Body Ish-ues

so tell me.

what kind of guy dates a fat chick?

also, if you are a fat chick, do you want your partner to prefer heavier women? or to just be "okay" with them? or do you want yourself to be the exception? or, if you're like me and are not okay with your size, do you also want your partner to not be okay with your size, but somehow still be attracted to you?

yeah, hi.

for those of you who are just joining* our program...

[crickets chirp. chirp, chirp.]

...i am currently dating this man, who goes by "Ish" in the blogosphere. so as you can already see by the title of this post, i am a very witty and clever woman.

well, okay sure. a witty and clever woman with lots and lots of issues. but still.

anyway, since we were on the subject of weight and all, i thought i'd just keep the ball rolling because, gosh, weren't we having fun down there? i know i sure was.

and so those questions up there? those are hard ones for me. ones i haven't quite been able to work out exactly.

(and i should state right here that i'm not writing this in the hopes that you will help me work it out, i'm just opening up the conversation because i know you all have some thoughts on the subject and your own personal stuff to work out, too. wheeee.)

* * * *

FIRST of all, let's start with the fact that i am not really a big fan of fat. in fact, i tend to find fat unattractive. uh, and insomuch as i am not a fan of fat, i find it somewhat problematic that I SEEM TO HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF IT HANGING AROUND ME.

right. suffice it to say, i am not happy with my size. which is why i am doing my best to rid myself of the fat. for good reasons, in good ways, in good time.

but if i am not happy with or comfortable with my size, is it reasonable for me to expect Ish to be?

i don't think it is.

but do i want my partner to be attracted to me? well, duh. of course i do.

so what does that actually mean? what does that actually translate to? well, i realized that, essentially, i am saying that i want Ish to be more attracted to me than...well, than i am.

how weird is that?

* * * *

on the other hand, i DON'T want Ish (or any partner) to be so okay with me as-is that it doesn't matter to him if i do or don't lose weight.

i want him to be somewhat un-okay with my weight now. i want him to WANT someone who is the best they can be (and the best they can look). i want him to feel like he deserves the best version of me.

and because i don't think this is it -- why should he?

AND. here's the super fucked-up thing.

not only do i want my partner to be un-okay with me now, but i go so far as to feel like guys who ARE totally okay with me at my current weight have lower standards than i do. and that is unattractive to me.

so yes. i am effectively saying that i am not attracted to men who are attracted to me.

HAHAHAHAHA.

ISSUES? TABLE FOR ONE?


okay, but seriously. after many years, i realize what this boils down to is this: i do not want to date men who -- as a rule -- like big girls.

i AM just fine with guys who DON'T tend to like bigger girls, but who just happen to like me. you know, the ones who think that i rock, and that i'm pretty damn hot just because i am. AND if/when i lose weight, i'll be even hotter.

which is where Ish falls on the acceptance continuum.

yay! so all's well, right?

right!

except!!

issues!!!

* * * * * *
it is perhaps sad, but i know what it feels like to be thin. i know how different it is than being un-thin. when i am thin, i am treated entirely differently everywhere i go. i am perceived as being more attractive, more sought-after, more healthy, more viable, more confident, more in control. oh, and happier. because -- right, MeJane? -- it means i'm "taking care of myself."

*eyeroll*

now, i don't make excuses for the way i look today. i carry myself with every bit as much confidence as the thin-me (or at least i try). and i don't behave differently, either. (i used to.) i have grown up enough that i do, say, go, act, try, be who i want to be, all the time, even if i somehow have less credibility insodoing because of my size.

but i wonder if it's as easy for Ish. you know, i've been fending off biases and prejudices and all that stuff my whole life. but he hasn't. far as i can tell, he has only been with beautiful, thin (or at least certainly thinner) women. and he himself -- save for a stint in adolescence -- has also always been thin and in good shape.

so i repeat, what kind of guy dates a fat chick? why is Ish dating a heavy girl? i KNOW he's okay with it and i KNOW he doesn't give a shit about the following, but i do. because i have deep-seated insecurities and a dislike of being heavy so ingrained in me.

i wonder if his friends wonder... mostly i assume that once they've met me, they get it. they get that i'm plenty attractive as-is and that Ish isn't somehow compromising by being with me. we're not in high school anymore. but i get high-schoolish doubts. plus there is NO way that at least one of his acquaintances (or mine!) doesn't fall into the "she's a great girl, if only..." line of thinking.

i wonder if people on the street wonder... i wonder how strangers perceive him when he is by himself and if that's different when he's with me and if it'd be different still if he were with a thinner, attractive woman. i have certainly been guilty of seeing a couple and thinking "why is HE with HER?" (for any of a million reasons). i just wonder if someone's ever seen us and wondered that, too.

[please note: i do not obsess about this. these are thoughts that cross my mind sometimes and i'm just finally writing them down.]

i wonder if his family wonders... well, actually, i know they do. i don't know to what extent, but i know that my weight has come up as a non-positive, as i suspect it would be in/among any family that emphasizes fitness. i don't blame them. i -- obviously -- expect it.

i wonder if my family wonders... i don't know, really, what or how every member of my family thinks of my weight. i do know that when i told my father that i'd started seeing someone, he asked, "oh? and does he like bigger girls?" which of course made me wince. but it's a totally legitimate question, isn't it?

* * * * *

in sum -- hello. i did not put anything out there very neatly, but these are the sorts of things that have been sitting all jumbly in my head and frankly, i'd rather they be all jumbly out here. thanks.





*i have no idea why i think new people are reading this blog.