"Calmative" My Ass

did you know that i don't own a digital camera? i don't. it's sad.

(hi, someone's birthday is coming. hint, hint.)

if i did own one, i would take a bazillion pictures.

in particular, i would take a picture of this line from my jar of "calmative" sugar scrub from bath & body works:

caution: may make tub slippery

and i would post the picture at the beginning of this entry, and you would know right away where i'm headed.

so anyway, just pretend it's there. 'k? and here we go...

i don't take a lot of baths even though i think it's required of girlie-girls who are single and have cats and candles and own movies like when harry met sally and are water signs. i'm trying to get better at it.

and i mean, i do like them, i just think they're kind of a hassle. between cleaning the tub and deciding what i'll do while i'm in it (read a book? a magazine? what if i get it wet? do i have a book i wouldn't get upset about dropping in the water with me? 'cuz i will. maybe i should just listen to music? do i have to move the cd player into the bathroom or can i just turn the stereo up loudly from the other room? where is the power cord for my cd player anyway? fuck it, i'll use the stereo. wait, is that too loud for my neighbors? hey, do i have a water-resistant neck pillow?) and picking which of the nine million bath-related products i own i should actually dust off and, you know, use.

anyway, after a long weekend i decided i would finally use the fancy eucalyptus-and-spearmint-oil / brown-sugar-body-scrub my sister got me for christmas. (that's as in 5+ months ago. whatever.)

thankfully, it provided directions, too, because i get a bit overwhelmed by the various things bathstuffs do. like, whether you are to put them in before you fill the tub. or after. or during. and how much you're supposed to use. (like i still hesitate before using an entire vial of bath salts because it just seems wrong; when i was a kid and we used to take bubble baths, we weren't allowed to use more than ONE CAPFUL of anything -- it was alway the Official Bath Rule, you know?)

but in the case of this jar, the stuff said to massage in a circular motion from the ankles up. and that i would then feel the "calmative" powers come over me.

(note: i actually had to look up the word "calmative" because i thought it was a bullshit marketing word -- and you KNOW how those marketing people are.)

but it didn't say whether i was supposed to be in a bath or in the shower to use it. or how much i am supposed to use. (and i hate when the directions say "use generously" because left to my own devices, i'll end up covered in way too much of whatever it is.)

hmmm.

i actually had to stand in my bathroom and really think about it. do you ever have those moments? where you suddenly realize you are expending your otherwise capable mental energy on something you shouldn't be? where you suddenly question how you ever managed to graduate with a fancy college degree. why, yes, i can whip up an impressive honors thesis and um, no, i'm not quite sure how to bathe myself properly. russian formalists? fascinating subject matter. oily sugar scrub? confounding.

but i digress.

after giving serious consideration to what a "scrub" must be, i determined that using it in a bath (i.e. submerged) might not be so useful. in fact, i wondered if i even needed to be in the tub at all to use the stuff...

...but then i remembered the clever clue the jar gave me. (do you? because i feel like i started this post like nine years ago.) right!

caution: may make tub slippery

ah-ha.

not underwater + in the tub = use in the shower!

and thus, once in the shower i opened the jar, smelled the calmative smell, and grabbed a "generous" handful of oily scrub and started applying it in circles at my ankles.

oooooOOOOOoooooo. feels good!

(hmmm. smells tasty, too. i wonder if its edible. not that i would eat carbs by the handful, but still.)

i continued upward toward my knee.

and then with my whole lower left leg covered in brown sugar and oil, i rinsed.

which is where i discovered what bath & body works means when it says may make tub slippery. it means that if you allow for the oil to touch anything inside the tub, you can no longer move one inch because if you do you will slip and die.

and hi, if anyone is capable of slipping and dying in the tub, it's me.

and knowing this, i did the only reasonable thing there was to do. i slooooooowly lowered myself, gripped the sides of the tub, and sat my ass down in that shower. oh yes i did.

and so while sitting there, i had to ponder a question i never saw coming (college totally does not prepare you for this shit, i swear*): my god, that sugar scrub feels good, but gosh i'd like to not kill myself using it. what can i do to make the tub bottom unslippery enough to be able to use the scrub and SHOWER like a normal human?

and after some consideration and lengthy discussion with my cat, who loves to hang out in the bathroom with me when i shower to watch me not be afraid of water, it occurred to me (yay!) that a washcloth would probably do the trick. yes! a washcloth! i could lay a washcloth on the bottom of the tub and could stand safely on it and could then hopefully return to feeling the calmative effects of scrubbing death-defyingly slick sugar on my extremities. phew!

um, but then it also occurred to me that the washcloth was hanging from the shower curtain. definitely not within reach.



not wanting to give up, i tried throwing soap at the washcloth to knock it down, but all that did was scare the cat.

so eventually i had to turn the water off (from the sitting position), and then carefully CAREFULLY lift myself out of the bath. whereupon i got the washcloth, put it in position, and re-turned on the water. and i then took my place on the washcloth...and...it worked! i was able to finish scrubbing myself completely, which gave me great pleasure.

i definitely felt the calmative effects then, but perhaps only because i do not like to leave things unfinished (even in the face of a potentially fatal bathroom injury) and i was pleased that i had successfully conquered a most complex bath product.





*neither does algebra, which i'm still totally bitter about having to learn.