Monday, May 02, 2005

Your Worst Nightmare

there is nothing, nothing, nothing worse than a really bad kisser.

my at-work, ladies'-lunchtime-knitting-roundtable found ourselves discussing the incredible impact that a great kiss can have on us. (see, this is what we supplement the "but he didn't leave a MESSAGE" discussions with.) but because that conversation was brief since great kissers are oh-so rare (and seriously, if you want to shut up a bunch of women, ask them to think about their best kiss ever; they'll just start staring all dreamily into space) (until they start swearing like sailors because they just totally messed up their yarn-over for the second time), we found ourselves discussing the other side of the story.

and here is where this entry becomes, quite frankly, gruesome.

::WARNING: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART::

what i am about to share with you is rather horrid. but it is true. and it is scary. and my friends who have heard this story first hand have asked that i share it here. perhaps to serve as a warning, perhaps just to make you feel better. because your worst kiss was not as bad as this.

so. when i was younger (but definitely old enough to know better) i agreed to go on a date with a man i will now have to call The Timid Lizard, becuase that will give you an indication of where this is going and why really you might want to stop reading RIGHT NOW.

(okay fine, but don't say i didn't warn you.)

the date fell into the ho-hum category. conversation was fine, but a little awkward, and overall the connection/butterflies/zsa zsa zsu was just NOT happening.

or so i thought.

apparently, the guy was on a different date than i was on. apparently, on his date, things were going very well. on his date, i seemed into him (on my date, my body language couldn't have spoken louder to the contrary). and so, on his date, it seemed like a good idea for him to end the night by stepping in closer to me.

whereupon i, as delicately as possible, jerked my head back -- mostly because i was shocked: he was going to try and kiss me, and i didn't know why, or how he could possibly think that a good idea, or what to do.

you know how moments like these seem to go in slow motion? when the moments go so slowly you can hear yourself think almost aloud?

"no way. he is not going to-- oh yes. he is. he IS going to try and-- no, don't scream. don't say 'ew' aloud that is too rude. maybe pull away a littl--uh, that is his hand on your shoulder. your shoulder. like you are in middle school and this is the slow dance. your 12-year-old boyfriend was smoother than this. ooh wait, maybe he is just going to pat your shoulder and wish you-- christ, there is his other hand on your-- is that your ribcage he's touching? you have to do something about this. nothing good is going to come from this. this shoulder-ribcage middle-school dance move is so not okay.

"okay, maybe if you don't move he will get the hint. his wet noodled arms clearly aren't going to pull you in, so maybe you can still escape-- ew. he's coming closer. he actually stepped closer instead of pulling you to him ew ew. keep pulling your head away this isn't really happen-- yes it is. he is kissing you. you have let him kiss you. his lips are on yours and you know his tongue is going to be next. why are you not pulling away? what are you DOING!?!?..."

and dumbfounded, i stood there. allowing noodle arms to kiss me. and then it got much worse.

because he did start with his tongue. he slowly, grossly, timidly stuck his tongue out at me, into my mouth.

and then he slowly, grossly, timidly took it out.

"okay," i heard myself say, "you survived and it was brief and WHAT IS THAT EWEWEW--"

it came back. the tongue came back.

and i suddenly realized that this wasn't just a bad kiss, it was the start of an entire bad-kiss-related production. starring me, The Timid Lizard, and the Timid Lizard's hips.

imagine if you will, me standing there in what can only be described as awe, while The Timid Lizard comes at me with a limp tongue and at the same time pushes his hips against me, in some sort of icky circular movement. meaning: tongue comes out, hips brush against me; tongue retracts, hips move away.

me, doing nothing.

and yet this is still not the worst of it. because now that the production is underway (with no end in sight), we have the added attraction of sound.

yes, sound.

every time the Lizard Tongue/Hip Movement reaches me, he makes a noise. a gurgly mmmMMMmmm noise.

i have no idea how i allowed the worst make-out experience of my life to continue, but i was struck immobile. all i could do was hear me yelling at myself in my head ("ew here comes the tongue, hips, mmmMMMmmm; phew! there they go. YOU NEED TO STOP THIS-- ew here comes the tongue, hips, mmmMMMmm; phew! there they go. YOU NEED TO STOP THIS...")

so finally, after what seemed like an awe-struck eternity, i awoke from my stupor. i suddenly pulled as far back as possible (and almost knocked myself against my door). and glared at him, trying not to look completely horrified.

he just looked at me and said, "mmmm. you are a great kisser."

73 comments:

  1. Poor dears. They really are just clueless, aren't they.

    O, and I have had those kind of kisses. Totally, grossly, slimely lizardy.

    Ug. I feel dirty.

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  2. My eyes! My eyes! Your lizard kiss story is priceless. Just priceless!

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  3. OMG - DYING CRYING laughing. I should NOT read your blog when I'm at work!!!!! lol

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  4. By way of presenting the man's side of this...and WE DO HAVE A SIDE...I must say that there are women who are terrible at kissing, too. The problem is that all women think they're great at kissing. And society backs them up, because kissing should be an intimate, nurturing thing and women are supposed to be more capable of intimacy and nurturing.

    So here's one: Clearly, she wants me to kiss her. I know this because I already have, and she's still got her arms around my neck. She's smiling, and she's got THAT LOOK in her eyes...you know, the one that shows she's got her Internal Love Soundtrack playing "Girl From Ipanema" and everyone around her is going, "Ahh!" So, I go in for the second kiss...the first one was just to test the waters, but this is the big one, The Kiss That Could Last A Lifetime. I know it. She knows it. Her cats know it. The people in the made-for-TV movie we've been watching up until now know it.

    We are kissing, and it is nice and it is good and it is oh-so-right...and it goes on for fifteen, twenty seconds...until...

    The Teeth.

    She has teeth. Most of the time, I consider this a good thing. For example, I like that she has teeth when she smiles. I like that she has teeth when I take her out to dinner. In fact, it's safe to say that in general, I like that she has teeth.

    But not right at this moment, because her teeth are embedded in my lower lip. Upper and lower sets. I pull away. My lip does not, and I snap back into her like I've been shot UPWARDS from a bungie jumping platform and have reached the full extent of the cord.

    She mistakes my sudden drop back down onto her as passion, and bites harder. My muffled cries of pain sound like rapture to her, so she teases by momentarily releasing and then latching back on to my lip.

    I am in agony.

    I grab her everywhere I can think of to get her to stop...her hair, her ass, her breasts. I only just manage to stop myself before I attempt to gouge out her eyes.

    At last, I find myself free, and I sit bolt upright, my lip throbbing. I am sure it is dripping blood, but I am afraid to wipe my mouth.

    Breathless, she stretches like a happy cat and purrs, "You are SUCH a good kisser."

    It probably made her crazy that I never called her back.

    On the other hand, perhaps it was all part of an elaborate practical joke.

    I really don't understand women at all.

    ~Kurt

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  5. that's just not right!! fucking hysterical, but not right.

    -el snarkster

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  6. So... What about some GOOD kiss stories. As a man who never imagined that a good kiss could change the course of history (at least, the personal history of the woman I'm kissing), I'd like some pointers on what to do.

    How can I change a woman's life with a kiss?

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  7. i just passed an entire piece of office-birthday-party carrot cake through my nose, laughing so hard.

    it hurt. a lot.

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  8. I have one--the een of my father's open heart surgery. I was prepared to cancel the date, but Dad insists I go.
    The guy knows the situation, but is willing to take me out to cheer me up.
    It wasn't the limp lizard kiss, it was the tongue the size of Montana, extremely wet and slimey. I have never in my life had such a horribly moist, nay, wet, kiss in my entire 35 years on this earth. And he wouldn't stop kissing. I kept thinking that I was deeply immersed in the 3" of water that is all you need to drown. I was there with out a life boat.
    I swear--I have flashbacks not unlike a war vet! Although, admittedly, it DID get my mind of Dad's surgery for 2 minutes.

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  9. What revolts me the most, really, is not the Timid Lizard type (who is really more creepy than disgusting) but the type that tries to corner you with an open mouth and all you can see is drippy open-mouth thick tongue slurpfest about to slosh in, and so you rush to move your head and are left with the slobby mess on your cheek.

    Related confession: I have *never* had one of the World Tilting Good Kisses. Ever. I've been doubting, lately, their existence.

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  10. oh, lorien...

    the world-tilting good kisses are out there, believe me.

    of course, the downside is that once you have experienced The Greatest Kiss (or Kisser) of Your Life, you will be forever ruined.

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  11. ... I could handle ruination. Ahem.

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  12. Oh holy mother of god!! The way you described it was so...vivid! It's like this movie in my head and I'm totally screaming "Stop him!!" You paint a picture very well! I feel icky now. But you did warn me & I did not listen!

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  13. OH? Thats not the way to kiss? Dammit!!!!

    Love,

    UNDr

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  14. Oh. Ew.
    I blocked out my worst kiss, but was I the only one faced with the guys who crush thier teeth into yours when they kissed you while in college?

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  15. Was his name Dave? Ugh.. come to think of it.. Dave had more of a froggy tongue that darted in and out in a rapid fashion. Yuck yuck yuck.

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  16. ...

    Did you, uh, go out on a date with my ex or something? Because that was like a bad acid flashback.

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  17. i am married to one! eww, ewww, ewww. i just don't kiss him.

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  18. I want to be anonymous cuz I'm still friends with the guy, and he's pretty nice except for being quite old fashioned about some things.

    I thought he was bad, but he was basically like the lizard but without the noises or hip thrusts *shudder*. Although I think his tongue action might have been worse. I'm convinced he really was trying to shove his tongue down my throat, not just like the phrase. I really didn't know what to do, because I couldn't move my mouth at all when he did this, so kissing back in a way to get out of the position was impossible. He also would occasionally take my upper and lower lip in his mouth, and again I didn't know what to do. I don't understand how this would be pleasurable to him or me, having his lips around my entire mouth, squeezing my mouth shut? Can some one fill me in, I'm utterly confused by this by this behaviour.

    On another note, good kissing usually involves something where the other person can somehow kiss back, and isn't trapped. Anytime where the other person can't get out of the kiss (mostly at the beginning this is important) a terrible kiss could be waiting.

    And the touching of lips seems quite important, from what I'm thinking of now anyway. Any situations where this isn't the case?

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  19. The WORST is when a guy puts his whole mouth around yours. Gentlemen, I am a woman. In general I have body parts that are built on a smaller scale than yours. Including lips. So for instance, if your mouth is slightly open and my mouth is slightly open, your mouth is highly likely to be noticeably more open than mine. So if you press your slightly open mouth against mine, your lips will actually fall on the skin around my lips, not my actual lips. And it's disgusting because then my lips are just sitting there inside your mouth with nothing to kiss (and no way to avoid your most likely equally as clueless tongue or your gnashing teeth). To make it worse, my face usually ends up wet. Please think logically, at the very least biologically, and close your mouth.

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  20. i am a horrible kisser.

    not as much a kisser as i am a licker.

    hmm, was that tmi?

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  21. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG I think my coworkers think I lost my mind. You are too funny!! UGh I totally know how that is. The worst though is when after the kiss you need a roll of paper towels to dry off your face. UGH. THe slobberiness all over your lips and ugh. sorry. I have no desire to relive that trauma!!! But thanks for making my mornings full of laughter!!

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  22. I can't, at this moment, remember any kissing stories as bad as that. But I CAN remember being on several dates in which He (the date) and I (the victim) were, as you so elegantly put it, clearly on DIFFERENT DATES. HE was on a date in which I was making suggestive motions with my straw and peppering my conservation with innuendoes, whereas I was on a date in which I sat as far back from the guy as possible, occasionaly squishing myself into the booth corner just to put more space between us as he said, (really), "Yeah, I like to SPOUT off every once and awhile."

    Ew, ew, ew.

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  23. I was dating someone for a loooong time and he was a pretty good kisser - if not a little quick. Like peck peck peck. But pretty good. But you know after you've been dating someone for a long time and then you start kissing like them? Anyhow on my first date after our breakup, I was pretty into this guy and decided that I was going to get some kissing to decide if the chemistry was really there.

    When our lips met, it was as if everything was in sloooooooooooow motion. So slow, that I started getting bored during the kiss. I wanted to end it, but he was moving sooooo slowly that it was totally throwing me off! I'm sure he thought my kissing was much too quick.

    At least there was no hip thrusting or slobber though. ICK!

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  24. I laughed so hard at your Timid Lizard story. I once kissed (was trapped by) a Tongue-Sucker. The guy grabbed a hold of my tongue with his mouth and sucked so hard that I think part of my tongue detatched from my mouth because I tasted blood. And if I tasted it, I'm sure he did and yet he kept on sucking. WHY???

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  25. We also need to take a moment to recognize a guy I call "casanova". The guy who thinks he is the world's greatest lover. I was lucky enough to go out with him. Please don't be jealous. We had a so-so date. Apparently, he was on this date in a parallel universe where everything I did was the opposite. On my date, I was feigning boredom. In the parallel universe, I was hanging on his every word. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and I was in the middle of a sentence when he grabbed me, leaned me way back (like in the old black and white movies) and shoved his tongue in my mouth. I was off balance and my arms were flailing like a newborn baby! The rest is kind of fuzzy. My therapist says that I'm repressing it.

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  26. yeah the worst is when you throw them the pity kiss, you know, the-i-won't-ever-see-you-again-so-why-hurt-your-feelings-now-when-i-can-just-never-return-your-calls....and you try to close off the kiss repeatedly, but there is an annoying tongue in the way every time that won't leave, then you finally manage to break away and you're treated to the sight of their eyes closed, tongue out face...... yuck!

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  27. i've experienced the lizard kiss, the peckpeckpeck (shall we call it the chicken kiss?) kiss, slobbery kisses, mismatched timing kisses, tongue suckers, lip biters, etc. i think the worse that i can remember was a guy who was a slobbery kisser and left the smell of the pizza he had just eaten all over my face. the actual kiss was bad enough, leaving me drenched in eu de stinky cheese and pepperoni was adding insult to injury.

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  28. That was incredibly gross. I've had kisses like that, but never attempted to describe them. Thanks for making relive all the worst kisses of my life all at once.

    In fairness though, you did warn us. I just really didn't think it could be that bad. You're...um...good?

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  29. Oh dear god...I think I dated his evil twin, Schnauzer Boy. As in it was like a schnauzer dog trying to lick peanut butter off the roof of my mouth. Ew! Ew! Ew!

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  30. I sympathize with you completey and just recent found another type of kisser to add to the list. The Lapper, the guy who laps at your mouth like you were a bowl of water.

    Yep, makes my skin crawl each time I think about it.

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  31. This is a lame.

    You all suck.

    Why would you kiss someone you don't want to kiss?

    And then, why would you continue kissing them after you realize they suck at kissing?

    And MOST IMPORTANT, after you had said sucky kiss, did you bother to help the person out and tell them that you don't enjoy that type of kissing.

    Kissing is a learned art and its different for different people. I've had girlfriends that like more tongue, I've had girlfriends that don't like any tongue. Two women = TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT TASTE IN KISSES.

    The whole "Earth Shattering Kiss" concept really means "I think he was hot and I want him to like me, and luckily, he kisses like I have learned to like kissing.

    Come on people. Don't be shy. 6 billion people on the planet, learn to communicate. Be honest ("Uh, I'm not really interested in kissing you." or "Um, that kind of kissing/hip movement isn't really my thing" etc etc).

    None of these stories made me laugh. I think its sad that their are so many people that don't communicate what their feelings or interests are.

    Faith you're wrong. You're blog is just as good as this one.

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  32. ah, yes dear poster. communication IS key, even though sometimes -- usually due to contextual distortions of propriety -- we become a bit unsure as to how to best do so.

    not all of us have the ability to just come right out and communicate, "this is lame" or "you all suck."

    we should endeavor to take our cues from you.

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  33. Holy tamale that was so profoundly and unconscionably vile. And yet so familiar.... Fuck it, I'm going back to making out with my pillow. Forever and ever and ever.

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  34. the back of the hand works pretty well, too.

    ;)

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  35. Kissing. Woody Allen said it's the most fun you can have with your clothes on. Oh wait - no, that was laughing.
    One thing I know about kissing is, the lips secrete a hormone. The receptors for that hormone are located on the lips, except we can't 'recept' our own secretions. The other wonderful thing about that hormone is, it's severely missed once it's gone - because the more we get that lip hormone on our lip receptors, the more we want it. In other words, it's slightly addictive. It's the whole reason why we kiss, and seek kissing. It also contributes to missing someone we love, who's hormone is no longer available for our hungry receptors.
    SO - When you kiss, make sure you get that hormone in the right place. Slide your lips gently, delicately against hers, or his, allowing all the gooey rich goodness of your addictive lip balm to sink into those receptors so eagerly waiting for their fix like so many junkies coughing, on a cold Tenderloin morning.
    Guys, there's a few things that might make the experience better for your date (presented as a public service message):
    1. PAY ATTENTION to her. If she jerks back from you as you attempt to land one, consider it a sign she's not ready. Be a gentleman and apologize.
    2. If she doesn't jerk away, PAY ATTENTION anyway. If she doesn't open her mouth, don't try getting your tongue in there no matter what. A closed mouth means she's not ready.
    3. When and if she does open her mouth, it doesn't mean it's a sign to fill her esophagus with your tongue. Tease her. Find the tip of her tongue and coax it out of hiding with some gentle caressing.
    4. PAY ATTENTION. I keep mentioning this because you need to continue paying attention to her until she is at least a hundred yards away, and has said 'goodnight'.
    If you don't pay attention, you'll miss some valuable and helpful clues as to what she likes and when. This actually continues long past the kissing stage and into the bedroom.
    5. When kissing a woman, don't loiter in one place too long. Kiss her on the cheek, kiss her on the nose, her eyes, her chin, her neck, her ears; break up the routine so she doesn't get bored. Variation is the key.
    6. Did I mention PAYING ATTENTION? If you don't, you might miss the fact that your hands on her ass have provoked a wide-eyed stare and some tight lips - that means you're not welcome there. If you don't react and adjust in a split second, the kissing is over.
    7. Let the advancement of your tongue follow her state of arousal. When she is just beside herself and fully into it (you'll know because she's touching you in places you didn't think she knew about) THEN and only then, slide the very tip of your tongue along her lower front gum line, below her teeth. It will shock the hell out of her and if you do it too soon she'll run for the hills. If you do it at the right moment, she'll likely invite you in. For breakfast.
    8. Never ever ever have bad breath. Deal-breaker. Mood killer. Call it what you will, it's a signal you're not clean. Girls like clean.
    9. PAY ATTENTION! Sheesh, how many times do I have to tell you?!

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  36. okay so how do you correct a bad kisser? i read this the morning after i met an amazing guy that is by far the sweetest guy i've ever ever met, but also possibly the worst kisser i've ever encountered! i'd rather not throw this one back to sea...so what's a girl to do?
    i can correct a man in bed better than at kissing.

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  37. You said you'd never tell!

    You said you'd never tell!

    *sobs*

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  38. along her lower front gum line, below her teeth?!?!?!

    Men, please disregard advice tidbit #7 from anonymous. Just reading that makes me cringe. Ew.

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  39. LOL I wondered if anyone would challenge #7. I've used it to great effect on occasion, but it's not for everyone. Use it at your own peril, men.
    The thinking behind it is that that area along the gums is very sensitive. I discovered it during a makeout session many years ago, with a woman friend who was into trying new things and experimenting. Like I said - some have gotten a huge thrill from it, others have not.
    Anyway I also meant to comment on the original blog post here - great stuff. Fun and hilarious.
    I was tossed a link from a friend of the poster, as we've been talking about many of these subjects lately.

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  40. I wish I hadn't just eaten breakfast before I read this!

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  41. El G,

    you should've plied me with the Maker's sooner. too late now! (muahahahahaha).

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  42. i can't understand why you kept letting him kiss you though. it just doesn't make sense to me.

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  43. *Loved* your Timid Lizard kissing story!!! My all-time worsts were (1) the blind date who was otherwise OK but had stunningly bad breath and (2) the guy who clearly had a sinus drainage problem because when he was about to kiss me, he opened his mouth wide and came in for the kill ... which was funny enough ... but he also had little slimy saliva strings from the roof of his mouth to his tongue. He won the rare Triple-EW! award.

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  44. ...i can't understand why you kept letting him kiss you though.

    Because sometimes there's just no way out of it without being totally rude and mean and screaming, "OMG, your making me sick!! Get off of me and don't ever do that again!!"

    I just started seeing someone a month ago. Met him in a bar when I was pretty toasted. Apparently he kissed me that night (not that I even remember), and I told him straight out that he was kissing me too hard. He laughed about it as he told me the story on our first date. A month later, he seems to have forgotten, because I left there the other night with swollen lips (and not in the good way!) And he has a moustache that is like a brillo pad up my nose. EEEEWWWWW. I think I'm done seeing him now.

    The best kiss? A goofy, big teddy bear kid that was a couple years behind me in high school. He loved me, I got a kick out of his goofiness. After I graduated and probably wouldn't ever see him again, he begged me to let him "kiss me goodbye". I reluctantly agreed, and bam, there was the best kiss I'd ever have in my life, so tender, passionate without expectations, loving. I was 18. Now I'm 38 and single and still searching for someone who can make me feel that way again.

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  45. gypsysoul said... Now I'm 38 and single and still searching for someone who can make me feel that way again.

    Does Goofy Big Teddy Bear Kid have a telephone? :-)

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  46. From a guy who loves kissing I have to throw in my two cents here. Actually, it's more than two cents because if you kiss a woman properly the value of this advice will be priceless.

    The best way to kiss a woman is the way she wants to be kissed. I know, sounds cryptic doesn't it? Each woman has her own preference and you have to follow the subtle signs. The kiss should always be gentle yet firm, loving yet passionate, wanton but not needy.

    Lips on lips to start. Apply a little pressure but not enough to mash her lips against her teeth. The first kiss should only last a few seconds. With the second kiss (assuming you get one) you should wait to see if she parts her lips. If she does, part yours but keep lips on lips. No biting, no lizard, no forceful snake, just lips on lips.

    If she offers her tongue, reciprocate. Don't try to push her tongue back down her throat. Gently dance with her tongue and let her direct the pressure.

    Never, ever drag your tongue along the gums....that's just bad. And sounds effects? Drop'em, it ain't a porno.

    All that being said, I like to place my hand on the side of her face. Thumb along the jaw-line, index finger behind the ear with the rest cascading down her neck.

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  47. I am going to have to stop reading your blog here in a public computer room. The danger that I may laugh out loud and cause a scene is just too high!
    HA HA HA!
    Great Blog!

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  48. HIL-arious! Not only was this post golden, but all the comments about the bad kissers of our lives cracked me up too! :) This made my day.

    My worst kisses have come in the past two years that I have been single (and in my mid-30's). The worst of which I described as Donald Trumps snake-like venomous hand thrust when he says "YOU'RE FIRED!" ....

    The Donald's hand represents the guy's tongue. "You're fired!" represents the thoughts going thru my head at the time! UGHGH!!.....

    I'm shuddering all over again!

    The only good news is that I think I've finally found someone who gives those earth-shattering yummy kisses! Wow! Finally, someone I'm in sync with .... gotta kiss a lot of frogs, as they say! :)

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  49. My coworkers think I'm crazy, sitting in my office, crying. Yes, Crying. I am laughing so hard at this post and the comments. Thanks for making my day.

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  50. and I'm a friend of kyahgirl who sent me this link. OMG. You've captured every woman's (nearly) worst experience. good work. xoxo

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  51. I don't envy you.

    That is truely disgusting.

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  52. I don't envy you.

    That is truely disgusting.

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  53. Awesome post! I LOVE kissing. I married the man who I considered the best kisser (out of sampling all the lips in my tri-city area). :-) I was (and sometimes still am) known as "Katie the kisser".

    In my time, I've had some kisses that sent me to satori for hours and some that, like the timid lizard, were so bad I can't believe I didn't stop them sooner.

    OK: Guys who *drool* on you while you're making out. What the hell????? This has happened to me more than once. What is wrong with someone that they would not notice they are drooling? And one of these guys also did the MmmmmmmmMMmmmmm sound too! EEEEEWWW! Why God, why?

    And as for the timid lizard, how about the timid chicken? I met this really good looking, tall, nice, intellectual classical pianist. He was GREAT. He had lived in several European countries. He spoke several languages. He as self-effacing and funny. He dressed well. I liked him- A lot.

    At the end of our date he tried to kiss me. I had been looking forward to this moment so I closed my eyes. He put a hand on each shoulder and then "pecked" me on the lips. Then he pulled back, and did it again. I opened my eyes. He was holding me away from his body, one hand on each shoulder, and looking at me very seriously. Then he pecked me again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Over and over I felt as though I were being pecked by a chicken. How totally utterly weird. I started laughing! I couldn't help it. I liked the guy so much, I went out with him a few more times just in case. But no way, even I, slut that I was, had no intention of sleeping with the timid chicken. LOL.

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  54. Funny stuff! Not everyone's a great kisser, and I've met some really bad kissers in the past. One girl didn't know that she was supposed to be gentle and relaxed. My poor tongue and lips were bruised!

    Anyway, just like with anything else involving two human beings, the key is communication, and in this case, mutual attraction. I am sure if "noodle arms" was that hot-looking firefighter from Curves with massive muscular arms, lats, and traps, you'd have been WAAAY more forgiving, heck, YOU might have been the one doing the grinding and moaning!

    C'mon, admit it. There's a double-standard and we all know this :)

    That's just my 2 cents. This posting was funny as heck! I need to learn to write well about things other than video games and sci-fi movies.

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  55. Although none of them will readily admit it each girl dreams of that first kiss, how long they've waited, how tediously the time in class has passed as they fretted over when it would be and then the perfect occasion arises..the school social.
    Hours are spent deliberating over makeup and clothes, fights spring forth over who gets to borrow the sparkly blue skirt which barely passes 6 inches and yet is so sophisticated and yes, tears are shed with the overwhelming anticipation.
    The evening passes and none of the loutish brutes appear to notice her, she trembles with the fear of rejection.
    The end of the meat market evening is nigh and in sheer desperation she lets all standards slip, a belligerant oaf appears before her and graps at her behind squeezing and pulling at it, pinching and scrabbling..to all appearances in an attempt to wrench it off to carry it home as a trophy.
    and then the moment we all have been waiting for.. the untimely lunge and the feeling of horror and dismay as teeth surround her delicate, innocent lips; a thick pointy tongue slides greasily between the teeth forcing them apart; the pungent stench of cheap beer fills her nostrils as he thrusts his fleshy protrusion down her neck occasionally licking the back of her jaw where the gums meet.
    she attempts to squish this vile creature between her teeth to ward it off..but to no avail: its quick darting movements shy away from any attacks. Finally it retreats but to the poor girls horror the retrieval innitiates an area of lower pressure and the vacuum sucks her offended tongue out through a barrier of teeth. The pain is unbearable.
    Summoning all her efforts she manages to pull away from this black hole and flee.
    My dear people it has been 3 years since I was victim to this offense, tell me that one day i shall sleep easy in my bed again..
    my deepest sympathies to all who have had similar experiences; is there a support group I can join somewhere to help me deal with this trauma?

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  56. I suppose we are born to do certain things and it is not gender specific. I have dated my share of rude, selfish, ego-centric women. And believe it or not, some were lousy kissers as well. It is definitely an art-form...a never-ending search for the Perfect Moment. (Like riding that perfect wave). I have had my share. It comes from enthuisam,
    (good hygiene is a given).

    I once made-out with this knock-out news correspondent who was also a very good kisser. Trouble was, when she invited me back to her place, (great as it was), she HAD to pop a demo tape of her doing "stand-up" news at murder and accident scenes WHILE we made-out! I couldn't possibly make this up! It was surreal. I occasionally caught a glimpse of this beauty before me, with her news persona on the big screen behind us. Talk about being in love with yourself. We did have a second date so I must have been a good enough kisser, but I could neither afford or stomach her any longer.

    Btw, I have ALWAYS been described as an awesome kisser.
    It comes from within...sensitivity and measuring your touches and
    (tongue) with hers. Let her lead ever so slightly...linger..light, delicate touches. Trace the outside of her mouth, barely. Look into her eyes, tell her she's beautiful, stroke her hair, tease her. Breath against her neck, let her melt into you. Pronlong the anticipation, etc. etc. Unfortunately, we have all read this very thing before, but for some reason, a lot of guys, evidently, don't get it. There is also something to be said for a super-clean shaven face and sparkling fresh mouth. Get (slightly) into your feminine side and she will be dying for more.
    Peter, CT

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  57. (Mmm, Peter from Conneticut, you certainly have a way with words. And lips.)

    Ack! THE HORROR! I am absolutely shocked and I think you should have made more of an effort to warn me. Don't even TRY to make excuses.

    On the other hand, I feel deeply mortified on your behalf. Men are clueless and we must teach them. Sadly, Lizard Lips is too far gone for our humanitarian efforts to help him in any way.

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  58. found your blog last week on accident (i love when that happens) and decided i would start from the beginning.

    This story is hilarious. Your writing is excellent and makes me feel like i am the one doing the kissing (GROSS)...

    i just got the chills.

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  59. Oh no!

    So you mean I've been doing it WRONG all my life??






    (heeheeheeheehee!)

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  60. Ick!! I had a guy open his mouth, (this is hard to explain), put his mouth on mine, stick his tongue kind of out, and then freeze. His tongue was hard as a rock, frozen, and his face was smashed up against mine. I was thinking, "Oh GOD help me."

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  61. Just found your blog...love it, hilarious.

    My best and worst kisses were with the same guy. See, he was a phenomenal kisser. We were both the kinds of kissers who pay attention to the way the other person kisses and then respond accordingly, which we rapidly figured out the first time we made out (a make-out session which lasted - just kissing, no further, we were on a camping trip with friends - six hours). I adored kissing this guy.

    However, one of the great, cute and adorable things about our relationship, which lasted several years, was that we would play little tricks on each other. We developed this game where, for laughs, we would surprise the other person by suddenly, unexpectedly, kissing badly. We came up with the worst kisses we could think of, which would make the other person furious and brainstorming for something even worse.

    My worst one was suddenly puckering my lips really small and tight and dry. Landing full, soft lips on that was like kissing a withered freakish prune (I know - we would turn these kisses back on each other as revenge). His bad kiss, though, was the worst of all. We dubbed it the "dead kiss." He would open his mouth but keep his lips completely limp and just rub his limp open mouth against my lips. It gave me shudders all down my spine. The dead kiss was ultimately so bad that we quietly phased out the game, because we hated getting it so much. It makes me smile to remember those days - good kisses and bad.

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  62. lol. you are truly a very good writer. i read your article because i typed in my own first name (Kristy) and i read this and it was WAY too good. seriously. i hope you're doing something with this...

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  63. Great story! I think we have dated the same guy.

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  64. That is both the grossest and funniest kiss story I've ever read.

    I'll have to stick around & read more of your stories :)

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  65. I think i just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

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  66. oh darling k-
    how did i miss this story before?
    i wish i could post about the worst kissing/worst sex ever, but the teenagers i work with read my blog on occaision. and i don't need them to know about it.
    no need to scare them off...
    but oh, i think we have found twins. because my worst kiss/sex could easily have been the same man.
    oh. dear. God.

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  67. im gagging....


    i got bitten.

    hard.

    on the lip.


    nope, didnt hang around for any more.

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  68. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  69. OMG! TOO FUNNY! I dated this same guy! Like many victims, I had blotted the whole horrible experience out of my memory. Now I am experiencing post-traumatic stress syndrome.

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  70. Yikes, I think I dated the same guy too!!! I remember trying to decide what to do when I realized he was comin' at me with his tongue stickin' out!!

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  71. I'll see your Lizard Lips, and raise you a Dead Fish.

    I once had the misfortune to hook up with a guy who turned out to be the worst. Kisser. Ever.

    He smushed his lips up against mine and then proceeded to stick his tongue in my mouth. That's it. No movement whatsoever. It was like playing tonsil hockey with a dead fish. *Sideshow Bob shudder*

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  72. Oh my God! This is the funniest thing I've read in a looong time.

    The way you described it...oh, I could just visualize it and eww, so gross. I visualized some kind of skinny, pimple-y, nerdy guy, like the kid that has a crush on Meg from Family Guy.

    Oh and the best, at the end he says that you are a great kisser!
    Freaking lizard guy.

    Too funny.

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