Dear Stephanie:

my original post, below, has garnered so many negative comments from so many people who TOTALLY MISSED THE POINT that i feel the need to explain. again.

the point is that when i FIRST saw/heard of/read SK, my kneejerk reaction was childish. i spent all of 3 seconds summing her up and deciding i was jealous (among other things). and not until i posted about her did i ever bother to spend more than a few seconds actually evaluating my feelings.

and when i did, i saw how ridiculous i was being.

because i do NOT feel like the dorky band geek anymore, and i do NOT behave as one anymore.

but i realized that for me to be jealous of her meant i WAS behaving like a high schooler. whoops. stupid. my mistake.

thus, i apologized for my reverting. i KNOW that my being jealous does me and my adulthood and my blog and my life and my IIFs a disservice.

and i published the thing on the idea that other people might have also reverted.

THAT was the point.

so i will say now what i almost never say: if you don't like what i write, please move on.

and if you think that telling me i was better/funnier "before" is in any way helpful or constructive, you may feel free to move on as well.

because i am.

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i appreciate that you came here to see what was up, and am impressed* that you took the time to comment as you did. thank you, both for your consideration and your encouragement.

the blogosphere is a funny and small world, huh?

anyway, um, i thought i might say some fairly embarrassing things now so that it's all out on the table and we're all clear about what's what.

hi, me? sometimes i may as well be 15. because -- as in this case -- i see you, i read you, i read about you, and i think i know exactly who you are.

and that would be the Homecoming Queen.

yeah.

i mean, without even realizing it, that is definitely how i've come to think of you. and so by default, well... if i'm thinking of you as the Homecoming Queen, then i am also thinking of me in a regressive way. i see what you are, and unintentionally revert to my own high-school-like feelings of inadequacy and jealousy (since i most certainly was NOT the Homecoming Queen).

and that jealousy takes on a couple different forms.

when i am being rational, and not in subconscious high-school mode, my jealousy is pretty basic. it's jealousy of your book, of your acclaim, of your success. i KNOW you work hard for it all. i never meant to imply you didn't or don't still. and i absolutely know that if that's what i want, i have to work hard, too. (and i am.) it's just that you did it first and you did it really well, and so i cannot help but harbor a huge sense of "ooh, i SO wish i'd done that. i hope i still can."

you know, sort of in the same vein as thinking of a brilliant invention only to discover someone else thought of it first, patented it, and is living well off the royalties. and truth be told, i feel that way about most published authors in this genre. even though i know that if i haven't done it (yet) i really have no one to blame but myself.

um, however.

it is a LOT easier to blame others. especially when one of the others is the Homecoming Queen.

which brings us back to the non-rational, high-school-inspired jealousy. because you being the HQ makes it very, very easy for me to forget the "i have no one to blame but myself" part and indulge in the "oh yeah? what's so great about HER?" line of thinking.

and if that's what i revert to, then i may as well be a whiney band geek again, sitting in the corner of study hall with my other band geek friends, pointing out all the things wrong with the Homecoming Queen's outfit today and assuaging my bruised ego by saying, "sure, she may have THIS and THAT and THAT and THIS, but at least I don't blah blah blah..."

and i swear, i'm not in high school anymore.

no, really.

so anyway. thanks again for stopping by and for offering kind words. because if nothing else -- blogger to blogger -- you are a trailblazer.

and plus mark darcyisms are welcomed anytime.


*shocked and pretty darned humbled