Call From Dad

me, answering phone: hi there!

dad: how was it!?

dad has no patience for smalltalk whatsoever. if you can get him to say 'hello' or 'bye' on the phone you have worked a miracle. but he's funny anyway.

me: how was what? the blog party?

dad: yeah. did anyone show up?

nice.

me: yes, actually. a handful of my friends and a handful of new people, it was coo--

dad: you know, i tried to comment but it didn't work and your fucking blog froze my computer again.

notice how my father managed to get all the information about the blog party he needed and moved on? because though i thought i had more details to share, i was apparently wrong.

me: it's probably blogger itself, not my actual blog that's causing the problem.

dad: i think you should just buy me a new computer.

me: oh yeah, sure, no problem...

ha, ha.

me: so yeah, it was a good time. i just posted about it with diagrams.

dad: oh did you? my comment was on the post about the gym closing. i wrote:
"kiki* -- bowflex. then that refreshing after-workout glass of wine is just one room away."

me: cute. i'm sure it would've been appreciated.

dad's girlfriend, jane, in the background: did the mean anonymous show up?

me: tell her no, though i wasn't really worried. i figure it's probably some teenage boy.

dad to jane: no. she thinks it's a teenager. do you want to take the phone?

jane in background: no no. but she's probably right. i'll bet there are a lot of teenagers on her blog.

dad to me: why would teenagers want to read your blog?

me: dad, i have no idea.

and so i try and move the conversation back to the party in a way that might keep dad's interest.

me: so on thursday night i mentioned again that the comments from "dad" are actually from you. they thought that was cool. though they were a bit surprised about--

dad: i know, i AM cool.

jane in background: did you see that one girl who said that you're sexy?

dad, to jane: who's sexy?

jane in background: some commenter said kristy's dad sounded sexy.

dad, to both: oh really? kiki, jane says someone said i'm sexy. where was that?

me: i don't remember that.

dad to jane: she doesn't remember that.

jane in background: i swear someone wrote it.

dad to jane: well WHERE did they write it? kiki said she doesn't remember seeing anything like that.

me: i just don't remember.

jane in background: it was there. someone actually said it.

dad to i-don't-know-who: well get on the computer and scroll back! i could have a hottie-tottie fan out there! SCROLL BACK!!

me: dad, i really don't think--

dad: you have to find it.

jane in background yeah, we'll have to look it up.

me: maybe i will have to post a picture of you.

dad, disappointed: oh, do you have to? could you use one from maybe a few years ago or something?

me: i could use a fake one. is there someone you'd like to be?

jane in background is saying things but i can't make them out because i'm still talking to my dad.

dad, to jane: will you give it a rest!?

dad, to me: fuck it, i will have to find the comment myself.

jane in background: i'm sure she's much too young for you, john.

dad, to me: kiki, i think jane's getting jealous. i gotta be careful, you know. i don't want to piss her off. she's stronger than i am.

me: yeah, i know. be careful.

jane in background says more of stuff i can't decipher because i'm talking.

dad to jane: why am i even holding the--here, you take the phone.

jane to dad: no go ahead, you t--

jane to me on phone: hi, kiki.





*i suppose now is as good a time as ever to reveal that my nickname is kiki.