Bi-Curious Meatballs

so i appreciate that my urban family has come to the defense of my meatballs. i mean, they turned out fine and i didn't even set the kitchen on fire or anything.
[i um, did have a teensy accident with a questionably shaped candle and the resultant pink wax, though it's hardly worth noting. it's just that i am very sensitive to chopped onions, and good meatballs* require chopped onions. and while i think there's a way to chop onions so that you don't end up all teary and red-eyed and gasping for breath, i don't have any idea what that method might be. it's miracle enough i know to light a candle next to where the onion's being chopped, you know?]

[oh, right. my point was that the only candle i had on hand was a gift from Risey from japan. except it was a gag gift in that it is a candle fashioned to look like a large pink dildo.** and then i forgot i was burning the candle when i went to move the table out from the wall to give me more room and then the candle went flying and sputtered melted pink pseudo-dildo wax all over my linoleum floor. but this is all, as i said, hardly worth noting.]
i will say, though, that i am not sure what sort of "8 to 10" people the recipe's purported to serve, but i have to think they are very large people who are very hungry and might never eat again. because i made enough for a group of 8 to 10 people to have as a side dish (as meatballs are generally intended) and have enough meat leftover to make about 842 more. or so.

on the other hand, this has allowed me the rare opportunity to announce that as of this moment, i have actual LEFTOVERS in my fridge. like, something i could make an actual MEAL out of.

anyway, i think it is pretty cool that my ACTUAL family (not just my urban relations) got into the whole meatball making thing on saturday, too, completely by coincidence. (see comment by my cuznate.)

so there it is: bi-coastal meatball exploration. not exactly heartwarming lifetime movie moment-worthy, but kind of cool nonetheless.

and now i will stop posting about meatballs.

*like i'd have ANY idea

**whatever that is. hi, dad.


  1. i'm all aflutter that i got a mention in your actual blog. it inspired me to really, for reals, create a login and stuff.

    apart from that, once i maid the meatball mix, i realized, holy shit, i could feed a moderately sized sub-saharan african village for a month (and although i'm being jestful, please make no mistake that i think that the fact that's actually somewhat true is a tradgedy and i actually do some stuff to help it be less true so please don't jump all over me for the horrible first world centric gist of that sentence). so i did what any good capitalist would do, i made a metric shitload of meatballs, dammit! and they were, for the most part, eaten. and what wasn't eaten, i combined with the several pounds of cheese from our other spreads that weren't eaten. those included smoked mozzerella, gouda, some really yummy one i only remember as "norwegian butter cheese," and sharp horseradish cheddar. plus a dried mushroom broth i made with a whole bottle of nice pinot grigio (because honestly, the day after our party, i really was angry at wine). plus all the veggies, not inconsiderable in number, that made it through our veggie platter spread.

    my entire rambling point here is three-fold:

    a) hey, look at me with my new bogger usernate, er, username, isn't that cool!

    b) holy meatballs, they do add up

    c) leftover meatballs make really, really, really good comfort foody pasta and cheese dishes. i mean, really really good, and very, very, very, not good for you. did i mention they were good?

    can't wait to see you in actual real person-hood, i have a funny feeling that santa booze is in fact coming to town!

    - cuznate, but of course, with my fancy-dancy new login, i don't need to actually tell you that!

  2. Hi Kristy,

    I'm glad they turned out fine.

    Now you made me hungry for meatballs

  3. Well I don't have a blogger username...I really only visit this site because a close friend of mine started blogging and we're both so busy that it's sorta the simplest way for us to communicate -- so sad. Anyway, when I comment on her blog (which is titled "I moved your cheese, moron," in case anyone is interested), I use the "other" name of Butt -- uhh, inside joke that I cannot go into now because this comment is already extraordinarily long for someone you don't actually know.

    Anyway, I came across your blog somehoworother and it makes me giggle, so I check it from time to time. Never felt the need to post a comment til now, and even now, it's only because I've got a little kitchen tip for ya. Slice the onion in half (after you peel it, before you peel it, no matter). Then run the cut side under cold water for a few seconds, rubbing it to get the onion juice off. No more tears. I promise!

  4. From LifeHacker:
    "Cut a cone out of the bottom of the onion (where the roots come out). The diameter of this cone should be about a third of the diameter of the onion, and about 1/3 deep. Take this piece and throw it away (don’t put it down the disposal!). This piece contains the part/gland that makes baby Jesus and everyone else in the room cry when you’re chopping it up. Once you’ve gotten that piece out, chop off the top, peel, and slice the onion."

    I've done this, and it works.

  5. AAACK! Onions have GLANDS??!!?? Great, add that to my food heebie-jeebies..

  6. baby jesus. heh.

    dad, don't read this.

    k, not only was the candle pink (pint!) and shaped like a dildo, it's also supposed to be used for wax play! mmm, melty goodness... that's why it melted all over the place, silly dirl!!

  7. Kristy,

    RE: onion induced tears -- Cuizinart You might find that product familiar

    RE: pink dildo-candle wax spill solution -- I think a knitted dildo-candle placemat would solve that problem handily.

  8. OK, the "z" in "Cuizinart" was a typo. Really. I was at their website and eveything.


  9. Who MAKES meatballs anymore? Get em FROZEN!!!!
    Nuke-n-serve (have nice multicolored toothpicks to stab with. That enhances the whole experience).

  10. Hey El and Kristy,

    You know that knitting idea got me started thinking (bad idea), anyway. Wouldn't that knitted item suggested by El be a "Mock Cock Ring"? And I wonder if there is a market for that. Just thinkin'


  11. i've got another onion tip. put a metal spoon in your mouth while you're chopping them. no tears and no scary onion gland removal. glad to hear everyone liked your meatballs. so hard not to get dirty when talking about this. but i won't out of respect to your dad.

  12. It's funny that your friend brought a dildo candle back from Japan--how hard can it be to find a big pink dildo candle in San Francisco?

  13. Pinkyroo...I was thinking the same thing. I live here in SF and thought hmmmm, there's more to this pink dildo that they're not sharing. Like it's part Tamagotchi virtual pet, part Pokemon and transforms into some kind of sexual ninja.

  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  15. Oh yeah...see Kristy, I knew there'd be a funny story involved. Never a let down!

  16. Well, to explain why RiseyP went to Japan and all Kristy got was a pink dildo-shaped candle...

    As many of you know, K's ex-Boy works for a sex toy co, so it's not like I could actually ever compete with him on that front. During my trip, therefore, I searched high and low for Hello Kitty vibrators (one for K, and several for other friends who shall remain nameless...) but to no avail.

    And in general, I was having a hard time finding good gifts for K when I was in Japan. She's not into Asian art, nor really all that interested by small plastic aliens or generic anime-style toys from vending machines. And I didn't want to carry home a box of sake, so...

    Overall, the main requirement for gifts that I give Kristy is that they are pink. And I also like to embarrass her a little. So that's how it happened.

    But in case my claims to "true friend" status are under question in any way, I'll have you know that I also got her a cute little (pink) cellphone holder and a (pink) cellphone charm -- neither of which were mentioned in her blog because, face it, they didn't melt all over the place and/or practically burn her building down.

  17. that's right, Risey! they are super adorable things and i love them and they have not melted or burned or caused any damage to anything (yet).


  18. There are lots of Hello Kitty vibrators usually on Ebay. That's where I got... one for a friend.

  19. I'm with el gallo. I just use my tiny little cuisinart that has only two speeds for the chopping (or complete mushing) of onions.

    Besides my helpful kitchen hints, I wanted to wish you a VERY Merry American Christmas.

  20. and i want to wish you a merry new england christmas. i am sure you will properly observe it by drinking too much.

    (note the lack of punctuation in a nod to k's family style of writing here)

  21. Tip re: onion chopping. I wear swim goggles when I chop onions. It looks stupid but it totally works. No more tears!

  22. The best side effect of wearing contact lenses is that you can chop onions with nary a thought to shedding a tear. Swim/scuba goggles work, too.

  23. The secret to meatballs and onions - they both can be bought frozen.

    Have a very merry Christmas.

  24. all i have to say is, wear swim goggles next time you chop onions. not only does it add to the crazy cooking experience, it also saves your eyes.


  25. my only question is (beyond a passing interest in the hot pink wax contraption) - is Cuznate hot? Clearly he is funny, now we just need to see his pic so I can visualize all of the different meatball making going on.

  26. (*burp*)

    indigestion. that's where it's at!


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