Scenes From A Non-Date

Imaginary Internet Friends, you asked for it. plus also i needed a procrastination device. which means i can now present you with an illustration of my evening with a blog-stalker! yay!

but first, a few words.

this was not a Date because CalifSkip and i are Just Friends for many reasons not the least of which is that he lives in LA. and i totally did enough long-distance dating in college to last me the rest of my life thankyouverymuch. and so it being a non-date took all the pressures of Dating off and allowed me to feel comfortable which meant that instead of talking a mile a minute and trying desperately to activate any of my filters (the way i might on an Actual First Date), i spoke at an alarmingly faster rate and rejected any sort of filters whatsoever. because i am the epitome of breezy elegance.

anyway, CS was here in town for a wedding, so we agreed to meet at the bar atop his hotel because it has amazing views of the city. (of course i would NEVER go there if i were not with someone from out-of-town because that is not what people who live in SF do. we also do not go to fisherman's wharf. or wear shorts. we do ride the cable car, but that involves much scowling at the tourists who are riding it "for fun" as opposed to riding it to get from point A to point B.)

so right, the bar is mostly worth it for the views. SF is stunningly beautiful, especially at dusk with the softly purple fog rolling in. (made even more spectacular with a martini, of course.)

unfortunately, the bar is almost not worth it because it is a hotel bar. and this means you have hotel bartenders, who may or may not know what they're doing. if the hotel is uber-chic, the bartenders can be outstanding. however, if the hotel is uber-touristy (like this one), you're more likely to run into bartenders who look at you quizzically when you inquire about their top-shelf gins. which they won't have.

(i will interrupt myself here to acknowledge that i can, on occassion, be high-maintenance when it comes to ordering cocktails.)

the same bartender might then give you olives even though you requested a twist, which might then make you have to send it back because you hate Hate HATE olives so very much.

(and here is where i will admit further obnoxiousness on my part. a very good bartender would, after having erroneously put olives in the drink, discard the entire cocktail and start fresh with the twist because he would know the olives had already gotten their horrible juice all over my gin. and while i would never demand this, i do secretly wish for it every time it happens.)

and then that bartender, instead of discarding your entire drink, might return your same drink to you with the twist...AND the olives. at which point you might have to shake your head a bit. and then take the olives out of the drink and mention, politely, "oh, it's just that i prefer the twist because i do not like olives." and he might then ask you, "oh? you don't want olives at all?" and you might then wonder how it is possible he is a bartender.

but at least by then the matter will have been settled. and it will be fine because CS will eat your olives and you won't have to worry about them anymore.

and plus you can start fresh with the next round.

anyway, another thing about this bar is that there is a dance floor. and the thing about hotel bars with dance floors is that you never know who might decide that it is a good idea to dance on them. in our case, while it was still light out and the dance floor was otherwise completely empty, a man and woman decided they would make the most of the latin music.

the man was probably in his early 60s and not in very good shape. he was ruddy-faced and sweating. he was wearing a very bright, obnoxiously patterned shirt that men who are that age and have money seem to wear for completely inexplicable reasons. he had bushy white-grey hair. and he could not, for the life of him, dance.

especially not to latin music.

with him was a woman at least 25 years younger who appeared to actually be latin. and she was busty. and she had on a very tight-fitting dress and had very long hair and sort of knew what she was doing on the dance floor. which only made the sight of her with the man more painful. and obvious.

because while maybe they were a couple very much in love, i sort of got the e-s-c-o-r-t feel. ya' know?

anyway, it was otherwise uneventful (in the sense that i didn't fall or spill anything or make a complete fool out of myself) (that i know of). and evil olives and tourists and escorts and fog aside, it was a lovely meeting and a fabulous way to discover that at least one of you is not entirely imaginary.



  1. You make me want to self-illustrate my blog too. Luckily, I have enough pictures of my cats and my dog to avoid that for the forseeable future.

  2. Excellent illustration.

    I apologize for the touristy-ness and the bad bartender. I definitely over-tipped him.

    Someday maybe I will have my own blog so I can deconstruct the non-date.

    But in the meantime would you refrain from calling me a blog-stalker. It's giving me a complex.

    Oh, and the paragraph after "but first, a few words" sounds like a disclaimer. Just who are you trying to convince?

  3. Kristy:

    I found my prince charming on case you haven't tried dating a geek....

  4. Oh, and I'll see you at the Castle! I look forward to all your posts with baited breath.

  5. Hilarious drawing.
    You're already funny as hell, but the art kills me.
    I make sure to NOT drink when reading your blog. My sensitive nose doesn't like alcohol shooting through it.

  6. Does being Just Friends mean you don't respond to each other's emails?

  7. now, now...

    the point was that it's great to have an excuse to drink so high up.

    and 'blog-stalker' is a term of endearment (and in my world means simply someone i met through the blog).

    as for emails, i'm getting there! sheesh!

  8. califskip,

    while kristy uses 'blog-stalker' as a term of endearment (bless her) *you* are acting very much like a stalker scorned. creepy. we don't want to have to worry out our girl now m'kay? you might want to tone it down a bit.

    instead why don't you tell us about her breezy elegance and how beautimous she is in person? come on buddy. you got to meet the illustrious kristy. now count yourself lucky and tell us all about how fabu she is! if you don't have anything nice to say...

    i'm just sayin'.

  9. kristy, you're the cutest thing EVER! can you quit your job and just blog? surely there is a grant or something out there for you.

    Oh! I'll go look for one. BRB.

  10. Kristy is indeed fabulous. The model of breezy elegance and charm. No quarrel there.

    And don't worry. I'm safely back in L.A.

  11. Kristy, you are totally cute. I'm so there at the EC. And I *will* bring cupcakes.

  12. K, I'm right there with you on the no olives thing! Why some bartenders can't understand the importance of the chosen garnish to the drink, I truly don't understand.
    Yes, I would like a lime with my Citron, please. Is it that difficult to understand how one might appreciate a medley of citrus flavors?

  13. The picture just did it for me. I love the hoe's porportions.

  14. I HATE it when I come into a SOAP midway......
    The art totally makes it for me. e-s-c-o-r-t-s never make it out of the hotel room.

  15. Girl, I've been lurking 'n reading your Blog, and I must say, You Rock!
    You've got some serious comic talent. And a sweet charm. And a glowing radiant beauty.
    Did you know that top-shelf gins are actually higher proof? It's not your imagination that you get drunker on Tanquery...

  16. I second the motion that Kristy quit her job and just Blog I will be the first to donate 1000$ all I need is an address preferably a PO box...then she can blog for me too

    nutin but top shelf for me missy
    nuthin beats a Long Island Iced tea

  17. I can not get over your sketches. It really helps me visualize. As if I am really there, too.
    I especially appreciate the ho's butt! hahaha

  18. is this drawn to scale-?-because your drink is roughly the same size as your head. that's impressive, olives or no...i would've ended up on the dance floor with colonel sanders.

  19. first, the bartender would never make it in the city. women here would sock him in the snoot. second, if you are not physically active salsa or meringue dancing should never be attempted.

  20. Love the illustration, as always. Gotta love the non-pressure of the non-date. For uber-yummy cocktails I like Tanquery Ten and tonic with lime. I think I'll have one now...

  21. In the immortal words of Rick Blaine - "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."


  22. love the ho's nipple. nice detailing.

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  25. OMG - loved the illustration. You are too funny. I love checking your blog and finding new entries (no pressure - wink wink) it makes my day.

  26. Gotta agree on the passive-aggressive diagnosis. Insult people much there, califskip? Just because it's veiled doesn't mean we don't see it.

  27. You should always demand that your cocktails be redone if olives get in there...

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  29. And for the record, whoever posted using my name is a dick.

  30. Jeeez... will wonders never cease??

    People who impersonate people who are no-longer-imaginary-friends of a famous blogger??

    Too funny!

  31. as you can see, i have deleted a couple comments here. i really prefer not to ever do that, so i hope we can all play nice now.

  32. You're too fat for CalifSkip!

  33. yes, yes, that is *precisely* it.

  34. Anonymous, what an asshole you must be.

    K, can I swear here?

  35. the question mark rocks. no wait a minute i don't say "rocks" in that context. the question mark is terribly apropos.

  36. Do you use Paint to draw? Or just a crayon?


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