Saturday, April 23, 2005

And Now...Karaoke For The Uterus!

(you knew this was coming.)

for years we've all heard the jokes (and groans) from men detailing the horrors of "certain kinds" of medical exams they must subject themselves to ("okay, now cough"). and i don't want to suggest it isn't rough for guys, what with all your fears of swabbing and stuff.

but come now. for even the most routine of exams for women, we have to get all hoisted up on some table and situate ourselves in cold, metal torture-chamber like positions while all-too-cheery doctors prod us with cold, metal torture-device like things. and then carry on conversations with us.

it's not pleasant. we don't look forward to it. hell, we can't even say it -- we have to spell it like it's a bad word ("i have to go to the *hushed tone* o...b...g...y...").

let's face it. ObGyns are the voldemorts of doctors.

and thus, i have every empathy in the world for My Poor Friend who is having some Complicated Woman Problems. Problems so Complicated that the first TWO trips to the voldemort couldn't quite resolve them.

My Poor Friend: kristy, they are going to have to do an ultrasound.

me: oh, i'm sorry. you're not talking about the kind that goes over the tummy, are you.

MPF: nope. and this is going to suck. they have to...you know...go in.

me: i know. but at least you get to see what your uterus looks like from the inside!

i say this with mock enthusiasm. no one needs to see their uterus from the inside. on a tv screen. in front of the voldemort.

MPF: yeah. you know, that thing they use...it does kind of look like a microphone.

me: does it?

MPF: it does. do you think my uterus would sing if it could?

you see, this is what Complicated Woman Problems do to women.

me: i'm sure.

MPF: we could play some Uterus Karaoke. hmm. i wonder what my uterus would like to sing to me.

me: hard to say.

MPF: i think "you light up my life."

me: that would be nice. sweet. almost romantic.

MPF: kristy, that's gross.

apparently i do not know the rules of Uterus Karaoke.

me: sorry.

MPF: no, that's okay. maybe my uterus does have feelings for me. or did, and now it doesnt' anymore. maybe it would like to sing "you've lost that lovin' feeling." we've both seen top gun a million times. it's gotta know the words.

me: how about "one" from a chorus line? "one singular sensation, every little step she takes --"

MPF: kristy, that's gross too. and i don't think we should sing songs with the word "sensation" in them. my uterus might be a little sensitive about that.

again with the rules.

me: well, good luck with the exam. and let me know if the uterus bursts into song.

MPF: i will. but it might be a little muffled. no pun.


who says laughter isn't the best medicine? (probably the voldemort.)

17 comments:

  1. Hi there!! I have had this procedure. It's just a bit weird...but is over really quickly, and it's a way to see yourself in a whole new light. I got to find out that my eggs are plentiful and at 33, I was relieved about that. I said hi to the kids.

    I LOVE your blog. I too, am addicted to mine. I would love to add yours to my list of favourites, so please check mine out and see if it's worthy!!

    Tamara from Vancouver

    ReplyDelete
  2. Quality Voldemort references!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would like to think my uterus would sing, "Send In The Clowns". But, that's just me.

    Love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  4. omg...

    i've had this done and it was the most embarassing thing EVER.

    the bastards at UCSF asked if some students could 'observe the ultra-sound' and of course i said yes and of course they were all male. and cute.

    and of course they never explained the procedure to me and there i am...spread eagle...and there is the microphone

    me-'what are they gonna do with tha...oh...'

    cheers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It might sing "Hopelessly Devoted to Uterus"...

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm still choking on my diet Coke after reading the singing uterus bit. Reminds me of how OB-GYN exams tend to make me (1) yap nervously, (2) get cranky, or (3) do both. I *hate* the drapey sheet, the gigantic hot-hot-hot bright light trained on "center stage" and the little car-crank thing they use (they call it a speculum, but I've seen the old movies where they had to get in front of cars and crank them up, and it feels EXACTLY like that looks). And they always want you to scoot down until you fear your butt is just going to go sproinging off the table. Never mind how they always tap your too-close-together knees and want you to "relax."

    I recall one time being really cross when the doctor called in the nurse *after* I was all arranged to his satisfaction, especially since the foot of the bed faced the door to the room. I was glad no one was in the hallway to witness me in all my glory, but still! He moved the lights in a little closer, and those babies are hot. So I snapped ... I asked him if he was down there making shadow puppets in his own little p*ssy theater.

    There was a stunned silence ...

    And conversations were never the same with that doctor afterward.

    I tend to have things like this happen on the table. I recall once that I had shaved down there strictly for recreational purposes and did not recall this until I had hopped up onto the table and the doctor (a gal this time, thank god) said, "Oh, my..."

    Whereupon I babbled incoherently for a few minutes about well, my boyfriend really likes to change things up a bit ... which I'm sure was squarely in the TMI category.

    As is this post, undoubtedly. ;o)

    ReplyDelete
  7. carolyn, my entire BLOG falls under the TMI category.

    TMI, SchmeeMI.

    thanks for the post!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi,
    I have just recently started to read your blog and now I think I'm addicted. Your sense of humor is so cute!

    The main reason I'm writing is to tell you that I've had the singing uterus procedure with a twist. I was being checked to see if the seering pain I had several days previous to the exam was a ruptured ovarian cyst. They said they'd do an ultra sound and I thought it would be no big deal. Drink a lot of water, have a wand roll over my belly and lower abdomen, threaten to pee on the table and it would be all over. Not so. It was only after I'd consumed a gallon of water that I was told that it would be an INTERNAL ultra sound. My first thought was, "are they going to put that square wand UP THERE?" But alas..no..they showed be the "wand" and somehow thought that would put my mind to ease. Those things are over a foot long! Once the exam started, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, (yet). The tech, who was a woman, was understanding about how vulnerable this makes the patients feel and blah blah blah. She poked this wand in every direction and took pictures and then she poked it a little too far to the left and I came flying off the table. "Oh, I poked your ovary", she said. I was wondering if I was going to get to poke her overy in return.... She said there was something she was trying to get a clearer picture of and it got clearer when the wand was pointed to the left and then she said, "Here, can you hold this in this exact spot, I need to go get a doctor." So there I was, laying on the little examining table, the room lit only by the purple haze of the computer screen, holding a foot long "wand" inside of my very own self, trying not to move. The tech and the doc came back in and the doc introduced himself and attempted to shake my already occupied hand. He took the helm of the "wand" and I just layed there feeling pret--ty stupid. This is as close to an orgy as I hope to get. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Howdy All,
    Well from a girl that sits on the OTHER side of the gyn exam, it is not always fun and games for us either. We would prefer to be done quickly with your exam but when you sqeeze, jump, flinch, or scoot back on the table it makes life a little difficult. Nobody likes a vag-probe, or a speculum (I like to warm them up for a little less shock appeal) but they are life's little neccessary evils. Give a speculum weilding sister a break :)

    On a funny note, I would love to hear a uterus singing when I do an ultrasound, it would make my day. Perhaps we could start a little duet between the uterus and cervix when getting paps. It might make it more fun and exciting for both parties...Would you mind relaxing your knees if you knew a bang-up version of "You Don't Bring me Flowers" was gonna come belting out? We could whistle along!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hello....

    I have been reading your blog since I read your post that made Best of CL and now it is one of my daily routines...Email, MySpace, Your Blog then maybe some work.

    I absolutely love your blog and think that you are hilarious!! And now that you have referenced Voldemort I love it even more!! You sound like a complete riot and have inspired me to start my own blog to chronicle the crazy things that happen to me!! I just wanted to thank you for being so funny and always having a funny story that I can start my day off with.

    Kelly from the East Bay

    ReplyDelete
  11. Reminds me of my first visit with a new ob. I was laying under said "drapey sheet" horrified that I had forgotten to shave my legs. In walks my doctor who looks just like Paul Newman from the Cool Hand Luke days. It is just WRONG to think your obgyn is hot!

    ReplyDelete
  12. As someone else who's also been on both sides of the exam. I wish I could broadcast to all woman 'Let your knees fall apart and relax!' It makes it so much more comfortable (if you can do it) for both involved parties. Quicker too. Sure, your ass is hanging off the table, but would you rather have it hanging off for 2 minutes as opposed to 5 while someone tries to feel through your tensed muscles and figure out if anything is wrong? Pretend you are someone else if you have to, but fall apart, butterfly yourself, take a deep breath, let go. It goes so much easier on everyone. Examinee has no 'lift' to jump, squirm or reposition and examineer has full access to everything s/he has to complete the exam which is the whole reason you are there.

    To the lady told to hold her owm wand, that was one lazy technichian. If she was good she would have been able to identify the location of the area and re-find it on her own. Even in imminent danger of rupture, only skilled proffesionals should be waving those things around (or holding them still, as in your case). Very bad humanitarian skills on the end of the tech.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh my, who does not love the embarassment of the stirrups? The cold steel? Not me!

    Fortunately, my internal ultrasound tech was a very compassionate female. She was incredibly sensitive to the pain from a rather large burst cyst. I am eternally thankful for her gentle smile and understanding and to all techs/nurses/doctors out there who are able to do thier work with compassion and patience every day.

    The doctor, unfortunately, was the total opposite. Thankfully, after his brief foray in the deep folds, I was heavily sedated and didn't have to know him anymore.

    I wish I had the guts of Carolyn b and could tell the bad ones that they can stick it up their own hole next time! Nothing is worse than a doctor who has "the look of long-suffering dissaproval" for a jumpy or nervous patient. Perhaps he has forgotten that for the rest of us, this is not a daily occurence.

    K, you have a great blog. I love it! I can't get online at work, but over tonight's rum and coke, these are great betime stories! They are things to make me feel that life is, if not normal, at least a shared experience. Thank you to all your fans as well for adding to the community! As I contemplate my last (bad) internet encounter or the hazards of work out rooms with windows I am thankful to have read your stories. I've passed your link onto my good friends and we all love it.

    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Yup, been there in what sure seemed like a hallway next to the emergency rooms while a tech (male) tried to lessen the tension with fancy footwork (no sh*t!) and weird chatter. Thanks for the humorous perspective and solidarity, it helps a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi... I am not sure how I came upon your blog but I have never laughed any harder! I actually snorted and cried I was laughing so hard - and I am at WORK! I think I am addicted! I recently started my own blog and am still trying to get it going: http://thisfragilebreath.blogspot.com/

    Keep up the good work! And keep us posted with HottieHot - Michael was it?

    lotsa love,
    CJ

    ReplyDelete
  16. Funniest OB/GYN stores EVER.

    EVER!

    Especially the p*ssy theatre comment. Bwah!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. You haven't lived until your personal Voldermort raises his head and asks you ever so politly "whet did you do with your cervex?" This is not a good opening gambit to conversation. My reply was to tell him, I had it when I came in - maybe it fell out in the waiting room, let's go check. It was eventualy found and I was sent to the grumpy girl with the magic wand.

    ReplyDelete