Thursday, May 05, 2005

Sundresses and Self-Portraiture - The Naked Truth

so Once Upon A Time i was going to go on this whole verbal rampage about how much i hate summer because of how much i hate summer clothes, only because i cannot really wear sundresses ever because of the whole Mashed Potato Boob and ghetto booty thing i have going on (even when i weigh lots less than i do now).

and so i started trying to describe why sundresses don't work for me and my body type, but that got long and boring and blah blah blah.

"this isn't working," i said to myself, a good glass of wine or three in. there must be some way to convey the sundress issue.

"a-ha!" i thought, upon having another glass of wine, i could just draw it for you, imaginary internet friends.

this is what happens when lunatic women with imaginary internet friends are left alone with wine, a computer, and no date.

and so i did draw it.

which means that you are about to see:
  • "artistry" that is the result of someone (who has no idea how to use photoshop) using photoshop while a bit sauced

  • something i like to call "artistic license" with regard to "fashion"

  • me naked


okay.

the first thing i realized is that, in order to properly convey why i cannot wear sundresses, you need to understand why other women can.

take this "person" for example. she has a reasonable body.
where is your other arm?

sure, her hair needs a little work (in this case blond really is a sickness, whatever) and she could probably use things like arms and feet, but you get the idea. she has a body that when dressed in a pink-patterned, flowered, feminine, spaghetti-strapped sundress, looks like she should. um, like:
you need more hair

see? isn't that cute?

but that is not what i'm working with. i'm more like:
image to scale

so. when you add a cute, flouncy, frilly, feminine, flowered little sundress on top of this kind of body, you get:
give it up

and this is why i do not wear sundresses.

The End.

44 comments:

  1. Ericha2@comcast.net2:03 PM, May 06, 2005

    Have you seen this site? www.torrid.com

    This wonderful store has cute sundresses and other sexy, cute, non-mumus for larger sizes. AND...many of the pics show the models (actual plus size models not size 6s wearing scaled down versions of the size 16s) from front AND BACK! You can see what it will look like over your "ghetto booty".

    Check it out! There's a Torrid at the Valley Fair mall in Santa Clara, not sure if there's one closer to the city.

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  2. oh, i know torrid.

    though for some unknown reason, torrid loves tank top/spaghetti straps, which is annoying.

    but thanks -- maybe others here will like it.

    also, my whole sundress issue started after i had LOST all the weight and was a pretty tiny size -- but just cannot sport sundresses, ever. :)

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  3. Hilarious. I have the same booty problem however im not very proportioned because i have no chest, no chest at all...

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  4. i'm thankful that i'm balanced. 'cuz otherwise i'd just topple over in one direction or another. ;)

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  5. I'm with Beans...I have no chest. Just little ol' B's. But I do have a booty. It's not exactly bootylicious, it's just there and big. I'm sure it could be "bootylicious" if I worked out.

    K - LOVE the illustrations!

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  6. Just wanted to thank you for the most hilarious afternoon I've spent at work in a long time (just read over a ton of your posts).
    You even inspired me to start a blog, even though a friend had been harrassing me to do so for a long time! So, thanks for all the funny posts, keep them coming!!
    And I hear where you're coming from with the spaghetti strap comment... the girls just don't look as good without the proper lift.

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  7. I'm all boobs and no ass....I'm going to fall over at any minute. Still can't wear sundresses, though. Or those trendy "full (i.e. look at my gigundo hips) skirts" everyone was sporting last season. Love your blog, btw. A new favorite work distraction. Come visit me some time at my home on the web: http://ravingloon.blogspot.com .

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  8. oh my goodness....I felt the same way with the boobs. They were always too HUGE to fit into those nice cute sundresses that had the cut outs for where the boob should be. ::rolling eyes:: But I just had a reduction so I can now wear some of those cute sun dresses.....the longer ones. :)

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  9. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAbreathe
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAgasp gaspHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAsigh.

    Whew. That was totally worth waiting for.

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  10. Oh Kristy, you are the living end. Too funny...or funny/tragic since I can completely relate. Where are the summer dresses with full booty coverage, attractive waistlines, and straps that will allow you to wear a bra? WHERE I ask you!?! (Sorry I can get carried away when it comes to women’s clothing.)

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  11. nyc-sketch-gal2:59 PM, May 06, 2005

    ohmigod!
    we must be twins.
    must send you my drawing of myself to prove it. i've tackled the sundress issue many times only to be bitch-slapped by the reality of DD boobs.
    aaaaarrrrgh!

    love love love your blog btw.....

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  12. You are a gifted artist. I like these even better than your best of CL winning fireman/gluteal exercise diagram.

    If I didn't already have a title for my site, and if it wouldn't be a somewhat weird name for a site run by a straight guy, I would give serious consideration to not "flounce" if ass is visible

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  13. Ha! Ha! Ha! I am looking for another designer, you know.... and I'm sure the bank will like your photoshop free-forming skills ... I'm just saying is all!!!

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  14. K, I am feeling your pain with this. Even when I was at my SMALLEST, my boobs did not allow sundress-wearing. EVER. It was like porn show.

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  16. "...I would give serious consideration to not "flounce" if ass is visible"

    In the immortal words of Dave Barry: "Which, by the way, would be a great name for a rock band."

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  17. Omigod, that made me laugh until tears came! You forgot one figure though - Stick Girl! We're talkin' no hips, no boobs, not an inch of curve... Sundresses look the same on me as they did when I was 5. Mind you, I was pretty good with the guys back in kindergarten!

    OH to have some boobs! Maybe when I get pregnant...

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  19. dont Know Kristy I would have to see to believe ...if its true I dont think your that bad....in fact Im sure of it
    I bet your on hellofa sexy chick .....

    Especially with that sence of humor
    very sexy...very mature....guys like me like it if you cant laugh at your self how are we to poke fun at others

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  20. Kristy, if you aren't considering stand up comedy - why not? You are writing and illustrating seriously fun stuff. You should expect somebody (not me) to "borrow" your stories in their own routine.

    Not only did you make this 40 year old woman laugh herself silly at the office, but actually change my opinion about a nation desperately blogging away.

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  21. My ex-wife loved to wear sun dresses even though her body was shaped much like you describe yourself. On one of our early dates, she dropped her keys on the way out of the door, bent down to get them, and fell out of the top. I said, "Wow, if that's how the date starts, I can hardly wait until after the movie!"

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  22. I love the graphics! and the "not 'flounce'..." comment.
    I also understand the inability to wear the sundress... they look so pretty but I just have never been able to find one that didnt make my chest look like the cover to a porno.

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  23. Now, THAT'S how I want to end my day...laughing! Thanks!

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  24. Gosh, I guess I'm glad I'm a guy.

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  25. I want you to be my best friend. Only we couldn't hug because our tits would SO get in the way.

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  26. I have two words for you Mu-Mu

    Love,

    Undr.

    btw awesome blog.

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  27. vanessa reminds me of when I, in my former life as a sorority girl, once dirty-danced with one of my sorority sisters (okay, so this happened all the time) but this particular time I attacked her from behind the way guys do in a club when they're too chicken to approach you the normal way (slobbery drunk and drooling on you), and after a few minutes of dancing she turned around and said, "It is so weird to grind with someone who has boobs!"

    Yeah. Let's also say that if I hugged vanessa or kristy, my boobs would also get in the way. Size DD. And I have never worn a sundress in my life.

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  28. At least you match.

    I've got the upper body of a 12 year old boy (not even an A cup) with the lower body of a Brick House, if you will. I don't match at all.

    I actually have to buy my pants to fit my ass and they are always way too big in the waist. When I do wear a sundress (which has happened approximately 3 times in my life), I look horrible, because I have the legs to match my ass.

    Also to add to the visual: I am as white as can be (due to the fact that I burn after 45 minutes outside) in a Southern town of video rental/restuarant/gas station/tanning salons.

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  29. You are as fun and funny as any comidienne out there. Please check out some local clubs and get started! You'll pack houses.

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  30. Thank you! I don't know if I've ever worn a sundress b/c anytime I pass by one in the store with those itty bitty straps I think "Yeah, I don't have bras with straps smaller than that...keep looking." The cute, flouncy, frilly, feminine on me just screams "White Trash!"

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  31. On the bright side for you--I have the ghetto booty, but my boobs are roughly the size of a kitten's head. 42" hips, A-cup breasticles. I think Carissa and I were seperated at birth, actually.

    I think I look cute in a sundress when I am using a mirror that only shows the torso, but once I go to a full length--YIKES!

    And let's not even go into the hugeness that is my calves and thighs--I don't even OWN shorts anymore!

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  32. Ericha2@comcast.net1:01 PM, May 08, 2005

    I'm going to Hawaii in June so I had to get shorts. GAH...scary. I even tried on some sundresses and my problem was, my boobs aren't big enough. I found stuff that was cute on my bottom half, even though i have huge thighs and calves but I couldn't fill out the top! I'm a 26 bottom with barely Cs up top and my tummy sticks out further than my lil boobs.
    Meh...shopping is depressing.

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  33. I believe we were seperated. I only wear shorts when working outside in the summmer. In the backyard.

    I can't fill out the tops of dresses, either. My best friend is getting married and to make my bridesmaid's dress fit, I had to fit it to the lower half of myself. So now I have to get these cup things put in the top. At least I'll know what tits feel like for a day, anyway!

    By the way, K, I think you are the best thing to happen to blogs. I can't get enough!

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  34. I laughed so hard at this post! Great illustrations.

    I have a similar problem with the ass, in fact we are not on speaking terms...

    The fact I am six foot tall and have a 'booty' skirts of any kind, long or short, just don't look right on me. I wear pants 24/7/365...and I hate summer.

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  35. You forgot to mention the phenomenon Laurie Notaro dubbed "chub rub", the chaffing you get on your inner thighs that prompts us to wear bike shorts or boxers under a dress/skirt. Sexy.

    Screw it. I wear little dresses and skirts anyway. There's just something so liberating about not wearing pants.

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  36. Ahhh the dreaded Chub Rub!! My coworker and I have had multiple conversations regarding this topic. It never fails that the day you wear a skirt and forget the shorts underneath...you end up walking all over creation. Damn the Chub Rub!! this is reminding me that I need to get some biker shorts...

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  37. BTW, for those of you talking about chub rub, have you seen the stuff that's now on the market claiming to eliminate the "chaffing"? Only thing, it's made by someone embarrassing, like Monastat. If anyone's tried this, I'd be interested to hear how it turned out!

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  38. I feel your pain, Kristy! Sadly I am built much like you, (shelf booty and all)!

    Love your blog! You never fail to make me laugh until my sides hurt!

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  39. Ash, I think you're on to something. We need to find out where porn stars get their sundresses!! I have the same problem though! 34DDs, small waist and an arse that only black men appreciate. ;-)

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  40. K, you are as beautifull as you are funny.

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  41. it's me again... I was laughing 'til my nose stuffed up. Do I have to find Notaro's publisher's name and number or are you going to do it? :)

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  42. who wants to wear a sundress and look like all the other girls wearing sundresses, anyway?

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  43. Fabulous diagrams! I laughed so much my nose hit the keyboard.

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  44. wow, i really like what you are saying, but you should NOT let your body be an excuse. I'm a 42 DDD (Thank God for breastfeeding) and a big booty possesser (my husband thanks God for that one) and when the warm weather comes around, I pull out all the frilly , bright colored sundresses i can! Trust me, to you, you are a bouncing balloon, to everyone else, you are a beautiful ray of sunshine!

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