san francisco is falling apart.
did you know that?
did you know that there is a CITYWIDE EPIDEMIC?
yeah, well, i didn't either but there IS. and i never would have known! but then thankGOD the Chronicle has shed light on this very critical CITYWIDE problem.
and now i'll bet you're wondering what this critical problem is.
well, i will tell you, but prepare yourself. okay? the problem that the illustrious Chronicle has brought to our attention is: hackles.
hackles, in fact, that are being raised.
i know. it sounds very serious. the Chronicle doesn't report on just anything. seriously. raised hackles are no laughing matter.
especially when, at the heart of this raised-hackle issue, is beer.
see, san francisco holds street fairs. because for some reason, san francisco thinks that street fairs -- which bring hundreds of people together for fun times and for spending money at neighborhood establishments -- is a good idea.
but the seedy underside of these street fairs is dark.
since it turns out that when you hold a street fair for the purpose of drawing crowds, do you know what happens? right. the streets apparently get crowded.
and then also? when you offer beer to crowds of thirsty people, you know what happens then? right again. the people apparently drink beer.
isn't this shocking?
finally, according to the Chronicle, it also happens that when crowds of people drink beer they get drunk.
i mean, who could have seen this coming?
so now that this light has been shed -- that drunken crowds tend to gather in the exact locations where street fairs are held and beer tents are raised -- we have a basis for understanding the issue at stake. the issue, of course, being that the people who live next to these street fairs tend to notice the drunken crowds.
thus, hackles are raised.
and thankfully the reporters have stepped in to alert us of this. i mean, what is this city coming to? the horror! hosting street fairs to draw crowds of people to beer tents and then actually allowing crowds of people to solicit beer!
but. it gets even worse.
because as i was reading the paper, trying to contain my shock about the CITYWIDE hackle epidemic, i learned something even more devastating.
turns out that MY FRIENDS are DIRECT CULPRITS.
say it ain't so, joe.
but yes, there it was, in print and online: my friend and a cappella companion, MakeOut Kate*, caught on film as the POSTER GIRL for RUINOUS BEER PURCHASING!
[LOOK! THIS IS TOTALLY A THUMBNAIL NOW! CLICK FOR BIGGER! I'M A ROCKSTAR!!!]
frankly, i am still in awe.
i just hope that someday, together, as a city, we will be able to put this episode behind us. till then? well, should your neighborly hackles be raised, you know who to blame.
*MakeOut Kate is called this for a reason. see below.