The Evils Of Dress Shopping

(note: when i first typed out the title, i accidentally wrote "The Elvis Of Dress Shopping." i'm not sure what that might be, but it sounds kind of fun and sequin-y. this entry, however, is neither about fun nor sequins. well, at least not directly about sequins.)


so a couple good friends of mine are getting married. and while god knows i could wax pseudo-prophetic on THAT topic (because weddings are emotional and meaningful and also raise lots of questions in my head about what modern marriage is, and how it does and doesn't work, and also isn't it amazing how people come together, and wow, life is unpredictable and hmmm, will i ever marry again and if so under what circumstances?), i have a more pressing concern. namely, what the hell i'm going to wear.

i don't really have a lot of dress-up clothes. i have clothes that are nice enough to go clubbing* in, and some silly/fun things to wear for occassions like new year's** but nothing i'd consider nice enough for a wedding.

and this -- of course -- means i have to go shopping for a dress, which -- of course -- is nothing short of agonizing.

i mean, shopping just for regular clothes is difficult enough. i am not even CLOSE to the weight i want to be and i HATE buying clothes for my current size. every time i buy something that fits me now it's like admitting defeat. i feel like each article of clothing is a big proclamation of how much i weigh AND a reminder of how long it takes to lose weight.

[uh, not that there's a viable alternative. much as i'd like to, i can't have a closetful of clothes that will fit me in six months and nothing to wear in the meantime. because even though that would be AWESOME motivation, there'd be that bizarre matter of having to, essentially, call in fat for work.

"um, hi, yeah...no, i won't be coming in for at least 20 more weeks....well, see, i wasn't working hard enough on losing weight so i threw out all my old clothes...yes, all of them...uh huh, right. no, but i bought all new ones!...so as soon as i drop another few sizes i'll be back...yeah, just keep my desk warm..."]

but shopping for a special-occassion dress is even worse. because a special-occassion dress isn't just something to throw on, it's something that's supposed to make you look and feel beautiful.

that's beautiful. not hidden by a shapeless sack with shoulder pads.

and here's where i start to get shrill.

becase why? WHY are the selections of dresses for sizes 14 (and up) so god-awful? i do NOT get it.

i mean, sure -- i essentially want a dress that will make me look, oh, you know, four sizes smaller. and that's maybe a little ridiculous and my burden to bear, fine. i get that dresses can only do so much.

but THAT said, i have to wonder what the designers and stores are thinking.

for example? dress makers seem not to understand that if i am a size 14 (or up) i probably have a lot of boob. (and for the record, i do. a LOT.)

so like, this style? pretty!

but where do you suggest i put my breasts? shall i just lay them out on top?

seriously. if i wore this dress i would need an entirely separate top.

and uh, speaking of tops...

why on earth are designers hell-bent on showing off women's upper-arm flab? I don't want to see it! YOU don't want to see it! NO ONE wants to see it! so why Why WHY do like, 90% of women's dresses have spaghetti straps and/or no straps at all?

consider:

in the first place, not ONLY is one's ENTIRE upper-body area on display, but those teeny tiny straps don't even hold the bust area up ON THE MANNEQUIN. look at it! the dress is SAGGING ON THE MANNEQUIN. exactly what 14+ sized human would you suggest we plop into this dress, huh?

oh, and then.

then we have waist issue. i happen to have a waist, see, and while it is not as small as it once was, it IS smaller than my hips and bustline. and for this i would like acknowledgement.

not trickery.

i do not understand the thought process here, but clearly this dress is trying to trick you into believing that the waist is the area located directly below your boobs.

interesting!

see, it has been my experience that my waist is in a very different place than my upper ribcage. and when i pretend that my waist is located just south of the boobage, all that happens is i end up looking pregnant.

and i don't know about you, but i do not enjoy the prospect of showing up at my friends' wedding only to have people ask me when i'm due.

another huge problem i have -- and this one i can't really fault the dress people for, even though i will -- is that i'm short. and so when i wear a dress that is supposed to hit "just below the knee" it actually hits me mid-calf. you know, right where the calf is largest. so instead of being able to show off my not-so-shabby legs, dresses tend to make my legs look way bigger than they are.

i usually evade his problem by wearing skirts, and (hi, confession time) hiking them allllll the way up so that the waistband is just under my brastrap. (sexy!)

the problem with separates, however, is that the formal ones -- ones nice enough for a wedding, say -- seem like they're made for matronly mothers-of-the-groom.

just ew.

really. formal separates need to get a life.

anyway, the point is (mostly) that even when a dress seems to fit all the basic requirements -- no breast spillage, no upper-arm exposure, waist at waistline, not too long -- it is made of SUPER CLINGY material.

of all the plus-size dress mysteries, this one takes the wedding cake.

are dressmakers and designers SO out of touch with the average woman that they don't know most of us aren't cellulite-free?

um, hi. just because i do not want to hide my body in some toga-like floor-lengthed "wrap" concoction does not mean i want the entire world to see where, exactly, down to the itty-bitty molecule, i am carrying excess weight.

i want to accentuate my curves, not my lumps.

i mean really. can you imagine? and horizontal stripes to boot!? in a 14!?

whatEVER.

although...

just when i thought it maybe couldn't get any more ridiculous, i found this dress:

this little number is -- uh huh -- an actual dress and it is only available in a size 16.

could someone explain?

anyone?

elvis?




*clubbing = "dancing in bars"

**silver sequined top-hat (yay! indirect sequin involvement)