So As I Was Saying

(before i was interrupted with life)

i had to go get my annual physical on tuesday. that's always fun, isn't it?

first of all, i scheduled an 8:40 a.m. appointment for no good reason. and then of COURSE i was out till the wee hours the night before. and not because i think partying on a monday night is a good thing, but it was my a cappella group's last rehearsal with one of our founding members and so we HAD to go out afterwards. and we had ourselves a grand ole' time at a charming piano bar where we sang a LOT and provided entertainment for an obnoxious group of incredibly drunk, suited men, one of whom thought it was AWESOME! that some of us hailed from the east coast and told us so approximately 800 times.

MAINE RULES! by the way.

anyway, so then i had to get up and get myself to the doctor's office despite being stressed and unprepared and very fuzzy. i left my apartment three times (that's as in one, two, three) because i kept forgetting things. like a. where i was going. and then b. my bus pass. and then c. my insurance. and c. was a bitch because i couldn't remember in which of the 5 or 6 "Places I Keep Important Documents" i'd put my new insurance information, so i had to make a mad scramble through my drawers and then couldn't remember which was old information and which was new and which provider is for eyecare and which is for dental and which is for the regular doctor (who is also my o-b-g-y-we-cannot-say-it-but-you-know-who-the-voldemort).

so i jammed 4 different (unopened) envelopes into my bag and headed out.

and sure, here's where you might want to say to me, hey krisy, maybe if you actually opened your mail you might know which insurance provider is which. but then if you did i would just glare at you because i know that, thanks, and besides i'm late.

so by the time i actually got out of my apartment building i realized i didn't have much time to catch the bus. which was problematic.

because where the bus is a normal part of everyday life for many people, it is still challenging for me. see, i'm still not very good at taking the bus. my sense of direction is not so much a "sense" as it is a "vague concept" and so i have a habit of getting on the wrong bus. or sometimes the right bus going in the wrong direction.

so rather than guess and do something stupid, i called Snarky (yes, at 8:15) to confirm what bus i should take. and she told me i could just take the "1 California" and that would do the trick. and i thought "hey! that's easy!" since i live next to california.

right?

uh huh. right. so then, i have a question for you. (especially for those of you who don't live in san francisco and who don't regularly take mass transit.) ready?

Q: On what street does the 1 California travel?

think you've got the answer?

okay, let me see it.

oh look, you ALSO said "California!"

well i am here to tell you, dear imaginary internet friends, that i have asked you a TRICK QUESTION. because in fact the official answer to "on what street does the 1 California travel" is:

A: California, some of the fucking time.

so standing on the corner of california -- all prepared to go to the voldemort's office in the right direction and everything -- i happened to notice that i was not actually standing at a bus stop. and that there wasn't a stop anywhere near me.

um.

i called Snarky back.

me: there is no bus stop.

Snarky: where are you?

me: i'm on california.

Snarky: are you sure?

see, she knows me.

me: yes, i swear.

Snarky: oh, well, you know, now that i think about it, where you are the California runs on Sacramento.

me: it does?? why? this isn't a one-way street! how am i supposed to know this? how do people know these things? how do YOU know these things?

Snarky: we buy maps.

oh. well, whatever. you probably open your mail, too.

anyway, i got on a bus and got to the doctor's office. and that's when i got the call that Healy was going into active labor after almost 24 hours of being at the hospital.

which meant that i was even more distracted and fuzzy when i arrived at the doctor's office and approached the front desk. (right on time, i should add.)

front desk lady with no sense of humor whatsoever: yes?

who starts off a doctor's office visit with "yes?" why do you think i'm here? don't confuse me.

me: i'm kristy, i have an 8:40 appointment.

fdlwnsohw, looking at her monitor: mm-hmm. and are you still living at 33--

me: no, i've moved.

because i'm not engaged anymore either, thanks.

fdlwnsohw: you are going to have to fill out this form then. insurance?

me: um, yes.

fdlwnsohw: who is your carrier?

me, digging through purse: um, i don't know...

i didn't open my envelopes on the bus because i forgot. which meant i was now rummaging through my bag and desperately opening pieces of mail to see if something was notice of insurance.

me: ...is XYZ an insurance company? does that sound right?

fdlwnsohw: are we in their network?

i don't even know if it's an insurance company, how does she think i could possibly know the answer to that question.

me: yes.

fdlwnsohw: but you don't have your card?

me, still rummaging: no.

but i do have a bill for $31.27 for the dentist i should probably pay.

dflwnsohw: here. fill out the top half of this form. you can just pay out-of-pocket today and if you find your insurance information you can have them reimburse you. here. have a seat in the waiting area.

me, totally not meaning it: thank you.

i took a seat and continued going through my mail. and then not only did i find something from a recognizable insurance company, i opened it and discovered it was actually an insurance card! oh lucky day! (but then just as i was going to march back to the humorless woman with my Bona Fide Insurance Card, i got called into the voldemort's office so i had to pass it on to the technician instead. no getting to prove my Insurance Status to the scary lady for me.)

anyway, the visit went pretty much uneventfully. except just as i had positoned myself on my back with my paper gown on and my feet in the stirrups, i looked at the clock and then burst into complete hysterics.

my doctor who was still preparing the torture device was rather alarmed.

the voldemort: uh, why are you laughing?

me: because i just realized that my sister is in the same position at this very moment!

and then i laughed more.

she didn't think it was as funny as i did, but that happens a lot.

anyway, i will end this post by telling you that the bus is even more elusive on the way back.

and yes, i got off at the wrong stop.