Thursday, June 30, 2005

MakeOut Kate Is RUINING OUR CITY!

you guys.

san francisco is falling apart.

did you know that?

did you know that there is a CITYWIDE EPIDEMIC?

yeah, well, i didn't either but there IS. and i never would have known! but then thankGOD the Chronicle has shed light on this very critical CITYWIDE problem.

and now i'll bet you're wondering what this critical problem is.

well, i will tell you, but prepare yourself. okay? the problem that the illustrious Chronicle has brought to our attention is: hackles.

yes. hackles.

hackles, in fact, that are being raised.

i know. it sounds very serious. the Chronicle doesn't report on just anything. seriously. raised hackles are no laughing matter.

especially when, at the heart of this raised-hackle issue, is beer.

see, san francisco holds street fairs. because for some reason, san francisco thinks that street fairs -- which bring hundreds of people together for fun times and for spending money at neighborhood establishments -- is a good idea.

but the seedy underside of these street fairs is dark.

since it turns out that when you hold a street fair for the purpose of drawing crowds, do you know what happens? right. the streets apparently get crowded.

i know.

and then also? when you offer beer to crowds of thirsty people, you know what happens then? right again. the people apparently drink beer.

isn't this shocking?

finally, according to the Chronicle, it also happens that when crowds of people drink beer they get drunk.

i mean, who could have seen this coming?

so now that this light has been shed -- that drunken crowds tend to gather in the exact locations where street fairs are held and beer tents are raised -- we have a basis for understanding the issue at stake. the issue, of course, being that the people who live next to these street fairs tend to notice the drunken crowds.

thus, hackles are raised.

and thankfully the reporters have stepped in to alert us of this. i mean, what is this city coming to? the horror! hosting street fairs to draw crowds of people to beer tents and then actually allowing crowds of people to solicit beer!

but. it gets even worse.

because as i was reading the paper, trying to contain my shock about the CITYWIDE hackle epidemic, i learned something even more devastating.

turns out that MY FRIENDS are DIRECT CULPRITS.

say it ain't so, joe.

but yes, there it was, in print and online: my friend and a cappella companion, MakeOut Kate*, caught on film as the POSTER GIRL for RUINOUS BEER PURCHASING!




[LOOK! THIS IS TOTALLY A THUMBNAIL NOW! CLICK FOR BIGGER! I'M A ROCKSTAR!!!]

frankly, i am still in awe.

i just hope that someday, together, as a city, we will be able to put this episode behind us. till then? well, should your neighborly hackles be raised, you know who to blame.



*MakeOut Kate is called this for a reason. see below.

20 comments:

  1. The best part is the girl on the cellphone next to her...

    "Oh my god, there's this girl next to me and she's buying BEER at this BEER AND WINE FESTIVAL. *pause* I know! Can you believe the nerve of some people? What's next? Bad art in the middle of the street! What's this city coming to?! *pause* You're right. We should totally move to Philadelphia. I bet this never happens there."

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  2. Ummm ... the CITY organises the fair, the NEIGHBOURS flaunt their raised hackles.

    Ergo, the Neighbours should find a new City.

    Makes sense?

    J.A.P.

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  3. I'm jealous, at most of our street festivals, they only let each person buy 2 beers. Perhaps that's a limit imposed to help keep the hackles from raising...

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  4. mmmmmmmm beeeerrrrrr

    I gotta move to SF. gota love the street fairs.....and BEEEEEERRRRRR


    Hey Kristy do they got a Long Island Ice tea tent there too....


    Ya gotta love those

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  5. Hey Kristy tell me this Does

    Make out Kate have a cute ass
    because the guy behind her is sure checking it out....

    If so set me up with her

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  6. Reporting on the OBVIOUS...good job!

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  7. Awesome! I love that you used the term "raising hackles" because you just don't hear it enough! Lol.

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  8. Wait, what the hell is a "hackle"???

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  9. Oh and happy birthday in case I forget.

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  10. Well, it's good to know that hackles are being raised in other parts of the country with regards to street fairs.....imagine the nerve of Makeout Kate buying beer ON THE STREET!!!! Well I never.

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  11. I think the hackle-raisers are merely doing their civic duty. I mean, if the city went through all that trouble to set up a sidewalk beer festival and no one bothered to show, the city would lose money and plan no more events, which would be bad for community morale and bonding. Without community bonds, people would feel no sense of responsibilty toward their neighbors, allowing crime and social ineptitude to over-run the city.
    Those hackles don't understand the potential impact of their hackling. It's selfish, really.

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  12. so, how often are these street fairs and how does one find a schedule of upcoming street fairs?

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  13. Think of all the stuff that goes on in San Francisco and the hackles are being raised by BEER. Pretty funny!.

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  14. I wish I was at a beer tent now. Buying three beers at a time ensures you will not run out of beer before you make it to the front of the long beer line again. Makes perfect sense to me.

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  15. Well, my hackles are raised! These people should be at home -- sitting on the couch, alone in the dark, with a bottle of cheap vodka. Drunks just don't have respect for tradition anymore.

    It breaks my heart.

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  16. I'm moving...so I can raise a hackle. If you can raise kids...can you raise hackles??? Who knew?

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  17. Wait, I can't see the picture. Where's the link to the article? I NEED TO KNOW! THIS IS MY CITY! MY HACKLES ARE RAISED OVER THE RAISED HACKLES! THIS NEEDS TO STOP NOW! ESPECIALLY IF IT IS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD which i think it is becaus we just had a street fair and my neighbors are home owning bourgeois FREAKS. NOT THE RIGHT KIND OF FREAKS! THE MIDDLE CLASS STICKS UP THEIR BUTT KIND! (not all of you, if you're reading, just the ones that ARE STICKS UP THEIR BUTT FREAKS IN THE HAIGHT FOR GODSSAKE like those idiots who are complaining about the public toilet)

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  18. Fantastic! See, Seattle isn't quite that advanced yet--no alcohol at our street fairs here, no siree!--so super uptight residents have to complain about something else. And that something else is nightclubs. I mean, these nice people move DOWNTOWN, to WHERE THE NIGHTCLUBS ARE, and then the poor things can't sleep because there's too much NOISE AT NIGHT! Because there's NIGHTCLUBS! And there have been! For 25 GODDAMNED YEARS!

    Ahem. Here's the article.

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  19. I totally have the exact same shirt in the exact same color as makeout kate is wearing in that picture.

    i feel somehow special now.

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