Fish In The Sea Aren't That Clever

i know that with the Crazy post and the Bad Kissing post and all you might get the wrong impression.

but please do not think for one second that i have one ounce of man-hating in my body. i do not. in fact, i have been completely boy-crazy ever since jonathan kirkham used to pull my chair out for me and kiss me by the sandbox in kindergarten.

(isn't that the cutest thing you've ever heard?)

but since my most recent break-up, i have been a bit more skeptical about the 'more fish in the sea' theory. because here i am nearly 30, with three-plus failed long-term relationships under my belt (while jonathan is probably happily married with beautiful kids) (and is also probably amazingly successful to boot; i mean, we liked each other because he was the Smartest Boy in the class and i was the Smartest Girl. so surely he is somewhere running a company or curing cancer whereas i am spending an inordinate amount of time telling bad kissing stories to imaginary internet friends.).

so anyway. when i start to feel lonely, i occassionally find myself thinking, you know, maybe finding internet dates isn't such a bad idea. why not "test the waters?" (see how i'm working in the fish/sea theme like a real writer?) yeah, let's see who "bites."

and yes, yes, i know i have sworn off internet dating but the point is that sometimes i put ads on craigslist just to see what happens.

and then i get a bunch of responses that remind me why most people are still terrified of internet dating and why staying at home knitting is really perfectly fine.

so! to serve as warning or just to share or something, i present to you now some of my favorite lines--directly cut & pasted--from emails i've received in response to ads i've posted. ads, i should add, that i felt were well-written, funny, sly, charming and a bit edgy. nuanced, if you will.

right.

(uh, i will also add a "snark alert" at this point and apologize in advance for my less-than-tolerant responses. (but come ON. King Od?...)

****

I wish I were attractive, I try to make up for that shortcoming by being polite.
and honest.


Im clean, neat, and have good personal hygiene. Is that important?
um, well, yes.


You are really fucking smart, Woptee fucking doo. What else are you going to tell me that you are just so fantastic at?
scaring the shit out of men, apparently.


you are good at crossword puzzels and I an not
you don’t say.


I prefer settings or situations where I meet the right kinds of people. I may not club but I do like strip clubs. (Who doesn’t?) My friends got me into that and we go wild there.
you are so right. who doesn’t like strip clubs? and certainly when i think of meeting the “right kinds of people” i think of heading to strip clubs.


i thought your post was hell of funny!!!!! no one is perfect.i had the everything and its gone now, except for me!(thank god)
if you were not “hell of” high when you wrote this, i would be perfectly surprised. i do have to wonder, though, where your "the everything" went.


LIBERALS SAY THEY ARE OPEN MINDED… DON'T THINK SO? SINCE YOUR MOST LIKELY MORE ADVANCED IN THE MIND THAN THEM,YOU CAN GET IT OUT OF THEM...THATS THERE FAVORITE SAYING"I'M OPEN MINDED" BUT DIVIATE IN ANY SLIGHT WAY WITH SOME MADE UP PROGRESIVE AGENDA AND THEY MIGHT EVEN WIND UP ATTACKING YOU.
i hate to disappoint, but i must confess i am not actually “more advanced in the mind than them.” still, i wish you the best of luck in your search for open-mindedness.


I think because of my Passive Personality it’s too easy for me to ignore my Desires/want’s, needs, especially when it comes to Intimacy/Sex therefore I find it important for a Girl/Woman that’s just as Open Minded if not Happy about giving as well as receiving.
don’t you mean Giving/Receiving?


hey im insun valley maybe we could go out for some drinks.
compelling offer! how long did it take to compose this entire email?


i ooze charm-i'm funny smart ;sensitive to the needs of a woman;ultra attractive ,hottest ,honest;-no ego
no, no ego at all.


I am very happy to meet you. Meanwhile I have alreadily read your Ad & find that I am well-fitted for your requirements & hoping that you can be my friend & ...
i’m going to guess that english is not your first language, which doesn’t have to be a barrier except perhaps when trying to get to know someone through a written medium and your entire message is 33 words long. just a thought.


Laughing about the world is fine…but it still remains to be seen if you are part of the problem or part of the solution.
why yes, i suppose it does. let me work on that and get back to you.


If we get naked it will be because it feels right..
very good to know.


Be HONEST. If it is not working then we need to move on. She needs to care take of me and I will her. I will do anything for the woman I love. Love is a two way street you know. When she is at work she gives it 110% and when she is at home she will kick off her shoes let her hair done and let loose. I am a big flirt and will take care of her.
you know why i enjoy email? because it allows me to actually edit my thoughts and make sense of them. otherwise i might end up sending an entire stream of (somewhat bitter) consciousness out into the cyberworld and we wouldn't want that...


Hi i'm a serious king od guy but I also know when to have fun.
and clearly “fun” doesn’t involve spell check. well, i can't really blame you. all hail King Od.