Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Announcements: Great Mortgage Rates And Erections!

sadly, i have added 'word verification' to the commenting process because it's supposed to help crack down on spammers.

guess we'll see.

in brighter, less spamerrific news, i actually joined a gym and started going to it. before work even. and i've returned to South Beach.

i feel like i'm finally back on track, you know? god, it's amazing (and frankly, embarrassing) how derailing that break-up was (with the bonus of life changes, travel, and job shifts).

and it's fantastic how affirming getting over it is.

finally, i appreciate your suggestions for posts. i'm newly inspired. in particular, i believe this:

el_gallo said...
How about a story involving Harry Potter, tequila, a gay bar and a cab ride...

deserves a follow-up. because he's not kidding.



Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Blocked, or "Things I Am Not Writing About"

i have started roughly 17 entries in the last two days and none of them are interesting or funny.

including this one, just so you know.

like, i thought maybe i would tell you about the first time i joined the gym ever, when i was in college and my best friend dragged me kicking and screaming. to the Y, no less. and i showed up with zero intentions of sticking with it, until i discovered that the oh-so-ghetto facility made it totally unintimidating. (well, okay. there was THAT, but there was also the fact that john-the-trainer was supercute and flirted with me and made it so that i wanted to show up and get in shape just to show him i could.)

but that story wasn't going anywhere.

so also i thought maybe i'd try and talk about The Great Mystery here at work. and that mystery was the fact that i had no idea who this one woman (we'll call her Julie) is. because even though every time i'd walk down the hall or hear about someone's project, her name would get mentioned, over and over (did you ask Julie about that? I just need to check in with Julie. I think Julie was working on that), i had absolutely no idea who she was, what she did, or where i might find her.

but not only is that not funny, i was introduced to her yesterday. mystery solved.

the current dating situation is not especially traumatizing, so other than my continual forays into seeking astrological validation, i have nothing to report there, either.

my point -- i guess -- is that i'll get my act together again any second now, but in the meantime, if anyone is still reading this and is actually interested in hearing about something in particular, i'm open to suggestions....

Monday, August 29, 2005

You Be The Shampoo

i talk to myself.

sometimes i wonder if the only reason i have cats is so that when i'm at home, alone, and talking to myself i can pretend that i'm doing it for the sake of the poor kitties who need attention. despite that we're all three of us (me, sherlock and moriarty) aware that none of us finds the conversation engaging.

yeah, you know you have issues when even your cats think you're a crazy cat lady.

anyway, i take this talking to myself thing to a whole new level when i'm in the shower. i mean, i do my fair share of singing in the shower as well, but let's face it -- the shower is really meant to be used as a stage. meaning not only do i talk to myself, but i frequently (hi, speaking of crazy) perform.

now. for the record, sometimes my performances are very low-key (read: uncrazy). you know, like practicing for a job interview and rehearsing answers to questions you know you'll be asked. and sometimes i'll rehearse conversations, too, like what i might say on the phone if That Guy calls.

on the other hand, sometimes my performances are somewhat...dramatic.

for example, sometimes i perform monologues. and while sometimes the monologues are really just me reciting bits of movies, sometimes the monologues are delivered with great flourish. and, um, accents.

and then there are the times when i feel confident that i won't disturb my neighbors and decide to launch into elaborate musical numbers. showtunes are a favorite choice, but loungey ballads creep in with some regularity. (my shower is SO a cabaret, old chum.)

but beyond the songs and drama, my shower is the perfect (and only) place for practicing my stand-up skills.

i bring this up now for perhaps obvious reasons, sure. i mean, i do have comedy on the brain these days. but i was performing stand-up routines for my shampoo long before the recent influence of The Comic*. the only difference is that now i'm more likely to actually write some of those things down.

and post them here.



*whose real name is NOT shecky. or Ish, for that matter.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Crazy's Twin Sister

so okay. when you've just started seeing a guy -- or haven't even officially begun "seeing" each other but are in that stage where he MIGHT call -- you know how The Crazy is. because we've discussed it.

at length.

i mean, it's The Crazy where you* tell yourself you're not waiting by the phone. you tell yourself you are checking email only occassionally, despite that you're sitting at your desk with your gmail/hotmail/yahoo inbox permanently open. and while you're telling yourself these various lies, you're also envisioning all the things he might be doing instead of calling you, and you maybe also think of the 183 things you might possibly say if** he calls, including but not limited to places you might off-handedly suggest you could meet up later, maybe.

while pretending to work.

right. we all know this -- The Crazy -- that women experience when trying to figure out if he's "just not that into" us or if he's just not that good at calling.

except.

see, i forgot. i forgot that there's another lie -- the biggest lie of all, actually -- that you tell yourself during The Crazy times.

which is that you are really really (obviously) completely normal and SANE and cool and calm and collected and not a psycho girl but totally a put-together woman, and really, all he has to do is call. and when he does call, regularly enough that you don't have to worry about IF he's going to call, you tell yourself that you will OF COURSE return to being your most fabulous, NORMAL self because The Crazy is temporary.

(and you are such a liar.)

the actual TRUTH of the matter is that once you get to the point where you're making plans regularly and it's been established that he WILL actually call you, two things happen:

1. you don't totally believe it, really. (because deep down, despite the fact that you have NO evidence supporting your theory, you are secretly ready at any time to believe you will never hear from him again.)

(i know it's crazy. hi.)

2. you meet Crazy's Twin Sister, YM.

who is YM, you ask?

why, don't tell me you don't you remember. you know, from back a hundred years ago? when we were, like, young and YM was a magazine otherwise known as "Young Miss" and not "Young & Modern"?

well, i do. and not only do i remember it, but somehow, for some reason, when i decide that i'm Officially Interested in a guy, i revert to being about 11 years old and all my junior high school boy tendencies kick in and i may as well be dancing around my room listening to cyndi lauper wearing bonnie bell lip gloss and colored mousse in my hair.

because this is what i do:
  • doodle.
    you know exactly what i'm talking about here. this ranges from writing my initials and his initials (along with TLA and TLF) to just writing his name in various scripts and lengths (first name, last name; first name, middle initial, last name; just initials; mr. last name; mr. first name last name), to of COURSE writing out the variations of my name and his, in case we were ever to marry. because even though the 30-year-old in me is never going to change her name again, the 11-year-old in me needs to know what my name looks like with his last name with a Mrs. in front. just in case.

    that's the YM for ya.


  • consult the stars...
    i think astrology is a lot of fun and i really don't care if it's silly because hello, have you met me? and so the second i start seeing a guy i spend an inordinate amount of time online looking up my horoscope (to see if i am supposed to have met someone new), his horoscope (for the same reason), and then checking nine hundred million websites to see if our signs are compatible.

    the trick to this is, of course, ignoring everything that does not pertain to me and him being absolutely perfect together and/or using the vague descriptions to confirm that you are absolutely perfect together.

    for example, yesterday? he was supposed to "enjoy good times with "good people."" which obviously means he was supposed to spend time with me. whereas my stupid horoscope said that my "feelings are strongly associated with [my] community status" and that clearly means i am looking at the wrong website.

    also? to the stupid website that says Cancers and Leos are "not a match made in heaven" i say i don't have to listen to a website that uses graphic templates circa '94.


  • ...and anyone and anything else.
    i will go online and search on our compatibility beyond the stars. i will consider numerology, tarot readings, even how the letters in our names might indicate eternal compatible bliss.

    and i will talk about these factors (along with every single detail i have managed to learn about the guy i'm Officially Interested in) to anyone and everyone who will listen. oh yes. i become THAT kind of YM. and suddenly my entire range of conversation involves either something he said that was funny or something he said that was nice or something he said that could have meant A but maybe implied B and what if he was really getting at C and what do you think about what he said that time he said that thing***?

and you know, there's even more Crazy/YM stuff going on that's utterly embarrassing to admit (but that i totally would anyway) if i didn't have to go see a certain comedian perform in an hour.

and it's not that it takes an hour to get there, it's that it'll take me 45 minutes to figure out what to wear....



* i

** and when -- ohgodpleaseletitbewhen! --

*** seriously, be grateful you do not ride to work with me every day. (love you, Risey!)

Socio-Political Self-Sufficiency

and like, stuff.

okay. so i have a blog entry coming that involves such lofty concepts as doodling boys' names in one's (oh-so-professional) notebook. right.

but since i haven't had a chance to post that masterpiece yet, and since i just got this request, i thought i'd allow my blog to skirt around yet another socio-cultural landmine.

see, Liz posits that "men pay for dates." and she wonders what i think about that.

and since i suspect i'm not the only one with a lot of opinions about this, i invite you to comment on her blog with me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Answers

are in the comments here.

About Last Night

in case you were wondering, the quiz last night was super fun. (at least from my perspective. which is probably skewed because i'm the chick with the mic, but whatever.)

and so because you asked, here are the questions. try not to cheat. :)


******

Round One: General

  1. What is the largest continent?
  2. What is the chemical symbol for sulphur?
  3. What is the name of the blogging service that’s powered by Google? (little shout-out there, IIFs)
  4. In the same vein, what does HTML stand for?
  5. What is the capital of Tennessee?
  6. Who directed the movie, “Lost in Translation?”
  7. Who was the 17th President of the US?
  8. In what state is Wal-Mart headquartered?
  9. How many wives did Henry VIII have?
  10. Spell [uh...the word that's the type of singing group i'm in, where we sing without accompaniment]:


Round Two: Current Events

  1. What former Playboy Playmate filed for divorce this week?
  2. Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson has called for the United States to assassinate the President of what country today?
  3. Dennis Rader began serving his life sentence last week. He had wanted to be known as BTK. What does BTK stand for?
  4. Why were Elisa B., Emily B., Kristine H., Lisa R., Kim M. and E.G. in the news today? (Hint: they are three female couples.)
  5. Who will play the lead role in the upcoming biopic on Johnny Cash?
  6. What US state announced yesterday that it is suing the federal government, challenging Bush’s No Child Left Behind Law?
  7. As you and Alan are sadly aware, James “Scotty” Doohan died last month at age 85. What was his nationality?
  8. Last week Target retail stores purchased every single advertisement in what publication?
  9. At about 9 a.m. today, an adult video store on 6th street became even dirtier than usual. Why?
  10. What movie was number one at the box office last weekend?


Round Three: for the kid in all of us...Disney

  1. Mickey Mouse first appeared in what 1928 animated feature?
  2. The song, “When You Wish Upon a Star*” comes from which animated Disney movie?
  3. Disney employees – such as those who work in the stores and in the parks – are given what term? (They’re not called “employees.**")
  4. In the movie, Beauty & the Beast, who was the voice of the candlestick, Lumiere?
  5. Which opened first? Disney World or Disneyland?
  6. What was the name of the skunk in Bambi?
  7. In what animated movie can you hear the question, “What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?”
  8. Of the seven dwarfs, Dopey has three unique features. Name one of them.
  9. Roy Disney has had a rocky relationship with the Walt Disney company over the years, but is still consulting with them. What is Roy’s relationship to Walt?
  10. You all know that scene from Lady & the Tramp where they’re eating spaghetti together. What is the name of the song that’s being played?

Round Four: Picture Round -- Identify the Film That These "Invisibles" Are From
(note: these were taken w/o permission from filmwise.com, which is an awesome site)

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Round Five: Music
(at the pub, i actually play excerpts from the songs below and teams just have to ID the artists; since that's not possible here, you can try and guess based on the titles -- but it's not as fun...)

  1. "Tell Him"
  2. "What A Little Moonlight Can Do"
  3. "Hush Little Baby" (as performed by the singer who did "Don't Worry Be Happy" which is a dead giveaway but oh well)
  4. "Let's Hear it for the Boy"
  5. "I Will" (the Beatles song, performed by a female soloist)
  6. "Tootsie Roll" (circa 1994, if that helps)
  7. "Save the Last Dance***"
  8. "Start the Commotion"
  9. "Get an Ugly Woman to Marry You"
  10. "Different Drum" (the version playing at the end of Dodge Ball, not the original)


Round Six: for the adults we are supposed to be...Sex

  1. Within 3 years, when were the first birth control pills commercially introduced?
  2. “Venus observa" is a technical term for what?
  3. What is the best-selling bra size in America?
  4. What is the name of the “alternative/sex” club located at 74 Otis street in SOMA?
  5. Who said, “Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.”
  6. True or false: Women with Ph.D.s are twice as likely to be interested one-night stands as those who only have their Bachelor's degrees?
  7. More Americans lose their virginity in this month than in any other.
  8. Who authored the revolutionary sex study entitled "Human Sexual Response" in 1966
  9. What actress delivered the infamous line: “You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow?”
  10. What porn star is sometimes known as “the hedgehog”?

Round Seven: More General Trivia

  1. Who wrote The Faerie Queene?
  2. The cocktail known as the Kir Royale involves two ingredients: crème de cassis, and what else?
  3. What US state’s name shares no letters with its capital?
  4. What is the French word for morning?
  5. What was the first movie (in the US) to be released on DVD?
    Hint: the tagline was “It Sucks.”
    Hint two: it was 1996
  6. You all know the Norse God of thunder, right? But who’s the Norse God of the Vikings?
  7. Dr. Arthur Agatstan has written a very well known book that’s incited quite a dieting craze. What book did he write?
  8. Who was the host of MTV’s first Real World / Road Rules challenge?
  9. In what US state will you find the island of Nantucket?****
  10. The Tower of London is the most visited "ancient" monument in the United Kingdom. What is the second most visited?
    (please note here that the term 'ancient' is not being used in any sort of technical way, and that i got this information from the site's own webpage. so don't get all huffy about it, like folks did last night.)

hope you enjoy. and also, in case you're wondering***** sometimes when i'm pressed for time, i just come up with stuff off the top of my head.

for example. my best friend got married four years ago and they made CDs with their favorite songs to give to guests as a wedding favor. (so cute!) anyway, i converted the songs on the CD to mp3s JUST last weekend. thus, three of them are in my music round.

this got me thinking about weddings, though. like my own. which would explain...


*my wedding song. yeah, i know. but i grew up a huge disney fan, so what are you gonna do? (i even got engaged in disneyworld. and honeymooned there.

**and worked in the disney store when i was in high school.

***and speaking of disney and my best friend, our families used to vacation there. which got me thinking about my best friend's whole family and her mom especially. whose favorite song this is.

****prior to the disneyworld honeymoon, i was actually wed on nantucket. it was lovely.

*****i know you weren't.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Quiz Mistress Rides Again

tomorrow night i am moderating the pub quiz at the castle.

that means that i need to come up with 20 general trivia questions, 10 current events questions, 10 pictures, 10 songs, and 20 special subject questions in the next 24 hours.

so far, i have the ten pictures.

typical. just sooooo typical....

Sunday, August 21, 2005

"He Sounds Okay..."

says my dad on the phone this morning*, "but you should probably wait a few more weeks before letting him get to first base."

and then he laughed at me.





*who i don't need to tell anything directly anymore thanks to this handy-dandy blog thingamajig. because seriously, mentioning a guy to my dad is not the world's easiest task. though it's nothing -- NOTHING -- compared to the sheer terror that accompanies actually introducing a new guy to my dad...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

So A Stand-Up Walks In...

below is the transcript of a conversation i've totally made up.

it's a conversation between me and...well...you.

in this case, you = the Collective Lot of Invisible Internet Friends, or, you know, "Cliif."

i think this means i've officially gone off the deep end of the blog ocean, but whatever. we knew it was coming.
*****

Cliif: kristy, i notice you haven't been blogging much lately. don't you understand that if you don't post things regularly, i'll get bored and leave you, never to return?

me: i do know that, i'm sorry, it's just --

Cliif: don't apologize, just bear in mind the age-old question: if a blog is published in a forest and no one is there to read it, does it even exist?

me: wow, cliif, that's kinda heavy. i mean, are you asking me to consider how the advent of personal blogging has subverted the natural relationship between author and reader, challenging more traditional notions of literary genre and its dependence -- geez, even its very defintion -- on audience? because certainly blogging puts things in a new--

Cliif: christ, no, kristy. i meant you should just post more often. preferably with pictures of your ass. or your hot friends.

me: oh.

Cliif: so what's the hold up?

me: um. well, that's the thing. i have sort of started seeing someone.

Cliif: hahahahahaha! that's a good one.

me: well it's not like, serious or anything...

Cliif: wait, you're not kidding?

me: no. thanks for the encouragement, though.

Cliif: oh whatever. so when did this happen?? and wait -- why haven't you said anything??? i thought that's what i was here for!

me: yeah i know, but um. well, it's just that every time i've ever mentioned a guy to you, things haven't worked out.

Cliif: oh i see. yes, yes, that's very logical...

me: you're being sarcastic.

Cliif: of course i'm being sarcastic. but since you mention it, why ARE you telling me about him?

me: well, when i mentioned my blog to him, he--

Cliif: you told him about your blog!?!? have you not been paying attention at all!?!? honestly, kristy. the rule is that you do NOT tell the guy about your blog before you tell me about the guy. isn't that what we discussed?

me: i know, i know. but--

Cliif: you met him online, didn't you?

me: what's that got to do with this?

Cliif: i knew it.

me: just wait a second. sheesh. yes, i did meet him online but no, i didn't go searching for him. i cancelled my online personals subscriptions and i stopped posting ridiculous things on craigslist, just as i said i would. and i even thought all my craigslist posts had expired. really i did. but then out of the blue i got this like, "late entry" from a guy who sounded pretty great. it came through an hour before the post expired.

Cliif: that's great. i might even say that's conspicuous timing, but i don't know anything about this guy yet, so i'll hold off on my judgments. and anyway, this doesn't explain why you told him about me.

me: well, i didn't exactly PLAN on telling him about you. i mean, we exchanged emails and briefly chatted on the phone and agreed to meet. and i didn't mention you at all.

Cliif: until...?

me: until he started talking about comedic writing.

Cliif: wait wait wait. he just happened to be talking about comedic writing? before you told him about me? why?

me: well, that's what he does. i mean, sort of. like me, he has a very respectable day job, but also like me, he would rather be a professional comedic writer.

Cliif: so he's funny?

me: yes. and actually, he moonlights as a stand-up comedian. did you not see the title of this post?

Cliif: no, i ignore those.

me: aww, man.

Cliif: get over it.

me: *sigh*

Cliif: oh, but i get it now! "so a stand-up walks in," eh?

me: yeah.

Cliif: in where?

me: in where? so you don't actually get it at all.

Cliif: guess not.

me: see, i was trying to like, have it sound like the opening line to a joke. get it? but the rest of the line is open for interpretation, in a cool and vague way. meaning like, i dunno. this guy has walked in...into the picture? or...into a bar? or... into my life?

Cliif: a bar or your life? aren't those the same things?

me: very funny.

Cliif: see? i could be a comedy writer, too.

me: that's very meta.

Cliif: no one likes it when you use terms like that, you know.

me: fine. whatever. are we done here?

Cliif: absolutely not. i want to know what you told him about me.

me: i just told him that i enjoy writing for comedic effect but that i am not brave enough to do stand-up, so i pour my energies into entertaining invisible internet people.

Cliif: uh huh. and does he know you have made-up conversations with me, too?

me: hmm. he will now, i guess.

Cliif: oh, so he reads you? and he doesn't think you're crazy?

me: no, he knows i'm crazy. i believe what he actually said was that i have "more than a passing acquaintance with Crazy."

Cliif: he's right, you know.

me: thanks.

Cliif: hey, i should know.

me: true.

Cliif: so does he think you're a big dork for having a blog?

me: you know, i'd think you of all people would be more sensitive to my blogging. and anyway no, he doesn't. in fact, he even has a blog himself.

Cliif: get out! is it any good?

me:
of course it is. he's just started it, though, so it's still pretty new.

Cliif: uh, link please.

me: here you go.

Cliif: so you're really seeing this guy? The Comic?

me: it would so seem.

Cliif: wonders never cease.

me: nice attitude.

Cliif: hey, i've seen your fridge.

me: oh, right.

Cliif: yeah. and anyway, none of this explains why you haven't been posting for the last couple weeks.

me: *blush* actually, it does. between work and um...well, quite a few late nights...

Cliif: oh really!? late nights, huh? well, hello! details!

me: *gasp* never! a lady doesn't kiss and tell. ( or, you know, make out and tell...)

Cliif: "make out?"

me: shhh. yes. now shutup.

Cliif: oh whatEVER. and since when did you become a "lady"?

me: hey! i have standards.

Cliif: need i remind you of the boxed wine and straw incident?

me: no.

Cliif: okay then fine, i won't. but you'd better get to posting again about something. because Comic or no Comic, standards or no standards, if you don't shape up, i'm soooo outtie.

me: uh, did you just say "outtie"? because that is seriously outdated.

Cliif: hey. don't blame me. blame the chick at the keyboard.



Friday, August 19, 2005

Where the Hell Have You Been?

it seems i have fallen behind.

again.

at least this time, it's been for a very good reason.

details to follow...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Of Marriage And Single Life

since we're on the subject of my Man-Repellant Fridge and my destiny as a single woman, i thought i'd share with you one of the greatest expositions on marriage ever written.

not, as you might think from the title of this post, by Francis Bacon (because of course all of you also studied renaissance and pre-restoration literature, right? i mean, certainly my professors must be proud of my subsequent literary feats, which have mostly come in the form of describing stick figures and/or food particles that end up in and around my cleavage. yeah. my apologies to dr. pandit.).

anyway, so this bacon guy wrote things like, "Certainly the best works, and of greatest merit for the public, have proceeded from the unmarried or childless men, which both in affection and means have married and endowed the public."

and you know, sure, that's something to consider.

but far more profound an exposition is one that does not come from my dusty norton anthology. no. it is instead a very special essay on love, marriage, and the ultimate failing of so many relationships.

written by a four-year old.


(click for larger)

and it reads, with some slight edits (though i have to say the original totally has a spenserian quality to it, which i'm allowed to point out because it's my post and i'll reference obscurish renaissance literature if i want to):

once a miller had three sons
and when they were old enough to marry a girl,
they set off to marry a girl.

when they married a girl,
they danced together,
they ate together,
they walked together,
they played together,
they watched tv together.

soon there came a time
when things began to get boring.
the end.


i think young allan might be on to something.



Friday, August 12, 2005

Hard To Believe I'm Still Single

i must've been out that day because i totally missed the Life Class on How to Keep a Stocked Refrigerator.

i have absolutely no idea how people do it. it's baffling to me.

i mean, i would love to be able to be all dramatic and tragic and chalk this problem up to my having Food Issues, but that's just not the case. i honestly think it's more a matter of not knowing when i'll be home, or what i'll be in the mood to eat when i am, and not wanting to buy tons of stuff i'll just have to throw away.

because you know what the opposite of this

is, don't you?

it's having every single square inch of your fridge filled with food and condiments and leftovers that you will never, ever touch again...but that you don't throw out because that would be "wasteful."

of course, we need to be clear here. stuff accumulates in the fridge at first because throwing it out would be wasteful; eventually you don't throw it out because you're afraid that if you go to pick it up, it will show you that it's grown legs and is capable of actually running away from you.

and having perhaps maybe gone that route in my life maybe possibly, i now err on the side of going to the grocery and saying things like, "am i really going to eat this whole thing?" and if my answer is no, i don't buy it.

the exception to this rule is if i'm preparing to cook a meal for a special occassion (the special occassion usually being the fact that i am going to cook a meal). and then i will buy things i know i will probably not finish but definitely need.

and so you have what equates to the current state of my refrigerator.

and, well, the current state of my Single Older Chick-hood, as below:



  1. i am not sure why i felt the need to ensure that the butter take up as little space as possible, since if it wanted to, the butter could spread itself across three refrigerator shelves and not run out of room. but there it is, compact on its side. allowing room for other groceries should they suddenly appear.

    for the record? i have no idea when i bought this butter. or why. i think it was for something i made for thanksgiving.

    i am not kidding.


  2. this goat cheese i bought on a whim a few weeks ago, because i adore goat cheese. why i bought this kind instead of a fresher kind, i don't know. as i said, it was kind of an impulse purchase.

    some people impulse-buy people magazine. i impulse-buy chevre. whatev...re.

    oh, and?


    check it. only one week overdue. aren't you proud?

  3. yes, well. this is in fact the boxed wine that Brian of the Boxed Wine brought to me as an early birthday present. in june. and i will have you know that i went home and opened it and drank -- over the course of several days -- most of it.

    but i'm not really sure how long boxed wine keeps once opened. so after about two weeks i decided i probably shouldn't drink any more of it.

    so why didn't you throw it away, then?

    good question. and um, well.

    the truth is, i didn't want to throw it away because it looks so good in my fridge. the box is big and elegant and takes up space that would otherwise be barren. every time i open my fridge door, it's as though the wine is saying to the rest of the full-fridge world, "hey! who needs groceries when you have invisble friends who buy you wine boxes?"

    and isn't that a nice thing for it to say?

    what? your boxed wine doesn't talk to you?

  4. you would think that, given how easily accessible my fridge shelves are to clean, that i might, you know, clean them?

    i am pretty sure this spot is from the sangria i made for a party. last october.
anyway, assuming you are still reading this entry (because if reading about how completely insane i am with special regard for the paucity that is my fridge isn't a thrill-a-second, i don't know what is), i would like to take a few moments to point out that there are, in fact, additional items in my fridge door.

items that speak, in varying degrees, to the likelihood of my remaining single forever.

and so i give you now...


Exhibit A:
this is a bottle of raspberry viniagrette salad dressing.

i bought this dressing to go with the salad i made that accompanied the first full-fledged dinner i prepared in my then-new apartment. almost a year ago.

see, i decided to make an actual meal for TheBoy, because that's what girlfriends do, especially when they are proving that they actually can be incredibly skilled at domesticity if they really want to be.

and though i thought i'd done a pretty good job of pulling my act together, when i asked him how he'd liked the dinner, his response wasn't what i'd hoped.

me: so? what did you think?

TheBoy: um, it was good. [pause. pause.] i don't think you should do it again, though.

me: was it that bad?

TheBoy: no, it's not that. it was just...it seemed like an awful lot of work for you.

sigh.

guess my breezy elegance finds its way into my attempts at domesticity, too. only here instead of tripping and falling, it invovles me being so out of my element making dinner that my boyfriend felt totally uncomfortable.

oh, and? speaking of breezy elegance...

Exhibit B:
this is a bottle of classic viniagrette salad dressing.

i bought this dressing to go with the salad i made that accompanied the second full-fledged dinner i prepared in my apartment. about five months later.

this time, i invited TheBoy, el_gallo, and DG for dinner on the idea that it wouldn't be too hard if i just made a fondue. and mostly it wouldn't have been, except for that fucking breezy elegance (again) which crept in at the last minute. somewhere around the time i realized i needed to remove the steaming broccoli from the stove but don't actually own potholders.

which would be the same time i oh-so-breezily decided to improvise and just use my dishtowel.

which would be the time i set the dishtowel on fire.

i did manage to put the fire out, but had to throw the broccoli away. you don't need to be a domestic goddess to know that if your broccoli's so mushy you need a spoon to pick it up, you probably shouldn't.

um. anyway, getting back to our point, i haven't thrown these bottles away yet because...

actually, i don't know why i haven't thrown them out, but here's a picture of what Classic Viniagrette dressing looks like after a few months:




moving on.

Exhibit C:
this is a bottle of Rose's Lime Juice. it is one of the limited items in my fridge that i will now refer to as Active Groceries ("Active Groceries" = groceries that are not expired and are consumed with any sort of regularity).

granted, it's an Active Grocery only because i also have vodka in the freezer. but whatever.


Exhibit D:
just when maybe you thought i couldn't show more evidence of having the World's Most Man-Repellant Fridge, we come to this.

this is a bottle of water i keep in the fridge and refill regularly from my filtered tap.

but not for me.

it's for my cats.


Exhibit E:
this is the second Active Grocery in my fridge. it is a bottle of horseradish sauce that i keep because if i could i would put horseradish sauce on pretty much everything.


and there you have it -- the reason the guy at the indian food restaurant knows me so well...



My Non-Socio-Political Refrigerator

i'll have more to say on the subject when i'm not at work.

but um. yep.



this is how it always is. i just thought i'd provide proof that i have food-storage issues...

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Older Single Chick Blog

so, sure. there are men who are infuriating.

but then there are men who are just so...uhm...just completely and utterly and profoundly misguided that they just make me shake my head in wonderment.

one such man was brought to my attention this morning. this guy has a blog filled with horrible, bilious, misogynistic drivel. he mostly refers to women as "dumb bitches."

here's a sample sentence of his:

How much credit should we give dumb bitches, when speaking thier opinion?

ah, yes. indeed. a question for the ages.

*blink*

anyway, my point in bringing this up at all is that for some completely inexplicable reason, he links to me.

as in, like, this blog. which he oh-so-charmingly refers to as "older single chick blog."

the blog world is weird.

so i'm just left to wonder if i should be flattered or horrified. i mean, given that i am pretty much everything he espouses to hate, i find it fascinating that he has given credit to this dumb bitch.

*scratches head*

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I Am A Gremlin (Quick Change Of Subject)

it's super late and a few good posts are way, way overdue.

uh, as usual.

not that i have any.

but so just to change the subject already, i will now post a picture of me.

actually, it's a picture of my shadow. i took it in the cab ride home from a sunday at zeitgeist. i'd had my hair up in pigtail-bun things, thinking i was cute. but there are no mirrors at zeitgeist -- because why would there be? -- so i hadn't really noticed how my semi-neatly done hair (after a few hours of socializing in a beer garden on a hot day) had gone awry.

until i got into a cab to go home and saw my shadow.

and laughed at myself.

and took a picture.


i don't think "fly aways" captures it...




(i know this is a lame post, but we needed to move on. feel free to ignore.)

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The 25 Dates Thing

wow.

i mean, really. wow.

so you know how i made a point of saying that i don't talk about my internet dates here? and then there was that anonymous commenter who was awfully mean in response?

yes, well. apparently, he's posted elsewhere, too.

seems he's written a long, incredibly harsh comment on a fairly public blog about how our date -- and mostly i -- was intolerable. in a nutshell, he indicated that i am a fat, boring, alcoholic who completely mispresented herself and whom he wanted to run from the moment after he saw me. (in fact, he said i made him want to kill himself).

this despite that he remained on said date for at least four hours (HALFWAY through which he gave me his business card with all his information, incidentally -- because if that doesn't scream "i'm not into you at all" i don't know what does) and that it was i who ended the date...though none-too-delicately, i'll admit.

one must presume he's bitter.

regardless, no one wants to read about how horribly unattractive and unappealing someone else finds them. especially not publicly. which is precisely why i've refrained from doing so myself*. (not that i'd ever, ever be so mean.)

but now my wounded ego and i feel the need to clarify a few things about my recent dating life.
  • first, 25 dates does not mean 25 guys. it means 25 dates.

  • second, i threw the number 25 out there with a bit of whimsy. and "the past month" was rounded out as well. sometimes, i write for effect.

  • third, the dates aren't working out for lots of reasons. i have had to say/write "sorry, i'm not interested" more times than i have been told it.
  • most importantly (particularly in reference to this one guy), i think the reason i continue to let the men know about my blog ahead of time is because i never, ever want to be accused of misrepresenting myself.
this guy said in his post that if he'd read my blog, there would have been no date. and clearly, this would have been a better situation for us both.

ouch.

i will just try and remind myself that "boring" is subjective and my weight loss is inevitable.

and that mean people suck.


*though how tempted am i to post his name and contact information?

Saturday, August 06, 2005

This Cool World

hi, so random, but i was just suddenly struck (again) by how cool the internet is.

well, the internet and the world.

i say this because it occurred to me that hey -- there are some knitting references in harry potter. and so i thought, "i wonder if there are any websites out there with knitting patterns related to harry potter, because that would be cool."

one entry into google:
HARRY POTTER KNITTING

found 168,000+ results.

doesn't that just make you happy?


More Instruments To Take From Me When I've Been Drinking

i don't want to alarm anyone, but this is actually going to be a post about knitting.

well, sure, knitting and drinking but whatever. technicalities.

so yeah. knitting. i'm even wearing my Yarn Ho t-shirt today (and i probably shouldn't admit that wearing the t-shirt makes me feel cool, like i'm in some sort of secret badass society where the words "yarn" and "ho" mean something cryptic and profound a la it's a yarn thing, you wouldn't understand except, as i said, cool).

anyway. first i will tell you about the thing i knitted and didn't fuck up.

and that would be a really cool scarf i made for my friend, DG whose birthday party i went to last night (this will be pertinent later when we get into why i shouldn't drink and take photos but please, let's stay focused on knitting).

i wasn't self-assured enough to make this scarf because it involves PSSOing and such, and really i'm just barely comfortable with YOs.

(aren't you totally impressed with my secret badass code?)

so i bought big rowan wool and used gimungous needles (35s, people!) and did a turkish (badass, no? "turkish" -- like i'm in the CIA or some bond movie or something) stitch and made DG a nice scarf.

in case you're wondering, knitting with 35s is kind of like eating soup with a serving spoon.

and so--WAIT! WHAT'S THIS!? PICTURES??? RELEVANT TO MY STORY??? yes, folks. i actually have started taking pictures of things i write about. miracles happen.

so like, look! here's a picture of the needles i'm talking about!



(i did not suggest that my pictures would be, in any way, good. or interesting.)

well and fine. truth be told, i had to include the picture of the needles because it's not blurry whereas the pictures of the finished product kind of suck because i hadn't been shown how to use such things as "flash" on my camera yet. (more on that below.)

so here's the stitch, which you totally can't make out (oh, but? you can totally click on these for larger images, meaning at least i can figure out how to thumbnail pictures now which almost makes up for not knowing where the flash is. almost.):




and the finished scarf:



('cuz i know you IIFs love my cheetah-print chair!)

so right. that was my latest successful knitting project.

but um. remember like a hundred million years ago when Snarky decided that i should make her the impossible chemo cap because it is ribbed for her pleasure? and i couldn't turn her down because she's such a good friend that she'll wear her CondomHat?
well, i finally finished it.

it has some issues.

see, what they don't show you in the stupid pictures of the chemo cap is that the top of the cap is also patterned. differently. and it's hard. and there is so so so much counting.

and of course, when i got to that part, there was so so so much wine.

so sure, from the side? straight on? the cap worked out. i mean, here's Snarky wearing it, even! just last night!



cute, huh?

but then there's the top part.

APPARENTLY, the top is supposed to look kind of like...i guess like a star? whatever, little ribbed things somehow branch out from the center of the cap. but since this is indicated IN NO WAY in any of the instructions or photos, i didn't know that until i was done knitting it.

and only once i was done knitting it did i realize the extent to which i screwed it up.

like so:



yeah.

lesson? do not attempt knitting in the round with size 5 needles when there is counting AND wine.

ignoring that for a moment, however, did you notice that you could actually see Snarky and her hat in the pictures? and that the pictures weren't blurry?

that is because i discovered last night (after a cocktail or two) how to use flash*. and i celebrated this fact at DG's birthday party by taking a quadrillion pictures.

oh, and lemme tell ya', they are GREAT photos.

much like i should know to put the knitting needles away as soon as the second glass of wine is poured (which, by the way, is totally NOT bond-like, since bond gets even more badass when he drinks his non-stirred martinis whereas i have two glasses of wine and lose my ability to tie knots on sticks), i should also know when it's a good time to put the camera away.

or else things will happen like i will end up with not one but THREE (as in one, two, three) pictures of...

...wanna guess?...

...nope! not my non-date!

nope! not my my friends (though there are roughly 962 shots of the same three people posing in the same way).

and nope! not the bar, the bartenders, the gifts, or anything else one might take pictures of at a bar-based birthday celebration.

no. because i? i took three pictures of the table candle.









one must assume there was a reason for this. and i would be happy to hear suggestions as to what that reason may have been.

in the meantime, i need to find a new knitting project.



*actually, i didn't so much discover it...but the guy i was on an internet non-date with did. he showed up and was very quiet and aloof (totally cute though) and when he asked why i was taking pictures without the flash i said, 'because i don't know where it is.' he then took my camera from me and clicked it on. i will probably never see him again.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Pipe Dreams

this is totally random, but fueled by another completely mediocre internet date and two hendricks (thanks, TheBoy) martinis:

someday i will have my own blog template with unique site design and logo and URL.

someday.

*end gin-induced blog-dream*

The Restaurant Guy

like my father, i'm very much a creature of routine. i'm pretty good with change, but i do like to be able to rely on some things in life being constant.

we all do.

for example: when i have no plans at night at all, i like to go get indian food at place around the corner.

when i enter the restaurant, the owner says hello to me. he confirms that i want chicken tikka masala and rotee, and i say yes. i pay for it while we make fairly idle chit-chat. eventually he resumes working and i wait for the food to be ready. sometimes i talk on my cell phone, sometimes i knit, sometimes i peruse a magazine. sometimes i just sit and stare.

when the food's ready, i go home with it. once home, i put on sweats and pop in a random episode of sex and the city and then eat my dinner while fending off my cat, sherlock (featured below).


(look! a useful picture! totally off-topic! who cares!)


then i spend the rest of my night-by-myself poking around online or writing or reading or whatever.

and that's my routine.

so! when the friendly man at the restaurant -- who is probably 20 years older than i am, by the way -- offers to take me out on a saturday night for drinks as his "guest," well, that's a bit disturbing.

see, in my routinized head, this man is the nice older guy who runs the restaurant down the street. who is also (in my head) married with kids and maybe even grandkids. i "love" him because he is always there, he is always friendly, he is always happy to provide me with my dinner. it's just a neighborhoody thing to do.

but date him? that just seems weird. and not just because of the age difference nor the fact that i am not attracted to him.

it's weird because -- well, like, have you ever run into someone from one part of your life somewhere else...and it just seemed wrong? like, seeing someone from your neighborhood in a different part of town? or seeing someone you recognize from riding your bus at your gym? or seeing someone from your work at a nightclub? or seeing your local bartender at the grocery store? how about seeing one of your teachers in any kind of normal, non-work social setting?

and you think, "hey, you're not supposed to exist outside of your role in my life!"

and of course i realize i'm being ridiculous, i'm just saying that this is why i found the drink invitation so disconcerting.

you know?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

so...tired...

just a little note to say that:
  • i have new yarn and knitting updates

  • i have pictures that aren't totally undecipherable, but still pretty not-so-good that i'll be posting anyway

  • i haven't yet told you about some of the other WORST things men have ever said to me

  • i am really, actually, truly swearing off internet dating SOON*

and things of that ilk. try and contain your excitement.

in the meantime, i'll just say that i had a very disconcerting moment tonight, when the man who i have come to know and love (because he runs the indian restaurant i absolutely depend upon for carb-happy meals) threw my world into a tailspin by asking me out for drinks. GAH!

more on this (and everything) soon.



*after like, just one or two more. i swear.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Brilliant Missy and Dr.Dan Bid SF Adieu

it's hard not to cry while writing this, but i'm at work and doing my best.

i can't express how much i adore and will miss my Brilliant Friend Missy and her husband, Dr. Dan who had to be all doctor-y and get a teaching position on the east coast now that he's gotten his big ole' fancy Ph.D. from stanford.

show off.

anyway, Missy is, among other things, a very creative artist and has requested that i post this here.

as republished from craigslist:
****

Hello... I am an artist who has been working in San Francisco for the past few years. I've loved every minute here, but I will be moving to the East Coast in just 3 weeks. I would really appreciate your help with one more piece. Please, help me say goodbye.

Call this number: [deleted 8-7-05, thanks for the help!]

When the answering machine picks up, tell me what you would miss most if you had to move away from San Francisco. If you'd like, wish me good luck in Philadelphia.

We may not know each other, but we've shared this city. I would like to have my final project here be a group effort, too. Thank you.