Saturday, May 14, 2005

I Should Probably Tell You Something

aren't we having fun telling internet dating stories? seriously, i have about a million of them.

anyway, i was going through my "archives" (hi, i save EVERYTHING) and remembered this little gem:

about four years ago, when i was freshly back on the singles' scene, clueless and terrified, i put a personal up through salon.com.

(little note: it's still there. how sad is that?)

one of the first guys who contacted me seemed pretty amazing. he was funny, had a great writing style, good job, blah blah blah, but no picture. so through our email exchange, i asked why he hadn't posted a picture and if i could have one.

his reply was something like, "i don't have my picture posted because i don't like feeling superficial, and i don't like women who reply to me for superficial reasons. but i'd be happy to send you one."

and he did:

hello, gorgeous

ding! ding! ding!

so of course i thought meeting him would be a good idea.

we agreed to speak on the phone as a first step.

and much to my delight, the phone conversation started off great. he was funny and smart and polite. and so yes, on that call, i agreed to meet him for coffee.

but then just before we were about to hang up, he said, "I Should Probably Tell You Something..."

is there a worse phrase?

..."and you probably won't want to meet me after i tell you."

oh look at that. there is.

"ooookaaay..." i said.

"that isn't actually me in the picture i sent you."

i don't remember now exactly what i said to that, but i believe it was something along the lines of, "no, it's probably better that we don't meet then. that makes me very uncomfortable."

because seriously, ick.

and that would be the end of the story, except he later sent me a picture of the "real" him asking if i would reconsider meeting him.

liar liar pants on fire

i said no.

25 comments:

  1. Wow, that' just kind of amazing, and I'm sort of speechless.

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  2. Whenever I do the internet dating thing my biggest problem. Well okay maybe just one of my problems, is what to say after a guy sends you a picture. Especially a bad one. I mean what do you say? Um I just remembered I'm married? Did I mention I have an STD? ew gross? What?

    I asked that question on a forum before and was told I was superficial and should date without regard to pictures. yeah right. Cause like men always do that.

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  3. OMG, no way!!!!!!!!! Hey, there is nothing wrong with being superficial. I would have done the exact same thing. So not only is he not the good looking guy, he's also a LIAR for pretending he is. OVER IT!!!!

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  4. Ya know, if he hadn't lied it wouldn't have been that big of a deal. He is just kinda ordinary.

    Let ME set you up with someone. Um, I haven't found them yet, but I will. I am a mom. It is instict for me to want to set you up. I promise that I will find someone good. I live right near SF so it will also be someone geographically ok.

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  5. Hahahahaha! That's too funny! Did you check out my "Internet Dating Hall of Shame"? Because the same thing happened to me...EXCEPT that I didn't get the heads up that it wasn't him in the picture until I was looking around at Starbucks for someone who wasn't there! Blech! Online bullshitters should all be exposed for their transgressions.

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  6. i always ask for the picture right away. i don't want to waste time with lots of emails (and hopes) if i'm not going to find him attractive. i'll still meet guys whose pictures are not totally appealing to me, because you never know with chemistry. but sometimes i know from the picture that i won't be into him. i just tell him he's not my type and move on. since we haven't already emailed much, it's not a big deal.

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  7. I also liked a guy i met through eharmony who had no picture posted. I loved every word that came out of his keyboard, we clicked on every level. We emailed for a couple weeks before he finally posted his picture....

    I cried.

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  8. Oh what a wonderful thing the internet is. Next time I try dating someone on the internet if they ask for a photo I think I'll send them one of
    Genghis Kahn
    . At least when I send them the real photo it will be an improvement.

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  9. Yep. This stuff happens. I met a woman once who was (and I am not kidding here) 300 pounds heavier than she said she was in chat.

    People who create a false image or persona for themselves risk more rejection than by just being honest. It goes way beyond lying. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who sabotages themselves all the time? Someone who seeks rejections as a means of reaffirming their self image?

    What I wonder, though, is whether you'd have gone out with him if you'd known what he really looks like, because he's funny and writes well.

    Yep, putting you on the spot.

    ~Kurt

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  10. hey yoda,

    i would have to say it's mostly a moot point, because i don't care how funny or well spoken you are if you're also blatantly deceitful. for any reason.

    but if you meant to ask if i'd have agreed to go out with him if that had been his original picture and there had been no lying involved...probably not. i have been on enough internet-to-life dates to know you can't fake chemistry.

    of course, it goes both ways...which is why i put myself out there as-is (mashed potato boobs and all). :)

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  11. There was a guy who was sending me e-mails with no pic. I asked to see it, and he said his company was too conservative, if they saw him, he'd be fired. Ummm...why would they even be looking for their employees online?
    Anyway, I told him I am a teacher who runs the risk of being seen by teenage students.
    He told me I was superficial and immature and he didn't want to meet me anyway.
    I let him know the feeling was more than mutual, but did end the response by asking if he would have had sent an e-mail if my pic wasn't posted? Seriously--has anyone initiated contact with someone who doesn't have a picture posted? Do you READ every profile and see if you are alike, or see if you find the person attractive, then read the profile to see if they match?
    Boys! He would not have contacted you to begin with if he didn't think you were attractive--so who is superficial here?

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  12. First I look at the photo.. Then the money requrements. If you aren't attracted physically, then it is over before it starts. It's not superficial, it's human nature. Sorry, that is how we are all built..

    And why do you women want a guy that makes 75k or over when you only make 30k yourself. Women like that drive me batty! Are you out for your match, or your meal ticket?? Hmmm.... One wonders..

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  13. Like I said...I'm a teacher...obviously money is not that important to me. :)

    I DO check that they want kids someday and that they don't smoke. If we are politically the same, that is a huge bonus--but not a requirement.

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  14. If he had sent the picture, I might have done the pity coffee thing, with the don't call me I'll call you, but a lying about it. Come on. Be yourself.

    Of course, if you're me, the guy with the semi-okay picture will turn out to be unemployed for a year and having mommy and daddy paying the bills. Ugghhh!

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  15. i don't know if you have mashed potato boobs (haahah) or not but i do love that you put it all out there. it's honest, indearing most of all.

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  16. Yeah, I agree - the problem is definitely that he lied. I mean, he's just setting himself to feel hurt. And you know in his head the fact that you didn't go out with him is because of his looks - not b/c he lied. He's an average looking guy - nothing wrong with him - if he's honest, he'll have a much better time.

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  17. Why does everyone have to sugarcoat? Bottom line is that the guy is overweight, sloppy, and clearly a liar.

    Appearances DO matter, as does income, height and style of dress.

    Seems people give more benefit of the doubt to men online as there is always that .0001% percent chance that you are viewing a bad picture, or that his gramatical errors are not reflective of his/her sheer stupidity, but actually common mistakes that everyone makes now and again. Riighhht.

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  18. So who is the first dude in the picture and where did the real dude get it? Did he copy it online? Is one of those pictures that comes with a frame? What if you meet the first guy walking down the street one day? Or better yet, on the MUNI?! Something to think about...

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  19. "about four years ago [...] i put a personal up through salon.com [...] it's still there. how sad is that?"

    That is sad. I was first on personals.salon.com about four years ago. I just got back on, and I see a lot of the same personals that I saw four years ago. Beautiful photos, intelligent writing, how come it hasn't worked out for these women? Is it just a sad cultural fact about the bay area that our expectations are so high and our fantasies so unrealistic that it's impossible to make it work?

    Charles

    (Interesting blog, thanks for linking from your profile.)

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  20. My now ex-husband signed up for tickle.com, match.com and some meet Russian women.com, 3 days after he told me he wanted out of the marriage. I found out from my friends that he had one of the most popular profiles and so posted my own profile- very generic, no photo- just to see how he was marketing himself. Like me, his next wife (engaged 2 weeks after the divorce was final to someone he knew less than 6 months) is going to open the handsome, charming package and discover what's inside doesn't match what you thought you signed up for. The funny thing is, as I was sitting there reading his profile I get an IM...it's him, not knowing that was my profile, he thought it sounded good and wanted to chat. Basically he was contacting everyone out there sight unseen until he met someone who would believe his lies!

    And then down the road he will wonder why the new wife turned into the old wife who didn't love him enough....its because she/me never knew the real him because he always lied about who he was and what he wanted...."I lied. You should love me enough to get over it."

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  21. Honestly, he's not too terribly bad looking. If he'd waited until you were hitting it off online and on the phone and then sent a picture. maybe you would have at least gone out with him? How silly people are...

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  22. If anything, I'm more likely to go out with someone who's not very attractive but has a great personality if I see his picture right from the start. First, him being open about how he looks and not making any pathetic sounding apologies for it tells me he's confident in who he is and what he has to offer, and no trying to somehow fool or guilt-trip me into dating him. It sounds like something from a cheap self-help book, but it's true that him acting right from the start like there's nothing wrong with the way he looks and nothing to hide makes me more likely to think so too. Second, I don’t get set up with the expectation that he's going to be really cute, so I don’t end up feeling let down when I find out he's not. For instance, my current boyfriend (who I met online) is pretty overweight, more so than I would have originally said was my type. But I really think one of the main reasons it was okay with me is that is our first exchange he sent me an honest picture of himself, along with a cool, funny, well-written email. He didn’t resort to that sleazy trick of telling me "I'm tall, blond, blue eyes, muscular physique" and then waiting till we'd agreed to meet or were already on our first date to own up to the truth. So I was never expecting some boy band type, and I made the decision I wanted to try meeting him anyway with it always in mind that our chemistry wasn't going to be based on his gym-toned physique. And you know what? It was great - we really clicked. But I can definitely guarantee you it wouldn't have worked if he hadn't been 100% upfront with me.

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  23. I have some bad internet dating stories, but I think the following might be the worst.
    Working alone in my office one saturday afternoon I started scoping out nerve.com and found a guy who had written to me, sort of cute, a doctor, etc. I responded, we started IM-ing and then he asked if I would call him. Tired of working, I thought what the hell. Bear in mind, this phone conversation happened within 20 minutes of meeting him online.

    The conversation started blandly enough, work talk, etc. but a few minutes in I heard some kind of muttering on his side of the phone

    Him: (to someone else, very exasperated) DAD…not now, not NOW…I’m on the phone!…(to me) Can you hold on for a minute? (goes away for a minute, sound of door shutting firmly)
    Him: Sorry about that. It’s my dad. He has Alzheimer’s and he just moved in with me.
    Me: Wow, that must be tough.
    Him: Yeah…sometimes it’s really hard (suddenly choking up a bit)…I mean, sometimes I just don’t know what I’m going to do (really crying now.) It’s so hard…
    Me: (shocked silence)
    Him: (clearing throat, voice still shaky) But you don’t want to hear about that…What were we talking about?
    Me: Um. You sound like you’re having a bad day. Maybe we could…
    Him: (desperately shouting) NO! No! I'm sorry... I’m okay, I promise (clears throat, wildly talking) What do want to talk about? Movies? Do you like movies? Books? Read any good books lately?
    Me: (determined to get off phone) Um, I just don’t think this is a good time for us to talk…Maybe some other time (totally lying)
    Him: (crying again) PLEASE! Please don’t hang up, please I’ll be better I promise…PLEASE….I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
    Me: It’s just that um, we just met and well, you’re crying
    Him: (still sobbing, but resigned) Yeah, I understand.
    Me: Goodbye. (I hang up to him sobbing.)

    Sometimes I think if I were a nicer person I would have stayed on the phone and talked to him, but I really don’t think I’m quite that nice….

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  24. I had a similar situation once. Hot, gorgeous Dommy guy who sounded perfectly kinky in all the ways I like.

    We exchanged a number of emails, and he sent me several shots of himself, all from the waist up (which should have been a clue, gah!) ... and then as we were setting up our first date, I got the dread "there's something I need to tell you"

    So I'm thinking "ok, he's married ... and that's a deal-breaker"

    Oh how wrong was I!?!?!

    Nope, not married. But paralyzed from the waist down and in a wheel chair.

    Ok, I have absolutely no problem with people with disabilities ... but he chatted with me about activites that would have required him to be able to stand, and he had ample opporutnity to tell me many times over.

    Again, it wasn't that he was handicapped that stopped me. It was the deceit. The things I'm into require trust ... and I had none in him after his confession.

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