Friday, August 12, 2005

Hard To Believe I'm Still Single

i must've been out that day because i totally missed the Life Class on How to Keep a Stocked Refrigerator.

i have absolutely no idea how people do it. it's baffling to me.

i mean, i would love to be able to be all dramatic and tragic and chalk this problem up to my having Food Issues, but that's just not the case. i honestly think it's more a matter of not knowing when i'll be home, or what i'll be in the mood to eat when i am, and not wanting to buy tons of stuff i'll just have to throw away.

because you know what the opposite of this

is, don't you?

it's having every single square inch of your fridge filled with food and condiments and leftovers that you will never, ever touch again...but that you don't throw out because that would be "wasteful."

of course, we need to be clear here. stuff accumulates in the fridge at first because throwing it out would be wasteful; eventually you don't throw it out because you're afraid that if you go to pick it up, it will show you that it's grown legs and is capable of actually running away from you.

and having perhaps maybe gone that route in my life maybe possibly, i now err on the side of going to the grocery and saying things like, "am i really going to eat this whole thing?" and if my answer is no, i don't buy it.

the exception to this rule is if i'm preparing to cook a meal for a special occassion (the special occassion usually being the fact that i am going to cook a meal). and then i will buy things i know i will probably not finish but definitely need.

and so you have what equates to the current state of my refrigerator.

and, well, the current state of my Single Older Chick-hood, as below:



  1. i am not sure why i felt the need to ensure that the butter take up as little space as possible, since if it wanted to, the butter could spread itself across three refrigerator shelves and not run out of room. but there it is, compact on its side. allowing room for other groceries should they suddenly appear.

    for the record? i have no idea when i bought this butter. or why. i think it was for something i made for thanksgiving.

    i am not kidding.


  2. this goat cheese i bought on a whim a few weeks ago, because i adore goat cheese. why i bought this kind instead of a fresher kind, i don't know. as i said, it was kind of an impulse purchase.

    some people impulse-buy people magazine. i impulse-buy chevre. whatev...re.

    oh, and?


    check it. only one week overdue. aren't you proud?

  3. yes, well. this is in fact the boxed wine that Brian of the Boxed Wine brought to me as an early birthday present. in june. and i will have you know that i went home and opened it and drank -- over the course of several days -- most of it.

    but i'm not really sure how long boxed wine keeps once opened. so after about two weeks i decided i probably shouldn't drink any more of it.

    so why didn't you throw it away, then?

    good question. and um, well.

    the truth is, i didn't want to throw it away because it looks so good in my fridge. the box is big and elegant and takes up space that would otherwise be barren. every time i open my fridge door, it's as though the wine is saying to the rest of the full-fridge world, "hey! who needs groceries when you have invisble friends who buy you wine boxes?"

    and isn't that a nice thing for it to say?

    what? your boxed wine doesn't talk to you?

  4. you would think that, given how easily accessible my fridge shelves are to clean, that i might, you know, clean them?

    i am pretty sure this spot is from the sangria i made for a party. last october.
anyway, assuming you are still reading this entry (because if reading about how completely insane i am with special regard for the paucity that is my fridge isn't a thrill-a-second, i don't know what is), i would like to take a few moments to point out that there are, in fact, additional items in my fridge door.

items that speak, in varying degrees, to the likelihood of my remaining single forever.

and so i give you now...


Exhibit A:
this is a bottle of raspberry viniagrette salad dressing.

i bought this dressing to go with the salad i made that accompanied the first full-fledged dinner i prepared in my then-new apartment. almost a year ago.

see, i decided to make an actual meal for TheBoy, because that's what girlfriends do, especially when they are proving that they actually can be incredibly skilled at domesticity if they really want to be.

and though i thought i'd done a pretty good job of pulling my act together, when i asked him how he'd liked the dinner, his response wasn't what i'd hoped.

me: so? what did you think?

TheBoy: um, it was good. [pause. pause.] i don't think you should do it again, though.

me: was it that bad?

TheBoy: no, it's not that. it was just...it seemed like an awful lot of work for you.

sigh.

guess my breezy elegance finds its way into my attempts at domesticity, too. only here instead of tripping and falling, it invovles me being so out of my element making dinner that my boyfriend felt totally uncomfortable.

oh, and? speaking of breezy elegance...

Exhibit B:
this is a bottle of classic viniagrette salad dressing.

i bought this dressing to go with the salad i made that accompanied the second full-fledged dinner i prepared in my apartment. about five months later.

this time, i invited TheBoy, el_gallo, and DG for dinner on the idea that it wouldn't be too hard if i just made a fondue. and mostly it wouldn't have been, except for that fucking breezy elegance (again) which crept in at the last minute. somewhere around the time i realized i needed to remove the steaming broccoli from the stove but don't actually own potholders.

which would be the same time i oh-so-breezily decided to improvise and just use my dishtowel.

which would be the time i set the dishtowel on fire.

i did manage to put the fire out, but had to throw the broccoli away. you don't need to be a domestic goddess to know that if your broccoli's so mushy you need a spoon to pick it up, you probably shouldn't.

um. anyway, getting back to our point, i haven't thrown these bottles away yet because...

actually, i don't know why i haven't thrown them out, but here's a picture of what Classic Viniagrette dressing looks like after a few months:




moving on.

Exhibit C:
this is a bottle of Rose's Lime Juice. it is one of the limited items in my fridge that i will now refer to as Active Groceries ("Active Groceries" = groceries that are not expired and are consumed with any sort of regularity).

granted, it's an Active Grocery only because i also have vodka in the freezer. but whatever.


Exhibit D:
just when maybe you thought i couldn't show more evidence of having the World's Most Man-Repellant Fridge, we come to this.

this is a bottle of water i keep in the fridge and refill regularly from my filtered tap.

but not for me.

it's for my cats.


Exhibit E:
this is the second Active Grocery in my fridge. it is a bottle of horseradish sauce that i keep because if i could i would put horseradish sauce on pretty much everything.


and there you have it -- the reason the guy at the indian food restaurant knows me so well...



60 comments:

  1. What about the freezer? I'm betting there's a bottle of vodka in there.

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  2. I'm impressed that I actually guessed salad dressing and marguerita mix in the fridge door!

    Either I am getting a little too insightful into who you are or I need a life. I'm guessing it's the latter of the two but I'll let you know.

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  3. and I saw the 'stain' but was too polite to point it out.

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  4. I'm consumed with envy here. I want a box of wine and a fridge with funny stories, not a fridge crammed full of crap my children are refusing to eat as leftovers which are leftovers because they refused to eat them in the first place and haven't yet figured out that it would be secretly fine with me if they snuck the leftovers out to the dumpster while I was showering, really, because then I could order a damn pizza instead of feeling honor bound not to waste the leftovers.

    *sigh*

    I don't really think I have breezy elegance in the kitchen so much as breezy WHAT I am KNITTING and aren't you old enough to cook yourself dinner yet for god's sake? No? Then quiet, I'll figure something out at the end of this row. I'm thinking.... Kraft.

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  5. hey. out of randomness, i saw your blog. if it'll make you feel better about yourself, i also buy stuff that rot in my fridge. like the cute and adorable cream cheese thats been there almost 2 years. im scared to touch it coz im thinking i might break the natural membrane it wrapped itself with to avoid annoying me with its foul smell. unbeknownst to the poor cream cheese, im twice as scared of it as it is of me. so now we have a sort of symbiotic relationship with each other: i keep it tucked in from the cruel garbage world and it shoos aways people who attempt to steal the chocolates in my fridge. everybody happy.

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  6. This post made me hungry.

    Oh, wait... maybe the hunger actually stems from the fact that it's 12:25 and I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday because, well, my refridgerator looks remarkably like yours and I have only $5 to my name, which I'm saving for a trip to Starbucks.

    It's called priorities, people.

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  7. My raspberry vinagrette dressing looks exactly the same. The layers are very pretty and I am hoping that they will harden into a sedimentary rock type amalgum that I can break out of the bottle and use in my aquarium.....

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  8. I also give my cat chilled, filtered water. Mainly because I keep filtered water in the fridge for myself, and he prefers chilled water, so if I'm drinkin' it, his feet are going to end up in it (my cat drinks water by licking it off of his paws).

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  9. Are you certain the opposite of an empty fridge, such as this, is one filled with food & condiments and leftovers that you will never, ever touch again? :) I bet breezy elegance might just have a couple apples in there next to some super fresh mozzarella cheese, maybe some grapes and a pear... a tomato... not too much because going to the market often is a time to exercise loving discipline over choices. Get known by your produce dept people and the next thing you know Kristy you'll be an expert on freshness, ripeness... refusing strawberries with white shoulders... You needn't fear being wasteful because you'll learn portion sizing that works for you. Ask the butcher to help you pick out something perfect for you... then he'll always keep an eye open for something just right for you. It's simple pleasure, but this does make dining (eating) beautiful... and chances are if it's beautiful, it will be relatively healthy, you'll be making the inevitable happen. Or don't. :)

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  10. hi anon,

    i hear what you're saying, but i am certain that for *me* the opposite of my barren wasteland of a refridgerator is, in fact, one filled with lots of stuff i'll never touch.

    depite what it looks like, i understand how produce works. i just don't have the hang of shopping for Food for the Week. i shop instead for Food for Tonight. thus, the long-term refrigerator tenants remain few.

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  11. I'm just such an impulse shopper it's pathetic. I just went to the grocery store to get my roommate a birthday cake and somehow ended up with 5 bags of stuff, including the all important cranberry juice for cosmos!

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  12. My fridge is really the opposite. There is a freezer compartment at the top, which I never used, and time went by it accumulated ice. Well, quite a lot of ice, actually. The more ice it amassed the less inclined I was to thaw it out because I thought it would take ages and the milk would go off, leading to a terrible tea-making crisis.

    Earlier this year the point of no return was reached. The top quarter of my fridge looked like that icy palace that superman kept returning to to commune with his ancestors. So I really had to thaw it out.

    And yes, it did take ages.

    After a couple of days of thawing most of the ice detatched itself and came away in a huge berg. It was the mother of all ice cubes. I even took a photo of it as evidence.

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  13. Thanks, Kristy... Actually, I hear you loud and clear. it IS tricky, meal planning, cooking... I just have learned that no matter how it's sliced, meal planning has to happen in order to make inevitable happen... And it's a real pain in the neck sometimes. Love reading you, by the way. Delightful. Take care.

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  14. Since I'm the only unemployed person blogging here, I don't know anything about fitting in time to cook and all that, because I have lots of time. Sigh.

    But where's the left over indian take out? I didn't spot any styrofoam containers.

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  15. K... that camera is a godsend. Your sister rocks.

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  16. Not to worry! I once prepared a dinner for my then-boyfriend in an effort to impress. When I asked him how he liked the meal he also paused before replying that it was good, but seemed like too much effort.

    The moral of the story is, he married me anyway. We eat out a lot. On rare occasions, I bestir myself to nuke something.

    When the right guy comes along, he won't expect you to cook either.

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  17. I too want to see the freezer next. And how about the cabinets?

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  18. can i link you to my blog? dont worry, im overweight too, so no judgements here. =)

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  19. What's next? Pictures of your sexy panty and bra drawer I hope.

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  20. You know, we live in a city where you can get any type of food from anywhere in the world, for less of a cost than it would take to cook a simple meal. My refrigerator looks almost identical to yours except for the piece of mold on the side in the shape of Elvis that I'm thinking about telling the Nat'l Enquirer about and charging the flocks $2 a piece to view it.

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  21. Oh and anon who suggested the "a couple apples in there next to some super fresh mozzarella cheese, maybe some grapes and a pear... a tomato..." we can get that one day at a time without having to waste time stocking up at a market and chatting it up with the butcher just to have things spoil and go to waste in the refrigerator. I guess if you live in the burbs, or a small town, it's efficient, however where we live, every corner offers these things, fresh every day. You keep alluding to "the inevitable". Why not just say what you mean? I've actually found, having an empty refrigerator and eating healthy meals outside, prevents the walking by the refrigerator at all hours and "just grabbing a bite".

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  22. Thank you, Shull. Makes sense on the empty fridge/healthy eating thing. ... Kristy spoke of inevitablity earlier and the word stuck like neon flashing ... presumptuous on my part to think that was clear. The blog's about a woman's wrestling with weight, weight loss ideas and reckoning with peace of mind and calm. I can relate to that. What Kristy writes sparks journal writing type - or heart felt - responses. If it sounds preachy or judgemental - dang! Nothing worse!

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  23. I'm glad there's more stuff in the door. A two person intervention just didn't seem all that effective. It's good to see that the butter has lots of friends for support.

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  24. Oh, and I'm pretty sure the wine is still OK. Worst case scenario, it tastes a little more vinegary. But the alcohol content is high enough that nothing dangerous is growing in it.

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  25. I am also jealous of your fridge... I live in a student flat - ha ha ha! We have 5 bottles of milk; 5 tubs of feta; 3 bottles of tomato sauce and so it goes. At least you don't have to label your cheese!
    We could just buy groceries together and share, right? You would think we would be able to get that right! :)

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  26. Food sharing stinks. You come home from work, stomach grumbing in anticipation of eating, and then you find out the food item you were looking forward to has already been eaten. But that wasn't my point.

    Since I live in the barracks on base, I have the opportunity to study the fridge contents of a large population of males. With a few exceptions, their fridges look exactly like yours except that they also have beer. Oh and no fancy condiments like yours, they have ketchup, mustard, and BBQ sauce.

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  27. i was about to ask, "hey, what's up with all the snarky comments lately?" but then realized that my snarky posts probably beget snarky responses. so totally my bad -- i will work on my positivity.

    that said, a few thoughts...

    * yes, anyone can link to me. just know that i do a notably horrible job of linking elsewhere for no good reason.

    * shull o'fit, thank you for articulating what i couldn't. i know that the anon was just trying to make helpful suggestions, but the comments made some pretty big assumptions. i didn't think about the potential can of worms i was opening by discussing my fridge -- since many commenters here have made a connection between my fridge and my weight. eh, well. i'll clear that up some other time, but again, thanks.

    * alex, are you serious about the wine still being good? very exciting news. :)



    *


    *

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  28. Yes, I was actually thinking, I should comment and tell her, boxed wine does not go bad quickly. It usually stays fresh a long time because of that plastic bag thing it's in. Especially if you have it in the fridge! I kept a box of wine on TOP of the fridge for months, because I was still 20 and hoarding my "after-exam" Franzia because I did not know when I could get my roommate to get me another box of wine.

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  29. Yes, I was actually thinking, I should comment and tell her, boxed wine does not go bad quickly. It usually stays fresh a long time because of that plastic bag thing it's in. Especially if you have it in the fridge! I kept a box of wine on TOP of the fridge for months, because I was still 20 and hoarding my "after-exam" Franzia because I did not know when I could get my roommate to get me another box of wine.

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  30. Um...I don't know why that saved twice.

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  31. Of course you can always use the wine for cooking...Awwwwwww, who am I kidding? And Anon! No tomatoes in the fridge! It kills their tomatoey goodness! This according to Alton Brown, and I believe him on account of how he's the dreamiest guy on Food Network.

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  32. Nuh-uh. The dreamiest guy on Food Network is Tyler Florence. I love him. I want to marry him and have his babies. And he can do ALL the cooking.

    Jamie Oliver could also toast my bruschetta. But only after he apologizes to the world (and his daughter) for naming her 'Poppy'. That poor child is going to get the crap beat out of her at school.

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  33. I would take a photo, but I'm at work, so I'll just have describe. I have a roommate, and she eats really weird things, and we both drink somewhat more than is good for us, so our fridge is usually full of stuff that is to my eye, inedible.

    I love to cook, but I'm an appaling shopper, and live a block from the Potrero Safeway, so I have a habit of running to Safeway and only buying what I want to cook right there and then. So all I end up with left in the fridge are odd scaps of ham and turkey, half boxes of mushrooms, and if I'm lucky some eggs.

    My roommate stuffs in there weird vegetables, cooked leftover rice, and bottles of unusual substances that I'm not going to speculate, or touch.

    The bottom, however, is always filled with beer.

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  34. Julie,

    I'm with you! Mmm, all those dreamy Food Network boys! Who know how to cook! and are cute :-)

    I have a soft spot for Alton Brown. He's a smart one...

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  35. I don't like for Carolyn to clean, either.

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  36. Hey!

    good to know you like Indian food....I am from India! any particular stuff you like?

    I love cooking, though I have only just now started cooking regularly since I am away from home ...my refrig is certainly the opposite of yours...and i myself am too in this matter...i like to have everything handy ...even if i am not going to be needing something sometime soon....i buy it 'just in case' ....as you said, i feel bad if something goes to waste ...but i'm learning to curb my enthusiasm and be more practical when it comes to grocery shopping :)

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  37. I never made any connection between your weight and the contents (or lack thereof) of you fridge.

    That would be presumptuous and rude. Two things I can apparently be when I speak without thinking.

    So I'm happy I wasn't.

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  38. i hate to make comments that sound rude or like i'm snapping at people but here it goes:

    a) from the photos on your blog, you don't look significantly overweight. I'm sure this discussion has occurred earlier on your site. There certainly are people walking around who are far more obese- you look like a regular person.

    b) whoever said (on your last post i think) that this indicates food issues rather than food storage issues- yuck. what a rotten person. That's what turns a funny post about your frige (the dressing will mix back together wonderfully, by the way, though pretty in it's current strata) into some psychoanalysis- heavy on the psycho...

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  39. My cays have chilled, filtered water with anti-tartar additive in the fridge. (Since they won't let me brush their teeth, they get OxyFresh in their water.) And I bet your wine is fine, not having been exposed to any air... I'm willing to bet the gallon of Hefeweisen that's been sitting for 2 years in the bottom drawer of my fridge -- you know, the one that says "vegetables" but hasn't seen one in the last 3 years -- is skunked.

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  40. Melissa and Dan, it seems that blogs, by their very public nature, invite all types of reactions. Yes, most of Kristy's entries tend to be wonderfully entertaining, but in addition to a good laugh, they can also provoke, um... food for thought. Of course, "mean" comments suck, but it's understandable to me if some of Kristy's blog fans consider possible psychological implications of the stuff she says and does. I think that good writing makes people think and Kristy doesn't strike me as someone who minds if her writing causes people to delve beneath the surface.

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  41. Anonymous 9:20

    I would have to agree with you for the most part however some comments, even made under the guise of psychoanalysis, can be hurtful if presented wrong.

    I don't beleive K posting a picture of her empty fridge was done so with the belief that people would then question her weight and eating habits. Personally I thought it was a very simple yet funny post meant to allow us IIF's further insight into her daily life. I'm quite amazed that a picture of her fridge would elicit 41 comments! She's amazing to say the least.

    Everyone struggles with weight at one point in their lives. I myself continue to struggle but I realize, thanks in part to Melissa's comment, that I am normal.

    Anyway, this shouldn't turn into a soapbox. Anonymous, your comment was also very well articulated and I agree that K probably can handle anything that is said in these comments.

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  42. (Meanwhile...)

    Chevre is tired of the teary-eyed late night phonecalls from Butter. Butter could do so much better than some of the condiments it goes out with.

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  43. Dan, I definitely agree with you that some "psychoanalysis" can easily be hurtful and that's a bad thing. And I, too, struggle with weight issues and certainly know how painful that can be.

    However, I believe that Kristy is one smart cookie and she knew that posting the fridge photos would probably elicit comments about her weight and eating habits. She's obviously one brave cookie, too, and perhaps that courage helps explain why so many people are drawn to her blog and feel the urge to post their reactions. Her topics strike universal chords. Whether your fridge looks just like hers or is stuffed with condiments, we all have refrigerators and can relate, albeit in different ways.

    By giving her IIFs insights into her daily life, Kristy also gives us insights into herself and, therefore, ourselves. Just look at this fabulously respectful exchange that you and I are having. K has enabled us to go well beyond "a simple yet funny post" -- and I think that's a good thing.

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  44. Hey, you can put a Bucket o' Cosmopolitans in your freezer, and it never goes bad. Not that one's ever stayed in my freezer long enough to find out.

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  45. I was the person who wrote that this kinda looks like 'food issues' to me. That resulted in K's IIFs cursing at me and hurling other insults in their typical knee-jerk fashion. Here's the thing: I like k, I like her blog and her writing. Why can't some of you IIFs take a cue from k and react with less hostility?

    Is it really insulting or crazy to think that having THIS little food to eat might suggest a food issue??

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  46. (back at the ranch...)
    Raspberry Vinagrette is pinning for Classic Vinagrette, but he only has eyes for Rose's. If only Raspberry knew that just across the shelf, when the door is closed and the light is out, Chevre is there looking for someone better than Butter.

    Just add mesclun and you'd have a date made in heaven...
    Voila!

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  47. Anon 11am - I see the point you are making and yes, you could be right, perhaps she did know what comments would come out. (We're talking about her like she doesn't read these comments - lol).

    Anon 12:11pm - Good point with the knee-jerk reaction comment. I hope I didn't come across in that manner but I've seen it happen. It even happened to me when I first started blogging. I respect your point of view.

    That having been said, I'm more intrigued with what's going on between the Vinagrettes and the whole Chevre/Butter relationship. I can't wait to see what happens next season!

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  48. Thank you, K, for your blog. It has been part of my day for a number of weeks, and I have wondered why. I've just re-read my copy of Wesleyan University's 156th Commencement speech and some pieces now fall together. Sportswriter Red Smith was quoted: "Dying is no big deal. Living is the trick." Pres. Campbell goes on to say "Change is a tonic. Be ready to be surprised by grace. Have general intelligence, breadth, originality, imagination, audacity, a sense of history, a sense of cultural context, a sense of wonder, a sense of humor. Separation will always be painful; but there are two ways to think about separation; as a loss, or as a beginning. To separate is to start fresh. If living is the trick, live usefully; nothing in your life will be as satisfying as making a difference in somebody else's life." In your writings, I have recognize how I have lived this commencement speech for years now, and my own sense of painful separations and growth. I read you and chuckle on so many levels! Take care, and for a change, I'm going to try some of that boxed wine.

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  49. anon,

    those are excellent words, and i sincerely appreciate you sharing them.

    my only thought is that perhaps change isn't just a tonic, it's a gin and tonic.

    thanks so much,
    k

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  50. wow... didn't you say your fridge was a non socio-political topic? who'da thunk this hilarious post would have generated so much discussion??

    and i'm sorry... but "whatev...re" is one of the funniest things i've ever read. snortalicious!

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  51. Hmmm...My fridge contains 2 bottles of Rose's lime juice, as well as some Rose's grenadine, and my roommate's pre-mixed margaritas from something or other last week. And a half-gone bottle of wine. And we have vodka in our freezer, too.

    And there's food in there. Cheese and stuff, mostly. Because cheese goes with just about anything.

    But as far as your shopping-for-tonight habits, I've read that's a good thing. It's how French women shop, or something. So you're just being continental. ;)

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  52. K, see? you are hysterically fun. that's right. a gin and tonic. ha. Aint that the truth.

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  53. In my house, we buy food bring it home and put in the refrigerator. Then leave it there for a weak or two or three or four-- however long it takes for it to rot. When we see the first glimpse of fuzz, we know it's time to go back and buy some more. Of course when we return from a difficult hour at the grocery store, we are too tired to cook and so we order takeout. We keep the grocers and the restaurants in business. We are also big tippers at restaurants. This is our contribution to the economy.

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  54. First, It's not hard to believe you are single. And second, it has nothing to do with your refrigerator. But you probably knew that already.

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  55. rhiannon,

    that's just crazy talk.

    my singlehood has everything do to with the state of my fridge and nothing whatsoever to do with, say, my personality. or life choices. or appearance. or sarcasm. or issues.

    nope. just my fridge.

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  56. I know this entry was, like, so one week ago already! - but I felt compelled to comment. My fridge is not dissimilar to yours. And your simple logic above should be explanation enough as to why I'm still single. Hallelujah - and I thought it was me.

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  57. hahahahahah this post made me howl...my fridge is either to the extreme of yours..or it's stuffed with stuff I can't throw away cuz I feel like I'm "wasting" it...humans can be so predictable...

    P.S. my puppy drinks filtered water, too...

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