I have a question for the women who are overweight, but don't want to date someone who likes "big girls"--isn't it difficult to relax and enjoy sex with them, knowing that they don't like your kind of body? Personally, I know that I would feel totally self-conscious in that scenario and would probably be unable to get into it. How does that work? Are you able to turn off those issues during sex? Does it detract from the experience for you?
11:02 AM, April 10, 2006
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hello, and welcome to "We Have Issues," Volume 3.
so i was thinking over the weekend about something, sort of like what i was talking about below.
what do you want your partner's exes to look like?
do you want your partner's exes to be really pretty? how pretty? thin? how thin? ugly? how ugly?
(and i know there are LOTS of women out there who don't even want to KNOW what the exes look like. to that i say: good for them. pass me another photo album, please.)
it's an interesting question to me, and it's one to which i have no good answer. i mean, mostly i want the exes to be beautiful and thin and attractive, because i want to be thought of that way. you know, that i can hold my own among such a group.
on the other hand, how beautiful is too beautiful?
for example, i learned that one of my exes had dated (and been serious about/with) a few strippers. including one who is a modern-day pin-up girl.
at first, i was sort of like, "Wow! That's...that's kind of awesome! Those women are hot and he is attracted to me? I must be hot like that, too."
and then two seconds later i was like, "Wow! His last few girlfriends were SO HOT that people PAID MONEY to see their bodies. That's great for him. I am never taking my clothes off in his presence."
right. well, those were my knee-jerk reactions. i eventually settled somewhere in between. so to address MeJane's questions...
- i think that sex and liking my body/being naked are two different things for me. i never got over thinking that the ex (above) would have preferred looking at a better body. i always wondered if, when i was naked and perhaps in compromising positions*, he was thinking negative thoughts about what he was seeing. i wonder that with every partner, though.
- perhaps oddly, this does not stop me from getting naked. a lot. i hate wearing clothes,* frankly.
- somehow, from somewhere, my sexual self-confidence wins out. see, i would never have sex with a man who didn't seem 100%, completely into having sex with me. there are probably guys who would consider having sex with me "settling" just to "get some" but i do not, as a rule, date those men. the guys i choose to be with demonstrate that they want me -- in fact, they leave no room for doubt. (if there is room for doubt, i do not engage. my insecurities are what they are.)
- plus i know, KNOW some things about sex*:
men enjoy sex with women who enjoy sex. the more i enjoy myself, the better the experience will be for both of us. men want to feel attractive, too. no one wants to be with a partner who behaves as though what's happening is wrong, bad, un-fun, or uncomfortable. if i were to hide myself or seem ashamed, the entire experience would be diminished. i do NOT want to be with someone who seems uncomfortable being with me, being seen by me, being touched by me -- i would feel rejected. i assume the same of my partner.
WHY? WHY does he find me attractive? i don't know! from a purely physical standpoint, i have no idea. WHY is he SO interested in having sex with me? i'm really not sure. could be lots of things that have nothing to do with what i look like, maybe.
but for some reason, when it comes to sex, if he says he wants me, and demonstrates that he wants me, who am i to argue? i have no reason not to believe him. i mean, he's not lying to me. so what if i don't understand?
we can worry about my body issues in the morning.
*dear family: i swear, i am making this up.