Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Ego Trip-Up

tra la la, 'round i go on the workout circuit. look at me, i'm here already for the second time this week. i am a workout maven. who cares that i missed 2.5 weeks of gym going because drinking plans got in the way? now that i have worked out twice i must clearly be pounds thinner!

in fact, i have been eating pretty well, i think i'll just hop on that scale there. it's been ages since i weighed in, and i can handle it. certainly i've no reason not to. i'm bound to be pleasantly surprised.
uh huh. hi, reality? fucking endorphins.

so right. i got on a scale. an lo and behold it did not tell me i'd magically lost dozens of pounds. in fact, i've hardly lost any since the last time i checked, and that was weeks ago.

and so all of a sudden, in rather dramatic fashion, the Bad Thoughts started in. the ones about how faaaaaaaaaar i still have to go. about how looooooooong it will take to get there. about how little progress i've made so far.

and when this happens, i get very discouraged. not in the "i should just give up" kind of way -- i don't tend to think like that. i get discouraged in the, "what was i doing being so confident?" kind of way. and i feel like i should just walk around in sloppy baggy clothes and big coats and wear no makeup and not talk to any boys for the next few months until i become more human-sized because right now i am just too scary and horrible.

not so rational, i know, but this is what happens when endorphins run away and the Bad Thoughts enter.

anyway, i left the gym feeling miserable and headed home in the drizzle, eager to hide out in my apartment away from the world.

and as i walked, feeling so unattractive and sad, i passed a homeless man. he was crouched low against a building under an awning trying to stay dry, and when i glanced down at him he looked me squarely in the eye and said:
"you need to put a smile on that face. things will get better. you'll see."

and that was that. i snapped right out of it. i just needed a nice big Reality Slap to remind me i should be more than grateful to have my life, such as it is...well, such as it is.

Bad Thoughts be damned.

22 comments:

  1. That's right, bad thoughts have no business in the lives of fabulous women! Push them away, and keep doing what you can food & exercise wise. Any small change is better than the nothing that you could have been doing otherwise!

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  2. Hi Kristy,
    I would just like to point out that despite not going to the gym AND partying instead, you didn't GAIN any weight! tra la la

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  3. Isn't it nutty how things like that happen to snap you out of your funk? I swear it's like it was planned or something. Good for you!! No need to be sad. You're FABULOUS!!! I don't even know you and I know that! Choose to be happy! Have an absolutely amazing day! :)

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  4. I once had a homeless man pantomime a smile with his fingers as I walked by him in the park. Really made me stop and think. Whoa, this man who sleeps outdoors in the cold is telling ME to cheer up? Things get better.

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  5. I love when those 'juicy' things happen. A person who probably has less to be happy about than you is telling you that things will get better. You can't beat that kind of reality check.

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  6. Weight Loss Perspective: A friend & I were doing weight watchers together a few years ago, and one week she was all bummed out because she only lost 1 pound that week. I defrosted some chicken and weighed up one pound of it on my handy dandy food scale, and you know what? If you see what a pound of flesh looks like, keeping in mind that by weight, fat actually has more mass than muscle tissue, and then imagine that being removed from your belly, it's really quite impressive! So there. Don't get discouraged. End of pep talk.
    ;P

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  7. Yeah, homeless people are psychic too so you can be sure of what he says!

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  8. Don't "should" all over yourself Kristy! In other words, if you like at from the perspective of where you "should" be ("I have so far to go, etc...") then you're bound to get discouraged/frustrated/aggrevated and give up. But if you look at it from the perspective of how far you've come, then it tends to be a motivator. This is accurate in every aspect of life, by the way... Just a little lesson for today! Keep up the working out! Much love, CJ

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  9. anonymous is entirely correct! You went out drinking for 2.5 weeks instead of gymming, and you DIDN'T GAIN WEIGHT!

    That's damn impressive, because I sure would have. I once went away to a college reunion weekend--a WEEKEND, mind you, two days--and returned SIX POUNDS HEAVIER.

    Yes, that's right. So you are to be congratulated.

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  10. I thought endorphines give a body a sense of well-being?

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  11. Kristy - wow, ok, I'm a softie...and the homeless guy brought tears to my eyes.

    I just started working out (tonight is the 2nd appt w/ the trainer). Tuesday, I'm on the treadmill facing the window on the BUSY street. 8:45pm, I'm on display to the world and feeling sorry for my fat self (bad bad thoughts). A couple walked by and the woman looks up, smiles a huge ol' smile and gives me the thumbs up. I laughed so hard I nearly fell off the treadmill...and felt really thankful.

    Ok, so I'm a major softie.

    Love the blog -

    Lorrian
    who just walks around with it, too - but not nearly as well as you! :-)

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  12. You know, the same thing happened to me yesterday- I had been waiting for a bus for about an hour and was feeling completely frustrated and powerless, Bad Thoughts, Bad Thoughts, and then this homeless man sat next to me and smiled and then he picked up some leaves that were on the curb and rolled a joint and smoked it. Ok, so it wasn't exactly the same thing.

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  13. Ericha2@comcast.net1:06 PM, May 19, 2005

    K-

    Like aarwenn said, good on ya for not GAINING!

    I re-joined weight watchers for like the gazillionth time 5 weeks ago and it's been really hard. I lost 7 lbs in 3 weeks and then the meeting leader forgot to mention me at the end. Of course it was silly of me but I was really disappointed and when I left the meeting I sat in the car and cried 'cause I go to the meetings for the support. Then the next week I went back and had gained 1/2 a pound. GAH! I did NOT want to go back again. I was so disappointed in myself. So this week I went before work on Monday morning, paid my $10.95, took a deep breath and stepped on the scale. To my great surprise I had lost 4.5 lbs! I am not asking for or expecting praise, just offering some support. Things get brighter when you least expect it. I think it's great that you're exercising...I haven't found the time for that yet. I'm hoping to start in June when I get back from Hawaii.

    So keep the chin up and remember, "Self-growth is tender; it's holy ground. There's no greater investment."

    And lorrian *thumbs up*, I walk around with it too...there's just 11lbs less today than there was 5 weeks ago.

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  14. The Bad Feelings and I have an on-again/off-again relationship as well. It's an all-too-familiar thought process for me. I hear you sister...just move through it. The wine helps. It's actually the only thing that does.

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  15. endorphins gave me a sense of such well-being that i got on the scale.

    that was the problem...

    :)

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  16. Agreed with the others--if I don't gain after 2 and a half weeks of "transgressions", I consider it a good 2 and a half weeks--all the way around!

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  17. You worded the Bad Thoughts really well. I don't tell myself to give up either; but I do tell myself things like "No wonder he's not paying any attention to me- I'm a fat cow and ugly too" or "And I thought I looked nice in this outfit- who was I kidding?" I never realized it before, and there is a difference. Thanks for putting it on paper.

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  18. k-
    trust me, things always do get better. we should all be thankful for the things we do have.

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  19. I've probably told you my theory on this sort of thing: it's God (or the Universe, or whatever you prefer) sending you a message.

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  20. So don't get on the scale, and keep exercising! :)

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  21. I feel your pain. Things like that homeless man on the sidewalk are there for a reason. To keep us in check. I have a skin disease called Psoriasis that hasn't been too kind over the years and now it's on my face and living in New York City I tend to hate myself 3/4ths of every day. Reading your daily postings help me, too, in putting a bit of humor in my daily happenings. Keep up the good work (although it feels like it's not enough) and keep up with the positive attitude.

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