apparently it is my fault because i do not know how radiators work. but how was i supposed to know how radiators work? i didn't have that class in school. i grew up with like, a thermostat. no one made me fill out a form when i applied for this apartment (or any apartment i've ever lived in) that asked, "do you understand how radiators work?"

so okay. remember how a few weeks ago i woke up to discover that it had rained in my apartment? where by "rained" i mean "super hot steam had blown out of a valve on my radiator and soaked half of my apartment including my entertainment unit"?

well, and then i didn't call my apartment fix-it guy because i am me. and i get weirded out about having a guy come to my apartment when i'm not there. and also i can't have a guy come to my apartment when i'm not there if the apartment isn't at least somewhat clean. and thus, i've had to go a few weeks without heat because i couldn't manage to clean my place. it's really very sad.

but finally i called the guy because man, has it gotten cold! and i called him and he said, basically, that that's what radiators do. and if it spurts water for more than like, 10 minutes, i should be worried. but not otherwise.

so i decided to go home and try and put a wash cloth over the valve for 10 minutes and see if it stopped spurting.

and it did.

which means that ya-huh. because i feared speaking to the man about my radiator in case he'd have to come to my unclean apartment, i went without heat for three weeks despite that the problem was fixable by me in under 5 minutes.

i have issues.

on the other hand, i was feeling pretty stupid about the whole thing until i got home last night and discovered that everyone in the building had been left with a note on their doors.

the note was entitled: RADIATOR DO'S AND DON'TS.

a-HA! i thought. so i'm NOT the only person who missed that day in class!

i mean, obviously this note was delivered for a reason other than my silly phone call to mr. fix-it. and plus, the note had obviously come from someplace special, since it was all typed up and photocopied as opposed to the notes i usually get from my landlady which are always handwritten in phoenetic english and copied through a fax machine on fax paper (high-tech circa 1992).

so the Magical Note from Somewhere was in fact very helpful in explaining Radiator Rules that i had no idea existed.

except i did think the tone was a little...snotty. like, i'm just supposed to KNOW that you can't turn your radiator off while the radiator is warm? i'm just supposed to KNOW that if you DO turn it off while it's still warm that you will force water to collect and spurt and leak and stuff? i'm just supposed to KNOW that the valve has to be all the way open or all the way closed, but not partially on because that will make bad watery things happen, too?

and come ON. who honestly knew that turning your radiator off while it's still warm is why radiators make banging sounds? apparently your radiator does NOT want to be turned off when it's warm and it will yell at you -- BANGBANGBANG -- to tell you so.

so all this time, there was my radiator banging out, "kristy! no! i can't go off now! turn the valve back on! on!!! allll the way!!! or else i will be forced to spit water out at you!"

and yet all i heard was "BANG. BANGBANG. hisssssss. BANG."

which makes me very sad.

because i realized that -- in addition to being oddly scared of my fix-it man, unkempt, unreasonably cold, and just plain radiator-stupid -- i am also a very poor radiator communicator.

oh. so guess what i had for breakfast this morning.

a Grande Guilt Latte. with foam.

i thought i could handle it. and i knew i had to try it. because the people i know who have had the eggnog latte have been singing its praises too loud to ignore.

go ahead. ask someone who's tried it. say the words EGGNOG LATTE and see what sort of reaction you get. eyes will glaze over. mouths will hang open. drool will form. "why??? are you going to go get one???" they'll ask, feverishly. "let's go get one! right now!"

and be careful because they are not kidding and will possibly stampede over you on their way to the nearest starbucks or peet's.

anyway, i decided i needed to know. so this morning i headed on over to starbucks and picked up a couple of the eggnog lattes for me and risey.

and? the verdict?

well, pardon my french, but steamy, foamy eggnog mixed with espresso is pretty much hot orgasm in a cup.

HOWEVER. (and of course there has to be a however. remember that part about guilt?) it turns out that even when made all fancy and hot and served in a lidded cup, i cannot avoid the classic eggnog guilt.

you know what i mean. you know the guilt. the guilt that comes from having heard The News (EVERY YEAR since forever because The News LOVES telling you this) that eggnog is the single most fattening substance known to humankind and if you drink it you will immediately gain ten pounds and clog your arteries and go cross-eyed and start limping and heaven forbid you drink eggnog with abandon because then you will simply die a horrible eggnoggity death.

and even though i try and explain to The News (in my head) that it's really okay if i have the occassional eggnog latte because it's only available ONE TIME a year, and it's not like i'm drinking chantico* or something, The News echoes its warnings of eggnog doom and i am left feeling helplessly, hopelessly guilty.

because not only did i DRINK an entire grande-sized cupful of steamed eggnog, i ENJOYED it. and thus feel like i should spend the rest of the day apologizing to The News and my body and God and all that is good and holy and sugarless and fat-free.

and no latte is worth that.




*don't even get me started on the absurdity of this being legal.