Thursday, October 27, 2005

Arts & Crafts & Crap &...

this is not an entry, in case you were wondering.

i am just casually making mention of the fact that one* should never buy plastic wrap from a $0.99 (& up) store ever, unless you are strangely masochistic.

because plastic wrap is friggin' hard enough to negotiate when it's NOT super-cheap-ass wrap because you've gone that extra dollar and splurged on name brand plastic wrap like "saran."

but ohmyholyjesus, when you do find yourself in the $0.99 (& up) store, and you do buy some $0.99 (& up) plastic wrap, you will then be subjected to some unbelievably challenging Adventures in Cheap Plastic Wrap wherein you will be taught new lessons in physics and immediately have to pour more wine. because the world of super-cheap-ass plastic wrap is very, very ugly.

especially when it involves litter box mock-ups.

okay. maybe i should back up.

(fuck. i think this is now an entry. my apologies. blame the wine.)

so i decided that maybe the key to solving the riddle of the entranceway cat peeing is providing a second litter box. and before you recoil in horror at my providing only one litter box for two grown cats, please understand that my cats have lived together since they were born, and have been fine using just the one litter box until recently**.

so on sunday i went to walgreens to buy a litter box, but they didn't have one, so i bought shaving gel instead.

no, for me.

anyway.

so then last night i stopped in at the grocery store on the way home from work and discovered they didn't have a litter box, either. which was annoying and stupid so i left and didn't buy any groceries at all in an act of defiance.

(certainly my act of civil pseudo-disobedience has caused cala foods to rethink their stance on carrying litter boxes.)

so as i am storming out of the grocery annoyed at how difficult it seems to be to buy a simple, cheap plastic box (since i am not investing in an expensive plastic box until after i have conducted this experiment and have learned if a second litter box will solve my problem or simply leave my bathroom overrun with litter), i become aware of the fact that there is a $0.99 (& up) store on my way home and maybe-just-maybe they will have something.

so i stop in.

and can i just say, san francisco has some weird little stores.

i have no idea how or why this particular store was conceived. it's not like even a majority of the stuff in there is priced at $0.99.

it's just a weird, cheap-ish store with two aisles full of kitchen tools and soaps and sponges and wrapping paper and nail polish and candles and car fresheners and balloons.

and, well, also plastic bins.

except not the right kind of plastic bins. however, when one* is tired and feeling defeated, one might decide to just make due, by way of concluding: well gosh, this plastic bin is the right size and shape, who cares that there are HOLES throughout it? i will simply LINE THE SIDES of the bin with something. OH! like this here $0.99 store plastic wrap (that for some reason costs $1.99). perfect! i will buy the plastic wrap and line the plastic box and then maybe put one of those cat liner bags down and fill it with litter and see if monster doesn't think it's swell.

and that's what i did.

and because i tried to NOT make this an entry, i will NOT now detail for you the ugly, ugly elements involved in trying to:
  • simply OPEN a box of non-name-brand plastic wrap
  • find where the roll of non-name-brand plastic wrap STARTS (though i will say this is quite a trial and error process involving much scratching and cursing)
  • pull non-name-brand plastic wrap out of the (now ripped) box without considerable tearing
  • use the torn "edge" of a non-name-brand plastic wrap box to try and rip off one full sheet of plastic wrap without tearing it to shreds
  • get non-name-brand plastic wrap to stick to ANYTHING, particularly the inside of a holed plastic bin (would you not think that The Physics would help you out here? because i would. i would definitely think that plastic sticks to plastic rather easily, but apparently The Physics knows i'm a dumbass)
  • get non-name-brand plastic wrap to STOP sticking to YOU

no. i will not give you more details, but i will report that in the end, i (sort of) won. the box that the plastic wrap came in is irreparably damaged, sure. and the roll of wrap is probably not reusable.

but.

the bin eventually had wrap all around it. and i did add a plastic liner bag, and cat litter, and set up the new fresh thing in the other corner of my bathroom.

and then thanked god for wine and went to bed.

and when i got up the next morning, do you know what i found?

i found that the OTHER cat had used the new box, then spent such a considerable effort trying to bury what he'd done that he'd scratched the liner bag into the center of the box, along with the plastic wrap, so that there was just one big round torn ball of litter inside strips of plastic liner bag and plastic wrap.

and cat pee on the floor, next to it.

thankfully, i had just purchased some new $0.99 (& up) sponges as well. just in case.



*i

**except sometimes when Monster gets angry at doorways; always doorways.

33 comments:

  1. cats sure have a way of messing up the best laid plans... too bad ya don't live closer, I've got a half dozen currently unused litter boxes that my sister's cat altogether refused to use. talk about picky.

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  2. my dog is like this with food dishes.

    for a while (when he was sick) he would only eat out of my hands.

    MY HANDS.

    with stinky dog foods.

    and i had to do it so he could
    take his medicine.

    harumph.

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  3. So my question is ....


    Did you retain any of the information from the physics lessons?

    It may help you in the future ...

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  4. http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/archives/2005/10/a_girls_guide_t.html

    the above is a link to a NYC female blogger in her 20's - she is kinda the East coast version of you, with negative commenters, cheerleaders, etc. This is not spam - it is just he sorta thing your readers will love.

    PS - what is the last book you have read and liked, K???

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  5. Monster is a pissing demon. Pissing. Demon. You don't need a new litter box, you need a pentagram and the ghost of Anton Fuckin' LeVay to stop the Demonic Grey Piss Fountain™.

    *shudder*

    Speaking of which, E climbed into MJ's waste paper basket and peed in it. This while she sat next to him at her desk, smacking his ass, saying "E***! Stop!" I blame this on Monster's bad influence, by the way ;)

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  6. Thanks for this. It's good to be reminded that we are none of us alone in our torment with our cats, and, no matter what we do, it is never enough for them. I have to go clean my cat box now. :)

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  7. You have such a gift for taking the everyday pain in the ass shit we all deal with and turn it into something fun...well, fun-ny, and something all of us, so very different, can relate to! Oh...would you look at the time...I'm going to be late for Happy Hour. Cheers!

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  8. waker the cat's roommate5:02 PM, October 28, 2005

    I suggest a $0.99(+) cookie tray to go under the extra bin with holes in the bottom. It worked for us...

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  9. Hey. I may have missed an entry where you mentioned this before. But sometimes cats peeing in odd places is a sign of a physical issue. (like a bladder infection) It's worth getting the offender checked out - just in case.
    Cheers.

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  10. Kristy, you know, I went to the Blog party, and I had my picture taken with you, and I am your biggest fan, and you are SO AMZING becausebecausebecause:



    about halfway through EACH AND EVERY ONE of your posts, I think to myself: I am *not* going to make it through _this_ one without peeing my pants.



    (I manage. But I will let you know - at length - if I don't.)



    (This comment brought to you by: The Wine.)

    XO

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  11. My vet says to feed your cat where it is peeing, after first putting down aluminum foil to protect the area. So the cat gets the idea this is an eating area, not a peeing area. Also, keep food area away from the other "official" cat box, and keep the box super clean. I recommend "Arm and Hammer" odor absorbent stuff. Good luck.

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  12. K honey it is not you, I know whats happened here "The Chemisty" has told "The Physics" about you thats all.

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  13. el gallo has a blog. charles nelson reilly has one. we all have one!

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  14. good god, kristy, i'm sure you're sick of hearing this, but you have a way with words girl. you crack me up, and i wish monterey was a little closer to you so i could come and play!!! i love it here, i plan to stay!!

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  15. 2 words: Flushable Litter. I have 3 cats/1 litter box, and this stuff makes our relationship SO much better!

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  16. yeah...the whole litter-box-cat-pee-thing is soooooooo annoying in our everyday worlds....

    ps...i bet they have litter boxes at petsmart ;-D

    Your IIF in Fresno

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  17. I purchased a litter box from PetSmart and it is not so much better. I thought it would be "neat" that the one I bought had a little swinging door on it, and it would help hide the insides of the yucky box. However, Sophie, my cat, would just swat at the door until it fell into the box, then she would pee on it. Of course, her peeing in the box is leaps and bounds above her peeing on my $1200 sofa set that is now covered with plastic drop cloths (found in the painting ailse at Wal-Mart). Because it is easier to clean up urine on the plastic cloth than try to get it, and it's odor, out of my couch. So my furniture looks like it came out of some anal-retentive grandma's house. The thinks we do for our kitties. Good luck with Monster, K.

    PS - Your blog is great. Thanks for putting a smile on my face everyday.

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  18. One of my co-workers, who I turned on to your blog but is too shy to ever post, just told me her cat pees sqatting on the toilet! They adopted the cat when it was already over 10 years old so they didn't train him to do it but...wow! I've heard of this before. I just can't imagine opening my bathroom door and going "oh!...pardon me" to a cat!

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  19. That was pretty damn good for "not an entry".

    I have a cat with pee issues as well. After gobs-o-money spent on the vet, and more advice than I can even remember, I've finally figured out that she does it because she hates me.

    She even did it right in front of me once, and the look on her face was totally, "What are you going to do about it, bitch?"

    If my kids didnt' adore her, I'd "accidentally" push her out the front door while they were at school.

    Love your blog... I"ll be back!

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  20. Also, avoid the dollar store alumninum foil. It doesn't actually do anything that you would expect aluminum foil to do, like stay put or not rip every time you move it.

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  21. i'm trying to decide if dante bonaduce looks more like danny or his mom. tough one!

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  22. Ok well, are they both fixed and have you had them checked for urinary tract infections. Sometimes they will urinate umm... how to put this, "innappropriately" if they have a UTI.

    Also, have you ever seen the electronic litter boxes? We've had one, the large size for our two cats (littermaid) for seven years now - its a lie, the first wore out this is our second - but anyway, it is SO low maintenance and it keeps the litter fresh, no smell at all, and all you do is throw out this little box once or twice a week. That's all I've got.

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  23. Oh yeah, and because the litter is clean all the time they are more likely not to go outside the box.

    you can get them online on ebay or petsmart, petco or any of the online petstores.

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  24. Sympathize on all cat issues. A couple of interesting addenda:

    (a) Did you know that you can get software that automatically switches off your keyboard when a cat walks all over it? Invented by someone whose PC got totally screwed up when his cat went for a walk on the keyboard while he was out of the room. [Can a cat simultaneously stand on Control, Alt and Delete? Or randomly type out: format c: ?]

    (b) There's some stuff called Felaway (sp?) that sometimes persuades cats not to pee in places where you put it. Apparently it mimics some feline scent that reduces anxiety. (I guess these cats must be peeing because they're anxious). The same stuff they're actually rubbing on you when they brush you with their cheeks in that way they have.

    (c) There's some stuff called Nature's Miracle that is incredibly good at getting rid of cat pee smell. It's quite expensive, but you can get it cheaper online than in store. I've got a feeling the ingredients are something really simple and cheap, but I don't know any Chemists who can figure out what it is.

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  25. econoclast, I've got Felaway all over my freakin' house. Its a miracle drug. Its the only reason our cat is still alive :-)

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  26. Could your cat be reacting to some lifestyle change by you. Are you spending less time with them? Have you changed the house in some way? Your cats are not peeing because they 'hate' you. Something has been done to upset them. These are indoor only cats right? They are easier to upset with when the routine changes.

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  27. If you ever get the cat pee problem solved, let me know! I have a grandcat (like grandchild but furry) that feels it is his sworn duty to pee on my daughters bed once or twice a month. The cat boxes are clean and there has been no change in her lifestyle and no health issues(other than death threats)so..........we are stumped.

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  28. Ahhh, the joys of cat servitude. Good luck with that*.


    *by "that" I mean the super cheap ass plastic wrap. There is no cure for the kitty thing. Kidding!

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  29. Boo!!! I had to share today's Marion-Webster's word for the day. (rhymes with...)

    lamia \LAY-mee-uh\ noun

    : a female demon : vampire

    Example sentence:
    In his latest horror flick, a seductive lamia revengefully preys upon the young men of a suburban town, who, it turns out, were responsible for her brutal death.

    Did you know?
    According to Greek mythology, Lamia was a queen of Libya who was beloved by Zeus. When Hera, Zeus's wife, robbed her of her children from this union, Lamia killed every child she could get into her power. Stories were also told of a fiend named Lamia who, in the form of a beautiful woman, seduced young men in order to devour them and who also sucked the blood of children. Such nightmarish legends uncannily compelled poet John Keats, and many other writers before and after him, to write their own tales of Lamia, which still haunt and terrify those souls who dare read them.

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  30. Ok, now that I've had a couple Stella Artois during our halloween luncheon at work...I can think clearly and point out that yes, I do realize it's "Merriam"-Webster's. 9:27 a.m. on a Monday is not my best hour. Thanks everyone for not calling me out on it. Sometimes I feel like I'm that "special" (usually said with a nod and wink) poster.

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  31. Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for sharing that wonderful story.

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  32. let me also warn your loyal readers that dollar-store ASPIRIN does not work, either.

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