you bought this afternoon stands: 4.5

number of dishes you haven't washed: all

number of litter boxes you swore you'd clean three hours ago: 2

number of degrees it's supposed to be in your apartment at a minimum: 68

number of degrees you think it might be: 3

number of minutes spent blogging so that you could put off cleaning your apartment: 25 and counting

*****
Very Important Question

i have a friend who is seeing a guy who seems really quite fabulous except for the fact that he's sort of going through a divorce. which of course makes things complicated but not impossible.

my friend talks to me about this because i, as you may recall, have been through a divorce, and started seeing someone while i was separated, and it went -- frankly -- very well (we didn't work out, but ya'll know what good friends el_gallo and i are now). so right. i'm sort of an encouraging tale, you know?

and anyway, my friend seems happy. her boyfriend seems happy. so much so, in fact, that he has asked my friend to meet his parents.

which would be good...except his parents are maybe not so happy about the divorce. or, by extension, the girlfriend.

they're meeting on thursday.

now, in preparation for this meeting, my friend has asked me a question that even i, in my infinite wisdom*, cannot answer with any certainty. and so i pose it to all of you, dear Invisible Internet Friends:

what should she wear?




*"infinite wisdom" = propensity for dispensing unsolicited advice

** what i'm about to go eat. i cannot be expected to eat healthily if i'm dying of frostbite, now can i?


Saturday, December 03, 2005

Don't Try And Skimp On Christmas Or It Will Get Mad At You And Send You Punishment Yarn

not that i'm saying this from experience or anything, i'm just suggesting that maybe if you realized you'd waited until thanksgiving to order the yarn for your FIVE knitting projects you thought you would finish in time for christmas and then sneakily thought this would be possible by buying chunky/thick yarn which goes a LOT faster and so you're buying yourself some time...and then you receive the sneaky yarn and discover to your chagrin that you DIDN'T order the thick stuff at all, just regular ole' yarn with normal thickness -- IF you did something like this, i'm saying -- you might then feel very bad that you ever thought of buying the sneaky thick stuff in the first place and then feel obligated to try and finish projects with the thinner yarn because you wouldn't want to cheat at christmastime.

especially since christmas caught you in the act.


Thursday, December 01, 2005

Technology Is So Fancy!

i am not entirely sure i get this thing, but basically if you click on the link below...


...i think you see where people reading this blog hail from, assuming they (you) go so far as to create an account and enter your zip code and stuff.

look! there i am in san francisco! where are YOU?



Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Gotta Love Lists!

no one tagged me with this directly, but Purl and jennafoo did it, so i want to be in their cool club, too.

because tra la la.

except but sometimes i accidentally make things waaaay personal when i least expect to, so sorry for that and feel free to ignore, okay? (clearly i have added this sentence after reading through my answers below.)


TEN random things you might not know about me.

  1. i was a redhead for about four months, two years ago. i loved it, but it was too hard to maintain.

  2. i wasn't much into sports growing up (no surprise there) but i did swim on a team during the summers for five years in a row. i was MVP for my age group for 3 of those years. i was strong and fast.

  3. one person i've e-met through my blog is a very fancy-schmancy man who is sort of like an internationally acclaimed journalist. i have no idea why he reads "she walks" but i think it's super cool that he does. (hi, RS! how 'bout we add Moon River to the repertoire?)

  4. i am, despite my dating trials and tribulations over the last few months, a serial monogomist and ridiculously romantic, starting when i was 11 and with my first boyfriend, david. my/our first kiss was on march 2, 1986. i still remember his phone number.

    regardless, i realized when i was in college that even though i'd definitely been in love many times, i'd never had my heart broken -- and i secretly wished i would, so that i'd know that kind of human pain. i got my wish.

  5. i like dogs more than cats. i love, Love, LOVE my cats but i am a dog person through and through.

  6. i am writing a novel.

  7. i started college as a pre-med major because i wanted to be a psychiatrist. but then i decided i didn't want to take chemistry ever again, so i went with what i knew -- music. i was a voice major / music composition minor for a whole semester (i grew up singing and took nine years of piano lessons). then i transferred to UCONN and ended up as an english major.

  8. i absolutely adore jerry springer, and i always have. i am completely serious. i listen to him every morning on Air America Radio.

  9. and speaking of politics, i consider myself patriotic. i believe in the Constitution and those tenets associated with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. i am, as you have probably picked up on, rather left-of-center...even though the current US Democratic Party embarrasses me. i cried all day when GWB was re-elected.

  10. i drink my coffee black. i rarely drink vodka. my favorite martini is a hendricks (gin) with a twist, but i will take a manhattan over a martini on most days.


NINE places I’ve visited

  1. italy. i was two and we were there for a month. i remember nothing except my hot pink raincoat and chasing pigeons.

  2. disneyworld. it's not maybe glamorous, but it was the only "real" vacation spot my family ever visited. we went there as a family with my best friend, emily's family when i was in 2nd grade, 6th grade, 8th grade -- we went in 10th grade but it was just me and emily and her parents -- and then again in my senior year (with both our families). and then i went there with my boyfriend after he graduated college and he proposed to me. (we were featured on the vacation planning videotape because of it.) we went back there on our honeymoon.

    i hadn't been there in six years, until two weekends ago. when i went back to celebrate emily's 30th, as a surprise to her (as planned by her adoring, fabulous husband).

  3. kokomo, indiana. don't ask, don't tell.

  4. lafayette, pennsylvania. for band camp. the worst three days of my entire life from a sheerly torturous standpoint.

  5. USNA. i dated a midshipman at the US naval academy when i was in college. visiting him was cool. going to a valentine's day ball there was outstanding.

  6. carnegie hall, for my very talented sister's graduation. i mean, i'd been there for shows, but to be there for a private event? that was special.

  7. nantucket. so new england. so special a place to visit during my summers as a kid. my dad's parents would get a place every august, before it became the world's most expensive and yuppie thing to do. my mom also masterminded a couple additional trips to the island for thanksgivings, which were incredibly special. i was married on nantucket.

  8. minneapolis. my mom's whole family is from in and around there, dontcha know.

  9. new york city at christmastime.

  10. the motel 6 in belmont, CA. i ended up there accidentally. with a comic.


EIGHT ways to win my heart

  1. be smart, be tuned in, and know what's important.

  2. smile a lot. even if it's just on the inside.

  3. love dogs.

  4. love books and language and words.

  5. appreciate life. i feel grateful for every second i spend on this earth, and enjoy being around others who do, too.

  6. appreciate my family -- those i'm related to by birth and those i'm related to by choice.

  7. make me a drink without asking.

  8. ask me about my mom. (care about my answer.)


SEVEN things I want to do before I die

  1. have a book published.

  2. see paris.

  3. raise a child (at least one).

  4. own a home that i love.

  5. have spent more of my life as a size 10 or below than as a size 12 or up.

  6. become a good enough comedian to headline. somewhere.

  7. marry someone i'm completely in love with.


SIX things I’m afraid of

  1. i am terrified of heights.

  2. i am afraid that people will stop reading my blog because i have become boring, or predictable, or obsolete, or lost my ability to write anything of interest whatsoever.

  3. mediocrity.

  4. my weight.

  5. that any one of the seven things i want to do before i die won't happen.

  6. i am afraid that i will never find The One. that i missed the boat. that it's not meant for me. that i will continue to find amazing men who are, really, great -- but who will end up with someone else...someone better for them than i ever could be. that maybe i'm destined to have a lot of interesting relationships, but.

    i am afraid the kind of guy i want -- want to love, want to marry, want to have kids with -- will not want me back in the same way. and that i will end up as Crazy Aunt Kiki, spinster/knitter/cat lady, talking about her latest internet date, for the rest of my life.


FIVE things I don't like

  1. sundays at dusk. it always conjures the sense of the end of weekend, the start of the school (work) week. if i could figure out a way to live my life in such a way as to stop dreading sunday evenings, i'd be a very happy camper.

  2. pickles and olives.

  3. regis philbin.

  4. people who condescend to me.

  5. the way i dressed in middle school. good god almighty, what was i thinking?


FOUR ways to turn me off

  1. be a bad tipper.

  2. treat me as anything less than beautiful or special. i'm with you because i think you are beautiful and special, and expect the same in return. if you can't do this or don't feel this, leave me alone; i have better things to do with my time.

  3. make fun of something i believe in.

  4. dislike dogs.


THREE things I do everyday

  1. check email.

  2. wear makeup.

  3. have faith. and often a glass of wine.


TWO things that make me happy

  1. ignoring that there are only supposed to be two things on this list.

  2. dogs; peppermint stick ice cream; hearing my sister laugh; watching Ish perform; thinking about my mom's smile; Crazy Aunt Purl (hi. blogstalk much?); charlie; ella; my urban family; voicemails from my dad; diamonds (shutup, can't help it); watching bridget jones; french fries; when sherlock plays fetch; memories of the loft i lived in; running 3.5 miles on the elliptical machine last tuesday before work (small physical wins, you know?); finishing a knitting project; sunshine; fog; the girls in my a cappella group; hot tubs; the ocean; fireplaces; unexpected flowers.

ONE thing on my mind right now

  1. how even everyday stuff can seem cool when you're crushing hard on someone. like say, if your boyfriend is on the phone with you RIGHT NOW AS YOU WRITE THIS because he is calling to tell you he has stopped in at walgreens, on the way to your apartment, to pick up TP because you'd forgotten to.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Mmmmm. Warm Guilt.

apparently it is my fault because i do not know how radiators work. but how was i supposed to know how radiators work? i didn't have that class in school. i grew up with like, a thermostat. no one made me fill out a form when i applied for this apartment (or any apartment i've ever lived in) that asked, "do you understand how radiators work?"

so okay. remember how a few weeks ago i woke up to discover that it had rained in my apartment? where by "rained" i mean "super hot steam had blown out of a valve on my radiator and soaked half of my apartment including my entertainment unit"?

well, and then i didn't call my apartment fix-it guy because i am me. and i get weirded out about having a guy come to my apartment when i'm not there. and also i can't have a guy come to my apartment when i'm not there if the apartment isn't at least somewhat clean. and thus, i've had to go a few weeks without heat because i couldn't manage to clean my place. it's really very sad.

but finally i called the guy because man, has it gotten cold! and i called him and he said, basically, that that's what radiators do. and if it spurts water for more than like, 10 minutes, i should be worried. but not otherwise.

so i decided to go home and try and put a wash cloth over the valve for 10 minutes and see if it stopped spurting.

and it did.

which means that ya-huh. because i feared speaking to the man about my radiator in case he'd have to come to my unclean apartment, i went without heat for three weeks despite that the problem was fixable by me in under 5 minutes.

i have issues.

on the other hand, i was feeling pretty stupid about the whole thing until i got home last night and discovered that everyone in the building had been left with a note on their doors.

the note was entitled: RADIATOR DO'S AND DON'TS.

a-HA! i thought. so i'm NOT the only person who missed that day in class!

i mean, obviously this note was delivered for a reason other than my silly phone call to mr. fix-it. and plus, the note had obviously come from someplace special, since it was all typed up and photocopied as opposed to the notes i usually get from my landlady which are always handwritten in phoenetic english and copied through a fax machine on fax paper (high-tech circa 1992).

so the Magical Note from Somewhere was in fact very helpful in explaining Radiator Rules that i had no idea existed.

except i did think the tone was a little...snotty. like, i'm just supposed to KNOW that you can't turn your radiator off while the radiator is warm? i'm just supposed to KNOW that if you DO turn it off while it's still warm that you will force water to collect and spurt and leak and stuff? i'm just supposed to KNOW that the valve has to be all the way open or all the way closed, but not partially on because that will make bad watery things happen, too?

and come ON. who honestly knew that turning your radiator off while it's still warm is why radiators make banging sounds? apparently your radiator does NOT want to be turned off when it's warm and it will yell at you -- BANGBANGBANG -- to tell you so.

so all this time, there was my radiator banging out, "kristy! no! i can't go off now! turn the valve back on! on!!! allll the way!!! or else i will be forced to spit water out at you!"

and yet all i heard was "BANG. BANGBANG. hisssssss. BANG."

which makes me very sad.

because i realized that -- in addition to being oddly scared of my fix-it man, unkempt, unreasonably cold, and just plain radiator-stupid -- i am also a very poor radiator communicator.
******

oh. so guess what i had for breakfast this morning.

a Grande Guilt Latte. with foam.

i thought i could handle it. and i knew i had to try it. because the people i know who have had the eggnog latte have been singing its praises too loud to ignore.

go ahead. ask someone who's tried it. say the words EGGNOG LATTE and see what sort of reaction you get. eyes will glaze over. mouths will hang open. drool will form. "why??? are you going to go get one???" they'll ask, feverishly. "let's go get one! right now!"

and be careful because they are not kidding and will possibly stampede over you on their way to the nearest starbucks or peet's.

anyway, i decided i needed to know. so this morning i headed on over to starbucks and picked up a couple of the eggnog lattes for me and risey.

and? the verdict?

well, pardon my french, but steamy, foamy eggnog mixed with espresso is pretty much hot orgasm in a cup.

HOWEVER. (and of course there has to be a however. remember that part about guilt?) it turns out that even when made all fancy and hot and served in a lidded cup, i cannot avoid the classic eggnog guilt.

you know what i mean. you know the guilt. the guilt that comes from having heard The News (EVERY YEAR since forever because The News LOVES telling you this) that eggnog is the single most fattening substance known to humankind and if you drink it you will immediately gain ten pounds and clog your arteries and go cross-eyed and start limping and heaven forbid you drink eggnog with abandon because then you will simply die a horrible eggnoggity death.

and even though i try and explain to The News (in my head) that it's really okay if i have the occassional eggnog latte because it's only available ONE TIME a year, and it's not like i'm drinking chantico* or something, The News echoes its warnings of eggnog doom and i am left feeling helplessly, hopelessly guilty.

because not only did i DRINK an entire grande-sized cupful of steamed eggnog, i ENJOYED it. and thus feel like i should spend the rest of the day apologizing to The News and my body and God and all that is good and holy and sugarless and fat-free.

and no latte is worth that.




*don't even get me started on the absurdity of this being legal.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Knitting Atrocities, Philosophies, And A Request

maybe "atrocities" is too great a word, but why i continue to pursue knitting projects is somewhat beyond my scope of understanding. i'm not an especially talented knitter. and i have almost no patience for fixing mistakes (a la "i'll bet i can fix that in the next row"). and in the EIGHT MONTHS i've been knitting, i have completed:
  • four scarves
  • four hats (one that looks ridiculous on me; one that is wonky; one that is a bit large and seal-like; and one that has a reservoir tip and is thusly called The Condom Hat)
  • one baby blanket
  • one PSP screen cleaner (don't ask)
am i forgetting something? don't think so! how sad is that? sheesh. remember all those projects i've shown you pictures of? the poncho from a hundred years ago? the scarf for Ish? the hat for charlie? the scarf for risey? right. nothing.

and yet because i am me, i have ordered NEW yarn for new projects. uh huh! NEW YARN! and of course, you know what these new project are, right? yes! to make CHRISTMAS presents! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

****
sometimes -- and usually when it seems least fair -- things don't go the way they should. and when un-good things happen, well, what can you do?

we all suffer tragedy and loss and sickness and heartbreak. and it sucks.

so for me, i hang on to hope and humor. i think that's all it boils down to. i mean, if i can find a way to laugh, even when things seem otherwise completely dark, i feel like i'm letting in hope. hope that there will be happiness. hope that things won't always stay dark. acknowledgement that there is always some good to be found in the bad.

i get this sense of humor from my parents, of course.

and i bring this all up now because i do not think that many people would find anything about a colostomy bag funny. but this is why i love my family, and especially my dad.

who, while in the throes of battling cancer, left me the following voicemail from the hospital:
"hey kiki! i think we figured out what you can knit me for
christmas! now, it might be kind of hard to find a pattern..."

so um. if any of you knitters out there also have sense of humor enough to entertain this request, i'd appreciate it. you know, in case ya'll have a pattern for a Colostomy Bag Cozy hanging around. (originally i'd planned to actually start a knit-along, but realized maybe the demand for knitted colostomy bag cozies wouldn't be so great.)

anyway, yes.

i am officially asking that if any one of you is capable, to please send any recommended patterns (i have no idea how you'd go about creating this, by the way) to me at kristysf@gmail.com. or, if you're totally and completely crazy and have no other pressing holiday projects (ha!) and want to maybe MAKE one and mail it to me to give to my dad this Christmas, i could set up a PO box or something.

all in good humor, of course.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

The Crazy Is Loose In My Houses

i will admit to feeling ever-so-slightly glamorous when i blog while waiting for a facial mud mask to dry. like, as though i'm doing a very good job of being single and fabulous when i am sitting at my laptop, carrie bradshaw-like, tending to my beauty needs while relying on high-speed internet access.

i should probably fix myself a cosmo and write about boys.

instead, i will tell you some more random stuff.

****
thanksgiving was awesome. my friend did an amazing job of prepping her apartment (including rearranging her furniture) to accommodate the onslaught of about ten of us. and the food was scrumptious and the silly movies were fun to watch and i am, as always, grateful for my urban family.

of course, i miss my family back east as well. and didn't get to spend the day with Ish, either, who had his own family to tend to. holidays are always so tricky like that.

****
on saturday night, i participated in my second open mic (and for the second time, invited no one). it's still awfully terrifying, and i'm still not very good or comfortable. now, okay, sure. no one expects you to be good or comfortable when you start out...but that knowledge does NOT make it any easier to get up on stage. ("oh, it's okay that you're going to suck...")

and oh my goodness. can i just say, for the record, what an interesting bunch of people there are attempting stand-up with me?

watching other newbies can be surreal enough (especially as some of them don't seem to have any sense of why people aren't laughing with them). but getting feedback from them is a whole new dimension in social interaction.

for example.

[context: i ended my 7-minute set with explaining how i'm a mess and telling the mashed potato boob story. (oh yes, i will be using much blog fodder.)]
after the show, a woman i had never seen before came up to me and said, "sweetie, i wanted him to lick the mashed potatoes off you."

um. what?

"i'm sorry?" i asked.

"oh yes. i wanted to hear more. i think your date should try to lick them off you or something. right there in the restaurant. that'd be really funny."

"oh," i said. and then realized that this was to be considered feedback. ohhhh. feedback. ah, yes. duh.

"i'm um, still working this material out," i replied. because what else is there to say without inadvertently launching into a conversation about your breasts with a stranger?

"yeah, i can tell. you'll get there, though." she said. and then she moved in closer to me.

now, before she got to the next part, i was sort of on the fence about this whole feedback thing. i mean, it's nice to hear what people think, right? and also, it's kind of cool that she felt connected to me enough to feel like she knew me. and not only that, but knew me well enough to, i dunno, forgo an actual introduction in favor of telling me that my ex should have licked mashed potatoes off my breasts.

on the other hand, she -- a complete stranger -- thought it perfectly fine to introduce herself by telling me that my ex should have licked mashed potatoes off my breasts.

is that normal in this comedy world? or is that a little bit crazy? i wasn't sure, frankly.

and then there was the next part. wherein she explained with great insistance that astrology explains everything in life. it does! down to the last detail! and you know, it has helped her to understand herself completely. and also the reason i am a mess because neptune is probably running around loose in one of my houses.

fucking neptune.

****
it is my goal to blog every day this week. and to book my plane tickets for christmas. and to order most of my christmas gifts. and to work out three times. and to get my rainforest heater fixed because it is freezing. and order christmas cards. and not fall behind at work.

haha!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

My New Favorite Chore

okay. so i have about nine bazillion things to write about and no time and no idea how to get all the thoughts out there without writing 300 pages at a time.

i do like the way Whinger writes her stuff. so taking a page from her book blog, maybe i'll just start throwing things out there till i can spend more time writing things that are um, you know, in some way "constructed."

*************

i have new favorite domestic chore. are you so proud? of course you aren't because you don't know what i'm going to write but you have some idea that whatever it is, it's not going to be a real chore.

and of course, you're right.

because my new favorite "chore" is called "doing laundry." and the way that works is, you gather up all the clothes you've been meaning to wash for five-and-a-half weeks, and then you stuff them in a bag. and then you haul the bag down your three storey walk-up, and then to the corner. and then you cross the street.

now. if you knew where exactly i lived, you'd maybe say here, "but kristy, the laundromat is up the street on the same side as you. where are you going with your laundry bag? are you really THAT directionally impaired?" to which i'd reply, "yes, but that is not why i am crossing the street."

and i would go on to tell you that the dry cleaners across the street has this thing called "wash and fold." and it's really maybe the greatest thing that has ever existed.

because, see, where laundry used to involve spending the better half of a weekend day or an entire week night sorting and lugging and separating and machine-wrangling and quarter-hording and diligent load-watching (to ensure that no one would move your stuff or take your stuff while you're holed up in the world's most depressing building ever constructed), it now involves:
  • shoving your clothes into a bag
  • walking said bag across the street
  • saying to the lovely chinese lady, "wash and fold, please." and also, "sure, wednesday is fine."
and then you hand her your bag and a few days later you return and everything is clean and folded and wrapped in paper and it's completely miraculous.

seriously, i would bring my dishes to a wash and fold if i could.

*************

the girl who doesn't own a grocery volunteered to make the sweet potatoes, the broccoli casserole, the cranberry sauce, a flaky pastry and cheese h'ors d'oeuvre, and a dessert. for 12 people.

this is what the holidays do to me.

actually, i live sort of a double life. mostly the other, darker half stays hidden...but occassionally the other half rears her head, often around this time of year.

someday, when we are ready, i will tell you about her. but in the meantime, just know that the other half is rather frightening. she's the type who doesn't just own one glue gun, but several, in varying sizes. and also maybe a creme brulee torch and a set of ramekins. and an embosser, for making professional stamps. and possibly is also the kind of girl who'd MAKE HER OWN CHRISTMAS WRAPPING PAPER. or buy furniture at flea markets for the purpose of antique-ing them. she may also be the kind of girl who'd have a subscription to martha stewart living and wait with bated breath for it to be delivered each month.

she's the half who hand makes all her own christmas cards.

unfortunately, there's that other half of me -- the one who runs the show. the one who orders take-out instead of buying groceries and who will acknowledge that there ARE hand-made cards, but will not manage to find a way to actually mail them. and so the darker half mostly remains overshadowed, and only pokes through every so often.

like now. to go tend to sweet potatoes.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

A Note About Deleting Comments

hey everyone -- i'm just returning from a weekend away (details to follow, of course) and wanted to address something that's come up a bunch lately --

since i made the "i'm going to delete negative comments if i feel like it," i have deleted a total of ONE negative comment, and then apologized for that (i had misinterpreted its meaning). i haven't deleted anything else. not about me, and not to or from other posters here.

i'm not sure how to handle negativity towards/among posters, really.

and again, for the record, anytime you see the words, "This post has been removed by the author" it means the author of the comment has deleted it, not me.

in any case, i'm looking forward to sharing details (fun and joyous) of my brief trip (down memory lane)*!

happy sunday!



*and i also thank serre for coming to my defense (she obviously did so with the best of intentions).

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

You Guys Move Fast!

this is just a quick little note to say that um, hi. no.

no, ish and i are not gettin' hitched.

no, i am not pregnant.

it has been THREE months, kids. that's like, 30 seconds in boy time. seriously!

no, my stupid "grand announcement" is how much weight i've lost this year*, given that that was supposed to be my main goal and the reason i started this blog.

(you should all totally know by now that any "grand announcement" i'll be making will be anything but...)





*like, you know, practically NONE.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Where Has All The Blogging Gone?

what the hell is wrong with me?

i have about a hundred zillion little stories to write. a bazillion and one thoughts on uh, hi, weight loss as we approach the weight-defying Holiday Season, as well as a grand announcement. (gosh, are you so totally excited?)

and yet here is my blog. mostly barren. bereft of new tales. because what have i been doing instead?

i don't know! working? writing? comedy-ing? dating? i have no idea where the time has gone, but it's slipping away and it's starting to freak me the hell out.

also? you should see my apartment. it's utterly terrifying. i honestly have no idea why men don't leave me more often. seriously, we've passed the point of "oh, her mess is endearing" and entered the disheveled realm of "really? you're okay living like this?" not that ish has said this, of course, but there's no way he's not thinking it. and the truth of the matter is, i am NOT okay living like this.

hey -- let me ask you guys a question. did some time-stealing bandit / wizard / dark overlord / beastly creature thing maybe come in and like, steal about three weeks worth of time from you?

because honestly, i'm ready for it to be halloween in another week or so.

okay. for the record, i have entries in the works about the gym and holidays and weight loss and what bad men say and my Fear of Commitment (aka "boyfriend") and family and all sorts of things like my first OPEN MIC (ohmygodthereisnothingonearthmoreterrifying). so yeah. stay tuned, okay?

or not. regardless, i REALLY have to get to cleaning my apartment now.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Speaking of Darwin

sometimes i think it's as simple as this: i cannot believe in creationism because there is no way i can believe that we have evolved to where we are on purpose and that God's plan actually meant to include such stellar human achievements as the show Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy.

God: oh yeah, totally. i totally created man and woman so that like, you could discover fire and build yourself some civilization and create art and learn science and eventually, with lots of guidance from Me, grow to provide all humankind with silly string and microwave popcorn. yes, that is most definitely My Plan.

sure.

whereas the theory of evolution allows for the idea that nature is messy and not always super efficient and thus has built-in explanations for things that are clearly evolutionarily awry, such as (in particular) the people i have to ride the bus with.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Noodly Appendages

it may or may not come as any sort of shock to you that i'm not so much pro- "intelligent design" because ohmygodpeople.

and when i am feeling especially despondent over our country's "progress" i return to this site, and my faith is restored just a little bit. because if you don't know about Spaghetti Monsterism, you ought to*. it is proven to be as accurate -- if not more so -- than intelligent design, but involves more noodles.

and charts about pirates:



(click for larger)


which makes it practically infallable, you know?


okay. i return now to our regularly scheduled blogging.





*there. i'm telling you what you ought to do. do i sound like a proper zealot yet?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

ssssssssssssssssSteam Heat!

for the next two-and-a-half weeks, i have to get myself to work via public transportation (because my darling friend, RiseyP, who usually drives me will be on a fantabulous vacation in japan!).

but this means i have to take the bus (Muni) to the subway (BART) to the shuttle that takes me to my office park.

and THAT, therefore, makes THREE different ways, every morning AND every evening, that i can totally fuck up getting to and from work.

add having to get to the gym before-hand (which i will attempt tomorrow), which will necessitate a FOURTH leg of public transportation, and it's entirely possible you will never see me again. because i am not a savvy public transportation taker.

"hey, where'd kristy go?"

"you know, i have no idea. last i saw her she was getting on the F Market."

"the F Market? but that's nowhere near her apartment OR office..."


and plus public transportation lies. like, just because you are called the 1 California does NOT guarantee that you actually travel on California street. i mean, sure. some of the time you do, but some of the time you don't. and when and why this happens is never clear. (remember this situation?) (scroll down to see it because of weird formatting).

and also? just because you travel on one street in one direction does not mean you will travel on the same street when you're going in the opposite direction.

and ohmygod, please do not even get me started on how you're supposed to know which escalator to take up OR down when travelling underground.

ex: i get off the subway at an underground stop. i need to go up to "Market Street." i look to my right and there is a sign that says, "TO MARKET STREET" and that sign is in front of stairs and so i figure i am going the right way. but then as i head to those stairs, i happen to notice ANOTHER sign, waaaaaaay over in THAT direction, that says, "TO MARKET STREET" and it is ALSO in front of a stairwell.

now i don't know what sort of super humans just KNOW which "TO MARKET STREET" stairs they should take, but i am no such creature. i will think, long and hard about what side of the street i am on (and please. i do not EVER know east or west or north or south; i know "this" side, which means the one i'm on and "that" side, which means the side i am not on but probably need to be). and i will decide and take those stairs and be wrong.

anyway. so without any more exaggeration, here is the hardest part about my commute:

i have absolutely no idea where the Civic Center BART station is.

but kristy, you wonder, surely you have been there before on the other mornings you used public transit to commute. what do you mean you don't know where it is?

well, what i mean is that despite exiting from it on several evenings and even finding my way to it on several mornings including this morning, i really, genuinely have no idea where it is.

i just don't conceptually GET where the station is located. see, it's at this part of the city where like, 900 streets converge and there are all these alleys and statues and diagonal streets and a farmer's market and big buildings.

so from where the buses (any of three lines that i can get on from my apartment) drops me off nearish to the station, i have to figure out how to go from the bus stop to the BART station. and because you can go any of about forty hundred ways to get from BUS STOP A to BART STATION B, i never really know if i'm going the right way. i just basically meander in the direction of "left."

but i do so at a very good clip, because even though i am clueless i am also from the new york area and thus MUST walk as though of COURSE i know where i'm going and don't get in my way because i am very busy and important and sureashell know where the BART station is, duh.

and so sure enough, this morning's adventure left me wandering (faux assuredly) "left" through the farmer's market. and i was completely convinced i was going in the wrongest direction possible because nothing looked familiar -- as, for example, i'd never walked through the farmer's market before (and also? is it a farmer's market if you're selling heating pads and magic scarves? doesn't that just make it a flea market? god, i don't understand anything).

but then i saw a CLUE!

all of a sudden, there was a mass of people walking past me with briefcases and the same sense of assuredness i had (except theirs probably wasn't faked), so i figured a-ha! they must have all just ascended from the BART station! i must be going in the right direction!

you know, like being stranded at sea and suddenly spotting seagulls and realizing you must be getting close to shore.

and lo! there it was. the BA sign. in a place i would have sworn to you was totally NOT the same place i've ever seen it before. but whatever. i got to work on time.

but now that this entry has taken all of my lunch hour, i cannot get into why i titled this post as i did. except i will tell you that i was rather shocked this morning when, on my way out the door, i grabbed my coat and it was all wet.

so was my TV.

so was my entire entertainment unit.

SOAKED.

and i didn't have time to dry it off because i couldn't miss the last shuttle (see how these things are now related?).

but i really had to wonder what on god's green earth had happened in the corner of my livingroom since as far as i could recall, there had not been a thunderstorm in my apartment the night before.

in fact, to my knowledge there has never been so much as a sunshower inside my apartment.

and that is probably because my apartment is, you know, INSIDE.

so i looked up. and no, nothing was coming from the ceiling. no water damaged ceiling or walls.

and then i saw that my heater was not just hissing its usual heat-hiss, but it was actually blowing out steam. and must have been doing so for quite a long time. and apparently The Entire Realm of Science has heard me talking about it because it conspired against me to form an entirely unnecessary demonstration of Water's Various Properties, from evaporation to condensation to precipitation ALL OVER MY LIVING ROOM.

all i could do in the time i had before dashing out the door was turn off the heat, turn off the surge protector/outlet, and hang my soaked netflix envelopes in the bathroom to dry.

did i mention i got to work on time?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I Am (Almost) A Pawn!

so no, not quite. but really almost!

what? you want context?

well fine. for those of you just joining us (all both of you), i have recently-ish* begun dating a comedian. and this has, perhaps ironically, caused me to think way more seriously about a lot of things.

like being funny.

so i ventured to take an intro class in stand-up. (something i'd ALWAYS wanted to do and NEVER come close to having the chutzpah to try.)

and tonight, for our final assignment in this class, we had to perform a 3-4 minute set. on stage. with a mic. for our class/audience.

and oh. my. holy. god.

do you have any idea how terrifying that is? i mean, i knew it was coming. eventually, i was going to have to write material, and perform material, and like, actually go from being in the audience (making snarky comments about how funny everyone isn't) to being on stage myself. because that's what i signed up for. that's what i wanted to see if i could do.

and so i sat there tonight, waiting to go. and it was excrutiating. every doubt i've ever had ran through my head at a rapid pace, and i totally envisioned myself walking out.

but i didn't.

i went.

i got up on stage, and i talked to the audience and i made them laugh (a little) and i didn't trip or throw up or collapse or suck.

i wasn't great, of course. but i did it. and i guess that means i know i can do it again.

so the next step is to sign up for an open mic night. (well, and sure, actually show up for it and go ON when i'm supposed to, but whatever. technicalities.) and then when i have done that?

THEN i can consider myself an official "pawn**."

yay!


*ha.

**"Before there can be Kings or Queens of Comedy, there must be Pawns."

Monday, October 31, 2005

Proud Kristy

yeah, no.

no pictures of ike and tina.

you know how sometimes you think you look a certain way (fantasy), and then you actually see the pictures (reality)?

kids, i was horrified. horrified.

i mean, i have been working out. i have been eating better. i have been drinking less. i have been way more active and healthy. i have been losing weight (but let us not discuss my issue with the scale at the gym -- lo, that is an entry unto itself).

so the fact that i ended up looking like i was wearing a black fringed muu-muu is rather disconcerting.

muu-muu!

so yeah. i'm going to have to re-buckle down as these here holidays approach and remind myself that even though i'm making progress (reality) i do still have a long way to go before i should consider wearing fringe again (fantasy) (for now).

and sure, maybe eventually i'll show you my tina pictures, but let's hope that by that time, we can dub them "before."

Is It A Trick!?!?

i don't mean to alarm anyone, but i think i may have solved the cat peeing problem.

it's still too soon to tell, but i am ever hopeful.

i will let you know (as soon as it's confirmed) if this is a holiday hoax (uh, perpetrated by cats?) or if halloween has somehow bewitched monster into changing his eeeeevil ways...

Trick Or Treat

Happy Halloween, everyone.

i do realize that this "holiday" is for children. and that is why i'm thrilled that my sister sent me the photos she did, because they are damn cute and also remind me that not everyone in my family is a lunatic.

whereas the pictures i took from the weekend were...well...maybe not so much cute. funny? yes. cute? um. lunatic? probably.

for starters, Ish and i went as Ike and Tina Turner. there was fringe. there was gold lame. there were feigned bruises. there were cosmos.

a good time was had by all.

but probably i'm too old to be doing that.

in any case, here's my sister and nephew -- apparently her entire office decided to go as Waldo this year.





(click for larger)






is that not the cutest thing you've ever seen?

what? shutup, yes it is. okay, fine -- maybe YOU have kids of your own who you think are cuter, but it's all relative (har, har) and this is the closest thing i've got to a kid of my own (cats notwithstanding) and so as far as i'm concerned, this is the cutest child on the planet.

and anyway, i have to get back to working now, since our halloween party starts in 30 minutes, and i've given myself Diet Amnesty until tomorrow.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Arts & Crafts & Crap &...

this is not an entry, in case you were wondering.

i am just casually making mention of the fact that one* should never buy plastic wrap from a $0.99 (& up) store ever, unless you are strangely masochistic.

because plastic wrap is friggin' hard enough to negotiate when it's NOT super-cheap-ass wrap because you've gone that extra dollar and splurged on name brand plastic wrap like "saran."

but ohmyholyjesus, when you do find yourself in the $0.99 (& up) store, and you do buy some $0.99 (& up) plastic wrap, you will then be subjected to some unbelievably challenging Adventures in Cheap Plastic Wrap wherein you will be taught new lessons in physics and immediately have to pour more wine. because the world of super-cheap-ass plastic wrap is very, very ugly.

especially when it involves litter box mock-ups.

okay. maybe i should back up.

(fuck. i think this is now an entry. my apologies. blame the wine.)

so i decided that maybe the key to solving the riddle of the entranceway cat peeing is providing a second litter box. and before you recoil in horror at my providing only one litter box for two grown cats, please understand that my cats have lived together since they were born, and have been fine using just the one litter box until recently**.

so on sunday i went to walgreens to buy a litter box, but they didn't have one, so i bought shaving gel instead.

no, for me.

anyway.

so then last night i stopped in at the grocery store on the way home from work and discovered they didn't have a litter box, either. which was annoying and stupid so i left and didn't buy any groceries at all in an act of defiance.

(certainly my act of civil pseudo-disobedience has caused cala foods to rethink their stance on carrying litter boxes.)

so as i am storming out of the grocery annoyed at how difficult it seems to be to buy a simple, cheap plastic box (since i am not investing in an expensive plastic box until after i have conducted this experiment and have learned if a second litter box will solve my problem or simply leave my bathroom overrun with litter), i become aware of the fact that there is a $0.99 (& up) store on my way home and maybe-just-maybe they will have something.

so i stop in.

and can i just say, san francisco has some weird little stores.

i have no idea how or why this particular store was conceived. it's not like even a majority of the stuff in there is priced at $0.99.

it's just a weird, cheap-ish store with two aisles full of kitchen tools and soaps and sponges and wrapping paper and nail polish and candles and car fresheners and balloons.

and, well, also plastic bins.

except not the right kind of plastic bins. however, when one* is tired and feeling defeated, one might decide to just make due, by way of concluding: well gosh, this plastic bin is the right size and shape, who cares that there are HOLES throughout it? i will simply LINE THE SIDES of the bin with something. OH! like this here $0.99 store plastic wrap (that for some reason costs $1.99). perfect! i will buy the plastic wrap and line the plastic box and then maybe put one of those cat liner bags down and fill it with litter and see if monster doesn't think it's swell.

and that's what i did.

and because i tried to NOT make this an entry, i will NOT now detail for you the ugly, ugly elements involved in trying to:
  • simply OPEN a box of non-name-brand plastic wrap
  • find where the roll of non-name-brand plastic wrap STARTS (though i will say this is quite a trial and error process involving much scratching and cursing)
  • pull non-name-brand plastic wrap out of the (now ripped) box without considerable tearing
  • use the torn "edge" of a non-name-brand plastic wrap box to try and rip off one full sheet of plastic wrap without tearing it to shreds
  • get non-name-brand plastic wrap to stick to ANYTHING, particularly the inside of a holed plastic bin (would you not think that The Physics would help you out here? because i would. i would definitely think that plastic sticks to plastic rather easily, but apparently The Physics knows i'm a dumbass)
  • get non-name-brand plastic wrap to STOP sticking to YOU

no. i will not give you more details, but i will report that in the end, i (sort of) won. the box that the plastic wrap came in is irreparably damaged, sure. and the roll of wrap is probably not reusable.

but.

the bin eventually had wrap all around it. and i did add a plastic liner bag, and cat litter, and set up the new fresh thing in the other corner of my bathroom.

and then thanked god for wine and went to bed.

and when i got up the next morning, do you know what i found?

i found that the OTHER cat had used the new box, then spent such a considerable effort trying to bury what he'd done that he'd scratched the liner bag into the center of the box, along with the plastic wrap, so that there was just one big round torn ball of litter inside strips of plastic liner bag and plastic wrap.

and cat pee on the floor, next to it.

thankfully, i had just purchased some new $0.99 (& up) sponges as well. just in case.



*i

**except sometimes when Monster gets angry at doorways; always doorways.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

AC - CEN -TU - ATE THE POS - I - TIVE!

okay. somehow, for some reason, my blog comments have become increasingly angry, bitter, sad, judgmental, and personally attacking.

and you know, that is just no fun for me.

it can't be much fun for you.

so i have a new policy! (hurrah! aren't policies fun! wheeee!) and that policy is:

::i will delete negative anonymous posts anytime i feel like it::

just like that! *poof* bad stuff gone!

i was trying to behave with all this like, integrity and shit, and leave all comments left by everyone, no matter how destructive they were, in the spirit of community and free speech and all that.

but frankly, i have spent waaaaay too much of my time and energy pouring over anonymous posts that may or may not have come from people i know, who may or may not have the slightest idea what they're talking about, who are then given way too much time and space and validation by me and all the others.

but if you're claiming to be my friend and like, can't own up to it -- well, something doesn't make sense there, you know? so no more of that nonsense!

instead, let's reset the tone. rewind to the days of writing about knitting, and mayonnaise, and bad kisses, and empty fridges, and moments of breezy elegance, and all my drunken mishaps without fear of moralistic retribution.

maybe i'll change my mind later. who knows? but i want to go back to this being fun. because it's my party and i'll blog (write, comment, delete, tra la laaaaaa) and pour another martini if i want to!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Charmed, I'm Sure

a really good sense of humor isn't just something i look for in a guy, it's something i absolutely require. because if you're going to date me, you're going to need it. well, that and an appreciation for martinis.

so okay.

we have already established that i am not so much good at The Physics or The Math, as illustrated in my not getting how things work (like gravity) and in my messing up knitting patterns because i do things like multiply 6 by 8 and get 56 (repeatedly).

and now it is time to explain the extent to which i am also not good at The Chemistry.

last night* Ish was headlining at a funky spot downtown and several of my lovely friends joined me in watching the show. and of course we had a swell time because not only was the comedy good but the club has a BYO liquor policy (and i am sure it will come as no surprise to you that my friends and i are no slouches in the BYOing department).

and so i started with the wine.

but kristy, you might be saying now, i thought you said something about martinis, not wine.

and then i would have to say, unfortunately dear IIF, the two are not mutually exclusive.

and then you might wince at the thought of drinking wine and martinis in the same evening and realize that this story is going to get very ugly very quickly.

because yes. sitting at the comedy club, enjoying the show, my friends' company, and wine, i was having a fabulous time. and then the ExBoy offered me champagne -- good champagne -- and i decided that would also be fabulous.

oh, and it was.

and then the show was over and we all gathered outside to go somewhere en masse, and i suggested the bar/restaurant/dancefloor atop the san francisco hilton since it was practically across the street and the dancing there is extremely cheesy and thus, when you're with 14 other people, fantastic.

and we arrived just in time for the bulk of the people who were dining to leave, and for the dj to start up with a lovely ensemble of ridiculous dance songs from the early-to-mid 90s. and the venue was perfect and the views were spectacular and all was well until we get to the part about The Chemistry.

Ish looked at me and asked me the very unfortunate question, "would you like a drink?"

answer that should be given by someone with even just a passing acquaintance with The Chemistry: oh, Ish, no. you see, while i've been known to have a rather remarkable tolerance in the past, body chemistry is not a constant. i have been eating much better, working out, and drinking less over the last several weeks. as such, the wine and champagne i've already consumed has brought me to my limit.

answer that could be given by someone with a passing acquaintance with The Chemistry whose judgment is perhaps slightly impaired by wine and champagne: well, i probably don't need another drink, but i suppose one more glass of wine won't kill me. hey, at least i'm not mixing liquors.

answer that was given by me: sure! how 'bout a martini?

now, to be fair to my own stupidity, i held that first martini like a champ.

(uh, didja catch that? where i said "first" martini? right.)

and things were still fine and the dancing was great and the views were still spectacular and all was still well except this is the point in The Chemistry class where you think you're adding de-ionized water to the test tube but discover, in a rather unfortunate manner, that it's something far more reactive.

like, say, a second martini.

because yeah. pouring that second martini into my body was like pouring a tube of...

um...

ah...

[oh for fuck's sake. i wanted to compare the martini to like, something you could mix in chemistry class that would start off looking okay but actually be a really bad combination. but i can't because i have no idea what i'm talking about because as you probably recall-- even if i can't -- i'm REALLY BAD AT THE CHEMISTRY.]

anyway.

wine + champagne + martinis + more healthy = lowered tolerance = downward spiral.

and so just moments after most of my friends were leaving the bar, i had to sit down to stop the world from spinning and my head from crashing into the floor. and then after i regained some sense of equilibrium, i decided to go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face (before trying to figure out how i could possibly manage a cab ride home).

now, this is the point in the evening where it is actually a good thing that you are as drunk as you are because if you were any bit more sober you would start sobbing in mortification because you are:
a. having trouble standing,
b. unsure how you will manage to get home given a., and
c. still in the throes of a new relationship where you are trying to impress your boyfriend.

that's impress. not throw up on.

so right. i fumbled my way into the ladies' room to splash cold water on my face, and Ish -- because he is good and kind or maybe just psychic -- followed me in.

now, a far more adventurous (and steadily upright) couple might use their stolen moments in a large, private restroom more...adventurously. but i, in my breezy elegance, could not be adventurous because i had to focus all my energies on solving The Chemistry problem. and by the time i made it into the ladies’ room, i'd forgotten my water-splashing objective completely and instead decided it would be best if i went into a stall to have a few moments alone.

so i locked the door, put the seat down, and sat down to think.

clearly there must be a solution to this Chemistry problem, i thought. uh, except maybe not in those terms exactly. (no, the terms i believe i used were, “god, i am so drunk. how can i not be drunk? i am too drunk. i should not be so drunk. how did i get this drunk? who made me this drunk? how can i not be so drunk? wait, maybe i am not so drunk. hmmm. oh god, i am so drunk.")

and while i was laboriously pondering these various Chemical Hypotheses**, i didn’t really have the mental bandwidth to process the sound coming from outside the stall. but if i had, i would have heard a lot of…rustling. yeah.

and maybe i would have asked what that rustling sound was, because that is maybe not the sound you want to hear from your boyfriend in the ladies’ room (assuming, there is ANY sound you want to hear your boyfriend making inside a ladies’ room).

so of course i eventually decided that there was absolutely no way to solve The Chemistry problem and even genius chemists would find the problem challenging and that The Chemistry is clearly really very stupid and if i had been taking a test in high school it would have been at that point where i’d have given up, handed the test in, and hoped for make-up homework. so right, i decided i had to leave the stall, Chemically challenged and all.

and when i did, i was rather surprised. i opened the door to find Ish pulling his hands out of the paper towel bin. and given my already perplexed mind, i was absolutely confounded.

“what are you DOING?” i asked, probably with a notable slur.

Ish looked at me and held up a clean plastic trash bag he’d rescued from the bin. “i thought you might need this for the ride home,” he said.

and that is when i realized i am dating the most brilliant man who has ever lived. einstein? chemistry? damn you both to hell. i have a street-smart, drunk-savvy comic. take that! seriously. i am a bit fuzzy still on the details, but it’s possible that his presenting me with a plastic bag may have moved me to tears.

uh, on the other hand, being moved to tears while under the influence of The Chemistry wasn’t half the feat that moving me to a cab was.

frankly, i have absolutely no idea how we made it down the stairs and into an elevator and onto the sidewalk and into a taxi, but we did. and i will attribute this to more – if fuzzy – brilliance on the part of Ish.

anyway.

if i were a cab driver, i'm not sure that i’d be too thrilled about allowing a clearly inebriated couple into my car, especially given that one half of the couple was already clinging for dear life to a clear plastic ladies’ room garbage bag. but then, maybe if i were a cab driver i wouldn’t notice the bag until it was too late.

like when the oh-so-breezily elegant blond started hurling, mightily, into it.

ah, me.

so let’s conclude this lesson in The Chemistry, shall we?

hypothesis: k is a good girlfriend

given:

  • tolerance = not a constant / change in body chemistry = change in tolerance
  • change in tolerance [MUST EQUAL] change in amount of alcohol consumed {{OR}} change in tolerance + constant amount of alcohol consumed = needing plastic bag in cab
  • k + stupidity in The Chemistry [ALSO EQUAL TO] plastic bag in cab = needing brilliant companion + tremendous sense of humor

considerations:

  • brings friends to see Ish perform (pos)+
  • throws up in cab on ride home (neg)-

conclusion: hypothesis unproven. additionally, will need to complete special homework assignment for extra credit to avoid failing this class.





*um, this was originally drafted last sunday, oct. 16.

**see how I’m using all sorts of chemistry references? cool, huh? yeah, i can do that because i am somewhat good at The English. and seriously, how many chemists could employ such thematic consistency to their drunk blog stories?


Friday, October 21, 2005

Happy Friday!!!

While in the throes of all this Bob madness, RiseyP sent me a very funny link.

It requires sound, and is wholly stupid. But it made me laugh aloud.

Hope you enjoy!

Wish me (and Bob) luck!

(Stories /summary to follow...heaven knows...)





*no idea why i decided to capitalize -- guess i'm in work mode.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Bob And I Have a BIG DATE This Friday

so like, bob and i have this huge event planned for friday. i am really hoping to impress him, too. i think i can, but he has himself some high standards.

anyway, i tell you this because our date is requiring a whole lot of preparation -- metaphoric primping, if you will.

and so this has unfortunately meant that i have not had the time or wherewithal to complete any of my funny-i-swear entries i've been fooling around with.

but i'm trying...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I Think Our Blogs Are Dating

not to be ridiculously cutesy or anything, but Ish, who i'll officially call my boyfriend "fear of commitment" is asking for opinions about his professional headshot.

and i'm simply pointing this out 'cuz i know how opinionated y'all can be.

(yeah, hi, remember the mayonnaise?)

and since our blogs are dating and all, i thought i should make mention of it.

*returns to writing post about frightening plastic wrap*

Happy Birthday, Lang!

Taking Ish-ue

hi!

hi everyone!

*waves*

hello!

do i sound crazy? huh? just a little? maybe? uh huh?

yes?

well good because i AM crazy because the cat-herding here at work has reached near-fever pitch (even though herding doesn't really have a pitch but whatever -- mixed metaphors? not my biggest concern right now) and i know this to be true because when i explained to my very put together manager what my situation is she just looked at me, slightly horror-stricken and offered sympathy as i detailed the hoops i'm now jumping through to make this project work.

and so i thought i'd take a break to catch my breath and share with you a thought i had this morning in the shower.

ready?

okay. here it is. all profound and shit.

i wasn't funnier before i met Ish.
i was funnier before i started this job.

ka-pow.

yes, IIFs, it's true. it hit me like a ton of bricks.

frankly, i used to write a good portion of my blog from work. (hi Stacy!) often i'd start drafts at home and over the weekend, but i would edit and tweak my posts throughout my work days. and because my workload was rather uh, "reasonable," i didn't exactly have to decompress at night or on the weekends, and so had plenty of energy for writing stuff all the time.

but then i started up with this job and everything changed.

so if i must blame someone -- anyone -- for my stultified blogging, i think i should blame my new job. and as such, i am going to give my new job a name (how's "bob"?) and now we can all hate him together.

i mean, don't get me wrong. i don't actually hate bob. bob's a swell guy. he treats me pretty okay, you know? he keeps me fed and clothed and stocked with yarn and helps a whole lot with my rent.

but yeah. on the other hand, bob IS a bit on the demanding side. he's all "do this" and "do that" all day. and he's not exactly the kind of guy who encourages the blogging.

which is why i think we all know that bob isn't truly Mr. Right -- bob is simply Mr. Right Now.

and that's okay. we can have some great times together now. i'm sure i'll learn a lot from him and that our relationship will grow and mature over time. but of course, eventually we are going to part. and he will find himself a new girl -- younger, more eager, more capable of loving him than i ever was.

and i will find myself with a guy way more in tune with my needs.

(like, you know, the need for blogging.)

and in the meantime, i'll try and find a way to make things work with bob. more compromise, maybe. more give and take. i'll try and find a way to be there for him, but take the time i need for me.

and you.

and Ish.

uh, just as soon as i finish lassoing in all these damn cats.


here kitty, kitty, kitty....