Monday, October 24, 2005

Charmed, I'm Sure

a really good sense of humor isn't just something i look for in a guy, it's something i absolutely require. because if you're going to date me, you're going to need it. well, that and an appreciation for martinis.

so okay.

we have already established that i am not so much good at The Physics or The Math, as illustrated in my not getting how things work (like gravity) and in my messing up knitting patterns because i do things like multiply 6 by 8 and get 56 (repeatedly).

and now it is time to explain the extent to which i am also not good at The Chemistry.

last night* Ish was headlining at a funky spot downtown and several of my lovely friends joined me in watching the show. and of course we had a swell time because not only was the comedy good but the club has a BYO liquor policy (and i am sure it will come as no surprise to you that my friends and i are no slouches in the BYOing department).

and so i started with the wine.

but kristy, you might be saying now, i thought you said something about martinis, not wine.

and then i would have to say, unfortunately dear IIF, the two are not mutually exclusive.

and then you might wince at the thought of drinking wine and martinis in the same evening and realize that this story is going to get very ugly very quickly.

because yes. sitting at the comedy club, enjoying the show, my friends' company, and wine, i was having a fabulous time. and then the ExBoy offered me champagne -- good champagne -- and i decided that would also be fabulous.

oh, and it was.

and then the show was over and we all gathered outside to go somewhere en masse, and i suggested the bar/restaurant/dancefloor atop the san francisco hilton since it was practically across the street and the dancing there is extremely cheesy and thus, when you're with 14 other people, fantastic.

and we arrived just in time for the bulk of the people who were dining to leave, and for the dj to start up with a lovely ensemble of ridiculous dance songs from the early-to-mid 90s. and the venue was perfect and the views were spectacular and all was well until we get to the part about The Chemistry.

Ish looked at me and asked me the very unfortunate question, "would you like a drink?"

answer that should be given by someone with even just a passing acquaintance with The Chemistry: oh, Ish, no. you see, while i've been known to have a rather remarkable tolerance in the past, body chemistry is not a constant. i have been eating much better, working out, and drinking less over the last several weeks. as such, the wine and champagne i've already consumed has brought me to my limit.

answer that could be given by someone with a passing acquaintance with The Chemistry whose judgment is perhaps slightly impaired by wine and champagne: well, i probably don't need another drink, but i suppose one more glass of wine won't kill me. hey, at least i'm not mixing liquors.

answer that was given by me: sure! how 'bout a martini?

now, to be fair to my own stupidity, i held that first martini like a champ.

(uh, didja catch that? where i said "first" martini? right.)

and things were still fine and the dancing was great and the views were still spectacular and all was still well except this is the point in The Chemistry class where you think you're adding de-ionized water to the test tube but discover, in a rather unfortunate manner, that it's something far more reactive.

like, say, a second martini.

because yeah. pouring that second martini into my body was like pouring a tube of...

um...

ah...

[oh for fuck's sake. i wanted to compare the martini to like, something you could mix in chemistry class that would start off looking okay but actually be a really bad combination. but i can't because i have no idea what i'm talking about because as you probably recall-- even if i can't -- i'm REALLY BAD AT THE CHEMISTRY.]

anyway.

wine + champagne + martinis + more healthy = lowered tolerance = downward spiral.

and so just moments after most of my friends were leaving the bar, i had to sit down to stop the world from spinning and my head from crashing into the floor. and then after i regained some sense of equilibrium, i decided to go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face (before trying to figure out how i could possibly manage a cab ride home).

now, this is the point in the evening where it is actually a good thing that you are as drunk as you are because if you were any bit more sober you would start sobbing in mortification because you are:
a. having trouble standing,
b. unsure how you will manage to get home given a., and
c. still in the throes of a new relationship where you are trying to impress your boyfriend.

that's impress. not throw up on.

so right. i fumbled my way into the ladies' room to splash cold water on my face, and Ish -- because he is good and kind or maybe just psychic -- followed me in.

now, a far more adventurous (and steadily upright) couple might use their stolen moments in a large, private restroom more...adventurously. but i, in my breezy elegance, could not be adventurous because i had to focus all my energies on solving The Chemistry problem. and by the time i made it into the ladies’ room, i'd forgotten my water-splashing objective completely and instead decided it would be best if i went into a stall to have a few moments alone.

so i locked the door, put the seat down, and sat down to think.

clearly there must be a solution to this Chemistry problem, i thought. uh, except maybe not in those terms exactly. (no, the terms i believe i used were, “god, i am so drunk. how can i not be drunk? i am too drunk. i should not be so drunk. how did i get this drunk? who made me this drunk? how can i not be so drunk? wait, maybe i am not so drunk. hmmm. oh god, i am so drunk.")

and while i was laboriously pondering these various Chemical Hypotheses**, i didn’t really have the mental bandwidth to process the sound coming from outside the stall. but if i had, i would have heard a lot of…rustling. yeah.

and maybe i would have asked what that rustling sound was, because that is maybe not the sound you want to hear from your boyfriend in the ladies’ room (assuming, there is ANY sound you want to hear your boyfriend making inside a ladies’ room).

so of course i eventually decided that there was absolutely no way to solve The Chemistry problem and even genius chemists would find the problem challenging and that The Chemistry is clearly really very stupid and if i had been taking a test in high school it would have been at that point where i’d have given up, handed the test in, and hoped for make-up homework. so right, i decided i had to leave the stall, Chemically challenged and all.

and when i did, i was rather surprised. i opened the door to find Ish pulling his hands out of the paper towel bin. and given my already perplexed mind, i was absolutely confounded.

“what are you DOING?” i asked, probably with a notable slur.

Ish looked at me and held up a clean plastic trash bag he’d rescued from the bin. “i thought you might need this for the ride home,” he said.

and that is when i realized i am dating the most brilliant man who has ever lived. einstein? chemistry? damn you both to hell. i have a street-smart, drunk-savvy comic. take that! seriously. i am a bit fuzzy still on the details, but it’s possible that his presenting me with a plastic bag may have moved me to tears.

uh, on the other hand, being moved to tears while under the influence of The Chemistry wasn’t half the feat that moving me to a cab was.

frankly, i have absolutely no idea how we made it down the stairs and into an elevator and onto the sidewalk and into a taxi, but we did. and i will attribute this to more – if fuzzy – brilliance on the part of Ish.

anyway.

if i were a cab driver, i'm not sure that i’d be too thrilled about allowing a clearly inebriated couple into my car, especially given that one half of the couple was already clinging for dear life to a clear plastic ladies’ room garbage bag. but then, maybe if i were a cab driver i wouldn’t notice the bag until it was too late.

like when the oh-so-breezily elegant blond started hurling, mightily, into it.

ah, me.

so let’s conclude this lesson in The Chemistry, shall we?

hypothesis: k is a good girlfriend

given:

  • tolerance = not a constant / change in body chemistry = change in tolerance
  • change in tolerance [MUST EQUAL] change in amount of alcohol consumed {{OR}} change in tolerance + constant amount of alcohol consumed = needing plastic bag in cab
  • k + stupidity in The Chemistry [ALSO EQUAL TO] plastic bag in cab = needing brilliant companion + tremendous sense of humor

considerations:

  • brings friends to see Ish perform (pos)+
  • throws up in cab on ride home (neg)-

conclusion: hypothesis unproven. additionally, will need to complete special homework assignment for extra credit to avoid failing this class.





*um, this was originally drafted last sunday, oct. 16.

**see how I’m using all sorts of chemistry references? cool, huh? yeah, i can do that because i am somewhat good at The English. and seriously, how many chemists could employ such thematic consistency to their drunk blog stories?


72 comments:

  1. but that equation only works for that particular night!

    think of all the nights you brought friends to go see him and did *not* subsequently throw up on him!!!

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  2. Second martini=Hydrochloric acid. :)

    I've really enjoyed reading your blog--you're quite entertaining! (Uh, long-time reader, first-time commenter here.) Plus, it doesn't hurt that you have, like, one of the most beautiful names ever (even if you do spell it a little funny).

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  3. Such a rotten, rotten ending to an evening that started so beautifully.

    Love the high-functioning inebriated boyfriend/girlfriend. It's so handy and should be packaged.

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  4. This is freakin fall out your seat funny. I'm glad you are no longer 'so drunk' and am seriously glad that you have found one of the few good guys in the world. You should make sure you do plenty of extra credit work to make it up to him.

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  5. Hey-does Ish have a brother? Is he single? ;)

    That is by far the best story I have heard in a long time...you are a great writer.

    Keep up the breezy elegance...

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  6. p.s. "Special homework" for extra credit is definitely needed.
    Why don't you knit Ish something?? ...wait...please don't.

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  7. Man, I’ve been waiting for a post like this, and it was well worth the wait. HIGH-fricken-LARIOUS! That was the perfect description of the “I’m-so-drunk-I-must–sequester-myself-in-this-stall-till-I-figure-out-what-to-do” moment. Ish sounds like a regular hero. Plastic bag? Genius in a moment of drunkenness. Love it.

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  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  9. Just two questions:

    1) how the hell do you, k, not know by now to NOT mix drinks?

    2)why are you still such a lush?

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  10. Ericha2@comcast.net11:59 AM, October 25, 2005

    Ok...this was the MOST hilarious recounting of a drunken stupor that I have ever read. The breezy elegance was just the icing on the cake! Thank you! It made me laugh out loud at work. My heart jumped into my chest until I realized everyone else in my very tiny office is out on tour right now...thank god, as I'm not suppossed to be doing online stuff during business hours.

    Thank you again! Wish my boyfriend were so creatively prepared in my times of need.

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  11. 2nd Martini = adding water to concentrated acid; adding baking soda to vinegar; metallic sodium in water

    There's lots of fun stuff to do wrong in chemistry!

    Also, your story reminded that in a year from now, the American Institute of Chemical Engineers will hold their national meeting in the SF Hilton. Isn't that exciting?!

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  12. Since when did throwing up become funny? I just don't get the joke. Telling stories about drunken stupors might be age appropriate for college kids, but most 30-somethings have outgrown that. Kristy, I know you're capable of wonderful writing and you're clearly bright, witty and clever, so what's with all the alcohol? Surely you can write great humorous stuff without it. Ish would be truly brilliant if he convinced you to give up drinking.

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  13. delurker - oh puleeeeze! save your self-rightous b.s. for church! try to have a sense of frickin' humor. i'd rather be with a brilliant woman who knows how to have a good time and enjoy a good martini or two, or three than some judgmental, most likely hypocritical, holier than thou!

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  14. i would like to try and diffuse the rash of "kristy is a lush" comments that are potentially coming my way by simply saying that i am not going to make any apologies for my lifestyle. not as it pertains to drinking, not as it pertains to casual sex, not as it pertains to capitalization (and my lack thereof).

    you don't have to agree with the way i live, and i don't have to agree with the way you live, either.

    (i would like to say, too, that i'm not going to ask anyone to be non-judgmental, because that'd be hypocritcal of me. i am just as judgmental about people who don't drink as they are of me because i do.)

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  15. um, so let me get this straight... now you're saying chemists can't write? who will you pick on next, us poor misunderstood engineers?

    k's well-intentioned iif - that was intended to be a joke.

    I was presented a plastic bag once by a boy, perhaps I shouldn't have dismissed him so easily.

    funny stuff.

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  16. Anon 1:41, my feelings about K's drinking have nothing whatsoever to do with being self-righteous. They have to do with genuine concern over what looks like the slippery slope to alcoholism and believe me, there's not one thing funny about that. Kristy certainly has the right to do whatever she wants and she owes apologies to none of us, but I'll bet that all of her true, real life friends worry about the consequences of her drinking.

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  17. alex is a big chemistry nerd!

    Oh, wait. So am I. Never mind.

    K, lovely post as always. I've been waiting and waiting for a new post! And I can see by the comments--i'm talking to you, RG, and Shananigans--that my IIFs have, too. :) We love you! Please keep being you!

    By the way, your word for verification today is eight letters. EIGHT LETTERS. As in, 2^3. A binary number. Isn't that neat? And long?

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  18. Kristy's comments are always so fascinating with the vision of black OR white, and never grey.

    And now, against my better judgment, I feel compelled to jump in, not so much in defense of Kristy, per se, but more in analysis of the alcoholic judgment.

    Judging by the little we know of Kristy, she is able to hold down a job (apparently doing well at it), has a host of friends who do not enter her stories with disapproving tsk tsks either in parody OR the comments (which they frequent), AND a sweet and handsome boyfriend who cares for her. And she can knit. These are a lot of activities that can not be completed if she's sneaking into the bathroom every five minutes with a hip flask.

    I see no long soliloquies devoted to how she just can't make it through the day without a Bloody Mary. I DO see some brilliant writing noting how she is living a healthy lifestyle in which she doesn't over-indulge too often.

    Regardless of whether you believe anyone to be a lush, there are some not-so-great ways to approach it. Being a close friend or family member is a good start to the intervention.

    Sigh. Carry on then.

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  19. And by Kristy's comments, I mean all the commenters on her blog, not the comments she makes herself.

    Just to clarify.

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  20. I don't want to even finish reading the comments after seeing the first Anon trash Kristy for being a lush.

    Fuck off you judgmental fuck.

    And the same goes for the rest of you who have chimed in with the "here, here's" .... I'm so pissed by this, I don't even want to read the rest until I calm down.

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  21. K, I think the mixing of alcoholic beverages falls under the "it seemed like a good idea at the time" clause. Not that I know anything about that. Seriously.

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  22. Well, it's dad, back from licking his wounds. First of all, I think delurker is a good guy (god, I first spelled it goy--that's all I need). Second of all, Kristy got her drinking from me, but of course, I was way more disciplined. I stopped throwing up from drinking at age 19. I didn't say I stopped drinking, I just said I stopped throwing up from it ('course if I had an Ish at my side, I might have reconsidered). However, you have to admit, I went out with a flourish. I threw up on Charlotte Ford.

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  23. As a recovering alcoholic, I feel compelled to respond to 1st Anon.

    If Kristy does indeed have a drinking problem, then it will be up to God, herself and her not-so-imaginary friends/family to lead her to help, if and when she's ready.
    Secondly, it is NOT for other alcoholics, recovering or otherwise to judge who does and does not have a problem; leave that to the 20 questions.
    Thirdly (is there such a word?),
    I read the account of her evening as pure entertainment. Kristi is a grown woman who realizes what mixing drinks can do, and ended up paying the price. Let's just be grateful that she and *ish* had the forethought to get into a cab instead of behind the wheel of a car. So many others don't have that kind of thought process after drinking. I too tell tales of my own adventures as a drunk-in-public person, and believe me, they are hysterical (now, after the fact). So are Kristi's!

    Kristi has invited us into her life by virtue of her blog, and has chosen to recount some of the times she's had a "few too many" in a way that is entertaining. I use the word "chosen" because we too have a choice, to read or not to read. Alcoholics, recovering or otherwise, can be self-righteous at times, but let us not forget, we've all been there, done that. We just didn't have the courage to post it for all to see, and hid behind the shame and humiliation we suffered as a result. And yes, it does take courage to post a story such as hers in such a public way, risking judgement and ridicule from others.

    Kristi, whether or not you have a drinking problem is nobodys business but your own. You are a fabulous writer, and I thank you for letting me peek into the window of your life.

    Sign me NOT anonymous -
    Lorie

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  24. Way to go, Ish!

    I once CRAWLED home from a bad evening, and my then-boyfriend nursed me as I hurled repeatedly. When he brought me a glass of water, I opened my vomit-tinged mouth and actually said, "Is this tap water?". And he still married me. ;)

    Looks like you've got a keeper, Kristy.

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  25. Not *nearly* enough can be said for the handy partner that saves his or her drunken S.O. from a horrible drunken fate. Ish *rocks*! Not only was he a great headliner, but also a hero, last saturday. I was saved just in time, whisked away to sleep it off!

    Keep on rockin' the blogosphere, Kristy!

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  26. Uh - saved by my SO, not Kristy's, just to clarify.

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  27. I've been too busy to pee for this whole month and I was starting to get stressed and crabby, but this post made me laugh so long and hard that I feel human again. Whatever it is you have to do, K., to keep writing like this, just do it, please. There's a mess of us out here counting on you.

    And Ish, two thumbs up.

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  28. Who knew??? All it takes to impress someone is a box of Hefty bags.
    I wish I knew that years a go...I went heavy into jewlery.
    Silly me.

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  29. Delurking also.

    K, thank you for sharing a well-written, funny event from your life. You are terrifically self-aware to know that this story that ends with a plastic garbage bag is probably funnier than one about cleaning your apartment. But, as a reader of your blog, I know that would be funny and honest too.

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  30. whinger, Lorie & Haji -
    Rock on.

    Judgers/Haters,
    Just. Go. Away.

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  31. Oh for fuck's sake. You just KNEW that SOMEBODY was going to take it to the "I'm so morally superior, tales of drinking are banal" level. Holy shit!

    What is that quote? You don't stop playing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop playing? Something like that. If I ever get too old to have a good time over too many (mixed) drinks and lived to tell the tale? Kill me. Please.

    Glad you had someone there to bring the bag! It's a bitch to think of those things when you're drunk and finding your own way home. Cabbies get so pissy when you ask them to pull over so you can throw up!

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  32. Ok, I'm not exactly the poster child for clean/sober living but I do know that I often tell and embelish my "drinking" stories just for the sake of humor. (I am a Leo after all) I'm not insinuating that Kristy embelishes, but I guess what I mean is if it was a serious problem for me, I probably wouldn't be using it as comic fodder and would be trying to hide it rather than put it out there for the whole world to critique. Why not just enjoy the humor in her stories?

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  33. I'm so proud of you. All that stoichiometry was not wasted. I will now go back to watching Star Trek.

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  34. Kristy tells a funny tale. She's young and having fun; good for her.

    The mother of a really dear friend does have a problem with drinking... she's on husband number 5 now... we were all at this event... and my friend's mom was schloshed... but she was hysterical and poignant. She crossed her still very long legs, leaned over the table to all of us and stuck her hand up and then crossed her fingers. With a smoke hanging out of her mouth she announced, "me n Jesus are like this!" Throwing up in a cab at 30 is charming for sure. It's even more endearing at 67. This is why some of us panic/recoil/laugh. Trying to live the let go let God thing is harder than it seems especially when you care about someone.

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  35. i've been reading here for a while - kristy you definitely have a humorous and well-written blog. i dont think i'll ever be able to present random everday situations in as humorously as you do. and with chemistry equations! amazing :-)

    that said, i dont know that delurker meant his/her comments in a self-righteous way; sounds more like concern, albeit uninvited/unwanted/unfounded concern. but i guess that's what happens when we have blogs.. ppl WILL share their opinions. *shrug* Like you said, k, you live your life and they can live theirs.

    in other news, many bloggers are participating in Blog Quake Day to raise awareness/aid for the earthquake (magnitude 7.6) that happened in South Asia on 10/8. See my post on it for links, etc: http://barsaat.blogspot.com/2005/10/blog-quake-day.html. Thanks.

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  36. Hey K,
    LOVED LOVED LOVED the story! You have such a brilliant way of bringing us right there with you. We have all gone to the bathroom to splash cold water on our way too drunk faces... by the way, why do we think that will work? We've known for awhile that Ish is fantastic and seemingly a perfect match for your breezy elegance.

    Just to make you feel a little better (in case you feel bad about it) my 48 year old husband "over did it" during a LUNCH meeting with analysts about two weeks ago and I had to leave work and go rescue him, then babysit him in the bathroom at home while he moved back and forth from the bathroom floor to the shower spewing all 12! glasses of wine plus his lunch all over me and the bathroom... all the while hiding from the children that he was wasted and trying to cook dinner... we've been together forever. This was the first and only time he has pulled a big one (he and his analysts were celebrating hitting some number or other) and as far as I'm concerned it was freaking hilarious, not a cry for help... geez people, get a life!

    Keep on keeping on K!

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  37. why is it so much less funny when *I* throw up on people??? :) This whole blog thing eliminates the need for Sunday morning apology phone calls.... You are brilliant :)

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  38. Hi K,
    Just a little story for you.
    I went to Cancun Mexico in 2002 with a couple friends. I had way to much tequilla. The bed is spinning, I am so sick. I jump out of bed ran into what I thought was the bathroom. I shut the door without flipping the light on first. Why? I don't know. I was running my hands down the wall, looking for the light switch. I was trying not to hurl until I got to the toilet. I can't find the light, Now something is hitting me in the head. It's hangers! Oh, shit I can't hold it in any longer, ooops too late, hurling everywhere. Yes, I was lost in the walk in closet! Throw up everywhere. Like I'm not humiliated enough, I have to call for my friends to find me. We didn't even know there was a walk in closet. They found me & even helped me clean the mess. Thank god for friends. I have many "I've had 3 too many" stories. Thanks for sharing your laughs with us

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  39. I think the lesson here is: never leave home for a night of carousing without a barf bag on hand. Or an Ish.

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  40. humbling, painful, cathartic, i absolutely love the event itself. just puke baby, puke.

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  41. I felt sick reading it. I knew it was coming.

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  42. now that is the kind of story i needed on my friday. i hate those sneak up on you drunks. usually, by this age (31) i'm in control and know when to quit, but sometimes...bam, the room is spinning and i'm wondering what the eff just happened. glad to know i'm not alone. lol

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  43. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

    Breezy Elegance strikes again! I love your writing. You must know you are not alone in this type of experience (me), except mine lacked the brilliant date to come up with the air sickness bag. Mine manifested as "pull over. Pull Over. PULL OVER!!!" Yes, a pretty site to be sure.

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  44. OMG - I seriously laughed OUT LOUD and I am AT WORK because your description of figuring out the "chemistry problem" in the stall at the ladies so reminds me of my evening last Thursday night!

    Except I was sitting on a blanket at a Brooks and Dunn concert... Thank God for my best friend. And for TheBoy, who just laughed when the best friend dropped me off, picked me up when I fell off the couch and went dutifully into the kitchen when I demanded, rather drunkenly, FOOD!

    I still have no idea HOW I managed to get that wasted on what I drank... I'm starting to see the logic behind your "working out + eating right + drinking less = lower tolerance" theory though.

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  45. haha, you crack me up.

    love,
    an IIF who definitely spent her Friday night entirely too drunk and was presented with her boyfriend maybe for the first time ever taking out the trash, (woohoo for him) so he could present me with a lovely plastic trash can.

    Christine

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  46. We used to live by the chemistry "beer then liquor, what the fucker". As for romance & vomit, I proposed to my wife while she was throwing up in a free clinic. We've been married for seven years now.

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  47. To anon-friend-of-Kristy's.

    I think you're making a lot of assumptions based on one night of bad judgment.

    It happens. To most of us. You're not in your usual frame of mind when you make the decision that martinis following wine and champagne is a good idea. You do it, you learn a lesson, you don't do it again.

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  48. Serrephim,

    Kristy has had more than one night of bad judgement due to alcohol. Don't act like that is a surprise to you.

    A Different Anon

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  49. I am not basing my sadness on one night of poor judgement. And, if Kristy's own history is any indication, the lesson of that night will be lost in the near future.

    It is basically taken as fact by people who actually know her, especially those who have known her for a long time, that Kristy is becoming an alcoholic - not a casual lush, but a real, bonifide, textbook definition alcoholic.

    Alcoholics can be the life of the party. Who doesn't want to be around someone engaging, witty, funny, silly, caring, and self deprecating? Sounds like a blast to me. I'd want to hang out with (and drink with) someone like that.

    For me, though, Kristy IS like that, if not more so, when she's NOT drinking. So the continued drinking, the endless martinis, the entire boxes of wine aren't the funny and engaging part of her, at least not for me. She is Kristy withOUT all of the alchohol.

    The stories she tells about being drunk are very funny. That she is becoming an alcoholic is not funny at all.

    (The Original Anonymous)

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  50. Different Anon:

    I think I may be in a better position to judge Kristy's recent history with alcohol than you are, but I may be mistaken.

    However -- do either of you, Different Anon, or you, Origianl Anon, honestly think, in any way, shape, or form, that it's being a "friend" to publicly humiliate her? And do you expect that she's going to hear your message, if indeed she has a "problem"? Which I'm not granting she does.

    If you are worried, you should address your concerns to her privately, in the spirit of true friendship, and not as an assholish cheap shot meant to embarass her.

    If you are her friends -- you pretty much suck at it.

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  51. Oh my god! I can't believe the fueds that take place on this blog! K, They are as funny as you are, hope you can laugh too! Everyone is so involved in what every one else is doing. One Persons mistakes in life does not make them a Psychiatrist. They have no right making their disappointments & regrets someone else's problem. I am a long time reader not commentor but, I couldn't help myself. Enjoy life & continue helping us laugh!

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  52. I couldn't agree more with Serrephim. If the anonymous posters here really do know Kristy, and they really are concerned about how much she drinks, posting an anonymous comment on her blog is the least effective, most hurtful way to express your concern that I can imagine. Because calling someone an alcoholic, to the entire world, without having the decency to own up to your opinion is a shitty thing to do. It's even shittier if you're doing it to someone you know out of "concern."

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  53. Got drunk at her house when i was 15(?). Loved her then, love her now. Anons: alcoholism doesn't have much to do with how much you drink. Kristy can still find her computer and type, probably pays rent, has a job... The sickness leaves you in a ditch, stealing from your parents (oh k, by the way, my big brother recently stole $10k from my parents--remember him?)

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  54. K,
    Your "conversation" in the stall sounds like something that I would have said... Nick's favorite rememberances of me drunk are of me saying, "I'm so drunk... No. I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk at all. Oh, god. I'm so drunk."

    (rreat [drunk] minds think alike... maybe it was meeting in the pool so long ago?!?!)

    xoxo

    (p.s. I love you. And I'm staying out of controversy this time... ;) )

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  55. oh, dear god... a spelling error!!! The horrors!!

    "Great minds think alike"

    (and, I swear, I haven't been drinking... doesn't go well with nursing... ;) )

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  56. okay then. couple things.

    * i have deleted a comment i thought was completely out of line. me and my life is fair game for people to judge; that's the price i pay for putting myself out there. i understand this. hell, i basically invite it.

    however. MY FAMILY IS NOT FAIR GAME.

    i don't care who you are or how close you are to me, YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY RIGHT at all to air my family's laundry, however dirty you may find it to be.

    (for the record, to have done so seems to me the very example of self-righteousness; simply saying you're not doesn't make it so.)



    * i do drink a lot: you may find this shocking, or sad, or concerning, or whatever. i know that your sentiments come from a good place.

    i would hope that those of you who do know me in real life and who "have known [me] for a long time" would actually share your concerns with me in person. why, if you're a sincere friend of mine, you would do it this way is baffling to me.

    i mean, as it is now, addressing your concerns anonymously and publicly is not helping me at all. it *is* certainly insulting me. and annoying me. and humiliating me. (thanks!) and it puts me on the defensive.

    so i feel compelled to say:

    that i am familiar, for many reasons dating way back, with alcoholism;

    that the extent to which i drink is not constant, and has not been a steady increase at all (in fact, i drink considerably less now than this past summer, and i drank less this past summer than i did when i was married);

    that i think throwing the term 'alcoholic' around is not very useful. i don't drink because i feel like i have to. i don't drink to be the life of the party. i don't drink every day. i don't drink to get through the hard stuff. (though damn, maybe if i'd been drunk with Bob last friday i'd have felt better...)

    finally, i find it interesting that you would feel compelled to announce your concern about my drinking, but not about anything else that's just as potentially destructive. like, say, my and/or my family's history with inflammatory relationships? depression? health issues? eating disorders? financial distress?

    because i've touched on ALL of those things in my blog, too.

    or is it that if i cut out drinking, none of those other things would be an issue?

    i just can't help but think that i'm hearing from you, anonymous "friend," that i would be a better person if i didn't drink. and i think i'm saying in response, "you know, i'd be a better person if a LOT of things." so i work on my stuff, and am aware of my stuff, and damn it if i don't LAUGH at my stuff.

    'cuz what else is there?

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  57. I am so saddened by how people can turn such a good thing (making many people smile each day)into such mean spirited, (guised as concern), hurtful, (same), accusations and judgments. It makes me think they really are looking for some way to take the focus off their own sad lives and issues. They probably love soap operas. I've decided my 12 step program is going to revolve around just reading your posts, Kristy, and offering my appreciation and trying so hard not to read any other peoples' posts (especially anon's) except for the people I've met and know are your friends. This will be my project because I don't think it's healthy for me to get so angry at these ***-****'s everyday!

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  58. Kristy, thank goodness for your ability to laugh. Sometimes I too wonder what else is there. Crying, maybe?

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  59. You are hilarious. I'll be back often to check on your misadventures.

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  60. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  61. A little chemistry assistance using chemicals likely to be found in any bar or restaurant...

    Let's say your first martini was equivolent to ammonia. The second martini, could then be likened to bleach. The result being chloramine... a nasty toxic gas.

    While I do not, in anyway, suggest that someone make a bleach chaser for their ammonia cocktail, I can assure you doing so would result also in vomiting. In the bar. In the bathroom. In a cab. In the emergency room.

    Cheers!

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  62. she is http://www.rubensteinpr.com/Clients/Charlotte%20Ford.htm I believe

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  63. Perhaps even more appropriately:

    Martini One (plus champagne and wine) then followed by a can or two of Red Bull...

    Mixing the alcohol (a depressant)with the stimulants found in Red Bull and other energy drinks can have a devestating chemical effect on the body.

    Oh sure, it might TASTE better than bleach and ammonia, but the result isn't much better at all.

    :)

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  64. Thank God you're not a man. If you were, you might have conducted your little "chemistry" experiment, stumbled home, walked over to your clean laundry hamper and peed all over it.

    Be grateful for the little things.

    :)

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  65. you are too funny. i had to cross my legs several times for fear of peeing my pants. and yes, crossing legs does work for boys too.

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  66. Ok, I'm delurking, too on this one.

    1. Kristi, Thanks so much for sharing your life with us! I've read every post up to this point, and greatly enjoyed each one! (Thanks, Serrephim!)

    2. Thanks for having the courage to stand up to your naysayers. As a person who grew up in a drug abusing/alcoholic home myself, I see that you are able to stop, you just make bad judgement calls once in a while. That makes you human, not an alcoholic.

    I really do hate it that folks use the internet as a way to be anonymously judgemental or assholes.

    Glad you had a great Ish by your side, to get you the plastic bag! I'm certain the cab driver is thankful, too! ;-)

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  67. I know I'm a bit behind on the lash-backs for the negative posts but in regarding to a comment delurker made about throwing up from alcohol being more "age appropriate" for college kids- come ON. Does it really make sense that it would be okay for college kids (who are mostly UNDER the legal age for drinking) should be excused, even expected to over-indulge in alcohol? Alcohol is a depressant, and as such impairs our ability to make rational decision, frequently- those involving whether or not we've "had enough." Quit judging. Whatever your habits/lifestyle, you are neither above nor below anyone- Ever. End of story.

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  68. Re: Kate's question: "Who is Charlotte Ford?"

    I certainly knew of Charlotte Ford, but Kristy's dad is MUCH older than I am, so when he threw up on poor Charlotte, I was too young to be out socializing and had to find my info on the internet.

    "Charlotte Ford, great-granddaughter of Henry Ford. Henry Ford II's oldest daughter. Sister to Edsel II and Anne Ford. Married at 23 to aging Greek shipping magnate Stavros Niarchos. Association with the so-called 'Jet Set'." In other words, she's a socialite. She's also the author of "21st-Century Etiquette: Charlotte Ford's Guide to Manners for the Modern Age".

    "At the publisher's party for the book, someone asked Ms. Ford what was the worst social catastrophe she had ever experienced. As a service toward greater understanding among the classes, we can do naught but pass on to you her verbatim reply as printed in the New York Times: "I've seen a man pick up the finger bowl and drink out of it. He was at my table. I thought, 'Oh my goodness gracious!' Fortunately, he was smart enough to look around. He realized his error and put the bowl down."

    I'm so relieved that K's dad learned his lesson.

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  69. I've very late, but GeekLove pointed out the ridiculousness of this, and I have to comment. America, specifically the remnants of the teetotaler movement, has made being a gossip respectable.

    "It is basically taken as fact by people who actually know her, especially those who have known her for a long time, that Kristy is becoming an alcoholic - not a casual lush, but a real, bonifide, textbook definition alcoholic."

    I call bullshit. Alcoholism is defined by some as a mental obsession that causes a physical compulsion to drink, by others it is a specific physical addiction to alcohol (including a genetic component). "Becoming an alcoholic" is some vague Reefer Madness, chicken-shit puritanical concept. Like the disease of depression, "being her friend" doesn't mean you can diagnose her. And using a forum like this to say "She has a problem," is just patently wrong backstabbing. Referring to her family history is evil. As in the fru-its of the dev-il. This is not the forum, and it specifically crosses a line of decorum that betrays a love of Fox News.

    I have alcoholism in my family. I drink. On occasion, I drink to great excess for many days in a row. At Oktoberfest last year, I drank 6 liters of beer and puked all over the S-bahn. I drink all kinds of things because I enjoy the taste of alcohol. I like being drunk. Yet I do not have a compulsion to drink. I have gone months without having a drink for various reasons: none of which are because I need to avoid it. I do not have a physical or mental addiction.

    If any of you Yenta's out there read the last paragraph and think I have a problem, you need to seek therapy.

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  70. Kristy, I've been off the net for a few days but am glad to come back and see you are in fine form again.

    I must encourage you in your pursuit of The Chemistry. I love The Chemistry, both in a lab and at home, experimenting with ethanol based concoctions. I ended up skimming many of your comments on this one because, once again, I don't know how you do it, but the universe seems to think your life is theirs to dissect, offer opinions on and argue over. How strange.

    You're hilarious. And, thank god for Ish!

    Laura

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  71. Oh my god! What a marvelous entry! I've totally been there, sister. Nothing comes up quite so noxiously as a wine/champagne/vodka/olive mix. (Because, whoa, I've put those together before myself)

    I trust that you, like myself, are a vodka martini drinker, darling. I couldn't imagine it any other way.

    Brilliant writing. I'll definitely be back.

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