Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Fish In The Sea Aren't That Clever

i know that with the Crazy post and the Bad Kissing post and all you might get the wrong impression.

but please do not think for one second that i have one ounce of man-hating in my body. i do not. in fact, i have been completely boy-crazy ever since jonathan kirkham used to pull my chair out for me and kiss me by the sandbox in kindergarten.

(isn't that the cutest thing you've ever heard?)

but since my most recent break-up, i have been a bit more skeptical about the 'more fish in the sea' theory. because here i am nearly 30, with three-plus failed long-term relationships under my belt (while jonathan is probably happily married with beautiful kids) (and is also probably amazingly successful to boot; i mean, we liked each other because he was the Smartest Boy in the class and i was the Smartest Girl. so surely he is somewhere running a company or curing cancer whereas i am spending an inordinate amount of time telling bad kissing stories to imaginary internet friends.).

so anyway. when i start to feel lonely, i occassionally find myself thinking, you know, maybe finding internet dates isn't such a bad idea. why not "test the waters?" (see how i'm working in the fish/sea theme like a real writer?) yeah, let's see who "bites."

and yes, yes, i know i have sworn off internet dating but the point is that sometimes i put ads on craigslist just to see what happens.

and then i get a bunch of responses that remind me why most people are still terrified of internet dating and why staying at home knitting is really perfectly fine.

so! to serve as warning or just to share or something, i present to you now some of my favorite lines--directly cut & pasted--from emails i've received in response to ads i've posted. ads, i should add, that i felt were well-written, funny, sly, charming and a bit edgy. nuanced, if you will.

right.

(uh, i will also add a "snark alert" at this point and apologize in advance for my less-than-tolerant responses. (but come ON. King Od?...)


****


I wish I were attractive, I try to make up for that shortcoming by being polite.
and honest.


Im clean, neat, and have good personal hygiene. Is that important?
um, well, yes.


You are really fucking smart, Woptee fucking doo. What else are you going to tell me that you are just so fantastic at?
scaring the shit out of men, apparently.


you are good at crossword puzzels and I an not
you don’t say.


I prefer settings or situations where I meet the right kinds of people. I may not club but I do like strip clubs. (Who doesn’t?) My friends got me into that and we go wild there.
you are so right. who doesn’t like strip clubs? and certainly when i think of meeting the “right kinds of people” i think of heading to strip clubs.


i thought your post was hell of funny!!!!! no one is perfect.i had the everything and its gone now, except for me!(thank god)
if you were not “hell of” high when you wrote this, i would be perfectly surprised. i do have to wonder, though, where your "the everything" went.


LIBERALS SAY THEY ARE OPEN MINDED… DON'T THINK SO? SINCE YOUR MOST LIKELY MORE ADVANCED IN THE MIND THAN THEM,YOU CAN GET IT OUT OF THEM...THATS THERE FAVORITE SAYING"I'M OPEN MINDED" BUT DIVIATE IN ANY SLIGHT WAY WITH SOME MADE UP PROGRESIVE AGENDA AND THEY MIGHT EVEN WIND UP ATTACKING YOU.
i hate to disappoint, but i must confess i am not actually “more advanced in the mind than them.” still, i wish you the best of luck in your search for open-mindedness.


I think because of my Passive Personality it’s too easy for me to ignore my Desires/want’s, needs, especially when it comes to Intimacy/Sex therefore I find it important for a Girl/Woman that’s just as Open Minded if not Happy about giving as well as receiving.
don’t you mean Giving/Receiving?


hey im insun valley maybe we could go out for some drinks.
compelling offer! how long did it take to compose this entire email?


i ooze charm-i'm funny smart ;sensitive to the needs of a woman;ultra attractive ,hottest ,honest;-no ego
no, no ego at all.


I am very happy to meet you. Meanwhile I have alreadily read your Ad & find that I am well-fitted for your requirements & hoping that you can be my friend & ...
i’m going to guess that english is not your first language, which doesn’t have to be a barrier except perhaps when trying to get to know someone through a written medium and your entire message is 33 words long. just a thought.


Laughing about the world is fine…but it still remains to be seen if you are part of the problem or part of the solution.
why yes, i suppose it does. let me work on that and get back to you.


If we get naked it will be because it feels right..
very good to know.


Be HONEST. If it is not working then we need to move on. She needs to care take of me and I will her. I will do anything for the woman I love. Love is a two way street you know. When she is at work she gives it 110% and when she is at home she will kick off her shoes let her hair done and let loose. I am a big flirt and will take care of her.
you know why i enjoy email? because it allows me to actually edit my thoughts and make sense of them. otherwise i might end up sending an entire stream of (somewhat bitter) consciousness out into the cyberworld and we wouldn't want that...


Hi i'm a serious king od guy but I also know when to have fun.
and clearly “fun” doesn’t involve spell check. well, i can't really blame you. all hail King Od.


41 comments:

  1. Oh fuck K, even your formerly imaginary friend is suffering from similar online dating mishaps. Perhaps that explains why my ex (great fuck, no future) is shaving in my bathroom right now? You are not alone. I know it's no consolation, but you are not alone...

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  2. I have so many similar e-mails I could share.
    Generally I save them for the days I feel unattractive because I am 35 and still single.
    I reinforces the fact that I am smart and have standards, not to mention a sick sense of humor that I still laugh even after reading them 20 times over!

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  3. OK.
    That's it.
    Time to sabotage your success.
    *waggles Maker's Mark™ bottle ever so luringly*

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  4. i found your blog through craigs list. you are absolutely fantastic, i am constantly seeking witty and intelligent blogs/ live journals to lurk through. keep up the good work
    -kate

    p.s. you remind me of amy sedaris, has anyone ever told you that?

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  5. K,

    Smart...witty..and hot. Sounds like to me that you are every womans nightmare. But seriously....why stress? God has a plan for you. You usually find love when you are not looking for it. Don't let your "clock" force you into a relationship that is not healthy.

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  6. Aren't those pathetic? Makes me want to stay home and read for the rest of my life.

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  7. try myspace.com that way it isn't truly internet dating, just networking and friending, and possibly meeting someone who doesn't such yaaaay

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  8. I meant suck... dammit Leah and your typos and not proofreading before sending..

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  9. ha ha ha ha...oh, I'm so so sorry. ;)
    moki

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  10. Ahhh the loveliness of craigslist. I don't think the men of the best caliber are browsing those personals. I tried Match.com, ugh it was just as crappy. Myspace and friendster have been better.

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  11. This is so right on. My friend is always getting emails like this. It is so freaking funny. And yet, so sad. I am sad for humanity.

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  12. Oh good lord...that's just plain scary.

    I ended up meeting my significant other ("SigOth") in an online dating forum a looong time ago, possibly the primordial match.com back when it was starting. We actually lucked out (well, I did, she was the first date I went on from there...she had "mixed luck").

    I definitely think it's hell for a single female with online dating, but there are smart, funny people who will pull out chairs and kiss by the sandbox during recess (yes, even at age 30!).

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  13. you ARE HILARIOUS! and very on the spot about everything. i also post on CL when i'm feeling a bit low. and yes, the responses are hilarious, although it ends up bumming me out- slim pickings over the internet.

    keep writing! your internet friends love you.

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  14. Every man I've ever met online has been an absolute freak. Makes you wonder what all those guys you refused to meet are actually like, huh? Consider yourself lucky. You could be meeting all these guys while drunk and get stuck with them!

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  15. Craigslist provides hours of entertainment for me. Thanks for sharing.

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  16. I've commented on your blog twice now and finally have a blogger account JUST so I could be as cool as you.

    Sort of scary, right?

    Regardless, I've been through Craigslist dating myself--even had six dates in a weekend, and although I entertained my friends while we were in various drinking establishments, telling tales of The Weekend for weeks...I didn't make it half as funny as you did. All hail King Od!

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  17. And speaking of, why is it that almost every man who's posted here feels the need to tell you that "good guys exist" or my favorite, "God has a plan for your life"? Don't men understand that women post funny dating stories because they're FUNNY, and not because they're looking for sympathy of any kind? Men being nice completely ruin the joke; it's like me telling my mother a good story about me being jealous of my student friend drinking margaritas at 2:30 in the afternoon, and my mother saying anxiously, "Wow...you really want to be a student again?"

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  18. You are so fabulously funny. I happened to find your blog when hitting random on the knitting ring.

    Awesome blog. :)

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  19. i totally hear you, aarwenn.

    i would like to direct your attention to el_gallo's comment, however. now *there* is a man after my own heart (being rude and offering me bourbon).

    of course, he is one of the three-plus failed relationships, but that's so not the point. :)

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  20. Donn't be to harsh on thoes who hav truoble speeling wurds.

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  21. all hail king od, lmao. sorry, your now one of my favorite blog/lj to read, you make my day :)

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  22. You are hilarious. I am now going to get even less work done because I will be reading your blog--well done!
    If you want to get responses from stoned snowboarders, let me know and I can hook you up! :-)

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  23. Those are awesome!
    a friend and I were on the same dating site for a while and we would get the exact same e-mails from some of the guys. Seriously, is a little original thought such a difficult thing to ask?
    Excellent blog!

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  24. i met my husband in a chat room. his spelling was atrocious and i blew him off repeatedly, but after many months of online messaging and then phone calls, i agreed to meet him. and we clicked. so, you never know.

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  25. i'm so peeing my pants over these guys. too funny.

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  26. New blogger here. I am enjoying yours so very much. I think any guy would be crazy not to want to date you. I can't wait until you find the right "him" and get to read all about it.

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  27. Ericha2@comcast.net12:44 PM, May 04, 2005

    Ok...I've said this before, please don't hate me but I'm one of the online relationship successes. Although my current relationship started a little differently.

    I met my SO in an online chat room, which was part of an online chess server back in 1993. Yup, they had internet back then! Anyway, we were "imaginary internet friends" for 5 years (off and on, when we'd catch each other online). In 1999 I was touring with a children's theater group and had lots of down time in the evenings so I started spending more time online. I re-connected with my current SO and we spent ridiculus amounts of time talking to each other. 3-5 hours a night. By the summer I was working in CT and we were talking on the phone every night. He said he wanted to meet so he flew from SF to the East Coast and we spent a week getting to know each other. (he stayed at a hotel and didn't know where I lived, so I was safe, just in case) In December I flew to SF and spent a week with him, fell in love with the city and decided to move here. I moved here in February of 2000 and my SO and I have been together ever since! =)

    I never thought Chess would be the catalyst for love.

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  28. I found your blog via the Best of Craigslist. I "tune in daily" for your "pearls of wisdom (LOL)"! Online dating is a mixed bag, to be certain! But take heart...those responses were actually GREAT compared to some of the ones I received when I did it & some of the other horror stories that I hear! As bright and witty as you are, I am sure that eventually you will find "THE ONE"! In the meantime...please keep writing, because your internet friends ADORE you!

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  29. I wandered on in through repeated clicks on that 'Next Blog' button on a boring Wednesday afternoon. I'm quite new to this blogging thing myself, and am quickly realising I didn't really have as much to say as I thought I did. So it's really great to see a blog that doesn't consist entirely of a detailed description of the bloggers desk.... you give me hope. Maybe I will think of something to write.

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  30. I'm also searching for a date on Craigslist. In general, I believe smart women do scare men. Especially smart women who are comfortable in their skin. I find it very interesting that guys come on like there's no tomorrow until they find out I'm carrying extra weight!

    Good luck on your search!

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  31. And not just any old bourbon; Maker's Mark! Him using his power for evil, though, is slightly scary--and definitely slightly sexy. I've no idea if your ex is really this type, but in general, why are men who want to us to blow all the rules and take things to excess so attractive?

    Him: You're too skinny! Have some dessert! Have another Jameson's on the rocks! Can I buy you a shot of Petron?

    Me: *spreads legs*

    Really, though, it's universal. You see someone marching along in perfect rhythm in their perfect little world, taking their vitamins and eating right and working out daily and getting all work assignments completed and WEARING CLEAN UNDERWEAR...and you just want to break into their psyche and twist something. :)

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  32. why are men who want to us to blow all the rules and take things to excess so attractive?

    um, yes he *is* this kind of guy.

    and also is, in no way, in need of a psyche-twisting. it's well twisted on its own.

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  33. Anyone who'd think to lure someone else off the straight and narrow with, basically, the lid from a Maker's Mark bottle tied to a fishing line...

    Clearly their psyche comes pre-twisted at the manufacturers. :) And thank you for entertaining me! Building airplanes is very slow, today.

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  34. May I add that craigslist is full of very interesting...ahem...people. I ran an ad to sell a bed frame recently and received emails asking what we might do on said bed. Yuck!

    http://worddiary.blogspot.com/

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  35. I should share the post I found on the "missed connections" section of craigslist written by my soon-to-be ex-husband (before I knew him to be my soon-to-be-exhusband). Of course I saw this while snooping through his email, but still....

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  36. I used to Craigslist date...my strategy was to get all my weird little quirks known as soon as possible, either in the ad or the response. Then--after a few perfectly pleasant dates with perfectly pleasant conversation that were quite clearly devoid of chemistry but nonetheless as pleasant as a snippet of conversation between two people on an airplane briefly recognizing each other's existence enough to acknowledge that yes, indeed, we are both good naturedly, patiently annoyed by the children kicking our seats from behind--I realized that dating is probably a horrible idea since I don't know anyone in a commited relationship that met their other from dating so the odds seem pretty bad. So instead of dating I've decided to go to law school. The main reason I'm going to law school is because I'm interested in getting into the burgeoning, exciting field of saving the world, but I must admit that on the phone the other day my mom said she thought it would be a good idea to go to a school with a high percentage of women as that would increase my chances of finding "a good woman." Personally...I think that's a little nutty..but hey you know my mom! (By the way, she asked if you were going to come pick up your bike soon...she's paranoid that it's going to be stolen while under her care.) On the other hand she may be right since I do know someone who is happily married because of law school and none because of Craigslist.

    NOTE: Roll your eyes all you want but there really are good men on Craigslist, just in general they're not trolling the dating section because they realize that the chances of finding a meaningful relationship on Craigslist is roughly equivalent to finding a meaningful relationship on the next barstool. If I were you I would instead look at the furniture section, that way you have a chance of finding someone who is interested in building an attractive home space, not merely decorating with those folding blue chair in a bag with a beverage holder things you get at Target. Not only that but you can analyze their personalities based on upholstery. For example:

    Floral print, terrible condition: Believes that street corners are a good place to realize one's interior decoration dreams.

    Nondescript brown, terrible condition: Only now getting around to disposing of the reject furniture from his frat house to get a nice new shiny black leather couch.

    Black leather, nice new shiny: Opts for phrases like "hotness factor" and "smokin'" to describe the quintessence of female beauty in place of, for example, "breathtaking" or "cloudless climes." Already getting rid of brand new shiny leather may indicate a commitment and/or decision-making problem. May not be very good at communicating feelings but a little too good at communicating the significance of current stock indices and/or real estate possibilities.

    Red minimalist IKEA: Hardwood floors summon up romantic thoughts of padding in bare feet and his bathrobe towards an elegant breakfast with a single lily as centerpiece, but may more likely result in embroilment in conversations about Julie Taymor or abstract art when he really has no idea what he's talking about. Also...you could never be sure you weren't going to come home one day to find another man in the bed.

    Patio furniture: Married, sorry.

    Bunch of Folding chairs: Probably very good, wholesome, community-oriented. May be selling them for his church as the general guy who takes care of mowing the lawns, setting up the tables, and teaching the office staff to use email. The earnestness is going to get old though.

    Yeah on second thought maybe furniture isn't such a good idea. Books might be a better bet: http://portland.craigslist.org/bks/71442437.html

    Hmm. Well just take comfort that there is someone out there for everyone. Unfortunately that someone is Jon Stewart and he's taken.

    Happy Hunting!
    Arthur
    adelaney at mac dot com

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  37. So, so funny...

    I am also on my way to being 30 (well, I just turned 29 a week and a half ago...but 30 looms), and I recently ended a relationahip (about a month ago) with a guy I had been with for five years. So I am working through that and planning to launch myself out onto the Internet dating scene again soon...if I don't meet anyone, I hope to at least get as much entertainment out of the process as you are!

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  38. K,
    I love coming to your blog... I would love to switch brains with you for a day... however you would be scarred for life from mine, so I wouldn't do that to you. Thanks so much for sharing your humor and talent with us FOR FREE!!

    And if you ever do figure out the secret to losing weight while still enjoying "spirits".. PLEASE let me know.. red wine is my friend.
    xo
    Keri

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  39. You're a hoot! I'm a regular at your blog site now! Can't wait to read what's next.

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