i'm not exactly uber-high-tech or anything, but i'm not exactly tech-clueless, either. (erm, mostly.) but i am hereby admitting that i totally don't get Text Messaging.

actually, truth be told (and really i think we're at that point, yeah? i did tell you about getting toothpaste on my back remember) i really don't get cell phones, either.

[i am the uncoolest person in california EVER.]

i just don't like, get them. okay okay, i mean, i GET them -- i like having a phone on me and i use it to make and receive phone calls -- but beyond that, i am baffled.

[which is why i'm carrying around what amounts to a DOS-based cell, while the rest of the world is all fancy with their equivalent-to-OSXs.

seriously, my phone has a monochrome screen thing. with green backlighting (totally like computers of the 80s a la 'Working Girl').

and it's clunky. and the color is wearing off in parts. and the ring choices? there are like, five, and i'm pretty sure none of them qualify as "ringtones." my phone does not take pictures. it does not display pictures. it certainly doesn't display lots and lots of different pictures, like the faces of those people who are calling me. i cannot download sounds or features for it. i can't listen to music on it. i can't use it as my PDA (omg, i also so can't use PDAs at all, but that's a whole different story).]

i just cannot grasp the role of text messaging in a world that already has email for long messages and IM for short messages and then phones that still function as phones.

and so my lack of texting comprehension (and, let’s face it, ability) has left me feeling kinda lame and uncool and tech-savvyless.


there is apparently an upshot to my lameitude. it turns out i should never, ever, EVER be given the power of text messaging ANYWAY because apparently text messaging is an especially compelling activity when one is drunk. (and kids, you know i do not need another technical medium with which i can get in trouble for using while under the influence.)

so sure, sometimes drunk messaging is rather harmless. like say for example, after your friend kristy has plied you with 17 or so margaritas, you think it is a good idea to text your girlfriend. and so you think long and hard about what exactly you want to say to her because you love her very much, and want to let her know that even though you can’t be together tonight, she means the world to you. so you spend a good deal of time hitting many buttons (slightly harder to do with so much tequila, you understand) and finally send her the following, deeply heartfelt message:


doesn’t that just say it all, really?

but then, sometimes messaging isn’t quite so easy to laugh off the morning after.

like say in the situation where it is late at night and you have had a few cocktails and you have a crush on a boy and you decide, just before you go to sleep, that you want to let that boy know you are thinking about him so you send that boy a message:

going 2 sleep now thinking about u

and then say a few minutes later you get a message from a phone number you don't immediately recognize that says:

u r?

but then you realize through your drunken haze that it is your crush writing you back from a different number and is being cute. so you write:

u r so cute

and so then a few minutes after that, just before you fall asleep* you receive:
u r cute 2 i m thinking of u talk 2morrow?

and you think, of COURSE you will talk tomorrow.

and then it is, say, tomorrow. say, lunchtime. and you are at, say, work. and a strange feeling comes over you as you start checking your voicemail. about some text messaging you may have done the night before.

and then you hear it. the voicemail from "tom" who called you this morning saying he was surprised and happy to hear from you last night.

right. see, that's "tom." the guy you swore you would never see again after that night. who you haven't heard from since. who you weren't going to worry about. who you thought you were going to date but then he didn't call. who you are still crazy about anyway. whose --ahem -- number you didn't remove from your phone.

as opposed to "thom," the guy you are actually currently dating.


so uh, not that anyone i know would ever have something like this happen to them (certainly not), but i have learned that things like this are maybe possible and thus, given me and my crazy, likely.

as would be lesser texting errors.

because, danger of sending inappropriate lovey messages aside, i have learned that drinking before text messaging can also cause much damage in the way of "technical errors."

frankly, i cannot even imagine trying to command a little machine involving names and buttons and settings and noises and colorful screens while under the influence of a couple martinis.

because you know what would happen? i’ll tell you. i would end up with the same problem a friend of mine’s sister had:

little sister went to a big party at her big college. and the next day she woke up not entirely sure of the text messaging she’d done. she vaguely remembered messaging her big sister to tell her she was having a good time.

so later in the afternoon, she was very surprised to receive a call from someone named “Holy Shit I’m Drunk!”

incoming call from Holy Shit I’m Drunk!

hmmm. "do I know someone named Holy Shit I’m Drunk!,” she wondered.

and then she laughed.

because, as you may have figured out already, rather than text message her sister to tell her that she was (holy shit!) drunk, she had instead changed her sister’s name.

so yes. while i am lame and uncool and unhip and textless, i think it is best that i stay off the messaging bandwagon for now. but if you ever receive a message from someone named ARE U GETTING THIS, you’ll know i’ve changed my mind.

*pass out


  1. Oh my god that was so funny! I usually have someone take care of my cell when I'm out drinking. I am guilty of drunken texts/calls...I swear to my self that I won't but for some reason after a couple of beers it seems like a good idea,,,

  2. Uses for text messaging when a phone call or IM wouldn't suffice:

    1. Out and you want to leave, but didn't think ahead to come up with a signal with your friends/bf/gf/whomever.

    2. Somewhere noisy, trying to find people.

    3. Somewhere where you're supposed to be quiet (graduation ceremony, museum, bathroom), but want to still be able to receive messages.

    That all being said, I don't use text messaging either. I have the capability on my phone and I am somewhat techie, but I always have trouble figuring out how to open the messages.

  3. I love texting for one reason--it's the same price to text someone in the US as it is to text someone overseas. Helps with the phone bills.

    Here's another issue, though...how about finding someone's name in your phone and you can't remember meeting them, much less getting their phone number...hmmm.

  4. but drunken text messages are the best.

    Come on, I'll teach you!

    It's all about being in a bar bathroom and not being able to call anyway because it's loud but you really have to tell someone something.

    And cripes, if I hadn't text messaged my girlfriend, the taxi driver would never have heard her reply and found the phone before the battery went dead and then I would have had to buy a new phone (again, 2 weeks after losing it the last time ...)

  5. I once drunk texted this to an ex boyfriend:

    U suck the big suck

    Aren't I just the wordsmith of the year?

  6. I hope this isn't horribly self-centered (you know us bloggers!), to come out of the lurky darkness to say, hey, read what I wrote, but I thought you might enjoy my favorite text message story ever:


    I promise it gets around to text messenging eventually. :)

  7. You have too many toms in your life. Get rid of them all, and start fresh with a newtom. I can even text in whole sentences. ;-)

  8. unfortunately I have come to be quite proficient at the error-ridden drunken text messaging... worse yet, I was dating a guy with the same name as a friend who was interested in me, and I hadn't decided whether I was interested in him... needless to say, strange things can happen when you drunken text.
    but it can be very entertaining and come in very handy in loud bars and boring meetings!

  9. I'm not much of a textmessager but I hear you on being cellphone lame. I finally upgraded from my 1998 cell phone last year - prior to that I had to endure much jeering about my HUGE CELLPHONE and its lack of fancy ringtones.

    But damn, in 1998, that baby (size of a coke can) was slick...

    Also, I never buy flip phones b/c I feel like I'm talking into a toilet (get it? visualize...) so inevitably, my phones are bigger than everyone else's...

  10. Ahhhhhh text messaging! If I ever find the GD genius who came up with that little piece of social ineptitude, I swear to GOD, I'm going to hurt him.

    Actually happened to me one day: My friend said "Text me from the train when you're on your way back into town. Maybe I can pick you up at Union Station." So in my 374 attempts to type the message (piss off, auto-entry predictive text. jeezus!), my message was interrupted by a voice mail, and of course wiped out. The message, FROM HER: "Text me later!"

    Yup, much, much easier than spending $1 on a long distance call to see if she was around. *sigh*

  11. oh man, i've definitely had some text messaging issues. normally, when i'm drunk and am trying to send people messages, i can't even figure out how to unlock my phone, not to mention send a message. so, normally messages come across something like this: "H3w! I wish y6t w3re he73!" yeah, thats supposed to say "Hey! I wish you were here!". generally, thats after about 5 minutes of trying to get it to work, and giving up. oh, the beauty of electronics... no one can seem to figure it out!

  12. You know, have you ever read Laurie Notaro? Your style reminds me so much of. As does this story remind me of piece about the 12 stages of drunkenness.

    As for drunk texting, I'm much worse when I'm alone and find myself drunk emailing. Much, much worse for me!

  13. Funny story.. my friend and I were texting back and forth and he is like the king of texts... (ex: 11,000 texts one month on his bill) anyway on this particular day he was just pulling his car out of the shop after being painted and while texting me .. HE CRASHED.. TOTALLED THE CAR.. then had to explain to his gf what it was he was doing at the time to be so careless... (king of lying also)

  14. since i don't talk on the phone. i use text messaging. and oh yes it can be dangerous.

    i like this boy. and apparently one night when i was drunk. i texted him. i didn't find out until a week later that i had in fact texted him. but thank god he didn't reply. and he still talks to me... oh whew.

  15. For all of you who missed it, K has this on the left hand side of the page..

    39 days until
    I TURN 30!!!
    (July 4)

    Just didn't want anyone to miss it..

  16. I totally trump you in the lame department: I don't even OWN a cellphone. I work from home and if I'm out, you don't need to talk to me. You can damn well wait until I get back.

  17. Drunken emailing on the other hand....bad news.

  18. That was so funny. I have totally done that before. :)

  19. I am so bad at this drunken text thing... so bad that when I get home at 3am after going to bar, drunk text becomes drunk IM. Of course about 30 mins into drunk IMing, I pass out and the person I was IMing thinks I am dead cause I just suddenly stop talking... er, typing.

    Yea, technology is the devil for a drunk person.

  20. Oh my! Beware of text messaging, it can be dangerous. I have a friend from work who text messages me EVERY time he gets drunk. Apparently he moved to Massachusetts, met me, and has made me his drunk-dial/text friend. I find it amusing since I have also text messaged random comments to friends and family while obliterated by my good friend Cosmopolitan.

  21. My most recent drunken text:

    "I am ginvg you a drunk text instead of a drunj diaj bc my roomate is in aed and i am a little loud whdn i am superextramega drunk like right now. i foqget my point. anyway i am drvnk here you are kisses alice"

    at least it wasn't to an ex boyfriend. :-)

  22. Yeah. Drunk text messaging, or voicemail for that matter is HIGHLY embarrassing. I hate apologizing in the morning. Especially after I already called the person like 10 times the night before at totally unreasonable hours.

    Once I accidentally left my phone in a cab on the ride home and the cabby programmed his home number in before he returned it to me. PuLeeeeese.

  23. hey, i don't even have a cell phone. it was only two months ago that i got a portable phone. AND i have a phone with a dial!

    so, consider yourself trendy and über-cool in my world.

  24. The absolute worst is that along with my bad habit of drunken text-messaging, I do not have an outbox for my texts - so if I'm a little too drunk, I have absolutely no idea if/who I texted the previous night!

  25. A friend and I have often discussed the possibilities of having breathalyzer devices put on phones. If you are drunk it will only dial he cab or home. No more drunk dial to the ex at 3 am.

  26. you and i have the exact same 30th bday coming up! cheers to forever having annual 29th birthday parties! san diego should be gorgeous in july. hope sf is too!


  27. okay, first to Ag- for this very reason i had to set up autosave for my outgoing texts. One MUST KNOW what one texted the night before. if only to contemplate the possible consequences in their mind over and over and over while deciding whether or not they really should be contemplating with their head in a toilet.

    Second, interesting about the texting is that it is starting to catch fire as a means of communicating with someone you like. particularly if you are male. my boyfriend HATES talking on the phone. in fact, the word hate might not even be strong enough to describe his feelings about talking on the phone. thus texting has played a large role in our courtship. it's not all bad. they like to text, it's exciting when you get one, but you never know if someone got yours or what. so a little mystery. which i'd rather do without, but i'll deal cause i love him and he's cute.

    Top 3 reasons to text (taken from my inbox):
    3. "I don't do it very often just when there's important messages to relay"- this in response to the first text i sent him (after he texted me) saying oh don't you think your trendy. now i can show him this and call him a dirty liar anywhere (as he texts me about many, many not important things).
    2. "Sarah is the best eva!"
    1. "Working hard... for you"- who wouldn't want to read these things over and over obsessively especially when at work or on the bus? Give texting a try- it's fabulous!

  28. I just got a cell phone within the past year. And I'd like me and technology to stay on a "need to know" basis, so I will also be abstaining from the texting craze.

  29. Oh the perils of texting. Actually I hardly ever use my mobile, but when I do its nearly always to send a text message. Obviously if you've got a computer infront of you emailing is much easier. It is very easy indeed to text the wrong person though, especially when you're in the haze of a drunken hour.

  30. I've never yet drunk texted, although I HAVE done the drunk email, the drunk IM, and the thing where you wake up the next morning and find guys' numbers programmed into your phone and you think, "Who the hell are they?"

    As the college comedian Steve Hofstetter once said: "If you can't type the sentence, 'I'm not drunk, really, I just really want you to come over' with less than three typos...then you shouldn't be IMing." :)

    However, all this would be solved if only potential boys would avoid repeating each other's names! It's happened to me...


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