I M LAME

i'm not exactly uber-high-tech or anything, but i'm not exactly tech-clueless, either. (erm, mostly.) but i am hereby admitting that i totally don't get Text Messaging.

actually, truth be told (and really i think we're at that point, yeah? i did tell you about getting toothpaste on my back remember) i really don't get cell phones, either.

[i am the uncoolest person in california EVER.]

i just don't like, get them. okay okay, i mean, i GET them -- i like having a phone on me and i use it to make and receive phone calls -- but beyond that, i am baffled.

[which is why i'm carrying around what amounts to a DOS-based cell, while the rest of the world is all fancy with their equivalent-to-OSXs.

seriously, my phone has a monochrome screen thing. with green backlighting (totally like computers of the 80s a la 'Working Girl').

and it's clunky. and the color is wearing off in parts. and the ring choices? there are like, five, and i'm pretty sure none of them qualify as "ringtones." my phone does not take pictures. it does not display pictures. it certainly doesn't display lots and lots of different pictures, like the faces of those people who are calling me. i cannot download sounds or features for it. i can't listen to music on it. i can't use it as my PDA (omg, i also so can't use PDAs at all, but that's a whole different story).]

i just cannot grasp the role of text messaging in a world that already has email for long messages and IM for short messages and then phones that still function as phones.

and so my lack of texting comprehension (and, let’s face it, ability) has left me feeling kinda lame and uncool and tech-savvyless.

HOWEVER!

there is apparently an upshot to my lameitude. it turns out i should never, ever, EVER be given the power of text messaging ANYWAY because apparently text messaging is an especially compelling activity when one is drunk. (and kids, you know i do not need another technical medium with which i can get in trouble for using while under the influence.)

so sure, sometimes drunk messaging is rather harmless. like say for example, after your friend kristy has plied you with 17 or so margaritas, you think it is a good idea to text your girlfriend. and so you think long and hard about what exactly you want to say to her because you love her very much, and want to let her know that even though you can’t be together tonight, she means the world to you. so you spend a good deal of time hitting many buttons (slightly harder to do with so much tequila, you understand) and finally send her the following, deeply heartfelt message:

w

doesn’t that just say it all, really?

but then, sometimes messaging isn’t quite so easy to laugh off the morning after.

like say in the situation where it is late at night and you have had a few cocktails and you have a crush on a boy and you decide, just before you go to sleep, that you want to let that boy know you are thinking about him so you send that boy a message:

going 2 sleep now thinking about u

and then say a few minutes later you get a message from a phone number you don't immediately recognize that says:

u r?

but then you realize through your drunken haze that it is your crush writing you back from a different number and is being cute. so you write:

u r so cute

and so then a few minutes after that, just before you fall asleep* you receive:

u r cute 2 i m thinking of u talk 2morrow?

and you think, of COURSE you will talk tomorrow.

and then it is, say, tomorrow. say, lunchtime. and you are at, say, work. and a strange feeling comes over you as you start checking your voicemail. about some text messaging you may have done the night before.

and then you hear it. the voicemail from "tom" who called you this morning saying he was surprised and happy to hear from you last night.

right. see, that's "tom." the guy you swore you would never see again after that night. who you haven't heard from since. who you weren't going to worry about. who you thought you were going to date but then he didn't call. who you are still crazy about anyway. whose --ahem -- number you didn't remove from your phone.

as opposed to "thom," the guy you are actually currently dating.

oopsie.

so uh, not that anyone i know would ever have something like this happen to them (certainly not), but i have learned that things like this are maybe possible and thus, given me and my crazy, likely.

as would be lesser texting errors.

because, danger of sending inappropriate lovey messages aside, i have learned that drinking before text messaging can also cause much damage in the way of "technical errors."

frankly, i cannot even imagine trying to command a little machine involving names and buttons and settings and noises and colorful screens while under the influence of a couple martinis.

because you know what would happen? i’ll tell you. i would end up with the same problem a friend of mine’s sister had:

little sister went to a big party at her big college. and the next day she woke up not entirely sure of the text messaging she’d done. she vaguely remembered messaging her big sister to tell her she was having a good time.

so later in the afternoon, she was very surprised to receive a call from someone named “Holy Shit I’m Drunk!”

incoming call from Holy Shit I’m Drunk!

hmmm. "do I know someone named Holy Shit I’m Drunk!,” she wondered.

and then she laughed.

because, as you may have figured out already, rather than text message her sister to tell her that she was (holy shit!) drunk, she had instead changed her sister’s name.

so yes. while i am lame and uncool and unhip and textless, i think it is best that i stay off the messaging bandwagon for now. but if you ever receive a message from someone named ARE U GETTING THIS, you’ll know i’ve changed my mind.


*pass out