Sunday, June 09, 2013

All Good Things

I have good news and I have bad news.

The bad news (which isn't really) is that I am giving up the ghost.

I am retiring this blog. 

Retiring it, I must add, after...wait for it...EIGHT-AND-A-HALF YEARS. Eight is a lot of years, Invisible Internet Friends.

And you know that everything in my life is so far, and so different, from where it was when I began this crazy blog-thing. Writing about being huddled over my laptop shirtless, slurping soup, before another internet date. (Shirtless because I didn't want to get soup stains on my date-night shirt; soup because it was literally the only thing in my entire apartment that could come close to qualifying as "dinner material.")

It's not like I have my act together now. It's just packaged differently. Not SF; Napa. Not single; married. Not bored at work; overworked. And there are kids somewhere around here, probably using permanent marker to draw "pirates" on "your fings, mama." And yet in soooo many ways? My messy, crazy, full-of-silly-spills life is exactly the same. It just has totally different wrapping paper.

And so, I decided, so should my blog.

I've launched Napa Candy. It's just me, except with different wrapping paper.




Friday, May 03, 2013

"You Sound Like A Horrible Parent"

Here's an email I got a couple days ago: 
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "The Top 10 Weirdest Things On "Yo Gabba Gabba"":  
This whole post was stupid . I highly doubt little kids see anything sexual about the show. They are KIDS not idiot adults . I also don't see why it's a big deal that god is black and just because he's cheerful that makes him gay. You sound like a horrible parent . 
DJ Lance Rock

Which is really awesome, because of all the insights.  


So to respond:  


First of all, OF COURSE I am a horrible parent. I am a blogger.


Secondly, I KNOW my kids don't see anything sexual about the show. That's why I think ALL children's shows should feature characters that look like sex toys and/or sex organs. Then they will be prepared for later in life, for the day when a friend convinces them to go shopping at Good Vibrations in San Francisco, and instead of blushing or panicking they can be all, "Oh hey! Relax! That thing looks just like Hoobie The Space Goat* from my favorite show when I was little!" and then everyone will marvel at how sex-positive and comfortable my children have become. It's a good plan. 


Next, well, I can't believe you played the race card but you know what? In my (albeit limited) experience, we're led to believe that God looks less like DJ Lance Rock and more like Dumbledore. Is this fair? Probably not. But please direct me to the nearest book or movie or church or house of worship where God is depicted as a young, hip, dancing black man in an orange track suit. Then I will reconsider.

Lastly, it's not because he's cheerful that I say he's gay. It's because he's just like Dumbledore. Who is gay.  



And there you have it, folks. Fighting insights with insights.

*Hoobie The Space Goat should definitely be a thing

Sunday, April 14, 2013

That Time My Chins And I Were In The Paper

There's an article about me in today's Napa Valley Register, along with a photo. These are wonderful* things!

Except.

(Except of course except.)

I hate the picture. Haaaaaate. It isn't flattering in the least. And the worst part about it is that everyone** I know has insisted that I "look beautiful" in it. Which means that's what everyone thinks my "beautiful" is. Which is terrifying to me because no, actually, it is not. Objectively, it is not beautiful.

But instead of getting into a long-winded post about THAT ONE TIME I WEIGHED SO MUCH LESS AND WAS SO MUCH PRETTIER, I'm just going to give it to you in pictures.


WHEN I PUT ON A LOT OF EYELINER AND HAVE A COUPLE GLASSES OF WINE I AM PRETTY SURE I LOOK LIKE THIS:



AND THEN WHEN I HAVE TO GET ALL SERIOUS ABOUT WORK I LOOK LIKE THIS: 




AND THEN THE PAPER TAKES A "REAL LIFE" PICTURE OF ME AND IT LOOKS LIKE THIS: 



AND THEN I THINK "HOLY SHIT" BECAUSE I REALIZE I LOOK MORE LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN THIS: 



AND THIS: 




THE END. 


*The article is great and the photograph is great, I just can't believe that's what I look like.

**Except my sister Sam who thankfully laughed at it for 5 minutes straight.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

2012 In Bullets & Pictures & Bug Spray

I'm currently huddled over the kitchen table, trying to work. I'm wearing a tent-like smock dress because it's one of the few remaining (clean) items I own that I can still fit into post- "holiday gluttony." I shoved leggings on under the dress because it's like 35 degrees out and also let's not discuss the leg hair situation. (Oops. Too late.) I have a "for emergencies" (because it's horribly unflattering) sweater on on top of the smock dress and a scarf wrapped around my neck. My hair isn't totally dry from my shower this morning (a rare luxury, showering in the morning) and so it's piled onto my head in some sort of tangly mess, whatever. The point is, I'm next to the OPEN sliding glass door in the kitchen, letting a freezing cold draft in, wearing a sweater and boots and scarf with pseudo-wet hair while my laptop is precariously situated on the kitchen table (beside marker stains and a glop of kid-yogurt from this morning) because I can't sit in my office because of the spraying. I don't want to pass out from poison gas.

Well, no. The guy said I wouldn't. He said, "You know, it'll just make you dizzy for a while. It won't kill you." OH OKAY THEN.

Let me start again.

Happy New Year!

About 30 millionteen things have happened since I used to blog regularly (REMEMBER HOW I AM A BLOGGER?), although when I go to summarize it, it doesn't sound that impressive. Here's what happened last year (please see corresponding photos below):
  1. I worked a lot. Like, a LOT a lot. Like, regularly going 3 days without showering/eating lunch standing over the sink in under 10 minutes between calls/scheduling simple visits with friends 3 weeks in advance a lot.
  2. Ish got a new job and also worked a lot. (But he totally showered every day.)
  3. The kids got a year older and a year cuter, per Facebook & Instagram evidence.
  4. I decided to go platinum blond with a big, bright "Suburban mom trying too hard" streak in my hair. Because why the hell not? And I like to quote my haters.
  5. Eve started preschool.
  6. Ish and I went to Chicago for a weekend with our old friends Ben & Emily, and brought Ish's sister along for the ride. We had a great time, and packed a whole lot into two days.
  7. Um.
  8. In October, my sister, Samantha, drove across the country with her new boyfriend and they moved in with us, along with their dog. Surprise!
  9. In December, we all went to Disneyworld. ("We all" = 15 of us and it's a long story.)
  10. Christmas!
  11. Then it rained a lot and now we have fleas. Which is why the guy sprayed our house. (And I thought I was all prepared -- the animals are safely outside and the kids and my husband and sister are out of the house. Except OOPS. I forgot to make arrangements for myself. Thus, here we are. Me, a little dizzy. Probably actually will die.)

But otherwise I think you're pretty much caught up with the Sammis Highlight Reel from 2012. Pete and I took an overnight trip to SF for a Giants game once, and then later they won the World Series and that was neat. I attended a funeral last August and blogged about it. My cousins had a baby in November.

Personally, I'm great! Sort of!

I am happy with work although the stress has been, at times, totally overwhelming. I do my best to always spend quality time with my kids every day.

I don't do a lot of "me" stuff, though, other than zone out after the kids are in bed, which has increasingly meant drinking wine after 8 p.m. and snacking even later, and oh hey! I've gained 15 pounds over the last nine months. THESE THINGS MAY BE RELATED.

Still, at this point it's probably noteworthy that since I started this blog SEVEN YEARS AGO to chronicle my weight-loss efforts, the only thing that has remained constant is that I (basically) haven't lost weight.  The good news is that I truly, genuinely find this funny.

Can you tell me YOUR 2012 in bullets? I'll be here.

Photos for just because:
1. I had to add a tiara to my "professional" headshot.
2. Ish at Frog's Leap Winery (highly recommended! go visit!)



3a. Eve, January 2012
3b. Eve, January 2013


3c. Towns, December 2011
3d. Towns, December 2012



4. Pink Streak, March

5. First day of preschool


6a. Chicago
6b. Chicago, Ish's sister

6c. Also on the river in Chicago. Ben is being...Ben. And Emily is laughing at his ridiculousness. And yes, his shirt says, "Am I supposed to have a boner right now?

6d. Chicago, from our boat on the river




8a. I tracked Sam's trip across the country using Google Latitude. There she is!
8b. Sam and the kids do selfies
9. Disney - Breakfast with the characters, and pure bliss
10. Our "Christmas" card photo which became our "New Year's" card because we mailed them out on January 7.


BONUS PICTURES IN NO ORDER FOR NO REASON!

Above: My cousin, Matt, and I at Christmastime in Connecticut.
Below: Matt's son and my daughter, at Christmastime in California.
Two impromptu shots, 36 years apart.
(Only after I took the one below did I remember I had the one above.)

Random SF Giants Game! 

We went to Vegas for a weekend and got hair/makeup done just because.
(Kinda foxy, right?) 

OMG. Eve took a dance "class" and this was the big recital. She's dancing to "Firework" by Katy Perry.

Yep. This happened.

Sunday in Napa (@ Biale Winery)

HALLOWEEN! 

One of the awesomest things that happened this year was that we grew closer to our friends in Napa.
This is Erin
I tried to start a meme and totally failed, but whatever.
Funny picture.