Sundresses and Self-Portraiture - The Naked Truth

so Once Upon A Time i was going to go on this whole verbal rampage about how much i hate summer because of how much i hate summer clothes, only because i cannot really wear sundresses ever because of the whole Mashed Potato Boob and ghetto booty thing i have going on (even when i weigh lots less than i do now).

and so i started trying to describe why sundresses don't work for me and my body type, but that got long and boring and blah blah blah.

"this isn't working," i said to myself, a good glass of wine or three in. there must be some way to convey the sundress issue.

"a-ha!" i thought, upon having another glass of wine, i could just draw it for you, imaginary internet friends.

this is what happens when lunatic women with imaginary internet friends are left alone with wine, a computer, and no date.

and so i did draw it.

which means that you are about to see:

• "artistry" that is the result of someone (who has no idea how to use photoshop) using photoshop while a bit sauced


• something i like to call "artistic license" with regard to "fashion"


• me naked

okay.

the first thing i realized is that, in order to properly convey why i cannot wear sundresses, you need to understand why other women can.

take this "person" for example. she has a reasonable body.


sure, her hair needs a little work (in this case blond really is a sickness, whatever) and she could probably use things like arms and feet, but you get the idea. she has a body that when dressed in a pink-patterned, flowered, feminine, spaghetti-strapped sundress, looks like she should. um, like:


see? isn't that cute?

but that is not what i'm working with. i'm more like:


so. when you add a cute, flouncy, frilly, feminine, flowered little sundress on top of this kind of body, you get:


and this is why i do not wear sundresses.

The End.