Dear Stephanie:

my original post, below, has garnered so many negative comments from so many people who TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT that i feel the need to explain. again.

the point is that when i FIRST saw/heard of/read SK, my kneejerk reaction was childish. i spent all of 3 seconds summing her up and deciding i was jealous (among other things). and not until i posted about her did i ever bother to spend more than a few seconds actually evaluating my feelings.

and when i did, i saw how ridiculous i was being.

because i do NOT feel like the dorky band geek anymore, and i do NOT behave as one anymore.

but i realized that for me to be jealous of her meant i WAS behaving like a high schooler. whoops. stupid. my mistake.

thus, i apologized for my reverting. i KNOW that my being jealous does me and my adulthood and my blog and my life and my IIFs a disservice.

and i published the thing on the idea that other people might have also reverted.

THAT was the point.

so i will say now what i almost never say: if you don't like what i write, please move on.

and if you think that telling me i was better/funnier "before" is in any way helpful or constructive, you may feel free to move on as well.

because i am.

i appreciate that you came here to see what was up, and am impressed* that you took the time to comment as you did. thank you, both for your consideration and your encouragement.

the blogosphere is a funny and small world, huh?

anyway, um, i thought i might say some fairly embarrassing things now so that it's all out on the table and we're all clear about what's what.

hi, me? sometimes i may as well be 15. because -- as in this case -- i see you, i read you, i read about you, and i think i know exactly who you are.

and that would be the Homecoming Queen.


i mean, without even realizing it, that is definitely how i've come to think of you. and so by default, well... if i'm thinking of you as the Homecoming Queen, then i am also thinking of me in a regressive way. i see what you are, and unintentionally revert to my own high-school-like feelings of inadequacy and jealousy (since i most certainly was NOT the Homecoming Queen).

and that jealousy takes on a couple different forms.

when i am being rational, and not in subconscious high-school mode, my jealousy is pretty basic. it's jealousy of your book, of your acclaim, of your success. i KNOW you work hard for it all. i never meant to imply you didn't or don't still. and i absolutely know that if that's what i want, i have to work hard, too. (and i am.) it's just that you did it first and you did it really well, and so i cannot help but harbor a huge sense of "ooh, i SO wish i'd done that. i hope i still can."

you know, sort of in the same vein as thinking of a brilliant invention only to discover someone else thought of it first, patented it, and is living well off the royalties. and truth be told, i feel that way about most published authors in this genre. even though i know that if i haven't done it (yet) i really have no one to blame but myself.

um, however.

it is a LOT easier to blame others. especially when one of the others is the Homecoming Queen.

which brings us back to the non-rational, high-school-inspired jealousy. because you being the HQ makes it very, very easy for me to forget the "i have no one to blame but myself" part and indulge in the "oh yeah? what's so great about HER?" line of thinking.

and if that's what i revert to, then i may as well be a whiney band geek again, sitting in the corner of study hall with my other band geek friends, pointing out all the things wrong with the Homecoming Queen's outfit today and assuaging my bruised ego by saying, "sure, she may have THIS and THAT and THAT and THIS, but at least I don't blah blah blah..."

and i swear, i'm not in high school anymore.

no, really.

so anyway. thanks again for stopping by and for offering kind words. because if nothing else -- blogger to blogger -- you are a trailblazer.

and plus mark darcyisms are welcomed anytime.

*shocked and pretty darned humbled


  1. This is why I didn't go to either my 10 or 20 year high school reunions. Why on earth would I want to be THAT person again, or relive those days, even for a weekend? Sometimes I think we geeks have the better deal in the long run: we don't spend the rest of our lives looking back on the glory days of high school, because we didn't have them. We have to look to the future instead of the past and often forge brighter futures for ourselves.

  2. You're so cute.

    Yeah, she's pretty interesting and entertaining and maybe a little farther along that you are in terms of where you want to be career-wise. Funny thing is, I never would have discovered her if it weren't for you.

    See, I've got news for you. You are just as funny and charming and adorable as she is. And I'm sure there are plenty of people who are way more jealous of you they are of her. Ahem.


    You'll get where you want to be. Your IIFs have faith in you.

  3. Ok, got got it off your chest. Can you move on to something interesting? All your talk of SK and fridgit is pretty superficial -What about Ish, or your Dad's upcoming nuptuals. Give us something. thanks.

  4. Well done.

    That's all, really.

  5. and to some of us, k, YOU'RE the homecoming queen!

  6. Interesting that you felt the need to "explain" yourself to SK. It's not as if you said something terrible about her. Au contraire, by admitting your jealousy, you actually praised her. I think that when you can post your thoughts with no knee-jerk reaction for explanations, you'll have beaten your feelings of inadequacy. When that happens (and it will!), your iifs will be here, still cheering you on.

  7. I was glad to see that you offered up some kind of explanation. I was confused that only a few blogs ago, you were complaining that someone had written something unfavorable about YOU, and you received so much support from your iifs it was amazing. But then to see the same iif's turn around and degrade another blogger (even though it was obviously in support of you) seemed so hypocritical. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Anyhoo, I've been a long time reader in NY and I heart you so much. Keep up the good work. Maybe you'll skip the book and sit-com deals and go straight to the movies (with choice of leading man/men/theboy)...

  8. Did American Pie teach you nothing??

    The Band Geek is just so much hotter than the Homecoming Queen.

  9. Thank you very much for that. Really. I think we'd be great friends and I hope to meet you sometime, as I was quite far from homecoming anything, especially a queen. I played the trombone and had the nickname Moose because I was the fat girl growing up. But, I get your context. And my book has nothing to do with my blog; I don't even make mention of my blog in the book. So, trailblaze away!

    It fascinates me how people think they know you, and by "you" I do mean YOU, just from what you write. You are probably much more about what you don't write, and by "you" I mean all of us because it's impossible to write it all down. In fact, one interesting thing I've noticed is when people meet me after only having read my site, they always say, "wow, you don't sound anything like I imagined." They expect a smoker's voice, someone mean and caustic. I'm really quite personable and soft, but I write about what bothers me with force. I'd love to hear how you've felt about that, when people meet you in person, how do they say you differ from your writing? If we meet one day, I'll give you my take on it, too.

    And as for "jealousy," it's tough to lick it, but I'm working on it, too. You are very self-aware and express it well.

  10. My comment isn't for you per se, but for the commenter called "move on said"...Since when do bloggers take requests? I always thought of this as a "You'll read what is written and you'll enjoy it or else you'll move on and read something else" sort of thing...

  11. SK is one of YOUR fans! It's fun to watch this little bonding blossom right here!

  12. You all need to get lives! And I'm sure you will all crucify me for saying it, but it's the truth: I miss the old K, before her new Bob, Ish, etc..

  13. OK, you two, get a room!

  14. You are sooooo past high school, K. You do the grown up you a disservice by fawning over SK and continuing to diss yourself.

  15. To use my fave high school phrase: Omigod. K, I suppose I totally miss out by not reading your comments sections! Wow, there's lots of drama here! Heh. I don't get it!

    I love your blog - have only been reading since around Christmas-ish, but I love it anyway. And I didn't know about Stephanie's blog until I read your green-monster post, but I love hers too. You're both different and unique and wonderful.

    Are you TOTALLY regretting your greenmonster email because people are making such a big freakin' deal about it? B/c I would be! It seems to me like there are a helluva lot of us who are jealous of ANYONE who has a book deal and a gazillion blog readers. So - Ican't believe I'm even quantifying all this nonsense by writing about it. So I'll stop. I should probably stop pouring myself glasses of wine, too, but I probably won't. Hee hee!

    Keep it comin'. And if I lived anywhere near California, I'd be at your open mic on Friday night. Not because I'm a scary blogstalker (I promise, I'm a nice one!), but because I'm sure you'll kick arse and be your fabulous, witty, funny self.

  16. hmmm...what are the words that I'm looking for? oh yeah! lame and pitiful. agree with Anon above - writing (while still compelling and talented) seemed to be a lot better before grovelling/butt kissing/high school jealousy re: other blogs.

  17. I dream about high school at least once a week. Its horrible. I'm stuck and if I don't pass I'll never GET OUT. But I'll never pass because I've skipped class for like ten years. Then theres the old friends talking about how yeah she may have done ok with her life... but to be fair she's not that thin.

    We never get out of high school. It follows us around until we die. And then it eats us.

  18. geez, k -

    you really shouldn't have stooped so low. so another person has a good blog and book deal -- big whoop.

    you really do yourself a disservice by rolling out the ol' "oh i'm just the quiet kid in the band that has a great heart but no one ever appreciates because they are enthralled with the flaxen locks of the homecoming queen" routine.

    understandable at the age of 14. just pathetic and disingenuous at this point in life.

  19. i miss the old K, i don't like this pity routine until i reach the top business.

  20. if it makes you feel better, stephanie is not so cute in person. and she has a lisp. hardly homecoming queen material.

  21. Kate,

    making things up about people? how old are you? I find it most telling that you would even think you are important enough to write that(seeing as it isn't even true). or that you thought other people would find what you said important. Or that you see SK as anything more than what she is- a writer. I've now seen ugly and it comes from inside you. brightly shining.

    Congratulations on being the perfect example of why comments are moderated. You add nothing.

  22. who the heck is stephanie?

  23. Wow, I'm either dumb or just didn't realize the seriousness in your post. I just assumed that you were putting some thoughts into writing to clear your mind and do some self reflection. I didn't see anything at all in either post that deserved any nastiness at all.

    For the record. I'm jealous of you and all of your iifs. I'm also jealous of Rachel on Friends, and of course the entire cast of contestants on Project Runway. I don't think it makes me a bad person though.

  24. hi kat,

    you're not dumb. the post was intended in a lighthearted way, with a little bit of truth to it. (i'm totally jealous of rachel circa 1996 especially.)

    but people's responses hit a nerve with me. i am not pitying myself, and for people to think i am is just plain annoying.

    but thanks. (HATE santino!!!)

  25. It cracks me up that your IIFs get so fired up all the time. You've built yourself a nice blog, with a passive-agressive and sometimes completely-crazy-agressive following.

    It all makes for fun reading during the workday, which satisfies me.

    K- This is your forum and people who think you were more interesting before your bob, ish, etc probably don't really know you. People just don't 'become' dull overnight, and I'm sure the blog is but a fraction of who you are as a person.

    And another thing: Why does everyone feel the need to in-depth analyze K? Who made you the personality/psychology police? Think about what you write once in a while for Pete's sake. You're writing to another PERSON, who has feelings. Don't be so freaking nasty all the time.

  26. Wow, K. At least there is talk amonst your readers. I got what you were doing. Oh, for the record, I am not jealous of SK. I am a little jealous of you, but not her. Name droppers freak me out. Anyway, have a great weekend.

  27. I have to give you credit for allowing these comments to remain on your blog. The venom in some of them is unbelievable, but you are a bigger person for letting the venom fly.

    Any sign of ReFridget yet?

  28. Isn't it interesting that we can know, intellectually, that something negative is in the past, yet something in the present can trigger a strong emotional reaction that takes us right back to those old negative feelings? It ain't easy being us!

    P.S. Break a leg!
    (And remember: if necessary, you can always put a napkin over your face.)

  29. Hi Kristy... I read you every day and love how you are real, really real, and share both your successes and vulnerabilities with us.

    I found it interesting, after reading your original post, to go to her blog and read a somewhat similar post on the topic of jealousy. It's funny, no matter how much praise we get or how wonderful at something we are, there is always someone else who makes us feel somewhat inadequate, even when those feelings are not actually warranted. There is always, always going to be someone who we perceive as doing something better, even if it is different, or equal, or what have you. We struggle with this in every facet of our lives - work, relationships, hobbies, our bodies. It's human nature, I think. The thing is that most people either wallow in that feeling or stuff it down and become arrogant as a way to cover it up. What you did, and what she wrote about in her entry on the subject, is face it head-on, acknowledge those feelings and what they mean and how you deal with them. That is a higher level of humanity than mmost people will ever show. Be proud of that, along with all of the other wonderful qualities you possess.

  30. Thought of the day:

    KS, SK - West Coast, East Coast
    Both respected, funny, talented bloggers...
    Is it just me or is this totally weird? They're like mirror images (sort-of).. Anyway, I like you both...

  31. yikes - such vitriol! and i can't quite fathom why...

    keep doing the do, K

    [my first comment but not my first visit]

  32. K-
    Everybody's a critic, but the only opinion that matters in the end is yours. I for one get excited when I read your blog. I think you're very brave putting yourself on the line and revealing your weaknesses. It also takes a strong person to admit when they have made a mistake and to apologize.

    So, don't let it get to you or discourage you from expressing yourself. Keep on truckin', gf, we've got your back. :)


    PS- Unfortunately I can't be there for your stand-up, but I'm sending good juju anyway.

  33. k: I read your blog religiously. It's the blog that got me addicted to reading blogs! I like you because you are not afraid to be dangerous...alone with just your computer and your dreams and self-perception, you blog-away about some pretty raw things, and cringe when people press on your bruises and reel in shock when they attack like rabid dogs, and yet time and again you come back and dig deep again and tell us more truths about you and your vulnerabilities. And then you are just knee-slapping funny the rest of the time! Just keep doing it. Please! (oh, please visit my newish blog, which is readerless and so lonely over there in the corner of blogdom!

  34. It's funny how people post mean spirited comments anonymously and then in their comments they seem to think that because of one thing you wrote then they know you and obviously can determine what you really are...pity routine, stooping low, blah blah blah.

    I say, write whatever you'd like, it's one thought that you had in one moment. I doubt you're a jealous person etc., but then again, I don't actually know you. Thus far, I am enjoying you immensely.

  35. K, you rock! And I agree with the poster above who commented on your passive-agressive following. No doubt in a year you will be like Dooce and have to turn off the comments!

    Good luck tonight. Wish I could come, but I have panic attacks thinking about driving to SF. Plus, I need to stay home with my kid and watch the Bad News Bears.
    Envy me.

  36. Even if people leave mean or negative comments here, you should feel happy that this many people read your blog. Even if people do not like you, they read you - and that is what counts (to you).

  37. hey kristy - I appreciate your honesty here - it takes ovaries to be so blatantly truthful and vulnerable in front of people, even if they are IIF.
    write what you need to. say what you've gotta say.
    that's why we all love you and keep coming back. don't cater to us, who the fuck cares about us? this is you, not us.
    if that makes sense.

  38. heather b. wrote:
    "it's one thought that you had in one moment"

    I think that might be one of the most poignant comments in this whole mess.

  39. and also dear mean anonymous commenter whose message i deleted:

    i know that posting my personal stuff on the internet -- for all to see -- invites dissent as much as it invites affirmation. but if you don't like me, and you don't like what i write, then why continue to read my blog? and why bother to leave negative comments...and then expect me to ignore them? especially when they're value judgments about me? of course i'm going to defend myself.

    no, i don't think SK asks people not to say mean things -- she doesn't dignify the negativity she receives. but she does force registered commenters and can (and has) banned people from commenting on her site, whereas i am still inclined to engage.

    anyway, i guess my overall point is that i don't and can't expect all my feedback to be positive, but you can't expect i won't defend myself when i feel i'm being judged unfairly.


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