More Instruments To Take From Me When I've Been Drinking

i don't want to alarm anyone, but this is actually going to be a post about knitting.

well, sure, knitting and drinking but whatever. technicalities.

so yeah. knitting. i'm even wearing my Yarn Ho t-shirt today (and i probably shouldn't admit that wearing the t-shirt makes me feel cool, like i'm in some sort of secret badass society where the words "yarn" and "ho" mean something cryptic and profound a la it's a yarn thing, you wouldn't understand except, as i said, cool).

anyway. first i will tell you about the thing i knitted and didn't fuck up.

and that would be a really cool scarf i made for my friend, DG whose birthday party i went to last night (this will be pertinent later when we get into why i shouldn't drink and take photos but please, let's stay focused on knitting).

i wasn't self-assured enough to make this scarf because it involves PSSOing and such, and really i'm just barely comfortable with YOs.

(aren't you totally impressed with my secret badass code?)

so i bought big rowan wool and used gimungous needles (35s, people!) and did a turkish (badass, no? "turkish" -- like i'm in the CIA or some bond movie or something) stitch and made DG a nice scarf.

in case you're wondering, knitting with 35s is kind of like eating soup with a serving spoon.

and so--WAIT! WHAT'S THIS!? PICTURES??? RELEVANT TO MY STORY??? yes, folks. i actually have started taking pictures of things i write about. miracles happen.

so like, look! here's a picture of the needles i'm talking about!



(i did not suggest that my pictures would be, in any way, good. or interesting.)

well and fine. truth be told, i had to include the picture of the needles because it's not blurry whereas the pictures of the finished product kind of suck because i hadn't been shown how to use such things as "flash" on my camera yet. (more on that below.)

so here's the stitch, which you totally can't make out (oh, but? you can totally click on these for larger images, meaning at least i can figure out how to thumbnail pictures now which almost makes up for not knowing where the flash is. almost.):




and the finished scarf:



('cuz i know you IIFs love my cheetah-print chair!)

so right. that was my latest successful knitting project.

but um. remember like a hundred million years ago when Snarky decided that i should make her the impossible chemo cap because it is ribbed for her pleasure? and i couldn't turn her down because she's such a good friend that she'll wear her CondomHat?
well, i finally finished it.

it has some issues.

see, what they don't show you in the stupid pictures of the chemo cap is that the top of the cap is also patterned. differently. and it's hard. and there is so so so much counting.

and of course, when i got to that part, there was so so so much wine.

so sure, from the side? straight on? the cap worked out. i mean, here's Snarky wearing it, even! just last night!



cute, huh?

but then there's the top part.

APPARENTLY, the top is supposed to look kind of like...i guess like a star? whatever, little ribbed things somehow branch out from the center of the cap. but since this is indicated IN NO WAY in any of the instructions or photos, i didn't know that until i was done knitting it.

and only once i was done knitting it did i realize the extent to which i screwed it up.

like so:



yeah.

lesson? do not attempt knitting in the round with size 5 needles when there is counting AND wine.

ignoring that for a moment, however, did you notice that you could actually see Snarky and her hat in the pictures? and that the pictures weren't blurry?

that is because i discovered last night (after a cocktail or two) how to use flash*. and i celebrated this fact at DG's birthday party by taking a quadrillion pictures.

oh, and lemme tell ya', they are GREAT photos.

much like i should know to put the knitting needles away as soon as the second glass of wine is poured (which, by the way, is totally NOT bond-like, since bond gets even more badass when he drinks his non-stirred martinis whereas i have two glasses of wine and lose my ability to tie knots on sticks), i should also know when it's a good time to put the camera away.

or else things will happen like i will end up with not one but THREE (as in one, two, three) pictures of...

...wanna guess?...

...nope! not my non-date!

nope! not my my friends (though there are roughly 962 shots of the same three people posing in the same way).

and nope! not the bar, the bartenders, the gifts, or anything else one might take pictures of at a bar-based birthday celebration.

no. because i? i took three pictures of the table candle.









one must assume there was a reason for this. and i would be happy to hear suggestions as to what that reason may have been.

in the meantime, i need to find a new knitting project.



*actually, i didn't so much discover it...but the guy i was on an internet non-date with did. he showed up and was very quiet and aloof (totally cute though) and when he asked why i was taking pictures without the flash i said, 'because i don't know where it is.' he then took my camera from me and clicked it on. i will probably never see him again.