I Don't Get Mayonnaise

some thoughts at lunchtime.

because okay. leaving mayonnaise out is a bad, bad thing. you are not supposed to eat mayonnaise that has been left out, because if you do you will fall horribly ill and like, die.

i mean, have you ever seen what mayonnaise looks like when it's been left out for a long time? yeah. all hard and yellow and clear. ew. (and please, let's nevermind why it gets that way or what it comes from, okay?)

now, before the container is opened, you don't have to refrigerate it. you can just have a jar of mayonnaise sitting room temperature for a million years or so, as though it were canned goods. and okay, i get that: a big glass jar and vacuum sealing seem like they'd be enough to keep the villainous mayonnaise safe from air and things that will make it hard and yellow and gross and deadly.

but here is what i don't understand:

we have a little kiosk that serves lunch here at work and every day when the sandwiches come out, the kiosk guy puts out packets of mayonnaise. packets. which sit there for hours. at room temperature.

and i think: big glass jar and vacuum packing? = safe for room temperature. thin aluminum packet like what condoms get wrapped in? = not okay!

seriously, what sort of packaging magic makes a thin little wrapper as protective as a glass jar and vacuum packing? how did that executive decision get made?


Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: we'd like to ensure complete mayonnaise market saturation, and we feel strongly that mayonnasie has not achieved its highest level of visibility with key target lunchtime food service providers. our research indicates that this is primarily due to the key target lunchtime service providers not having glass-jar enabled storage space that is compliant with the post-release mayonnaise-driven refrigeration needs. we are seeking an out-of-the-box, innovative solution. what have you got for me, jim?

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: well, phil, if i'm understanding you correctly, you need something to put mayonnaise in that's easier to store than glass jars. am i on track?

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: you got it, jim.

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: so something like glass jars, but smaller.

[pauses.] thinks: hmmm...like glass jars...like glass jars...

hey! how about tiny aluminum packets?

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: you mean like condom wrappers?

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: well, i suppose...

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: perfect!

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: great! say, ah, well, but about that refrigeration issue...

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: now, jim, you know that's a problem for Legal. and besides, if it's safe enough for a condom, it's safe enough for mayonnaise. think about it. those are words to live by, jim. anyway, what we really need to focus on here are the emerging opportunities for strategic co-branded packet logo placement.


so really. i don't get how or why it was deemed perfectly normal and natural to let mayonnaise packets sit at room temperature, but what do i know. it's probably something to do with the physics again.

it's just that i just can't help but think of un-chilled mayonnaise packets as little tiny containers of gastro-intestinal doom.



p.s. i totally don't get lettuce, either. lettuce is just crunchy, non-nutrative leafy stuff that, as far as i can tell, gets put on things (like sandwiches) to simply take up space. and as far as i'm concerned, the less room lettuce is taking up on my sandwich, the more room there is for bacon.

well, and mayonnaise.