Friday, August 26, 2005

Crazy's Twin Sister

so okay. when you've just started seeing a guy -- or haven't even officially begun "seeing" each other but are in that stage where he MIGHT call -- you know how The Crazy is. because we've discussed it.

at length.

i mean, it's The Crazy where you* tell yourself you're not waiting by the phone. you tell yourself you are checking email only occassionally, despite that you're sitting at your desk with your gmail/hotmail/yahoo inbox permanently open. and while you're telling yourself these various lies, you're also envisioning all the things he might be doing instead of calling you, and you maybe also think of the 183 things you might possibly say if** he calls, including but not limited to places you might off-handedly suggest you could meet up later, maybe.

while pretending to work.

right. we all know this -- The Crazy -- that women experience when trying to figure out if he's "just not that into" us or if he's just not that good at calling.

except.

see, i forgot. i forgot that there's another lie -- the biggest lie of all, actually -- that you tell yourself during The Crazy times.

which is that you are really really (obviously) completely normal and SANE and cool and calm and collected and not a psycho girl but totally a put-together woman, and really, all he has to do is call. and when he does call, regularly enough that you don't have to worry about IF he's going to call, you tell yourself that you will OF COURSE return to being your most fabulous, NORMAL self because The Crazy is temporary.

(and you are such a liar.)

the actual TRUTH of the matter is that once you get to the point where you're making plans regularly and it's been established that he WILL actually call you, two things happen:

1. you don't totally believe it, really. (because deep down, despite the fact that you have NO evidence supporting your theory, you are secretly ready at any time to believe you will never hear from him again.)

(i know it's crazy. hi.)

2. you meet Crazy's Twin Sister, YM.

who is YM, you ask?

why, don't tell me you don't you remember. you know, from back a hundred years ago? when we were, like, young and YM was a magazine otherwise known as "Young Miss" and not "Young & Modern"?

well, i do. and not only do i remember it, but somehow, for some reason, when i decide that i'm Officially Interested in a guy, i revert to being about 11 years old and all my junior high school boy tendencies kick in and i may as well be dancing around my room listening to cyndi lauper wearing bonnie bell lip gloss and colored mousse in my hair.

because this is what i do:
  • doodle.
    you know exactly what i'm talking about here. this ranges from writing my initials and his initials (along with TLA and TLF) to just writing his name in various scripts and lengths (first name, last name; first name, middle initial, last name; just initials; mr. last name; mr. first name last name), to of COURSE writing out the variations of my name and his, in case we were ever to marry. because even though the 30-year-old in me is never going to change her name again, the 11-year-old in me needs to know what my name looks like with his last name with a Mrs. in front. just in case.

    that's the YM for ya.


  • consult the stars...
    i think astrology is a lot of fun and i really don't care if it's silly because hello, have you met me? and so the second i start seeing a guy i spend an inordinate amount of time online looking up my horoscope (to see if i am supposed to have met someone new), his horoscope (for the same reason), and then checking nine hundred million websites to see if our signs are compatible.

    the trick to this is, of course, ignoring everything that does not pertain to me and him being absolutely perfect together and/or using the vague descriptions to confirm that you are absolutely perfect together.

    for example, yesterday? he was supposed to "enjoy good times with "good people."" which obviously means he was supposed to spend time with me. whereas my stupid horoscope said that my "feelings are strongly associated with [my] community status" and that clearly means i am looking at the wrong website.

    also? to the stupid website that says Cancers and Leos are "not a match made in heaven" i say i don't have to listen to a website that uses graphic templates circa '94.


  • ...and anyone and anything else.
    i will go online and search on our compatibility beyond the stars. i will consider numerology, tarot readings, even how the letters in our names might indicate eternal compatible bliss.

    and i will talk about these factors (along with every single detail i have managed to learn about the guy i'm Officially Interested in) to anyone and everyone who will listen. oh yes. i become THAT kind of YM. and suddenly my entire range of conversation involves either something he said that was funny or something he said that was nice or something he said that could have meant A but maybe implied B and what if he was really getting at C and what do you think about what he said that time he said that thing***?

and you know, there's even more Crazy/YM stuff going on that's utterly embarrassing to admit (but that i totally would anyway) if i didn't have to go see a certain comedian perform in an hour.

and it's not that it takes an hour to get there, it's that it'll take me 45 minutes to figure out what to wear....



* i

** and when -- ohgodpleaseletitbewhen! --

*** seriously, be grateful you do not ride to work with me every day. (love you, Risey!)

47 comments:

  1. Cancers and Leos are great together... just remember to let him be the Lion. he already seems to understand the soft underbelly of the crab.... he really is funny ... more than funny-ish. He's darn funny and has intelligence and soul... hard to come by sometimes. As a Cancer, you'll be pretty no matter what you're wearing. hope you have fun!

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  2. also? to the stupid website that says Cancers and Leos are "not a match made in heaven"

    OMG i picked the same part to respond to. I am a Cancer who LOVES LEOS. LOVES THEM.

    But um, don't mind me, my Sagitarrian (blech) guy is on the way home to his wife and stuff. So er, perhaps I am not the one to ask.

    er. like you did or anything.

    Is this guy's name REALLY Shecky? cause like, if it is? I would have a problem with that.

    Again. Don't mind me.

    I'm old and drunk and just got off the phone with my not exactly married boyfriend and am replying to blogs on a Friday night.

    I'm just saying Leo= GOOD but Shecky? meh. not so much. I hope he has a good real name. like um Chris or James or something substantial.

    If not rename him.

    What? I used to do it all the time.

    Um until I met the not EXACTLY married guy.

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  3. The puzzling thing to me is that the rest of your life is so interesting and compelling, I'm surprised you make the time to spend obsessing about boys. They should really be worrying that you'll call them.

    And if the idea that you need to ever worry about a boy being interested in you
    -- as opposed to, say, writing a novel, or kicking ass at your job, or even drinking a really nice martini --
    is a result of YM, then despite my card carrying membership in the ACLU, the damned thing should be burned to the ground.

    Of course, since I'm your ex, I'm aware of a certain irony attached to this comment. However, I stand by it.

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  4. Awww, you've linked to eachother's blogs! So freaking cute! Fun being twitter-pated isn't it?

    And yes, I know The Crazy all too well.

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  5. Great post, this is SO familiar!

    Do you have "The Secret Language of Relationships" by Gary Goldschneider and Joost Elffers? See, the trick to this book is that you read about the relationship between people born in your week and his week. And then, when it's bad news, you say, well that's just silly. I'm not going to not date someone because of that!

    And then when it all blows up, you go back to the book, which was, of course, completely, specifically, right on the money. Damn book!

    But hey, what about estalking? Do you do the estalking?

    Crap, maybe that's just me...

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  6. this is me. today. i met him last night.
    gah.
    f.

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  7. Wow. Too true. I have been suffering with The Crazy for almost two months now. Two. Months. Yikes!

    I want to take my mobile phone and throw it in the river ...

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  8. Don't forget to add up your TRUE LOVE score to check for compatibility! YM indeed.

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  9. I can so totally relate to "the crazy"... rushing home to check the answering machine... hahah. hang in there.

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  10. Liz-- I know that book! "The Secret Language of Relationships"! I bought the comapnion birthday keeper book in college, and because I was a poor college student, couldn't afford the "Secret Language" one...

    but that didn't stop me from going to the book store to look relationships up!! As if my college bookstore were the library or something!!

    I'm sure I must've looked up compatibility with my husband, who is a Leo! I, on the otherhand, am an Aquarius (not Cancer, sorry I can't guarantee bliss, kristy!). I don't think Leo is supposed to be any kind of special match for me (my best are supposedly Aries, Gemini and Libra), but since Leo is 180 degrees from me on the zodiac circle, i logically deduced that this was a sign of compatibility that the books don't mention!

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  11. Yeah, hi. I started getting ready for my date today, last night. And I have "consulted the stars... and anyone and anything else." Except I haven't done the doodling because his last name is really long and Greek and hard to spell, so instead, I just keep imagining ways that I would shorten my signature if we were to get married. And it is waaaaayyyyyy too early to think about marriage (hi, 5 dates, thanks) so thank god I have TheCrazy to blame it on.

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  12. ah, yes, point #1, where even after a year and more of knowing he'll call, he doesn't... (but then again, he was socially inept, and no one should listen to my advice on relationships.)

    enjoy your comedian, Kristy! and I have to agree with el_gallo on this one. you should be the one deciding if you want to call him or hang out with him when he calls. there's nothing you can do if a guy's really not interested (this point I know all too well), what you can do is decide if the ones who are interested are worth it!

    and above all else, have fun!

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  13. i found your blog somehow and fortunately, its found a nice nesting place in my favorites! i really enjoy it. you are like... uh... human and stuff. ;) although im a dood... i too have the crazies. ive doodled my crush's name.... check my email every 15 minutes... have imaginary conversations with this girl... does this mean im a girl? LOL.

    anyways, thanks for your blog! ;j

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  14. Oh good. I thought I was the only one who did this kind of crazy/YM. Phewwwwwww

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  15. New love is so sweet...even when it makes you feel crazy. Enjoy!

    (nice circumcision/pitbull spam up there. the hell??)

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  16. that post is beyond true for me. thanks for writing it!

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  17. I am so dealing with the same thing right now. As evidenced here. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one!

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  18. another cancer who falls for leos here.

    does he read your blog? if he's going to read this, you're far braver than i am.

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  19. Another version of The Crazy: songs on the radio... suddenly they all mean something and the timing is just so right and that song says so exactly what I'm feeling right now...

    Man, did I ever know The Crazy (am now married.) Am now going through Fertility/Baby Crazy. That's a whole 'notha ball of fun, let me tell you...

    This post was great - I will be back.

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  20. LOL

    This whole thing is just too funny.

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  21. I need to find me an El Gallo.

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  22. I think everyone should have an El Gallo. (Well, the women, anyway,)

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  23. two years later i am still sometimes overtaken by The Crazy.


    when i'm not being ruled exclusively by my yippety yap.

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  24. So, that's what girls we're drawing on their notebooks when we were 11 years old! The guys were drawing insignias from rock groups.

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  25. OMG! That is the funniest thing I have ever read. If I EVER have TIME to date again, I KNOW I will revert back to all of the same behavior. Too Funny!

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  26. just so you know, you're not the only girl who does this. i still do it all too. it is crazy, and i love it.
    or rather i should have said i did it, having been with rick for so long, i no longer do, and actually i kind of miss it.

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  27. Crazy girls...

    All this can be avoided by text messaging on your cell. It's not an actual phone call, so there's less pressure, and it works really well. I'm going thru the guy version of the crazy, which is not nearly as neurotic... but it's there.

    http://slopmastertales.com/2005/08/i-love-technology.htm

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  28. so that's what the texting was about??

    my b-friend wouldn't call at the beginning only text (he hates talking on the phone) and actually? it might be worse. cause then you're sitting around waiting for the bzz bzz bzz to let you know he's thinking about you and WHERE IS THE DAMN TEXT I TEXTED HIM 2 HOURS AGO DOESN'T HE LIKE ME I SIT AND WAIT BY THE PHONE AND WHY ISN'T HE IMMEDIATELY RESPONDING TO MY QUERY.

    so no. it doesn't help that much.

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  29. what a true post! My good friend had the crazies. I bought her the book, hes just not that into you! Then, we both read 'Be honest, you weren't that into him either' and now were both sane again!

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  30. Now that is a great book to own. Kristy? Have you read it yet? Makes the crazies go away, and launches you into sommething better. good luck!

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  31. So funny! I thought I was the only girl who did the crazy astrology readings...and I don't even believe in them! For some reason finding 'proof' that our signs are compatible always makes me feel better. Of course, if it says our signs aren't compatible...then I always secretly blame that for one of the reasons why things don't work out..sad, I know. Great post!

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  32. Delurking because I TOTALLY understand this post. I have been an extreme victim of the crazy. Have you ever had your friends call you just to make sure your phone isn't broken? Because clearly it MUST BE BROKEN, because HE IS TOTALLY CALLING.

    And I am on the same YM page, too. I start getting the urge to make mix tapes and write in my diary.

    One can only hope that they secretly suffer in a similar way.

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  33. was it ym that had the most embarassing moments stories that were always about someone seeing a tampon, or having to poop at the boyfriend's house, and then having something go wrong with the flushing step? so many things we worried about then... that haven't really gone away.

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  34. Yep, I'm doing the crazy. With the guy that I JUST BROKE UP WITH. I know that I'm insane, now.

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  35. I was just on that EXACT SAME site! The compatibility one? It was good news for me - Gemini's and Leo's are "A Match Made in Heaven". My secret crush is in much trouble now.

    So, needless to say, I am leaning heavily to the side that says the website is totally and unequivocally correct in it's readings!

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  36. When I was in college I had the crazies and YM with this one guy and chose to include my roommates in the experience. I must say it is great to have feedback on what combinations of your surname and theirs work best.

    -g

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  37. Maybe this will sound smug, but here goes... I had major, major issues with The Crazy and YM for many years, and I thought there was no choice, that it was just something every normal woman went through (I also had occasional run-ins with a third sister of The Crazy: The Paranoia - you know, that irrational worry that any little quirk of his could mean that he's a total circus freak and you should run the other direction FAST - remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie was so tired of dating freaks that searched her new man's house for signs of what could secretly be wrong with him so she could preemptively dump him? Yeah, that was me). I did things even more embarrassing than anything your post mentions. It came to the point where I forced myself to stop dating for awhile because I felt I seriously could not afford to deal with it, with all that I had going on in my real life (you know, like holding down a job). But, weirdly enough, when I met my fiancĂ©, I had almost zero Crazy. My friends couldn’t believe it. They thought maybe I wasn't serious about this guy, because they had never seen me NOT freak out about anyone I really liked. But it wasn't that at all! I adored him from the very first time we met - we had very intense chemistry right away, both physically and emotionally, and we still do. I know this sounds weird, and I wouldn't have believed it myself, but I swear that something in my gut just told me, "Don’t worry, this is going to work out - just relax and be happy." Although I'm not a Rules girl at all, it was sort of as if I had become one, magically. I never sat around waiting for him to call and obsessing about whether he would - I was just pleasantly surprised when he did. I didn’t worry about when he would tell me he loved me, or whether he could commit - I knew he would, and when the time was right, he did. Part of it was him - without being totally pathetic about it or seeming like he was rushing in too quickly, he made it clear from the beginning with both words and actions that he felt an uncommon connection to me too. He didn't run hot and cold, or do things that left me completely baffled about where he was coming from, and that helped a lot.
    Anyway, my point here is that for me, that was the sign that I had really met the One - it was such a 180 degree turn from any relationship I'd ever had before. So, this is just a thought - maybe when you find what you're looking for, that's how you'll know too.

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  38. I can't help but chime and admit that I too get attacked by The Crazy- seriously a not fun version of me. But I am so glad to hear that others go thru it to and for mildly extended periods of time. Its been 2.5 months now and every now and then a Sniper Crazy leaps out of nowhere.

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  39. to anon 11:35,

    you don't sound smug, i know exactly what you mean. and i want to make a distinction...

    the doodling/astrology type of YM Crazy is really fun regardless of how confident i am (or am not) about a guy's interest in me.

    the will he/won't he call kind of crazy is a different story. that's the type of thing that -- you're right -- happens when guys aren't being clear because their interest level hasn't really be established.

    and for the record, has not been an issue at all with The Comic. :)

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  40. yeah. that's me. right now.

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  41. Okay, the science geek version of YM... When I am first seeing someone who I really like, I try to figure out what our kids would look like. There are two versions - one of our "ideal" child - meaning the one who would get the best of each of us, and a worst case scenario of each our biggest flaws (not that I can ever find any in him, since OF COURSE he is always the most perfect man alive, so usually I picture which of his features would look bad on a daughter, such as overly broad shoulders, or a hairy chest). Then using what I remember from my college biology classes and what I know of his siblings, I try to decide which of each genetic trait is probably the most dominant so that I can develop a prototype for the most statistically likely profile of our potential child.
    The really sad, crazy part? I don't even want kids. So I have no idea why I would even think about that in the first place.

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  43. Whoa. Just...whoa. Well at least The Crazy isn't the sole property of myself LOL. I just sort of started something new and I have it bad. I have to constantly remind myself not to let The Crazy show for fear of scaring her off.
    But WOW have I got it on for her. Whew!

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  44. Page one - get ready for anything if you are planning on opening the door tonight.

    Page two - if you are still reading, you didn't adequately understand page one.

    Ben O.

    http://everyothernamehasbeentaken.blogspot.com/

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  45. I think I'm falling for El Gallo too and you know that's...umm...weird. Maybe I just want to be him. Yeah, that's it. As a Leo, I must confess, I'm a terrible caller-backer, but loyal, loving, and protective as hell and it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. Doodling - I remember all the other girls doodling all that mushy stuff. I drew dragsters (think cars, not queens) while plotting how I could get Suzie Brown as my orienteering partner in Girl Scouts so we could get lost in the woods together.

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