(Bad) Things Men Say

i announced some time ago that i would be posting about the three worst things men have ever said to me.

i have since changed my mind.

instead, i think i will just periodically post about some of the more notable things men have said to me, both good ("yippety-yap") and bad (bad = wow, my version of the world is different from yours).

for example.

the night before i moved to san francisco i was with my sister in a bar in boston. and the two of us were waiting for her then-boyfriend (now-husband) to join us. we were seated at one end of the bar, and two men were seated at the other end of the bar, perpendicularly.

like this (but please excuse the diagram because my sister only has MS "Paint" and a sad, uncontrollable mouse):

(here, the men are in black and my sister is purple-ish and i am pink, and we look like we are doing some choreographed tap dance a la Shuffling Off To Buffalo but really we were just seated at bar stools.)

now, to set the stage, you must consider a few things.

first, remember that while boston is one of the more liberal cities in the US, parts of it tend to like its liberalism Old School. like, kennedys: good / them crazies out in california: bad.

second, this was about 3 weeks after 9-11. "patriotism" was rabid.

finally, i may be cute and all, but at that time i was not in the best place. i was divorcing, not in great shape, not particularly happy, and not especially receptive to men in bars. (plus i was sitting next to my 23-year old sister who was not divorcing, in great shape, seemingly happy, and charming to men in bars.)

so. the two guys are engaging my sister in conversation while being standoffish with me (and vice versa). and they get on the topic of where everyone lives. they are locals and my sister is too and oh--no, i am not.

"she's actually moving to san francisco tomorrow!" my sister mentions.

and shortly afterwards she excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. leaving me, the chubby older bitter sister, at the bar with two construction workers from south boston.

who just stared at me. while i gave the perfunctory smiles and kept drinking my drink.

until finally one of them looked squarely at me. and squinted a bit.

southie dude, thickly accented: so uh, sayn francisco, eyh?

me: yep.

the guy continued to squint at me. and think. and then offered helpful information.

southie dude: the's a lotta gays theya.


me: mmm-hmm.

much more squinting ensued, but then the guy smirked in a not-good way. and spoke.

southie dude: ah you a gay?

uh, pardon me? what did you just ask me? you, who have not spoken one word to me all night? did you just ask me if i am *a* gay? a GAY?

my mind boggled at how many things were wrong with that question. it was so completely disrespectful, i was just dumbfounded. i barely managed to eek out an answer.

me: uh. um. no....

and then both guys laughed. because isn't that so funny?

i just sat there, silently.

so okay, maybe at first this might not seem like such an inappropriate or offensive question to you. but i assure you it is.

because for some reason, this man thought it was okay to ask me -- a young woman he didn't know and wasn't even being friendly with -- about my personal life. my sex life. and also thought it was okay to generalize about me, my life, my soon-to-be home city, and also to laugh about the gay population at large.

while wearing a "9-11 Never Forget" t-shirt.

and so his question remains one of the most disrespectful things any guy has ever said/asked me. and to this day i am haunted by the fact that i didn't have it in me (then) to give him the verbal smackdown he so deserved.

but at least i've shared it here.


  1. What an asshat! This would have been a good opportunity to use a line of dialogue from my student short film circa 2002: "Yea, I'm a big dyke and I do marijuana". And then storm out. I've been waiting for a good opportunity to use that in real life. Only that would have left your sister coming back to an empty barstool opposite two assholes wondering what happened to her charming sister.

  2. You should have said "Yes, why?"

  3. i love the east.

    -el snarkster

  4. Silly girl, didn't you know that those gays aren't American™?!

    They're* part of the One World Government plot to destroy America's™ moral fiber with the lure of hot, hot man on man action.

    *Especially the lesbians!

  5. yes, yes we are el gallo. i won a car and a toaster over this year alone for my conversion work!

  6. This sounds like the near fist fight my (platonic) girlfriends and I got into with a handful of frat boy types up in Tahoe one time. The guy insisted that we were from the "Gay Area" instead of the Bay Area. We didn't know whether to cry or punch him, so we did halfway versions of each. So ignorant on so many levels.

  7. ah you a gay?

    An approriate response to that is "Men like you make me seriously consider it"

  8. a friend and I had two guys ask us that when we wouldn't return their flirting.
    we just answered yes, and walked away to flirt with other guys who didn't have idiocy and disrespect dripping from their questions.

  9. A jackass once asked me if I was gay, largely because I had long hair and wasn't interested in football. I told him, "Bend over and find out."

    How I have never had my nose broken is beyond me.

  10. ewwww, losers. Yeah, because people only move to SF to be gay. Whatever! Dumbasses!

  11. Bahahaha!
    You have captured the Southie charm there!

  12. doris day said...
    yes, yes we are el gallo. i won a car and a toaster over this year alone for my conversion work!

    See, this is exactly why America's™ moral fiber is in such danger. The One World Government Homosexual Conversion Department gives out these nice rewards for acheiving quota.

    Straight people just get refrigerator calendars.

  13. and thank you for sharing it here -- made my otherwise sucky day a little brighter

  14. Well, once a guy called me a "faggot". Some men are very confused.

  15. faville,

    "confused"? we call that "projection."

  16. "Bend over and find out."

    Go Sam!

  17. Oh wow, I've so had those nights out.

  18. Ignorant people are my biggest pet peeves. What an ass.

  19. Who wins in a verbal smackdown, anyway. Glad you shared it here tho. In some circles it's PC to ask if you're gay :) so it's all relative. I'll bet the guy's brother's gay or something like that. Take care.

  20. I agree with anon. Bars are not the place for verbal smackdown.

  21. I would have said, "Gosh no! Are you to a couple? I would have never guessed" while smiling ever so sweetly.

    But that's just me...

  22. Bah haaa haaa - El Gallo and Doris Day - too funny. Thanks K. for another wonderfully told anecdote. Love your blog.


  23. You should have said: I'm not gay but my girlfriend is.


  24. He should have said:

    "ah you a knitter?"

  25. So what wuz the problem??? I don unner stand......Gotta go "Dukes of Hazzards" re-runs are on...

  26. Sheesh.

    This ranks up there quite nicely along with something an ex once said to me. We'd been friends some years back, lost touch, got back together again in a lovey way a few years later, and so I flew out to see him. Thousands of miles. From Los Angeles to London, for pity's sake.

    And some of his first words to me?

    "Oh, I was expecting someone smaller."

    Note the conspicuous use of the word "ex" in the first graf there above.


  27. you've been married??? I got the impression you'd only been engaged. my my you must be quite quite an appealing catch to the menfolk!

  28. anonymous, i don't know if you're being sarcastic or not.

    because really, the menfolk don't always think that a twentysomething who's been married *and* engaged is such a great thing...

    the way i see it, though, i'm collecting rings. :D

  29. i love how the obvious conclusion for those asshat, egotistical types if a girl isn't drooling all over them is that she must be gay. that's the ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION, right? girl doesn't want to make babies with me?? = gay. must be.

  30. You gotta love our chah-ming men of Southie.

  31. You definitely handled this well (though a funny comeback could have been hillarious). I forget where I heard this expression (it had to be somewhere in my home territory of the midwest), but it goes something like this: 'Never wrestle with a pig.... you'll just end up muddy and the pig loves the attention.'

  32. men come and go but good jewelry is forever. nothing wrong with collecting rings.

  33. Kristy,

    Thanks you for sharing!

    Ok, here are a couple of doosies said to me recently...
    Remember I am 43, but I take good care of myself and I feel about 22. SO, one night, my best friend and I are out dancing...had a great time, closed the place down.

    This guy comes up to me at the door and says "You've still got the moves!" STILL?! WTF?!

    A couple of weeks ago, same club, a guy I'd been dancing with (who had been at a table full of pretty obnoxious college boys) stopped to say, on his way out, "You are prefectly skinny! Don't let anyone tell you different!"

    Jeez. They can be idiots.

  34. Yep those chaahming Bawstin boyz...gotta love 'em.

  35. HAAAA! Some really great responses here! As a card carrying, toaster owning, dyke myself...I can't even come up with anything nearly as witty as most of these responses. Probably 'cause I'm sobor and at work. The best I can do is to have looked at the guy with a look of puzzlement and said "didn't your sister tell you...?" Or "yes, as a matter of fact, didn't I see you two at the Back Door Lounge last weekend?"

  36. Underachiever said...
    You should have said: I'm not gay but my girlfriend is.

    I agree, but with a slight modification:

    I think you should have gone with

    "yes, and I love my girlfriend's penis because it's bigger than yours and it never gets soft."

  37. you should have said, "i have 4 pussies [cats of course] waiting for me at home! more than you'll ever see"

    just kidding, i'm wining it tonight, sorry for the lame humor.

    wine always makes me giggle.

  38. I think you should have said "actually, i'm a man". They would have had NO IDEA what to say to that. Stupifying stupid people is just so easy.

  39. Okay i have a good one for you...

    im out shaking my goove thing ... having a great time...((not drinking))... i think i was there for about 2 1/2 hours at that point and hadn't stopped... i had to go outside cause i was just so hot and needed to cool off for a sec.. so im out side.. talking to a friend that went with me.....**sidenote.. im not saying that im the skinniest thing in the world, but i do know that im not fat, or chubby... im don't going to say my weight, but im a size 4. Okay** back to story....so dumbass comes up to me...
    "Excuse me?"...
    i look at him, with a yes?...
    "Are you Pregnant?" comes out of his mouth.
    My jaw drops in shock, "Are you Joking me?" i replay with.
    ..He sits there and just looks at me...

    **OKAY ** i have 2 things that i "WOULD" say to him next....
    1. Yes, im Pregnant, and since im Pregnant i cant get anymore Pregnant, PLEASE fuck me. ((with sacrum))
    2.Its almost 1am, on a Thursday, and im at a BAR, Of course im Pregnant. ((with more sacrum))

    BUT April, butts in with, "Dude, She's a fucking twig, MY BOOB's are bigger than her waist" then we walk away.

    We go back in and Dance some more. there's some great music going on.. And THEN .. The Dumbass comes back and try's to DANCE with me ... so i stop.. And look at him right in the eyes and say,"How stupid are you?" and walk off to a different area and start to dance... im getting back into my zone and not paying attention to anyone.. When some OLD WHITE GUY comes up to me.. and try's to dry hump my leg... **** i stop dead in my moves and say, "Is that your way of trying to ask me to dance?" .."Dont do it again" ..... And i walk off to dance where there aren't any dippity dumbasses.

  40. dude: ah you a gay?

    kristy: No, but it's too bad your momma wasn't.

  41. A girl could write a book on the stupid things guys say! My beautiful friend got asked by some guy at the bar how old she was and she asked him, how old do you think I am. His reply" Your face looks young but your body looks...older" ugh...
    I had a guy spend the whole night talking about himself- pausing only to hear what my response to his question" What do you think my ETA is for getting in you?" Ugh...never in the first place but after that question...neva evva-evva!

  42. guys are pigs. Thats why I'll marry a woman.

  43. By the way...if anyone is going to be out and about during the Dyke March tomorrow, I'll be working the door and sellng Foster's oil cans at CAMA on 16th between Valencia and Guerrero. (CAMA actually has really creative and delicious original mixed drinks but this is for people to grab a can and keep on marchin'. It's not a Fosters oil can kinda bar) Come by and say hi. Should be around 7:30-ish until whenever the 40,000 women have all gone by.

  44. Gee...the witty banter of these two just amazes me.

    I've only been to Boston once, and am glad to say, there two didn'[t cross my path!

    I have been asked quite often if I am a real redhead, and if, ahem--the shoes match the handbag, and if it is true that redheads are wild in bed.

    I often say their momma taught me everything I know, or that they would need to get a physical from their doctor before they could ever find out.

  45. On behalf of the y chromosomes out there, I apologize. On behalf of 1% of them, we're not all that stupid, but about 49% are. Plus a few of the double X's. I mean, look who's in the white house....

  46. I hate that feeling of thinking of 100 smarty things to say *after* the situation passes. In this case, I think my ideal responses would be:
    * "My goodness, you seem to have an awful lot of interest in 'gayness.' How long have you enjoyed this interest, and in what ways have you pursued it?"
    * "That's on a need-to-know basis. Ask your mama."
    * "My sexual identify is something that you will never, ever, EVER need to worry your nappy little head about."
    * "Oh no, I'm like you and like all the men I can get."

    And so on. - Loopy

  47. I live in South Boston. The fact that they new San Franscisco was part of the U.S. actually made them rather enlightened.

    The joke is on them because South Boston is "gentrifying" at record pace. Although if you go into a store on Broadway it's still 50/50 that the person waiting on you has recently left Ireland.....


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