Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Revenge Of The Crazy

you know, there is a reason women were born with The Crazy.

sure, sometimes it's hard to figure out and makes us just seem like lunatics. because The Crazy does tend to rear its head a little too often (like on fridays), and makes us do things like check our personal email inbox at work roughly 1,289 times in any given day and carry our cell phones with us AT ALL TIMES and engage in frantic IM sessions a la "WHY HASN'T HE CALLED."

but sometimes, kids, The Crazy is our best friend.

i'm going to tell you a story now that i just heard, from one of my most adorable friends who -- i gotta say -- did The Crazy proud.

so my friend we'll call Melody was introduced to this Dude. and this Dude was new in town, and didn't know many people. and since he was apparently really hot and smart and interesting, Melody thought she'd like to get to know him.

i should note here that Melody is objectively beautiful, sweet, smart, and really interesting.

so for a month (a month) she spent time with Dude. they chatted, they visited cafes, and just generally saw the city. for all intents and purposes* they were dating. Dude knew this. Melody knew this. Melody's friends knew this.

and here is where i note that while they did do some hooking up, Melody did not actually sleep with Dude because she was workin' the getting-to-know-you phase.

so! one beautiful weekend, Melody and Dude were at a party together. Melody was playing it cool -- giving Dude space to mingle. being all very uncrazy. but when all of a sudden Melody's friend-who-is-driving-her-and-Dude-home announces that they have to leave that very second, Melody wondered why. and then when the three of them were in the car and no one was speaking, Melody sensed The Crazy a-comin'.

and so when Melody was dropped off first and Dude didn't go with her and the friend sped off into the night, Melody's craz-o-meter hit the danger zone. but, in her defense, she did her best to fend off The Crazy. she got out of the car and walked into her home and into her room. and she took off her heels.


::Cue The Crazy::

suddenly, fueled by alcohol (and a keen sense of "hmmm"), instead of putting herself to sleep, my good, sweet, charming, thoughtful, sensible friend Melody threw on her sneakers, raced into a cab and, at nearly 3 in the morning, hauled ass clear across town to get to Dude's house.

yes, she did.

and so what do you think she found when she arrived there?

i'll tell you. because it wasn't Dude sound asleep in his bed, all by himself.

she found her friend's car in his driveway. she found the front light still on. she found the FRONT DOOR STILL OPEN. and so she got out of the cab. and stood on the front step. and heard, without a doubt, her friend and Dude playing a different version of "getting to know you."

and so she paced. and thought. and was shocked.

and then had to pee.

(it was, after all, 3 a.m. and she'd been drinking and didn't stop long enough while she was at home to go.)

and so she did what anyone woman in her right mind would in such a situation. she peed on Dude's landlord's doorstep.

and then she returned to the open door, and heard conversation, and heard her name. and finally marched inside.

the two naked people were rather startled to see her. (as you might imagine.) and they weren't really in any position (ha) to make excuses for themselves.

so Melody, with all the power of vindicated Crazy, simply said: "fuck you, and fuck you. you two deserve each other."

and she left.


so all i'm saying is, sometimes The Crazy might lead to compulsive early-morning cab rides, but sometimes it's well worth it.

and completely necessary.



*'cuz i know you like that phrase, imaginary internet friends. that's just a little shout-out. ;)

27 comments:

  1. That is the best effing story I've read in weeks if not months. Please, give dear Melody a high five for all of us out here who a) don't have the guts to pee on the landlord's doorstep and b)DEFINITELY don't have the balls to walk in on their would-be-kind-of-almost boyfriend screwing someone else. Open door or not.

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  2. as Eddie Murphy was wont to say: "It's a dick thing" Lower your expectations, you don't get disappointed.

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  3. In response to "what goes around" I will NOT lower my expectations and neither should anyone else - if men behaved with one shred of decency, we women would not get "the CRAZY"

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  4. Love The Crazy, Embrace The Crazy. She's part of us, accept it. Personally, I love The Crazy. I never make excuses for The Crazy, and I always follow The Crazy's instincts. She never leads me astray (except once, and it was due to a really bad bout of insecurity - The Crazy, and Ms. Insecure don't mix very well).

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  5. AHHH that is fantastic! Go Melody and bring on the CRAZY! I almost wouldn't call it Crazy. I would call it: smart girl who with a bit of alcohol and a cab followed her instincts that the Dude and the friend (?-uhhhh, how?) were absolutely not worth her time and it should be taken care of immediately. Way to go.

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  6. Kristy-

    Thanks for the shout out!

    Apparently, not only are you an amazing person, but so are your friends. Awesome!

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  7. Just speaking of The Crazy, the Crazy in me knew what IT would do when faced with your dilemma of finding CutieCute on the Muni.
    Before I could filter this, my the Crazy part of the brain took over and thought: "well, if she knows what stop he gets on, and knows about the time she saw him, she could just GET OFF at his stop really early that morning, STALK the stop at a nearby cafe/newspaper stand, whatever, until she saw him, and then get on at the SAME TIME! Then she would know!"
    Everyone has a little bit of Crazy! =)

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  8. Embrace The Crazy, it's a gift.

    GREAT story!

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  9. I say go with the crazy. It's always funny later. And makes you realize why the "dude" was wrong for you. When I was dating a (truly) crazy painter, he made me so, so mad on the phone one night, that after a few martinis, I decided to drive across town and "give him a piece of my mind." In my pajamas. I headed to my car, stomped, really. And my nice, older neighbor Karen saw me and said, "Where are you going, dear?" I told her. And she paused for a minute and said, "what are you wearing?" "Gawd, my pajamas, who cares!" I said, and put the top down on my car. She (obviously getting the martini whiff) got a bottle of water and passed it to me and tried to smile as I roared off. Arriving at the crazy painter's, I let myself in the unlocked door and he just stared at me. "What are you wearing?." Moral of the story: if you go tearing off in your pajamas, wear the sexy ones. Not the ones your mom got you because she saw them on Oprah.

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  10. OH NO THEY DI'INT!!!!!! Fired!!!!!

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  11. Ah, yes The Crazy... excellent story!

    I so wish I'd had the guts to do something like that on several occasions! I definitely don't regret the few times that I did. The Crazy is a necessary female characteristic... a big part of self-preservation, if you will. But, why is it (for me a least) usually alcohol induced? Do we filter The Crazy at other times? worrying we'll look, for lack of better words, too crazy?

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  12. GO GIRL!!! I know I would have done the same thing!! I hope she felt impowered after that!!!

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  13. badvicgoodintensions2:37 PM, May 12, 2005

    That is the most controlled episode of The Crazy I have ever heard of.
    Sidebar: I'm officially counting myself an an Imaginary Internet Friend, my roommate just got me hooked on your blog and I'm horrified by the similarities between your daily adventures and ours.

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  14. um, and badvicgoodintensions, by "horrified" you mean "delighted"?

    :)

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  15. I think the Crazy is almost always right. Okay, maybe her methods are flawed, but her instincts are dead on. But I have to admit, sometimes I wish that instead of actually acting like a raving lunatic, I could quietly have to the Crazy's message and then just look at the guy and say, "Dude, you're soooo not worth this angst - I'm moving on to greener pastures now." Because it would make for a way classier exit than for instance, getting caught egging his stupid penis-substitute sports car. Not that I would know anything about that, of course.

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  16. Does "The Crazy" ever lead to "The Psycho"?

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  17. Great story! Being the most passive person I know, and usually unwilling to offend people, I am in awe of The Crazy and people with the gall to use it. If there were more of The Crazy in my life I would probably have much better stories to tell.

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  18. Why is that crazy? I probably would have done that sober. Why kind of friend does that to someone? Honestly!

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  19. God...I have the crazy! I didn't realize there was a name for it! I guess if you can't beat it embrace it.

    Tell your friend she kicks ass! And so do you K!!

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  20. Wow! I would have done EXACTLY the same thing your friend did. Viva la Crazy!!

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  21. Good god, woman! Your blog is fabulous. I have added it to my favourites. Back soon...

    Sarah

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  22. awwww

    you tell it much better than i do!

    the thing about The Crazy is that it's not a choice. it just happens. at no point did i question what i was doing.

    love you and thank you

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  23. My heart was racing for Melody as I read this story. And while I was pretty sure what the outcome would be, I was HOPING Dude would pull through in the end.

    I guess when she heard her name, it wasn't because during this passionate sex-fest, he called her name wishing it was her, huh? Doesn't matter anyway--but can sure make her feel a little vidicated!

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  24. good for her. i know that there are times i've gotten the Crazy, and tried to ignore it and it's only gotten stronger.
    yay for melody! and yay for every woman who trusts the Crazy.
    woo hoo

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  25. The Crazy- our best friend *and* worst enemy. Your friend kicks ass! but i am sure she is sad too, please give her my regards.

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  26. OMG...this is just priceless! I just found out the guy I have been seeing for the last couple of months is seeing some other woman. You don't know how bad I want to pee on HIS doorstep!! Thank you for giving me a fantasy for revenge!

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