Hope Springs Eternal

sometimes i get emails from imaginary internet friends and they are nice and sweet and supportive.

sometimes i get emails from imaginary internet friends that are not as nice or sweet, but they are usually supportive in their own way.

sometimes i get emails from men who are smart and interesting and attractive but are geographically challenged, maritally challenged, or both.

i hold out hope, though, that maybe someday the Perfect Guy will find my blog and write me or IM me and it will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. you know? because really, i am nothing if not optimistic.

and so when this evening i received an IM from a mystery man, i thought -- maybe this could be the Perfect Guy.

or, well.

here is a transcript of our conversation.

it is completely unedited except for the guy's IM name. the italics are my inner-yippety-yap:

randomguy: hi

kristy: hello

randomguy: i like your blog

kristy: thank you

[i look and confirm that he is IMing me at my dedicated blog-IM address in my profile.]

hmmm. okay. here's someone contacting me to chat because he(?) likes my blog. taking intiative. flattering. this could be good.

randomguy: i am in fremont

kristy: those are both good things to know

well, at least i now know you read and you read my blog and you were interested enough to check my profile and to send me an IM. and you're local, as opposed to living on a different continent. so far, so good.

randomguy: :)

kristy: :)

randomguy: can i ask u any questions..and u can ask me anything

uh oh. using "u" for "you" is often a red flag. plus we have some syntactical stuff going on here with the "can i ask u / and u can". but maybe he's smart and just cutting to the chase.

kristy: okay

you can ask me questions, sure

yeah, maybe he has a serious question to ask me about my content or approach or something.

cool...do u talk abiut sex on your blog?masturbation?

kristy: lol

the "lol" slipped out there, but i had to laugh. because by "i like your blog" you are really saying "i haven't actually read your blog but i noticed you're female and in san francisco and have a readily available IM address."

that's charming. *sigh*

best be direct in my response.

kristy: no

randomguy: lol

"lol"? wonder what's funny about my saying no.

randomguy: ask me now

"ask you now" what? are you asking me to ask you if you blog about masturbation? or just about masturbation at large? because either way, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

randomguy: when did u last masturbate?

kristy: um

need to end this now.

kristy: see, here i thought we were going to engage in actual banter

i am...i guess

you are?

randomguy: i guess i thought about it...because i havent for a while

what? what are you talking about? you thought you were engaging me in banter by bringing up masturbation three sentences in?

you are unbelievable.

also, this is not a good sign, kristy. this guy is trolling the internet looking for some woman to engage him in discussion about when he last masturbated, and for some reason he chose you.

you might want to consider that...

randomguy: hello

oops, took too long to reply. guess he thought you were ignoring him. ha!

kristy: hi

how do i put this?

kristy: i'm not really interested in discussing masturbation with you

randomguy: k..havea nice evening

kristy: k


um. so maybe not the Perfect Guy.

this time.


  1. Well, I guess, NOW you actually do talk about mastrubation on your blog, so he wasn't totally off-base. :)

  2. more bad things men say...

  3. Ah, dear Kristy. I'm so sorry that there are such gross, disgusting vermin trolling your blog. Please know that there are (mostly) normal people stalking you too. I'm a huge fan. Thanks for your blog!

  4. hey Kristy I ahve to agrre with anonymous said just more stupid things men say......

    My favorite quote is "Its better to me remain silent and be thought the fool than to open my mouth and remove all dought,,,"

  5. K:
    Sick bastard, I hope he gets diarhea and a bad case of hacking cough.(sorry for the mental picture)

    Don't give up. The perfect guy is out there and I'm sure he is not abusing himself or at the very least not talking about it.

    You Rock Homey,


  6. Kristy, I just got done working the door at CAMA during the Dyke march and came home for a minute to put warmer clothes on. (you know how SF weather changes 30 degrees in 5 minutes or one neighborhood) and your my computer was still on to your blog from this a.m. I have to say that I am very open and even though I'm a lesbian, my group of friends are men, women, straight, gay, undeclared...whatever. However, to come from an event with thousands of women, with their children, family members, straight friends, and the Mission neighborhood cheering them on, it sort of burst my bubble to come home and read about this encounter you had. I'm not a man hater, and the fact is, most of my friends are straight men, but although I know there are really gross people out there, I can't figure out why they prey on your blog. I just don't understand it. This is, besides just being humorous, a very safe and innocent and uplifting and non-contoversial blog. I don't get it. Anyway, I'm rambling...I had a few of those Foster's oil cans. Take care and I'm looking forward to your b'day party. Cheers!

  7. gotta love the sick IMs. how often do these people actually get the hits they're hoping for? anyone that wants me to *type* out a blow job or whatever else is severly demented. maybe i'm naive, i dunno.

    he just wanted you to talk about him on your site and you did...and now he's masturbating over it.

    rock on.


    Sad to say but there are SOOOOO many guys out there trolling the Internet, and the first thing they ask a woman is, "do you like sex?"

    Geez, quit being so cheap and pay the $2.99 a minute!

  9. Ummm, so me, fellow sufferer of mashed-potato boob and bad, bad date sufferer? Met a boy. An awesome boy. A super-sweet, smart, funny, patient, understanding boy. Where, you ask? Online of course! It's not like I got a life in the last several weeks or anything. The math you need to consider? For ever 100 frogs you kiss, there will be ONE almost prince. You just have to keep the faith.

  10. Ummm, so me, fellow sufferer of mashed-potato boob and bad, bad date sufferer? Met a boy. An awesome boy. A super-sweet, smart, funny, patient, understanding boy. Where, you ask? Online of course! It's not like I got a life in the last several weeks or anything. The math you need to consider? For ever 100 frogs you kiss, there will be ONE almost prince. You just have to keep the faith.

  11. Kristy,

    What a jerk!You were so gracious in your response - definately more than he deserved. I love your blog and hate to read about creeps like that bugging you.


  12. Um, yeah, not QUITE perfect. And maybe just a BOY. Tha's the thing with total anonymity on the internet. I used to get IM's from names like prefect10boobs (sic) on Yahoo (one of the worst police-ers, if ya ax me) or whatever trying to start a "chat"; when I wouldn't play along with the "flirty" (to put it mildly) stuff ("How could you possibly unzip ANYthing?") they would disappear in a hurry. Then again, why couldn't the two of them have found each other? I'm always invisible now. I just haven't taken the 30 seconds to cancel IM altogether.

    On a lighter note: geez, is this going to be a trend? I have to apologize AGAIN (not for ME, but my gender). This could get tiring.

    But seriously, keep 'em coming, whimsical or no. I hope your hope does indeed spring, even from the low ebb of these last 2 entries.

  13. Welcome to the DARK SIDE......

  14. oh you guys,

    you're sweet...but really, i have been online a LONG time. stuff like this doesn't faze me at all. i just can't believe there are still men out there *doing* that. it's so trite and boring.

    the only reason i posted it at all is because it was just so classic, and happend to happen while i was writing a different/funny (soon-to-be posted) entry.

    love you all though!!

  15. um... Kristy... as long as there are men out there, they will be doing that. "doing" that has been around a lot longer than the internet. internet just makes deviant behavior easier. good to know you're a seasoned net user; always wise to be somewhat cautious and smart, right? internet street smarts and managing your way thru Amsterdam (or NYC or SF or Des Moines... )makes for smart thirtysomething'ers!!! :)

  16. I'll never forget the day when a friend of mine in school IMed me asking all the dirty stuff, not realizing I had a new screenname. Boy, were we both embarrassed when I told him who I was.

  17. Good thing I haven't taken my morning shower yet, because after reading that, I really need to take one!

    Sorry that you have some creeps stalking you. I know the feeling, but yours always seem to top mine.

    Good luck out there!

  18. Kristy,

    The timing of this is so funny...it happened to me on Friday night, claimed to be a woman, but probably a man. So, so wrong.

    But funny wrong.


  19. Masturbation....? Never heard of it! ;-)

  20. That is so so classic. What do you mean you don't talk about masterbation, with not only all who read your blog, but with all random IMers? They should really just all talk to each other. I wonder if they have a Over-Masterbaters Anonymous somewhere?

  21. For fun, you should place an ad in the craigslist's personals using that guy's IM id. Of course, you should put it in the 'men looking for men' section :-)

  22. Apologize for what wordynerd? My friends and I are the reason Kristy has a list of the worst things guys have said to her. Well, mostly me after I get a few drinks down. And although I have never met her, I'm sure I've said everything on the list. Oh, by the way, it is acutally funny people are so starved for affection they will randomly IM someone looking for sex.

  23. OH MY. Some people are just amazing. Love your posts, keep it uP!

  24. Hard to see the forest through the sleaze. Gives all us guys a bad name, then nobody trusts us. I'm a perfect gentlemen on AIM, right? But there's still no such thing as a "Perfect Guy".


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