Sundresses and Self-Portraiture - The Naked Truth

so Once Upon A Time i was going to go on this whole verbal rampage about how much i hate summer because of how much i hate summer clothes, only because i cannot really wear sundresses ever because of the whole Mashed Potato Boob and ghetto booty thing i have going on (even when i weigh lots less than i do now).

and so i started trying to describe why sundresses don't work for me and my body type, but that got long and boring and blah blah blah.

"this isn't working," i said to myself, a good glass of wine or three in. there must be some way to convey the sundress issue.

"a-ha!" i thought, upon having another glass of wine, i could just draw it for you, imaginary internet friends.

this is what happens when lunatic women with imaginary internet friends are left alone with wine, a computer, and no date.

and so i did draw it.

which means that you are about to see:
  • "artistry" that is the result of someone (who has no idea how to use photoshop) using photoshop while a bit sauced

  • something i like to call "artistic license" with regard to "fashion"

  • me naked


okay.

the first thing i realized is that, in order to properly convey why i cannot wear sundresses, you need to understand why other women can.

take this "person" for example. she has a reasonable body.
where is your other arm?

sure, her hair needs a little work (in this case blond really is a sickness, whatever) and she could probably use things like arms and feet, but you get the idea. she has a body that when dressed in a pink-patterned, flowered, feminine, spaghetti-strapped sundress, looks like she should. um, like:
you need more hair

see? isn't that cute?

but that is not what i'm working with. i'm more like:
image to scale

so. when you add a cute, flouncy, frilly, feminine, flowered little sundress on top of this kind of body, you get:
give it up

and this is why i do not wear sundresses.

The End.

Comments

  1. Have you seen this site? www.torrid.com

    This wonderful store has cute sundresses and other sexy, cute, non-mumus for larger sizes. AND...many of the pics show the models (actual plus size models not size 6s wearing scaled down versions of the size 16s) from front AND BACK! You can see what it will look like over your "ghetto booty".

    Check it out! There's a Torrid at the Valley Fair mall in Santa Clara, not sure if there's one closer to the city.

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh, i know torrid.

    though for some unknown reason, torrid loves tank top/spaghetti straps, which is annoying.

    but thanks -- maybe others here will like it.

    also, my whole sundress issue started after i had LOST all the weight and was a pretty tiny size -- but just cannot sport sundresses, ever. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hilarious. I have the same booty problem however im not very proportioned because i have no chest, no chest at all...

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm thankful that i'm balanced. 'cuz otherwise i'd just topple over in one direction or another. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just wanted to thank you for the most hilarious afternoon I've spent at work in a long time (just read over a ton of your posts).
    You even inspired me to start a blog, even though a friend had been harrassing me to do so for a long time! So, thanks for all the funny posts, keep them coming!!
    And I hear where you're coming from with the spaghetti strap comment... the girls just don't look as good without the proper lift.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm all boobs and no ass....I'm going to fall over at any minute. Still can't wear sundresses, though. Or those trendy "full (i.e. look at my gigundo hips) skirts" everyone was sporting last season. Love your blog, btw. A new favorite work distraction. Come visit me some time at my home on the web: http://ravingloon.blogspot.com .

    ReplyDelete
  7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAbreathe
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAgasp gaspHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAsigh.

    Whew. That was totally worth waiting for.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh Kristy, you are the living end. Too funny...or funny/tragic since I can completely relate. Where are the summer dresses with full booty coverage, attractive waistlines, and straps that will allow you to wear a bra? WHERE I ask you!?! (Sorry I can get carried away when it comes to women’s clothing.)

    ReplyDelete
  9. ohmigod!
    we must be twins.
    must send you my drawing of myself to prove it. i've tackled the sundress issue many times only to be bitch-slapped by the reality of DD boobs.
    aaaaarrrrgh!

    love love love your blog btw.....

    ReplyDelete
  10. You are a gifted artist. I like these even better than your best of CL winning fireman/gluteal exercise diagram.

    If I didn't already have a title for my site, and if it wouldn't be a somewhat weird name for a site run by a straight guy, I would give serious consideration to not "flounce" if ass is visible

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ha! Ha! Ha! I am looking for another designer, you know.... and I'm sure the bank will like your photoshop free-forming skills ... I'm just saying is all!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. K, I am feeling your pain with this. Even when I was at my SMALLEST, my boobs did not allow sundress-wearing. EVER. It was like porn show.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  14. "...I would give serious consideration to not "flounce" if ass is visible"

    In the immortal words of Dave Barry: "Which, by the way, would be a great name for a rock band."

    ReplyDelete
  15. Omigod, that made me laugh until tears came! You forgot one figure though - Stick Girl! We're talkin' no hips, no boobs, not an inch of curve... Sundresses look the same on me as they did when I was 5. Mind you, I was pretty good with the guys back in kindergarten!

    OH to have some boobs! Maybe when I get pregnant...

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kristy, if you aren't considering stand up comedy - why not? You are writing and illustrating seriously fun stuff. You should expect somebody (not me) to "borrow" your stories in their own routine.

    Not only did you make this 40 year old woman laugh herself silly at the office, but actually change my opinion about a nation desperately blogging away.

    ReplyDelete
  17. My ex-wife loved to wear sun dresses even though her body was shaped much like you describe yourself. On one of our early dates, she dropped her keys on the way out of the door, bent down to get them, and fell out of the top. I said, "Wow, if that's how the date starts, I can hardly wait until after the movie!"

    ReplyDelete
  18. I love the graphics! and the "not 'flounce'..." comment.
    I also understand the inability to wear the sundress... they look so pretty but I just have never been able to find one that didnt make my chest look like the cover to a porno.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Now, THAT'S how I want to end my day...laughing! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Gosh, I guess I'm glad I'm a guy.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I want you to be my best friend. Only we couldn't hug because our tits would SO get in the way.

    ReplyDelete
  22. vanessa reminds me of when I, in my former life as a sorority girl, once dirty-danced with one of my sorority sisters (okay, so this happened all the time) but this particular time I attacked her from behind the way guys do in a club when they're too chicken to approach you the normal way (slobbery drunk and drooling on you), and after a few minutes of dancing she turned around and said, "It is so weird to grind with someone who has boobs!"

    Yeah. Let's also say that if I hugged vanessa or kristy, my boobs would also get in the way. Size DD. And I have never worn a sundress in my life.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You are as fun and funny as any comidienne out there. Please check out some local clubs and get started! You'll pack houses.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank you! I don't know if I've ever worn a sundress b/c anytime I pass by one in the store with those itty bitty straps I think "Yeah, I don't have bras with straps smaller than that...keep looking." The cute, flouncy, frilly, feminine on me just screams "White Trash!"

    ReplyDelete
  25. On the bright side for you--I have the ghetto booty, but my boobs are roughly the size of a kitten's head. 42" hips, A-cup breasticles. I think Carissa and I were seperated at birth, actually.

    I think I look cute in a sundress when I am using a mirror that only shows the torso, but once I go to a full length--YIKES!

    And let's not even go into the hugeness that is my calves and thighs--I don't even OWN shorts anymore!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm going to Hawaii in June so I had to get shorts. GAH...scary. I even tried on some sundresses and my problem was, my boobs aren't big enough. I found stuff that was cute on my bottom half, even though i have huge thighs and calves but I couldn't fill out the top! I'm a 26 bottom with barely Cs up top and my tummy sticks out further than my lil boobs.
    Meh...shopping is depressing.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I laughed so hard at this post! Great illustrations.

    I have a similar problem with the ass, in fact we are not on speaking terms...

    The fact I am six foot tall and have a 'booty' skirts of any kind, long or short, just don't look right on me. I wear pants 24/7/365...and I hate summer.

    ReplyDelete
  28. You forgot to mention the phenomenon Laurie Notaro dubbed "chub rub", the chaffing you get on your inner thighs that prompts us to wear bike shorts or boxers under a dress/skirt. Sexy.

    Screw it. I wear little dresses and skirts anyway. There's just something so liberating about not wearing pants.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I feel your pain, Kristy! Sadly I am built much like you, (shelf booty and all)!

    Love your blog! You never fail to make me laugh until my sides hurt!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Ash, I think you're on to something. We need to find out where porn stars get their sundresses!! I have the same problem though! 34DDs, small waist and an arse that only black men appreciate. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  31. K, you are as beautifull as you are funny.

    ReplyDelete
  32. it's me again... I was laughing 'til my nose stuffed up. Do I have to find Notaro's publisher's name and number or are you going to do it? :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. who wants to wear a sundress and look like all the other girls wearing sundresses, anyway?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Fabulous diagrams! I laughed so much my nose hit the keyboard.

    ReplyDelete
  35. wow, i really like what you are saying, but you should NOT let your body be an excuse. I'm a 42 DDD (Thank God for breastfeeding) and a big booty possesser (my husband thanks God for that one) and when the warm weather comes around, I pull out all the frilly , bright colored sundresses i can! Trust me, to you, you are a bouncing balloon, to everyone else, you are a beautiful ray of sunshine!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular Posts