More Instruments To Take From Me When I've Been Drinking

i don't want to alarm anyone, but this is actually going to be a post about knitting.

well, sure, knitting and drinking but whatever. technicalities.

so yeah. knitting. i'm even wearing my Yarn Ho t-shirt today (and i probably shouldn't admit that wearing the t-shirt makes me feel cool, like i'm in some sort of secret badass society where the words "yarn" and "ho" mean something cryptic and profound a la it's a yarn thing, you wouldn't understand except, as i said, cool).

anyway. first i will tell you about the thing i knitted and didn't fuck up.

and that would be a really cool scarf i made for my friend, DG whose birthday party i went to last night (this will be pertinent later when we get into why i shouldn't drink and take photos but please, let's stay focused on knitting).

i wasn't self-assured enough to make this scarf because it involves PSSOing and such, and really i'm just barely comfortable with YOs.

(aren't you totally impressed with my secret badass code?)

so i bought big rowan wool and used gimungous needles (35s, people!) and did a turkish (badass, no? "turkish" -- like i'm in the CIA or some bond movie or something) stitch and made DG a nice scarf.

in case you're wondering, knitting with 35s is kind of like eating soup with a serving spoon.

and so--WAIT! WHAT'S THIS!? PICTURES??? RELEVANT TO MY STORY??? yes, folks. i actually have started taking pictures of things i write about. miracles happen.

so like, look! here's a picture of the needles i'm talking about!

(i did not suggest that my pictures would be, in any way, good. or interesting.)

well and fine. truth be told, i had to include the picture of the needles because it's not blurry whereas the pictures of the finished product kind of suck because i hadn't been shown how to use such things as "flash" on my camera yet. (more on that below.)

so here's the stitch, which you totally can't make out (oh, but? you can totally click on these for larger images, meaning at least i can figure out how to thumbnail pictures now which almost makes up for not knowing where the flash is. almost.):

and the finished scarf:

('cuz i know you IIFs love my cheetah-print chair!)

so right. that was my latest successful knitting project.

but um. remember like a hundred million years ago when Snarky decided that i should make her the impossible chemo cap because it is ribbed for her pleasure? and i couldn't turn her down because she's such a good friend that she'll wear her CondomHat?
well, i finally finished it.

it has some issues.

see, what they don't show you in the stupid pictures of the chemo cap is that the top of the cap is also patterned. differently. and it's hard. and there is so so so much counting.

and of course, when i got to that part, there was so so so much wine.

so sure, from the side? straight on? the cap worked out. i mean, here's Snarky wearing it, even! just last night!

cute, huh?

but then there's the top part.

APPARENTLY, the top is supposed to look kind of like...i guess like a star? whatever, little ribbed things somehow branch out from the center of the cap. but since this is indicated IN NO WAY in any of the instructions or photos, i didn't know that until i was done knitting it.

and only once i was done knitting it did i realize the extent to which i screwed it up.

like so:


lesson? do not attempt knitting in the round with size 5 needles when there is counting AND wine.

ignoring that for a moment, however, did you notice that you could actually see Snarky and her hat in the pictures? and that the pictures weren't blurry?

that is because i discovered last night (after a cocktail or two) how to use flash*. and i celebrated this fact at DG's birthday party by taking a quadrillion pictures.

oh, and lemme tell ya', they are GREAT photos.

much like i should know to put the knitting needles away as soon as the second glass of wine is poured (which, by the way, is totally NOT bond-like, since bond gets even more badass when he drinks his non-stirred martinis whereas i have two glasses of wine and lose my ability to tie knots on sticks), i should also know when it's a good time to put the camera away.

or else things will happen like i will end up with not one but THREE (as in one, two, three) pictures of...

...wanna guess?...

...nope! not my non-date!

nope! not my my friends (though there are roughly 962 shots of the same three people posing in the same way).

and nope! not the bar, the bartenders, the gifts, or anything else one might take pictures of at a bar-based birthday celebration.

no. because i? i took three pictures of the table candle.

one must assume there was a reason for this. and i would be happy to hear suggestions as to what that reason may have been.

in the meantime, i need to find a new knitting project.

*actually, i didn't so much discover it...but the guy i was on an internet non-date with did. he showed up and was very quiet and aloof (totally cute though) and when he asked why i was taking pictures without the flash i said, 'because i don't know where it is.' he then took my camera from me and clicked it on. i will probably never see him again.


  1. Ha! I actually just finished a project that had a lot of psso. Totally scared me to begin with, but the i realized its soooooo easy.
    Now if only i could figure out how to caston in the middle of a project.

  2. you took the candles picture because it asked you to. duh. and god, do i love that chair.

  3. Im glad you like the camera I cnt wait to see more pics and some of you too...

    brian the photo nut

  4. Your internet non-date served his show you where the flash was. He will now return to his regularly scheduled life and you will now know how to work the flash :)

    It all happens for a reason.

  5. OK seriously...I die laughing everytime I read your blog. You have a gift for humour.

  6. Love the hat, love the scarf. You're a knitting guru!

  7. why is your table candle so damn sexy? looks like something from good vibrations. Oh and you mispelled crytic

  8. Maybe you took pictures of the table candle because it slightly resembles a petrified man-sack? Perhaps that led you to think of something funny relating to blue-balls?

    I'm not saying I thought that when I saw the candle.

    Ummm...where's my wife?

  9. I would be PROUD to wear anything this winter in AFGHANISTAN that you made. No matter how F***ed up it was.
    (non-subtle begging hint)

  10. Oh no...Dan's back..."petrified man-sack"? "Blue Balls?" uh... again "petrified man-sack"???? Dan are you really a 12 yr old pubescent pretending to be a grown man? 'Cause it ain't workin'. One more time..."petrified man-sack"?????

  11. Um, actually?

    I took those pictures of the candle.


  12. So how much did DG love her scarf???

  13. Scarf looks awesome Kristy. Try some socks...

  14. One thought about the out of focus pictures thing.

    Open up the picture in your favourite photoediting software, and look for something called an "Unsharp mask" filter (should be in the Filters menu). It won't cure all ills, but it can help a lot.

  15. isn't i a purty one? i can here my mother now... "why do you have to make a face? can't you tke just one nice picture? look how nice k looks!" yeah, thanks. my mother so love you beter than me.

    -el snarkster

  16. gah... "hear", not "here"

    -el snarkster

  17. *sigh*
    "better" not "beter"

    -el snarkster

  18. The reason for the pictures of the candle is art. Just look at the contrast in color, the splash of blue on the orange background, an oaisis. Much like figuring out the flash is an oasis, a relief from dark blurry pictures.

    It's all very symbolic.

    Or wine induced...

  19. wine with knitting always seems like a good idea, but so very rarely is. never fear, my first attempt at a hat with pretty decreases sucked worse than yours by far. next time around it will fall into place (barring the wine... it can be a deal breaker!).

  20. love the chair. love the scarf. love the hat. you're becoming quite the little knitter. oh right, and photographer, too! :-)

  21. HeeHee, Snarky, I love that name!

  22. All this talk of petrified man sacks and Good Vibrations gives me a great idea: your next knitting project can be a dildo cozie for me. You can get right to work with those sexy 35s.

  23. laughing madly at your candle. and the guy who helped you turn on your camera. loveit. loveit loveit. :)


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