Wednesday, May 04, 2005

"I Am Looking For Romanicness"

that, my dear imaginary internet friends, is a direct line from an email i received this afternoon in response to a craigslist post i wrote ages ago.

at first i thought it funny. but then i thought, seriously, aren't we all truly looking for romanticness?

anyway, i'm just letting you know that several more entries are on their way (just as soon as i finish the diagrams), including:

*When The Crazy Leads To Righteous Doorstep Peeing

*Sundresses For D-Cups (or "Why I Love San Francisco Summers")

*Oh, And I Am Engaged

i'm sure you're on the edge of your seats.

in the meantime, i would welcome comments/discussion on the phenomenon that is Men Who Reply To Personal Ads With Pictures Of Their Penises.

41 comments:

  1. I am El Gallo, how else can I respond but with a cock picture?

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  2. Ewww.

    I'm really enjoying your Craig's list entries and feeling lots of empathy for you in your dating adventures. I met my hubby online 7 years ago; we're going to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary in July.

    My point is, don't lose the humor because inbetween all these crazies and engrish candidates, you just might get lucky and find a good guy. :) Or at least you'll get lots of belly laughs reading all the other guys' wacko emails!!!

    Best wishes!

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  3. Have you received responses to personal ads with pictures of penis'? Curious question.

    Here's my thought on that as a male. The penis is not one of the most beautiful things to look at. I can say that because I have one... and it's not very beautiful in relation to the female figure. Maybe those who are not very attractive send a picture of their penis because it is more attractive than they are.

    You follow that?
    Does that say something?

    Or possibly that humans think that because one is in a Personal Ad, that they are easy and looking for love. So what best to suit that request than a picture of the "tool" used to make love?

    By the way, I am:
    a 24 year old SWM happy with life and being single. I will never lie as that proves nothing but distrust. I am currently not looking for any relationship, and I do not have any pictures of my penis. I am not a man-whore, so my private deal is something you have to earn to see.

    Have a day "dear imaginary internet friend." Hope that was informative. ;)

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  4. I think it could be that men are most worried about how a potential mate will see them when they are naked. As much anxiety a women has about her naked body, a man has about his and especially his penis. Now take a personal add, I guess most just want to get it out in the open. If you know what the goods look like then maybe your more likely to bite? Well hopefully not. Anyway I would guess that most men who surf the personnal adds on the internet are socially inept also and it would stand to reason that they might think that showing how proud they are of their goods that the women would in turn show the same respect. Perhaps the penis showing is in direct proportion to the amount of single women who post themselves standing next to a really hot friend in hopes to get a response. It seems they do this and then in the text state that they are the plump girl on the left or right of whatever happended to catch your eye in the first place. Anyway this posting is way off track and I was distracted by your very attractive yet sarcastic photo on the left. Oh and by the way I loved the craiglists post. jenslave@hotmail.com

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  5. I've been lurking here for a couple days and I simply couldn't avoid responding to this entry!

    I once met a fascinating (and a little odd) sculptor whose work gravitated entirely around the male sexual organ. He said his work revolved around the penis because when uncovered, it stands out predominantly. The skin coloring is different, it does not "go with the flow" of the rest of the body like all of our limbs do, and it really rather gets all "pointy" and "obstac-ly".

    (A brilliant sculpture artist he is, but I wouldn't say lexical artistry is his domain. But by fuck, he's FUNNY)

    Following such logic, this brilliant gentleman of few inhibitions told me that the penis was made to stand out in the same sense of the engorged female sexual organs in other hominid species during their prime periods. It is thereby "natural" for men to advertise their penis, and this is exactly what they do on craigslist.

    I have a few doubts, of course, but I think he does make some degree of sense. I wouldn't be surprised if he was hitting the right note at all either.

    Oh and kudos on your blog. I'm already fond of your certain brand of humor!

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  6. Hmm... how about this one time when this guy writes to me and he seems normal... Later after a few more messages and about less than a week later, he has decided I was "witty and sassy" enough to have special access to his penis, right there in the next and last email I recieved from him. I felt rather *special* too, since I was one of the few who got the privelege of seeing it and possibly even going further later on. Can you feel the excitement? After you get over his ego? Gee, thanks for letting me see your family jewels. But that's not how I do things, because then I know what I'll be missing and I was glad I did!

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  7. hiya,

    romanticness...however the title "romanicness"...i think you're on to something here. some new brain disorder or something, "i have romanicness". i wonder what that would entail.

    it occurs to me that Men Who Reply To Personal Ads With Pictures of Their Penises were once society's flashers; but now, why whip it out on muni when you can do it from the safety of your own home?

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  8. Men Who Reply To Personal Ads With Pictures of Their Penises...are they the same ones who are sick of the bar scene and like to cuddle? Are all the personal ads written by a bunch of men sharing the same brain? That's my newest theory...

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  9. What could be more romantic than replying to a personal ad with a picture of your man meat? So intimate, so honest, it truly says, "Yep, this is me. Take it or leave it. I am but a disembodied member, devoid of personality and charm, but not lacking in tumescence. Love me." Beautiful.

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  10. I was having quite a "neh" day, buried up to my armpits in research, but then I chanced on your blog and have been chuckling away to myself all morning! I will be stopping by again (that's not a threat).

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  11. Ahhh the penis pictures. I forgot about those.

    Reminds me of my worst first date. Monogamy Man. Who believed that monogamy was an evil prison created by women for men. Cause women don't like sex. So when they trap a man in the monogamy prison they can use sex as currency. Cause they don't like it you know, and can take it or leave it.

    This was all explained to me at Outback where I was on my fourth first date in as many Fridays. The waitstaff knew me. And sometimes cornered me in the bathroom to get scoop.

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  12. I really, really like mmt's theory! All personal ads are written by a bunch of men sharing the same brain! So True!

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  13. Men Who Reply To Personal Ads With Pictures of Their Penises.. are much more interested in fucking a chick than having a normal conversation with said chick. RUN! ... But I totally didn't need to add the RUN! bit ... Anyone without a penis and enough brain to tie their own shoes knows THAT!

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  14. I'm just curious, do these men put something like a dollar next to the penis for scale? Otherwise, how are you going to be impressed?

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  15. I would guess this penis display is some type of primitive primate sexual display. When the male shows his penis he is signalling "I am a fertile male ready to mate." Out of curiosity I did a brief "google" search and read that some female primates engage in similar behaviors. I'm not quite sure what else to say about this.

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  16. Penis pictures ? Maybe their other head is too ugly to show ?

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  17. Ericha2@comcast.net9:28 AM, May 05, 2005

    I think a man who replies to acraigslist or any personal ad with pic of his penis is actually trying to show you how intelligent they are. After all, don't most men think with their penis?

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  18. Ericha2@comcast.net9:29 AM, May 05, 2005

    btw...sorry for the typos...just having my morning coffee now. =)

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  19. What really intrigues me is Men Who Respond To Personal Ads With Pictures Of Someone Else's Penises.

    Usually, Photsoshopped onto their bodies. I can see why the men would want me to think that this is their penis-- they're always huge-- but I wonder what they plan to do in the event that we actual meet and have sex.

    Turn out the lights and hope for the best?

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  20. men are odd creatures.

    i have to wonder the same thing when men send pictures of themselves that aren't actually themselves.

    i had this happen once and will have to find the evidence to post...it's totally dumbfounding...

    (and p.s. i think all too many guys generally approach sex in a "turn out the lights and hope for the best" kinda way anyway.)

    :)

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  21. ACK!!!!! I don't want to see it even if you are my boyfriend/husband for 30 years, much less a stranger!!!!!!!! *faints*

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  22. okay I just logged on and apparently yahoo thinks this guy is the match for me...

    "i love candles there very spiritual to me i love filling a room with candles i love being romantic cuddling by a fire massages and someone who likes being pampered and spoiled

    im lookin for someone who is fun affectionate sensual passionate who likes to exercise someone i can cook a meal for pamper her with a massage candles all over the apt and lookin for someone who knows how to take care of there man "

    Seems a lot of guys are looking for romanicness. I might enjoy exercising someone though. Is he trying to say he is possessed? And do you start massage fires with massage candles?

    I am seriously taking up knitting.

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  23. 'nilla, who needs a photo of their penis when they write like ee cummings on speed?

    A man who sends a picture of his penis when looking for a date is, in the words of Rowan Atkinson, "like a blind man in a dark room, looking for a black cat who isn't there."

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  24. I think men assume (mostly incorrectly) that women would like the same response they (men) would. Most men would love to get a nude pic of a woman responding to a personal add. So they try to give women what they think they want. Just like when my buddy Nash gave his mother an FM converter for her car's AM radio when he was about 15.

    Oh, and some women do use sex as currency, whether they like it or not.

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  25. As a fellow internet dating veteran, I've thought about this one a lot. I think it comes down to one of three things:
    1. Men, especially men who are looking for love on the internet, are seriously confused about what women want. So they try to offer us what they would want (as an earlier commenter said), figuring that if they'd love a picture us naked, that's what we'd enjoy too. Or else (As you can see in some of the other responses you've gotten) they resort to parroting the same tired old clichés that they're heard women want - sensual massages, candles, "romanticness". Have you ever seen the Jerry Seinfeld routine where he says that a man who's trying to meet women by honking at them from his car is just a man who's run out of better ideas? Same principle.
    2. Some of these men are resentful when they read your ad and realize that a girl like you would never, ever sleep with them. Under normal circumstances (and without them committing a felony) you would never see their penises because you would have zero desire to do so. So I think it's like, "Ha, you may think you're too good for me, in person you might shoot me down in some incredibly humiliating way, but here on the anonymous internet I can force you to look upon my glorious member and you can't get back at me!" Because they know that you wouldn’t really want to break your email anonymity by responding with disparaging remarks, tempting as it may be. So they can make believe that secretly, even if you would never admit it, you're kinda turned on by their pathetic display of man meat.
    3. It's a no risk situation for them... So even if it's only one in five million girls who actually has a positive response to that kind of thing, what do they have to lose?
    Nevertheless, it's all very icky.

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  26. ee cummings on speed. Classic!

    Frankly, I think that the way only men can survive in this cruel world, since their entire ego lives in their penis, is by thinking that in the back of our minds, all women really love it.

    Freud wasn't a psychotherapist. He was simply a guy with a lot of fancy words, begging of fate, "PLEASE! Tell me that women really love and worship our penises! Please tell me that women think about our penises as much as we do!" His terror that this not might be the case, combined with some "factual" case studies were, after all, what created the concept of penis envy. Can you imagine the mass implosion that would take place if it became suddenly clear to men that women think their penises are less attractive than, say, their feet? And maybe think about a penis once a day?

    It strikes me at this time why more men aren't gay; after all, they spend all that time thinking about dicks! If I spent that much time thinking about my pussy, I might soon hunger for someone else's. (Ba-dum!)

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  27. Oh, and I finally figured out how to list my blog on my profile, so you can find it, now.

    And k, where the hell are those funny diagrams we've been hearing about? What are you, working or something?

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  28. I guess when men do that they are getting right to the point...they want sex and they want you to give it to them.

    I guess the bottom line is that men do not understand woman because of their indirect method of communication. We want directness (hence the response by some men by using their "johnson"...which leads to confirmation that some men do think with their penises). Women on the other hand read between the lines. You can plug in any question by the woman to the man...does this dress make me look fat...is she prettier than me...how do you like my new haircut...etc...etc... No matter what we say, we are doomed. I believe most men would like to hear, "I do not care what you think, I think this dress mankes me look hot or makes me feel good. A confident (not bitchy) woman is a huge turn on. Comments?

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  29. okay jim,

    i hear what you're saying, but there is a HUGE difference to me between being "direct" and men not getting women at ALL.

    imo, a direct guy would respond to an ad saying something like:
    "hey, i liked your ad. you sound attractive for these [fill in the blank] reasons. i also find your picture sexy/hot/alluring/etc. we should get together and see if we hit it off." or something along those lines.

    ask any woman what she finds sexy/attractive about a man, and even the most direct responses will NOT include "what his penis looks like."

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  30. do they JUST send you pictures of their penises? or are there friendly little emails to go along with them (i mean, of course, more than "attached please find a picture of my penis")?

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  31. Sorry, I was not trying to equate the two situations. I agree, the "penis responder" has no clue.

    The other situation is a man who has some idea of what is going on.

    And yes I agree even the most direct response would not ask for a photo of his penis.

    I should have prefaced my remarks.

    BTW, my little 5 year old girl just asked me what are soulmates?
    That is a question that I am still trying to figure out.

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  32. benamuckee,

    well you know, it varies.

    sometimes there is a brief note, like: hi there. 5'11" 164 lbs brn/brn. with a penis shot attached.

    sometimes there is NO NOTE at all, which is super. pictures do say 1,000 words (in this case, "why" repeated 999 times).

    and sometimes there is a perfectly nice message, delightful to read, with a penis pic attached for absolutely no discernible reason.

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  33. I wonder how you know whose penis pic it is, exactly? Hmmmm.

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  34. well, see, then, i would do the breakdown according to the note/lack of note. corresponding to your three types:

    type 1: these guys are trying to be helpful, but are kind of dumb.

    type 2: these guys hate you.

    type 3: these guys are insane.

    it's easy!!!

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  35. guys are just pigs face it they cant put two words together neverless make inteligent statement so they send pics of their Lil buddie

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  36. 'nilla -

    I want to make up my own new personal ad...

    "Looking for a man who likes beer and football. It's okay if you want to sit and watch sports all day Sunday because I like to watch several hours of TV on Thursday nights. Cuddling is nice, but it's not all there is. Tell me what you really like, and we will see if we hit it off."

    Think of all the responses I would get to THAT! Unfortunately, an ad like that is just ASKING for penis shots...

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  37. Having recieved more than a few penis pics myself I have the following theory: A lot of men, (even some of the ones that are otherwise smart and cool) deep inside believe that out there exists a group of woman who are desperately oversexed and long to treat men as the sex objects they wish to be. I mean, men that want women that think about *them* the way they think about most women. They think they MUST be out there, SOMEWHERE and they just having trouble finding them until someone invented this wonderful internet. A nice penis pic would no doubt be all such a woman needed to see to choose them. What's a little ironic about it all is there is a group of people who are willing to treat men like sex objects (at least some of the time) and that's other men.

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  38. Well, I haven't gotten a picture of anyone's cock yet - probably because the system I use blocks pictures. But I get some startling offers. A charming young man email me yesterday to tell me that I "seemed cool, and if I would just pee in his mouth, then he would really know how cool I was.” Some days it is hard to maintain a positive attitude.

    Many women may become fond of a particular unit after becoming aquainted with it and its owner/operator, but there is nothing about an, um, stand alone cock (or photo of same) that is going to provoke anything other than giggles. Can we send a memo about this?

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  39. Penic Pics. Now, there's a topic for you. I'm female, and when I post an ad on craiglist, I always say "no pictures of your privates, please" or some such. About 1% actually takes the time to read the ad. So I end up with lots of penis pictures. That’s okay, because it helps me weed out a whole bunch of them right off the top. I should make an art project with them. Big ones, fat one, skinny ones, little ones, sideways ones...

    Caveat: When I say “men” in the following paragraphs, I’m not talking about all men here, just some men. Specifically, the penis pic sender kind of men.

    While I delete the penis picture senders immediately, I also have a certain kind of compassion for them. I think that they honestly mean no harm, (as pathetic as that sounds) they simply have this whole idiot savant thing going with regard to their penises. (Okay, wait, maybe savant was too strong a word, but you know what I mean).

    Men are so visual and for a lot of them, their penis is the center of their world. It’s what they define and measure themselves and their sexual prowess by. Regarding pictures of penises, I think they simply do not understand that a) we just don’t care b) if we are a woman asking for a picture we are probably not a woman and definitely a picture collector c) we are not visual in the same way and will not get soaking wet and ready just looking at a picture of their penis, thus creating uncontrollable urge to fuck penis picture sender right here right now, and most importantly d) we just don’t care.

    Dear Men of Craigslist ~

    Here’s a hint for you little darlings: Would you walk up to a woman in a bar, pull down your pants and waggle your penis in front of her face as a greeting? I didn’t think so. (Warning: The last man who assaulted me in a bar had a missed connection with his wallet.) While I’m at it (hey, I dream big!), could you please actually take a moment to READ the ad and respond accordingly? For example, if you are 65 and Hispanic and I happen to be looking for a 25 year old red-headed guy, we just aren’t going to do business. In return, I promise that if you are looking for an 18 year old blonde with DDD tits, I will not respond either.

    Complete sentences are always a bonus, as are marginal spelling skills or knowledge of “spell check”. Perfection isn't necessary as you can see by all my errors, but something that conveys basic intelligence is. I mean, has “R U 4 real? Im down for dat hit be back 5551212” ever really worked for you?

    Look, we forgive you. We know you didn’t know any better. Now you do, so don’t do it again, okay? Okay.

    Love,
    ~The Women of Craiglist
    Brought to you by the letter P, the letter C and yours truly, Snarky woman from Oakland who needs more coffee this morning.

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  40. I just have to share. When I told my adorable boyfriend about the penis pictures issue on CL, he quipped sarcastically, "Yep, because that's exactly what a horny girl in search of satisfaction wants - some dumbass who thinks that the whole world revolves around his dick."
    Guys, seriously, make a note - when and if a girl is just looking for some hot, no strings attached action, she wants it to be with a guy who has some clue what turns her on. And it's not dick pics.

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