Thursday, January 05, 2006

I Lie To People I Do Not Know And Confess The Truth On My Blog

this morning i went to go to the bathroom on my floor of the building, but when i got there it was full. so i decided to go up one floor and make use of the 4th floor ladies' room.

but as i was on my way, i realized i was kind of embarrassed to be visiting the 4th floor for no reason other than going to the bathroom.

so i decided i wanted to make it look like i was headed to the 4th floor for some Official Business Stuff and not just to use the potty. and i decided this could be accomplished by taking the stairs up, and then the elevator -- located in the opposite direction -- down. that way, i only walk by the 4th floor people by the stairs once.

and if they only see me walk by once, then surely i must be on their floor for some important reason.

(do not question NJ06 low-cal reasoning.)

so i walked to the bathroom, and then walked out the opposite way and was waiting for the elevator thinking my plan was pretty well executed.

until the elevator door opened and there was someone in it, which complicated matters.

because, even though i have a perfectly legitimate* reason for taking the elevator from the 4th floor to the 3rd floor, i still feel stupid for doing so. i can't very well explain why i'm not taking the stairs, you know?

uh, hi, coworker i don't know! sorry to get on the elevator and get off one floor down and interrupt your going to the lobby. i know it's only one floor and i should take the stairs, but you see, i CAN'T take the stairs because the people who sit near the stairs will see me and they will know i was only on their floor for like, three minutes and they will therefore figure out that the only reason i was there was to use the ladies' room and then they'll hate me.

right. i can't say that.

so instead, i got on the elevator and pretended that i, too, was headed down to the lobby.

oh hey, coworker i don't know! you're going all the way down to floor one? cool! me too!

but then on my way down to the 1st floor, i realized i didn't have a plan for what to do once i got there. i had no money on me so i couldn't purchase anything from the coffee stand. worse, i didn't have my security badge on me (so if i got off te elevator i wouldn't be able to get back on it since the badge is required to get on the elevators from the first floor).

thankfully, by the time we reached the lobby, i'd had an idea. i realized that if the person on the elevator with me hears that i don't have my badge on me, she will understand that i could not get off on the first floor without first retrieving it!

so when the elevator stopped at the lobby and my coworker started to get off, i pretended like i was getting off, too. but then! i cleverly touched my pocket where my badge would normally be and then feigned surprise. i exclaimed, "oh, i forgot my badge!" and stepped back on to the elevator.

and while i'm pretty sure she didn't hear me, or care, whatever. i managed to safely return myself to the third floor.

*crazy

19 comments:

  1. This is just proof that it's not only Boys who bring out the Crazy in you. Although Bob is a boy, hmmm.

    Still, a very relatable story.

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  2. Happy new year kristy... may much potty happiness be ahead for you in 2006!

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  3. YES! It's the good ol' L-O-L Kristy! That was a great little story. And although I probably would not have gone to the lengths you did, I probably would have had the same mental worries about passing the people by the stairs. I think I would have not worried about the elevator person so much and just gotten off at the 3rd floor. My mental process would have been something like, "Hey, for all you know, I have a sprained ankle or a respiratory problem, or some other condition preventing me from using the stairs, so don't look at me like that for taking the elevator one floor!" But your recovery once you reached the lobby was brilliant all the same :)

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  4. Now *that* was funny. And the funny came from the fact that it's absolutely true and sounds just like something I would do.

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  5. Its cool that you are considerate enough to know not to take the elevator if you're one floor up or down, reference my post: old ladies

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  6. See...pretty, witty...and smart!! You rock. I've found that if you carry a folder or binder under your arm and walk really fast, and look a little pissed off, people never question you. You look like you're on an important mission. The only thing to keep in mind is if you're the only woman who wears black, steel-toed Docs, (now referring back to one of your old blogs), don't forget to check under the "third" stall to see if anyone else is in there already. (Is it me, or are these v-words getting more complicated?)

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  7. Girl.. has anyone told you lately you might have some issues? ::laughing my ass off::
    And too funny that we both posted bathroom humor at the same time!

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  8. that's not lieing
    that's sheer genious

    I totally believe in the "use another floors restroom" especially if:
    A. the one on your floor stinks
    B. the one on your floor is full
    C. you need "personal time" and don't want to do so on your own floor where people know you.

    M

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  9. i am so pleased to know that there are other grown, sane women that have the same sort of thought process as me!

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  10. Oh my God. I do this kind of stuff all the time. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one who is sometimes ruled entirely by the crazy.

    Great post.

    ~Heather

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  11. That is SO something I would do. Today I went to the bathroom, but there was someone in there so OBVIOUSLY I couldn't pee. I pretended I needed to fix my hair instead.

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  12. Okay, I had to read that first line a couple of times to get that you weren't literally going to pee on the floor.

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  13. I carry a piece of paper, even though I always use the upstairs bathroom - 22 women work on my floor and the bathroom has 2 stalls and the one on 3rd floor has 8 stalls and 2 women working on that floor. These are also public bathrooms. With the paper, I always look as though I'm going to search for books in the stacks and no one can tell how many trips I make to the john.

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  14. Do you really need a security badge to ride on an elevator?

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  15. Oh my gosh, that was funny...On a slightly different note...I have been known to "hold it" if I have to go potty when there are people in the break room, because the one person ladies room is right off of the break room, and the acoustics are terrible...People in the break room can hear everything...I don't want my coworkers listening to me go potty...

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  16. This is not crazy. I do likewise - if the cleaning crew is taking up the bathroom on my floor, I scurry down to the next floor. And I just KNOW that anyone coming down the hall, who sees me coming out of the stairwell and going into the bathroom, will assume that I am a work-pooper furtively 'doing my business' on another floor. Oh yes. Because I assume that about people I see in my bathroom - "My" bathroom! - who I know came from another floor. And even though I don't know those people, and have no reason to care what they think of me, I do, and I will sometimes trip past the bathroom down the hall, until they are gone, and then I come back to the bathroom.

    By which time the crew on my floor might have been done. You're not crazy! I have been reading your blog since last summer and love it. Glad you're back up and posting regularly again. Yes, I said 'regularly' in a comment about furtive-not-work-pooping.

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  17. This story hit home... I ended up walking around my whole building (granted it's only 3 floors... but I DID hit everyone of them), using the stairs and 2 different elevators looking for my "safe haven" restroom... those bathroom breaks can get pretty complicated!

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  18. Okay, I typically refuse to use LOL in my daily use. But goddammit, that was LOL funny!

    BTW, I do the same floor hopping when I can't get the spacious handicap stall.

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