Question
I was trying to think of a good analogy to describe what I look like in my new jeans. The best I could come up with is that I kind of look like one of those test tube things that probably has a specific name I once knew when I was 16 and now can't remember. You know what I mean? The ones that also look like funky decanters?
Except um, the way I mean it, it would have to be upside down.
You get the idea, right?
Anyway, as I was trying to remember the name for this thing I started laughing at myself* because I remembered that once, I thought** I would be good at chemistry.
I was a junior in high school then, and the first test of the year in my honors*** chemistry class was about properly naming all the equipment that we would be using in the chemistry field. You know, beakers and burners and "de-ionized water" and such.
This is all not the point though.
The point is that my ass-to-leg ratio makes me look like a walking upside-down decanter and this is not the preferred look for events such as...
...uhhh...
...well, I suppose events such as ever, if you really want to be honest about it. But in particular this is not the preferred look for when we want to actually really be somewhat breezily elegant and look nice for a special meeting at work or a dinner party or, say, meeting Ish's parents for dinner at the fanciest restaurant in San Francisco. For example.
Thus, my question is this: can I lose 73 pounds in 11 days?
Just wondering.
*In my head, not aloud in my private space at work. We try not to let on to our coworkers that we are completely insane. Shhhhhh.
**I thought this based on sound research; namely, that I was good at biology. Surely chemistry would be no different. It is all about memorization, I figured. HAHAHAHAHA.
***Because if you are going to perform miserably, you may as well perform miserably with honors.
Except um, the way I mean it, it would have to be upside down.
You get the idea, right?
Anyway, as I was trying to remember the name for this thing I started laughing at myself* because I remembered that once, I thought** I would be good at chemistry.
I was a junior in high school then, and the first test of the year in my honors*** chemistry class was about properly naming all the equipment that we would be using in the chemistry field. You know, beakers and burners and "de-ionized water" and such.
[See above, where I properly identified the "meniscus."]
[Uh, though I will tell you right now that that is the last time I properly named anything in chemistry ever again. Ever.]
This is all not the point though.
The point is that my ass-to-leg ratio makes me look like a walking upside-down decanter and this is not the preferred look for events such as...
...uhhh...
...well, I suppose events such as ever, if you really want to be honest about it. But in particular this is not the preferred look for when we want to actually really be somewhat breezily elegant and look nice for a special meeting at work or a dinner party or, say, meeting Ish's parents for dinner at the fanciest restaurant in San Francisco. For example.
Thus, my question is this: can I lose 73 pounds in 11 days?
Just wondering.
*In my head, not aloud in my private space at work. We try not to let on to our coworkers that we are completely insane. Shhhhhh.
**I thought this based on sound research; namely, that I was good at biology. Surely chemistry would be no different. It is all about memorization, I figured. HAHAHAHAHA.
***Because if you are going to perform miserably, you may as well perform miserably with honors.
Volumetric flasks. Monique
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, I only know this because I teach Chemistry. Okay, I admit it, I am a geek. M
ReplyDeleteI made the same mistake as you with chemistry. That's why I graduated with a degree in political science.
ReplyDeleteThe only way I could lose 73 pounds in 11 days would be, well, to leave my 7 year old at the mall. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteYou will meet them, and you will stun them. face it- you're charming and intelligent and sharp and loving. they should feel nervous about meeting you!
ReplyDelete-el snarkster
Barring liposuction and serious dehydration....
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you want to wear jeans to the fanciest restaurant in SF? Even if they're the dark, nice jeans, it seems like when your boyfriend's parents are taking you to that nice of a restaurant, it would be better not to wear jeans...
ReplyDeleteI could probably lose 73 pounds in 11 days...
ReplyDeleteIt would mean becoming a double amputee....then again, it wouldn't do much for the size of my ass.
Man, can I identify with your Chemistry experience. Except I had to wait until I was dumb enough to enroll in HONORS ORGANIC CHEMISTRY in COLLEGE before it really sunk in that I am not, in fact, good at Chemistry.
ReplyDeleteAnd that was probably the most entertaining thing I've ever read that included mention of volumetric flasks :)
Respectfully, I think you mean a florence flask. Former chemist.
ReplyDeleteMontannie
photo please...
ReplyDeleteK-
ReplyDeleteNow that was funny! Out of curiosity, which of the nicest restaurants are you going to be gracing with your presence?
That being said...you will be breezily elegant and will charm the pants off Ish's parents. Although, in one of the nicest restaurants in SF, they probably have a no pants, no service rule so wait until after dessert to charm them off.
Oh, and although the green sneakers are indeed some of the cutest I've ever seen, this occassion probably calls for heels (or at least cute flats).
Good luck! We're all waiting with baited breath for stories of your fabulousness.
Unsolicited advice, which is easy to say, hard to follow, and probably better ignored:
ReplyDelete- Wear a different outfit - one that makes you feel sexy.
- Stop looking, and start listening to the people who love you and think you look beautiful just the way you are. The ones who appreciate curves in the right places, the ones who truly believe you're you and that's it.
Reality? My thunder thighs match my butt, so I don't have *that* problem.
Laura
Thanks for the feedbak!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't actually planning on wearing jeans out -- I just meant that looking at myself in them recently made me wonder if I could find something to help avoid the "florence flask ass effect."
But thank you for the amputation suggestions. :)
And Kirin, I will consider a photo...
I find that if I wear jeans out to dinner, it results in awkward fumbling under the tablecloth (no, not that):
ReplyDeleteNothing comes between me and a pudding, but a denim waistband or button fly does its best. Rather than engage in high velocity button popping, I tend to wear something into which I can expand happily.
Now I'm thinking about cake...
I just realized I have officially Lived In LA For Too Long, because it never would have occurred to me not to wear jeans even to the Ivy. Of course, the jeans seen at the Ivy are $400 a pop, but whatever. It's LA. High-end denim is the uniform, unless you're at something black-tie.
ReplyDeleteI really have to visit other cities more often. This can't be healthy.
Also! If you figure out the magic secret to the weightloss dilemma, please let me know. I will pay. Do you take master card?
"***Because if you are going to perform miserably, you may as well perform miserably with honors."
ReplyDeleteThat describes very accurately my entire math and science career in high school, including my spectacular barely-passing grades in - you guessed it! - honors chemistry. I laughed out loud when I read that, and read it out loud to my husband. Love it!