Knitting Atrocities, Philosophies, And A Request

maybe "atrocities" is too great a word, but why i continue to pursue knitting projects is somewhat beyond my scope of understanding. i'm not an especially talented knitter. and i have almost no patience for fixing mistakes (a la "i'll bet i can fix that in the next row"). and in the EIGHT MONTHS i've been knitting, i have completed:
  • four scarves
  • four hats (one that looks ridiculous on me; one that is wonky; one that is a bit large and seal-like; and one that has a reservoir tip and is thusly called The Condom Hat)
  • one baby blanket
  • one PSP screen cleaner (don't ask)
am i forgetting something? don't think so! how sad is that? sheesh. remember all those projects i've shown you pictures of? the poncho from a hundred years ago? the scarf for Ish? the hat for charlie? the scarf for risey? right. nothing.

and yet because i am me, i have ordered NEW yarn for new projects. uh huh! NEW YARN! and of course, you know what these new project are, right? yes! to make CHRISTMAS presents! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

sometimes -- and usually when it seems least fair -- things don't go the way they should. and when un-good things happen, well, what can you do?

we all suffer tragedy and loss and sickness and heartbreak. and it sucks.

so for me, i hang on to hope and humor. i think that's all it boils down to. i mean, if i can find a way to laugh, even when things seem otherwise completely dark, i feel like i'm letting in hope. hope that there will be happiness. hope that things won't always stay dark. acknowledgement that there is always some good to be found in the bad.

i get this sense of humor from my parents, of course.

and i bring this all up now because i do not think that many people would find anything about a colostomy bag funny. but this is why i love my family, and especially my dad.

who, while in the throes of battling cancer, left me the following voicemail from the hospital:
"hey kiki! i think we figured out what you can knit me for
christmas! now, it might be kind of hard to find a pattern..."

so um. if any of you knitters out there also have sense of humor enough to entertain this request, i'd appreciate it. you know, in case ya'll have a pattern for a Colostomy Bag Cozy hanging around. (originally i'd planned to actually start a knit-along, but realized maybe the demand for knitted colostomy bag cozies wouldn't be so great.)

anyway, yes.

i am officially asking that if any one of you is capable, to please send any recommended patterns (i have no idea how you'd go about creating this, by the way) to me at or, if you're totally and completely crazy and have no other pressing holiday projects (ha!) and want to maybe MAKE one and mail it to me to give to my dad this Christmas, i could set up a PO box or something.

all in good humor, of course.


  1. And my poor bald head is soooo cold and soooo knit-hat-less.


  2. I am liking this new 'stream-of-conciousness' format. Its how my blog started. I could never form a whole story so I just wrote and wrote and expanded later. Nope, don't write anymore, but I love reading yours. thanks! good luck with the colostomy bag coozy. I could crochet one, but it might be obvious. I do enjoy a challenge.

  3. one that is a bit large and seal-like

    So you're saying my head is fat???


  4. what a funny guy, your dad is.

    I wonder if you could make a whole outfit, including underwear and wear it out for christmas, or even better, on a regular night out.

  5. Can you get measurements of the bag? I imagine you could knit a rectangle and seam it up two sides to fit the bag, perhaps ribbed for a better fit.

    Cancer is a bitch. I'm sending good thoughts your Dad's way.

  6. My aunt was supposed to have a colostomy, but she couldn't find shoes to go with the bag...

  7. k, if I run accross any patterns, i'll be sure to let you know... hope your dad goes into full remission!

  8. Kristy,

    I'm so sorry your Dad is sick...But I'm glad he can joke with you and you all can laugh together. Maybe tell him your IIFs will be pulling for him.

    For your cozy, you might try a pattern for a hot water bottle and tweak it to fit the dimensions of the bag. See these:

    I'd knit it for you, but I've got lots of presents to knit for family, so of course I just bought 24 balls of yarn to make a sweater for myself...


  9. i love you. and tell your dad i'm thinking of him and sending my best love-and-comfort vibes.

    -el snarkster

  10. and, um, is my hat nowhere in the list of things to make?

    -el snarkster

  11. oh k... i'm sad to read that your dad has cancer and please forgive me if i missed the news in an earlier post. it's nice to see that your dad can find humor while fighting cancer (said in a whisper... i'm jewish and we whisper when we say cancer). i'll send good west-coast vibes his way.

    btw, i won't allow you to stop knitting. i see how you enjoy it. i bet if you start finishing your projects you'll feel a sense of accomplishment. i'll create a schedule for you ;-) plus our knitting group at work won't be the same w/o you. keep on knitting.

  12. Best wishes for your dad and hopes for a speedy and complete recovery!

  13. reader here...

    Actually, couldn't you use a pot-holder pattern and modify it for a colostomy bag? Maybe use some elastic?

    Just a thought...

    Come visit me too


  14. I'm so sorry to hear that your wonderful dad is having to fight cancer. I've heard that laughter, a positive outlook and strong family support are excellent accompaniments to medical care -- so I know he'll be in good hands.

    Wish I could help with the colostomy cozy pattern (funny idea, though -- your daddy remains wonderful). You might consider getting him a semi-large fanny pack that you have a seamstress modify (open a large slit on the back of the bag, next to the skin, where the pouch could slip inside). Just a thought -- might be less noticeable than something knitted. I had no idea the size/shape of those bags so I googled it and found this (non-gross) photo at this url:

    It looks like the hot water bottle cozy idea someone already mentioned would work pretty well too.


  15. One follow-up; I just spotted on my Google search that there's actually a webring (I swear) about people who have ostomies -- you might find a pattern or a recommendation through them. Here's the ring hub:

  16. I'm sure I don't need to add that perhaps the bag cozy should be made of a very washable acrylic. I would stay away from wool.

    Sorry for your dad (and you), but am so pleased when people handle tragedy with such aplomb.

  17. so sorry to hear your Dad is ill k.

  18. first may i blurt out, as a totally imaginary internet type, that it is utterly unfair that your dad, who is really awesome, is sick. Seems to me that you've had enough illness in your life already, and this shouldn't be allowed. Who do i write a letter to in complaint?

    Second, I checked the photo of the bag, and would like to second the request for actual dimensions. I, maker of the late knitted gift, commit to knitting said ostomy bag! I would embroider his initials, or something funny (ostomy jokes?) on it for sure. Or, just make it say "K's Dad..." or something goofy.

    Third, ordered yarn for projects? that's ok! keep ordering, and keep knitting when you feel like it, and get a good, moth resistant storage plan. My knitting teacher ( says there are two different hobbies- knitting, and yarn collecting. i have pretty significant habits in both...

    we'll have to talk again if you start to spin... yarn i mean.

  19. Followed your blog link from Kung Foo Cinema, about to bookmark you. So sorry to hear about your dad. But I just sent you an email about the greatest homeade ostomy bag (if you're looking for something wacky and out there).


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