Saturday, August 20, 2005

So A Stand-Up Walks In...

below is the transcript of a conversation i've totally made up.

it's a conversation between me and...well...you.

in this case, you = the Collective Lot of Invisible Internet Friends, or, you know, "Cliif."

i think this means i've officially gone off the deep end of the blog ocean, but whatever. we knew it was coming.
*****

Cliif: kristy, i notice you haven't been blogging much lately. don't you understand that if you don't post things regularly, i'll get bored and leave you, never to return?

me: i do know that, i'm sorry, it's just --

Cliif: don't apologize, just bear in mind the age-old question: if a blog is published in a forest and no one is there to read it, does it even exist?

me: wow, cliif, that's kinda heavy. i mean, are you asking me to consider how the advent of personal blogging has subverted the natural relationship between author and reader, challenging more traditional notions of literary genre and its dependence -- geez, even its very defintion -- on audience? because certainly blogging puts things in a new--

Cliif: christ, no, kristy. i meant you should just post more often. preferably with pictures of your ass. or your hot friends.

me: oh.

Cliif: so what's the hold up?

me: um. well, that's the thing. i have sort of started seeing someone.

Cliif: hahahahahaha! that's a good one.

me: well it's not like, serious or anything...

Cliif: wait, you're not kidding?

me: no. thanks for the encouragement, though.

Cliif: oh whatever. so when did this happen?? and wait -- why haven't you said anything??? i thought that's what i was here for!

me: yeah i know, but um. well, it's just that every time i've ever mentioned a guy to you, things haven't worked out.

Cliif: oh i see. yes, yes, that's very logical...

me: you're being sarcastic.

Cliif: of course i'm being sarcastic. but since you mention it, why ARE you telling me about him?

me: well, when i mentioned my blog to him, he--

Cliif: you told him about your blog!?!? have you not been paying attention at all!?!? honestly, kristy. the rule is that you do NOT tell the guy about your blog before you tell me about the guy. isn't that what we discussed?

me: i know, i know. but--

Cliif: you met him online, didn't you?

me: what's that got to do with this?

Cliif: i knew it.

me: just wait a second. sheesh. yes, i did meet him online but no, i didn't go searching for him. i cancelled my online personals subscriptions and i stopped posting ridiculous things on craigslist, just as i said i would. and i even thought all my craigslist posts had expired. really i did. but then out of the blue i got this like, "late entry" from a guy who sounded pretty great. it came through an hour before the post expired.

Cliif: that's great. i might even say that's conspicuous timing, but i don't know anything about this guy yet, so i'll hold off on my judgments. and anyway, this doesn't explain why you told him about me.

me: well, i didn't exactly PLAN on telling him about you. i mean, we exchanged emails and briefly chatted on the phone and agreed to meet. and i didn't mention you at all.

Cliif: until...?

me: until he started talking about comedic writing.

Cliif: wait wait wait. he just happened to be talking about comedic writing? before you told him about me? why?

me: well, that's what he does. i mean, sort of. like me, he has a very respectable day job, but also like me, he would rather be a professional comedic writer.

Cliif: so he's funny?

me: yes. and actually, he moonlights as a stand-up comedian. did you not see the title of this post?

Cliif: no, i ignore those.

me: aww, man.

Cliif: get over it.

me: *sigh*

Cliif: oh, but i get it now! "so a stand-up walks in," eh?

me: yeah.

Cliif: in where?

me: in where? so you don't actually get it at all.

Cliif: guess not.

me: see, i was trying to like, have it sound like the opening line to a joke. get it? but the rest of the line is open for interpretation, in a cool and vague way. meaning like, i dunno. this guy has walked in...into the picture? or...into a bar? or... into my life?

Cliif: a bar or your life? aren't those the same things?

me: very funny.

Cliif: see? i could be a comedy writer, too.

me: that's very meta.

Cliif: no one likes it when you use terms like that, you know.

me: fine. whatever. are we done here?

Cliif: absolutely not. i want to know what you told him about me.

me: i just told him that i enjoy writing for comedic effect but that i am not brave enough to do stand-up, so i pour my energies into entertaining invisible internet people.

Cliif: uh huh. and does he know you have made-up conversations with me, too?

me: hmm. he will now, i guess.

Cliif: oh, so he reads you? and he doesn't think you're crazy?

me: no, he knows i'm crazy. i believe what he actually said was that i have "more than a passing acquaintance with Crazy."

Cliif: he's right, you know.

me: thanks.

Cliif: hey, i should know.

me: true.

Cliif: so does he think you're a big dork for having a blog?

me: you know, i'd think you of all people would be more sensitive to my blogging. and anyway no, he doesn't. in fact, he even has a blog himself.

Cliif: get out! is it any good?

me:
of course it is. he's just started it, though, so it's still pretty new.

Cliif: uh, link please.

me: here you go.

Cliif: so you're really seeing this guy? The Comic?

me: it would so seem.

Cliif: wonders never cease.

me: nice attitude.

Cliif: hey, i've seen your fridge.

me: oh, right.

Cliif: yeah. and anyway, none of this explains why you haven't been posting for the last couple weeks.

me: *blush* actually, it does. between work and um...well, quite a few late nights...

Cliif: oh really!? late nights, huh? well, hello! details!

me: *gasp* never! a lady doesn't kiss and tell. ( or, you know, make out and tell...)

Cliif: "make out?"

me: shhh. yes. now shutup.

Cliif: oh whatEVER. and since when did you become a "lady"?

me: hey! i have standards.

Cliif: need i remind you of the boxed wine and straw incident?

me: no.

Cliif: okay then fine, i won't. but you'd better get to posting again about something. because Comic or no Comic, standards or no standards, if you don't shape up, i'm soooo outtie.

me: uh, did you just say "outtie"? because that is seriously outdated.

Cliif: hey. don't blame me. blame the chick at the keyboard.



38 comments:

  1. Lady Kristy. Stand up makes sense. Always has for you. Please explore those comedy clubs. You're on to something. Big. And sounds like you've met a friend. Yay... Onward and upward. GO FOR IT.

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  2. Kristy will you Marry me so I can take you away from all this madnessb

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  3. I went to his blog. But, isn't he in New York? Or is he a transplant? Or did you go to New York?

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  4. ah, yeah. he was in new york for a while, but just recently moved back to the bay area. :)

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  5. i'll be honest, i didn't read that whole thing. i will go back and read it, but i wanted to get to the main point. as to why you haven't updated much lately (like i can talk). and so having read that, i just wanted to say i'm happy for you!!!! woo!
    not that you wouldn't ever find someone. if i was a guy i would so be all over you. or if i was gay. the point is, i am glad for you that you are happy enough with someone to not tell us about it to begin with. because sometimes things are more fun when not shared with the entire internet.
    sincerely,
    one member of cliif, kate

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  6. And he has a link to you! So cute!

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  7. Congrats Kristy... I hope everything works out great!

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  8. Uh. You are not crazy. Not even remotely. I hope he's not starting in with the veiled insults already.

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  9. Yay! That is so exciting:)

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  10. Are we sure he's good enough for you? Sure, he's funny... and he writes really well.. but I'm just saying...
    (Aww, he's got you linked. he just scored more points).
    Enjoy!

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  11. ...feeling ever so gleeful for you! If he's seen your blog (and knows about your fridge) I say he's a real keeper! And I for one will not wander off and forget you... I'm too busy doing that with my own blog.

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  12. Yay! Happy for you, Kristy! Like his blog too, but may I make a suggestion? He's very funny, but the white font on the black background makes my eyes beg for mercy, and I have to stop reading.

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  13. Nice going, Kristy. Good to see you found a decent guy (well, liberal, has a sensayuma, so he's prolly nice), but if you neglect US we shall come over and hide behind the sofa and make creepy noises when ... well, you know when)

    So post already. But yes, I agree that it may not be a good idea to post about the two of you together.

    J.A.P.

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  14. I agree, funny is hot hot hot. and as one of the Cliif members, I would like to congratulate you!

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  15. Sounds like a great guy, Kristy. :) I'm happy for you!!!

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  16. Enjoy every minute! It's great you have met someone :-)

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  17. rawk! rawk! rawk!
    (it is the invisible law of internet dating that as soon as you get tired of it altogether, someone really fantastic comes along. cheers to you!)

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  18. I guess he's nice, but you're funnier!

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  19. Went I went to his blog yesterday, there were no comments-now he has 18. Coincidence? You have power, girl!

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  20. Funny Understated Nice Naughty and Young = FUNNY - ha! I crack me up.

    You go guuuurl! - headin' over to Zeitgeist to spy.

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  21. I assume that his blog entries weren't meant to be funny (otherwise, he'd better make sure that he doesn't lose that day job!). Here's hoping that you both laugh your way to long-lasting happiness!

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  22. yay!

    have fun!

    post only when making out is not a priority...well, that's like never, so um, maybe every few days? just to update?

    thanks

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  23. I'm glad your absence wasn't another one of those 25 date binges. Or maybe it is, only this time with the same guy.

    Can he knit?

    D.

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  24. I'd just like you to know that one of my absolute favorite things in life is when you post extremely funny things on the weekend, so I can enjoy them on an otherwise slow evening, and that I ALSO enjoy these Funny Weekend Posts (that are also Long As Shit) because I can be only #29 of posters! Yes! #29!

    Because I look much cooler this way.

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  25. Congrats!

    Hopefully he's not just 'riding your coattails'...unless that's exactly why you haven't posted much lately. In which case...Congrats again!

    heeheehee

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  26. K,
    I'm so glad it's a guy and not a crisis (not that they can't be the same thing...).
    Good for you for still being open after the shit guys have put you through!
    K

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  27. Congratulations!!! Whoo hooo!!! :)

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  28. wait, if shecky knows all the people from List List, then did he already know your blog? I think he blog stalked you and then pretended to respond to a craig's list ad...

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  29. WOO!! boys! yay! fun!

    (i've gone off caffeine today. 1-syllable words / sentences are all i can manage. know i'm full o' glee for you though :-) )

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  30. Okay, so here's what I'm picking up so far: be nice to K, or we (CLIIF) will hunt you down. Fair enough, good to know.

    This is like waiting for your date in the living room, with hundreds of older brothers and sisters sitting there, silently staring at you. Cool.

    Thanks to those of you who visited my blog-- especially the anonymous ones who wanted to make sure I knew about the great opportunities to work from home. Very thoughtful of you.

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  31. shecky! Just don't be a stooge and fall for the 'work at home' offers.

    Especially if they want you to work from their home!

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  32. :) I loved this post, K. It's like you *know* us or something!

    Much happiness to you & Sheck (I know laughter will be a given!)

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