Thursday, October 06, 2005

I Don't Get Mayonnaise

some thoughts at lunchtime.


because okay. leaving mayonnaise out is a bad, bad thing. you are not supposed to eat mayonnaise that has been left out, because if you do you will fall horribly ill and like, die.

i mean, have you ever seen what mayonnaise looks like when it's been left out for a long time? yeah. all hard and yellow and clear. ew. (and please, let's nevermind why it gets that way or what it comes from, okay?)

now, before the container is opened, you don't have to refrigerate it. you can just have a jar of mayonnaise sitting room temperature for a million years or so, as though it were canned goods. and okay, i get that: a big glass jar and vacuum sealing seem like they'd be enough to keep the villainous mayonnaise safe from air and things that will make it hard and yellow and gross and deadly.

but here is what i don't understand:

we have a little kiosk that serves lunch here at work and every day when the sandwiches come out, the kiosk guy puts out packets of mayonnaise. packets. which sit there for hours. at room temperature.

and i think: big glass jar and vacuum packing? = safe for room temperature. thin aluminum packet like what condoms get wrapped in? = not okay!

seriously, what sort of packaging magic makes a thin little wrapper as protective as a glass jar and vacuum packing? how did that executive decision get made?


Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: we'd like to ensure complete mayonnaise market saturation, and we feel strongly that mayonnasie has not achieved its highest level of visibility with key target lunchtime food service providers. our research indicates that this is primarily due to the key target lunchtime service providers not having glass-jar enabled storage space that is compliant with the post-release mayonnaise-driven refrigeration needs. we are seeking an out-of-the-box, innovative solution. what have you got for me, jim?

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: well, phil, if i'm understanding you correctly, you need something to put mayonnaise in that's easier to store than glass jars. am i on track?

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: you got it, jim.

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: so something like glass jars, but smaller.

[pauses.] thinks: hmmm...like glass jars...like glass jars...

hey! how about tiny aluminum packets?

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: you mean like condom wrappers?

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: well, i suppose...

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: perfect!

Jim, the Mayonnaise Packaging Executive: great! say, ah, well, but about that refrigeration issue...

Phil, the Mayonnaise Marketing Executive: now, jim, you know that's a problem for Legal. and besides, if it's safe enough for a condom, it's safe enough for mayonnaise. think about it. those are words to live by, jim. anyway, what we really need to focus on here are the emerging opportunities for strategic co-branded packet logo placement.


so really. i don't get how or why it was deemed perfectly normal and natural to let mayonnaise packets sit at room temperature, but what do i know. it's probably something to do with the physics again.

it's just that i just can't help but think of un-chilled mayonnaise packets as little tiny containers of gastro-intestinal doom.



p.s. i totally don't get lettuce, either. lettuce is just crunchy, non-nutrative leafy stuff that, as far as i can tell, gets put on things (like sandwiches) to simply take up space. and as far as i'm concerned, the less room lettuce is taking up on my sandwich, the more room there is for bacon.

well, and mayonnaise.

76 comments:

  1. lol ....

    Lettuce has a lot of vitamin A and potassium ...

    I think the mayo packets are safe because they are not egg-based mayo, and the egss are what makes mayo dangerous to leave out for too long. Either that, or the mayo is so pasteurized as to neutralize the egg-risk.

    Yeah, I know .... TMI. But sometimes I'm a nerd.

    lol

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  2. When I started reading this post, I just knew it was leading to mayonnaise packets! I must be psychic!

    Anyway, I think the best thing to do here is: let's not think about it too much. Just enjoy your bacon sandwich slathered in tangy mayo, ok? :)

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  3. k - you are so busted. this is material you are testing out for stand up material. yes?

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  4. Yum! just ate a sandwhich with mayo , bacon AND guacamole. Actually, full fat mayo has to have egg in it by law to be advertised as mayo.
    But it is the salmonella risk with homemade mayo (raw eggs) that is what makes people sick (since homemade mayo is not cooked). And what gave mayo the bad name. Commercial mayo is actually very stable and not risky. Even in small packets. Especially what with all the preserveatives and such.
    Why, yes, I am a geek! You'd appreciate me on a trivia team though..

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  5. anon 2:25 -

    good lord, no.

    it's true i might go back and try and use some of the stuff i've posted here, but i don't think i'll work it the other way around.

    and if i do want to try some material out, i will totally announce it.

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  6. (sorry if that sounded bitchy, too. i didn't mean for it to sound anything other than self-deprecating!)

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  7. k - you did not sound bitchy at all. It just struck me as stand up-ish material. ish, as in semi, not your bf.

    ;)

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  8. I wanna say that even those little packets have to be vacuum sealed. As long as nothing perforates the packet and causes air and bacteria to enter, I believe the packets are completely safe. It’s funny you say that about lettuce, because I do think of it as something that takes up space, importantly taking up space of things with much more calories. So I can almost fool myself into thinking I ate much more than I did. That and I enjoy it’s green crunchiness.

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  9. weird, i too thought it was a bit stand-up-ish. change of writing style.

    and? omigod, i nearly fell out of my chair.

    the first typo i've seen on your blog, ever.

    *laaaaa-laaaa-laaa* (i'm now humming my ignore-the-world song so my little universe doesn't collapse in on itself)

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  10. We do not question the things that are good, no matter their packaging. I recently looked at the fat content on my burrito from Trader Joe's, and now? Now I have only made myself suffer as I cannot justify the delicious burrito any longer.

    Sigh.

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  11. Kiki - Thank you. You have cleared up a long-standing conundrum for me. In 40 years of business, I have rarely, if ever, had a wasp-to-wasp business relationship. It has mostly been wasp to jew (that's publishing). And every jew I've ever been with has lasered me with scathing looks every time I have put mayonnaise on something (well, we wasps tend to mayonnaise on almost anything), like beef, fish, fowl, even pastrami. In fact, the only thing I know of that wasps don't put mayonnaise on is hotdogs (which, for the most part, jews don't eat, and for good reason). So now I know why--it isn't a taste thing, it's a smart thing. It's a little disappointing that they didn't tell me, what's to read into that? Come to think of it, I'm not sure they really like lettuce.

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  12. I totally agree with the lettuce being useless on a sandwich. I'll eat a salad, but when it comes to my sandwich, give me the meat, cheese, mayo and also some tomato. I almost always order my sandwich with no lettuce. The quality of lettuce used for sandwiches is disgusting for the most part anyway.

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  13. http://www.dressings-sauces.org/mayonnaise.html

    from the association for dressings and sauces... who knew. i guess it all comes down to pasturized eggs. i think lettuce helps, you know, move things along, so to speak in digestion. keeps you from getting the bacon stuck in your colon. nice leafy greens do, anyway; iceburg is pretty useless (and, as dad says) probably wasp-y... did you see the woody allen flick where he converts to catholicism, so brings home a shopping bag with a bible, a crucifix, a jar of mayo, and a loaf of wonder bread?

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  14. There's a medicine some cats need when they start aging. It comes in a tube and you have to squirt it into the cat's mouth. It's laced with a tuna scent. It looks like mayo. My hunch is if you ever experience first hand this cat Rx, you'll never use mayonnaise, ever again. It's just plain gross. (But a little blessing, in a way, cuz mayo's just not good for you anyway...) Love reading you! Take care, Kristy. Cousin Lisa :) Good luck with your stand up gig! "trust your crazy ideas!"

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  15. Three things.

    1)OMG the cafeteria at work gives us these out of a drawer and I wonder the same thing. Won't I die if I use this?


    2)"I think the mayo packets are safe because they are not egg-based mayo" so like the stuff in the package is some mayo-like product? Like you know cheese food?

    3) I totally felt the stand up vibe and I thought, no no no go with the bathroom stall thingy! Not the mayo thing. The mayo thing is SERIOUS! You really should not joke about Mayo.

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  16. I think the mayo packets are safe because they are not egg-based mayo, and the egss are what makes mayo dangerous to leave out for too long.

    omg. if that stuff isn't egg-based, what is it?! *gags* i'm SURE it's not something innocuous like...tofu. it's got to be something completely vile. i mean, even more vile than egg-based mayo.

    i should not have read any of this right before dinner! just thinking about it makes me not want to eat! and i don't even own any mayo! it's not as if it's going to glob its way onto my dinner or something.

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  17. Kristy's dad,

    Coming from a big Jewish family that loves salads, and having lots of Jewish friends that I've seen happily eat salads, I do not think that an aversion to lettuce is a Jewish thing.

    A specifically Jewish aversion to mayonnaise would only be for Orthodox Jews or other Jews that keep Kosher. Most Jews in the US are not Orthodox and do not keep Kosher.

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  18. 1) BUSTED...looks like stand-up to me
    2)The air. As long as it stays out of the air and all the micro-oganisms lurking there it's safe. Once open to air....so stop breathing the air and you'll live longer
    3) Mayo looks like what oozes out of the condom later (now THAT would be funny to add)

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  19. BUSTED...looks like stand-up to me

    um. seriously. this is NOT stand-up material. (i'm not trying to like, hide something, that's just not what this is.)

    if my writing style seems different from my usual format, i guess that'd be because i was literally sitting at my desk, eating a sandwich, staring at a mayo packet trying to figure out if i should use it or not, when i decided to record my thought process on my blog. and tried to squeeze it all in during my lunch break.

    not only would the marketing/packaging executive dialogue not translate on stage, this whole entry is just not that funny.

    and i added the lettuce part RIGHT after i decided to remove the lettuce from my sandwich. (and i was lectured last week about wasting food when i threw out the remains of my salad, even though all that was left was iceburg lettuce. so i wanted to take a stand.)

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  20. But... but... the cool, crispy, cruchy lettuce (preferably romaine hearts) is the perfect complement to the fatty, salty bacon!

    There's a reason why there's an L in BLT.

    As for mayo packets, I just feel 'em, If they're not warm, then ok.

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  21. Iceberg lettuce is nutritionally pretty empty and just there for the fiber and crunch, but there are a lot of good lettuces that have plenty of vitamins and minerals. Or, if you want the really big guns, you could put spinach on your sandwich.
    And no one has mentioned the enormous quantities of preservatives in commercial mayonnaise. It is my understanding that the concerns over homemade mayonnaise have been mitigated by all that stuff. Plus of course the vacuum packing.

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  22. Ok then...start editing "YES CUTE FIREMAN THAT IS MY ASS" into a routine. You'll be on Showtime in no time!!

    That's what I REALLY meant to say last time.....

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  23. I know others have mentioned this already... but as a registered health inspector I wanted to let you know that it perfectly safe and legal to allow commercial mayo to sit at room temperature (even if the jar has been previously opened). I could tell you what you really should be worried about... but then you would never want to eat again.

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  24. Long-time reader, first-time commentor. Great blog!

    Eating Mayo from packets is like chewing on tinfoil. You just shouldn't do it. Besides, I'm pretty sure that mayo is recycled from the testicles of deceased patients at The Mayo Clinic. Don't quote me on that though.

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  25. YAY Mejane for the props to the BLT! You need the lettuce to set off the crispyfattysaltysmokeybacon... I gotta go get a sammich....

    Now, lettuce on its own may not be the best plan but lettuce is one of the great partner foods.

    Mayonnaise was eaten between slices of bread by one of my girlfirends. And as Thanksgiving is on Monday the glorious leftover turkey sandwich must have mayo! and stuffing (or dressing if you prefer) and cranberry sauce and fresh cracked pepper and toasted and leftover pumpkin pie! deserves a more than honourable mention.

    Really gotta go get a sarnie...

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  26. Word to your Moms on the lettuce!! It doesn't do anything! and people put it on everything! I don't get it!

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  27. Sort of like what an earlier poster said ... Okay, when you get sick from mayonnaise, it's because of bacteria (like salmonella) that are growing in the mayonnaise, not the mayonnaise itself so much. So when it's packaged, the mayonnaise is pasteurized, which kills every possible bacteria in it. Then it's complexly sealed, so no new bacteria can get in. So as long as it's sealed, it can't develop any bacteria because bacteria is a living thing and it can't grow from nothing. Plus in any packaged mayonnaise there are tons of preservatives to inhibit bacteria growth and try to stabilize it so it can't spoil. When you open the mayonnaise, it gets air on it, you breath on it, etc, and voila, there's bacteria, plus oxygen to destabilize it and allow it to spoil. Bacteria thrive in the warm, moist, nutrient-rich mayonnaise environment, though the preservatives and previous pasteurization do slow it down.
    Also, for the record, if you look at the ingredients list of a lot of packaged mayonnaises, they contain more soybean oil and corn syrup than actual eggs.
    Honestly I would be more worried about all the freaky chemicals they use to preserve those little packages than I would be about the possibility of it spoiling.

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  28. OK I didn't read every post here so apologies if this (pardon the pun) came up already but...
    If you trust the vaccum sealed packages that condoms come in (again with the pun) for condoms why wouldn't you trust them for mayo? I'm a lot more concerned about my condom working than I am about my mayo being stale. Just saying...
    As a complete sidetrack, I've always hated mayo because I got really sick from it on spoiled potato salad when I was a kid.
    Let's just say I feel the same way about tequila for that same reason.
    That taste can have only one association. Say no more.
    Finally, when you say the words mayonnaise and condoms in the same sentence what comes to mind?
    Damn! There's that pun again.
    Buh-bye.

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  29. I've started to substitute Mayo with Ranch Dressng. (only 'cause I ran out of Mayo once and the Ranch was right there). I gotta tell ya...it's pretty good on just about everything! Also, Arugula and Endive make great lettuce substitutes. Although there's nothing like Iceberg, tuna and Mayo on Wonder bread to take me back to my 1960's mid-western childhood!

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  30. Right, so as a Jew and a mayo lover I believe that mayo packets should not be kept in a wallet--just like condoms. If it is late and you feel the need--3am french fries at the Post Road Diner (and as a Jew but not a Canadian I love mayo on my fries)--you should not use that packet you've been keeping in your wallet for that special occasion. It will have similar dire consequesnces whether mayo or condom. And yes, we hate lettuce, we love bacon, and really we just toy with WASPs--letting them believe they control a small part of OUR world.

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  31. By the way, K's dad, there was recently a huge debate about a couple dining at a seaside restaurant, getting their bill, and noticing that the waitress, trying to identify them in her head, had labled them "Jew Couple". And accidentally left that on the receipt.

    A huge shit storm ensued. The long and short of it is, apparently it's okay to call someone "Jewish", but not refer to them as a "Jew". Many Jewish people who responded (mostly from the East Coast) drew a direct line between labeling like this and the Holocaust. In fact, the Holocaust was mentioned approximately 6,791 times.

    I wasn't aware, either, but I thought you should know.

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  32. Now that I've said that, a Jewish person has arrived on the site and called themselves a Jew, which makes me feel a ton better after all the years I'VE used the term. But I'm not making it up; here's the link:

    http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-bill18.html

    And if you want to read what the blogosphere has to say about it, go here: http://waiterrant.net/?p=190. There's 300 comments on this story.

    Thanks for your attention! We now return to our regularly scheduled blog. Kristy, forgive me for taking over your comments; your comments section alone gets read 10x more than all of my posts put together.

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  33. The mayo in mayo packets has a different consistency than mayo in jars, so maybe it is an ingredient issue...

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  34. OK Let me geek out on you, as mayonnaise spoilage prevention is my family's business (really. How sad is that?) It is not eggs, as previously mentioned, that might make mayonnaise go bad. It is air. That is why vaccuumed glass jars will last a very long time on your shelf, but have a limited life once opened. (The air in the "head space" is the concern.)

    Shelf lives have gotten longer because now there is equipment (invented by my dad) that removes most of the dissolved oxygen that was introduced into the product during normal manufacturing conditions.

    Mayonnaise packets contain mayonnaise that has been "sparged" to remove the dissolved oxygen, and then vaccuumed to remove any oxygen in the head space. It's easier to do in a packet than a jar because packets are flexible and can be completely vaccuumed.

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  35. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  36. Hey, a friend just told me there are people who have mayo phobia... or as one phobe termed it...Eggoilemulsificationophobia.

    Check out unusualphobias.com

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  37. Right. Being called "jew" versus "a jew" or "jewish" does not feel good. I am a jew, but "jew" (jew couple) is like "hook-nose couple" or "bagel-eating couple". It's really a syntax/grammar issue. Jew is a noun not an adjective.
    I dream of being called "mayo couple", but my wife isn't a big fan. She keeps packets in her purse so I won't eat the ones out of my wallet.

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  38. this is the kind of debate that makes me nervous to ever refer to anyone at all as Jewish (I could never bring myself to use the other words, I don't think). Having grown up around exactly no Jewish people, I don't get the subtle aspects of the whole thing. I remind myself of old white people trying to be politically correct in a discussion of poor folks or black folks...

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  39. K's DAD: - get real! you are old enough and are around enough Jewish people to know that calling them 'jews' is NOT appropriate.

    They don't call you a gin soaked old goy, do they??

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  40. oh people! did no one look up that helpful post from that official association posted early on??

    really, fellow IIFs. key word is *commercial* mayo.

    that stuff sit in open unrefrigerated air for a lot longer than you will be comfortable with.

    whereas *home-made* (read real ingredients, no preservs) will last up to 3 days.

    yes.

    3 days.

    we're eating chemical doo. no oxygen-lovin' bacteria are going to be able to call our doo home until months and months and months...

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  41. They don't call you a gin soaked old goy, do they??

    no.

    and that is because he drinks bourbon.

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  42. Yay!to the bourbon!

    I don't know- honestly I have a lot of orthodox jews for friends, that would refer to themselves at a "jew" or "jews" and not look at it as a insult. In fact the definition is: 1 a : a member of the tribe of Judah b : ISRAELITE
    2 : a member of a nation existing in Palestine from the 6th century B.C. to the 1st century A.D.
    3 : a person belonging to a continuation through descent or conversion of the ancient Jewish people
    4 : one whose religion is Judaism

    I don't think Kristy's Dad was innapropriate in his use of "jews" in his second post. Maybe misguided in the use of "jew" rather that Jewish in his first post.

    But othrodox jews eat mayo too. So everything is debateable I guess.

    But I think this is much like the debate of what is more politically correct "black" or "African American", it honestly depends on the person who the title is refering to. I have some friends that prefer "black" and some that would rather be called "African American"
    I think it is honestly the way the term is used, and how the person being called it feels about it.

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  43. this is the kind of debate that makes me nervous to ever refer to anyone at all as Jewish (I could never bring myself to use the other words, I don't think). Having grown up around exactly no Jewish people, I don't get the subtle aspects of the whole thing. I remind myself of old white people trying to be politically correct in a discussion of poor folks or black folks...

    melissa,
    i'm jewish and i had never thought about the "jew" vs. "jewish" thing until reading these comments! personally, i think it's mostly about the intent of the person using the term. i've heard my dad (who is jewish) refer to someone as a jew, rather than as "jewish." he obviously doesn't mean anything negative by it; for him, it's more of a respectful, familiar kind of thing. maybe it's partly a generational thing?

    on the other hand, i've certainly heard lots of people use the term "jew" as a derogatory word. and that is offensive, hurtful, and sometimes threatening.

    and, now that i think about it, if i were at a restaurant and the check identified me as the "jew woman," i'd find that offensive. i cannot explain why that is -- i don't understand the subtleties myself.

    i'm pretty sure that i've never called myself a "jew," but i don't know why that is! it's just not what i say. and i don't think any of my jewish friends say that either.

    if i were you, i would just use the term "jewish" and not worry about it. and as long as your intentions are friendly or whatever, i doubt most people would get offended by whichever word you used.

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  44. AHHHHHHHHHH!
    AHHHHHHHHHH!
    You are over analyzing a BLOG for goodness sakes!!! Let it GO people. Move on. Let her write what she wants to! How did we go from condiments to race relations!!
    Its funny...go with it... don't take it seriously...now...where's my PROZAC?? Am I out?? VALIUM...I got VALIUM don't I???

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  45. Interestingly noted from a guy in a bunker in Afgahnistan...

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  46. And MAYBE Kristy's dad just likes to add a little salt to the mayo for spice. how about a little honey and apple - tis the season.

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  47. Since everyone seems to be itching to argue, how's about we move to this?

    HEY! Kristy! Why are BOTH the "executives" in your satire MALE?! As a woman, I am deeply offended that you would subtley make a statement about a woman's place in the mayo business.

    :P

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  48. Or, maybe... Maybe you are subtley saying that such a stupid idea could only have come from a male's perspective? Either way... I think you should change what you've written to accomadate my delicate sensibilites!

    I want addendums, dammit!

    :D

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  49. As a lettuce farmer, I would like you to retract your statement about my crop being "non-nutrative". This kind of bad press is devestating to my business. You saw what happened to Oprah when she bad mouthed beef, right...

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  50. "Interestingly noted from a guy in a bunker in Afgahnistan..."

    and an U.S. ex-pat mercenary at that. Wonder which oil company is signing his paycheck!

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  51. Northeast Vegetarian11:56 AM, October 08, 2005

    I don't think you should be encouraging people to eat more bacon.

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  52. Phil, the Mayo Marketing Exec.1:02 PM, October 08, 2005

    You bugged our office? Heads will roll!

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  53. um.

    1. yes. the executives are male because the entire thing is satire.

    2. i think my father should start his own blog. (god help us.)

    3. i will never retract anything positive i say about bacon. sorry, but i have some deep-seated beliefs about bacony goodness that no amount of health-, political-, or faith-based arguments could ever sway.

    :)

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  54. um.

    1. yes. the executives are male because the entire thing is satire.

    2. i think my father should start his own blog. (god help us.)

    3. i will never retract anything positive i say about bacon. sorry, but i have some deep-seated beliefs about bacony goodness that no amount of health-, political-, or faith-based arguments could ever sway.

    :)

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  55. I just got a friend of mine the book "Everything Tastes Better with Bacon" for her b'day. We're going to a very casual wedding/bbq/potluck next weekend and she's making Samosa's wrapped in a strip of bacon.

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  56. Ok, I feel I have to add...yes, bacon may not be the healthiest thing for you but neither is a good Martini or Microbrew...everything in moderation.

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  57. (haji-o-matic... any problem with that earth quake? hope you're ok.)

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  58. I can't believe someone can get this much feedback over an entry about mayonnaise and lettuce!

    Is it because condiments and condoms were elegantly emulsified and spread into a single post?

    All I have to say is: Ish needs to watch his back.

    D.

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  59. the only funny thing about this is that she takes OFF lettuce and puts ON mayo and bacon and whines about not being able to lose weight! hysterical! encore! dessert!

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  60. anonymous: I'm not getting the connection between bacon, mayo, and weight. You're not running with the theory that bacon and mayo are fattening, are you? Because that's just evil, man, pure evil.

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  61. where exactly does she "whine" about not losing weight?

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  62. (technically, impulsive is correct. ALL foods are ok to eat - if you like sugar, have some. if you like BLTs, have one. It's not what you're eating, it's why you're eating. Excessive exercise is the new bulimia and that too is deadly. Life's short. Anon 1106, your tone sounds angry from here. Try compassion and softness toward yourself. It's a pleasant way out.)

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  63. *passes bottle of Xanax to that haji guy*

    And AHEM I believe that muchlike the Jews...er I meant people of Jewish persuasion of Jewish-Americans or whatever the preferred word is these days... That BaconEating-Americans are another group that cannot be hated on.

    signed a Baconeating-American

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  64. How about the Baconeaters of the World? I'm Canadian, and lets face it, we know our bacon up here.

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  65. the only funny thing about this is that she takes OFF lettuce and puts ON mayo and bacon and whines about not being able to lose weight! hysterical!

    *sigh*

    Now the Pork and Condiment industries are going to come after Kristy for defamation, too.

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  66. wow, i have never seen so many stupid comments on a blog in my entire life! K, i love the blog, but you should get rid of some of these idiot commenters!!Such as the anonymous ones..Ha! Oh yeah, and you were way funnier before Ish.

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  67. Uh...wow. Maybe you should have titled this "Mayo and The Jewish Problem"? I too am completely puzzled by the switch from condiments to religion/race relations. Excepting that mayo is patently considered 'white bread' that's a pretty huge leap. For the record I think you're just as funny post-Ish as Pre-Ish.

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  68. Corporate Speak frightens me. But you've got it down.

    I dated a girl who didn't like mayo. She didn't like creamy stuff in her mouth. We broke up. Go figure.

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  69. goodness.

    i have no idea what i did to elicit such vitriol, but i will do my best to ignore it, and ask that the well intentioned do so, too.

    for the record: i made a deal with myself when i started this that i wouldn't delete others' comments, no matter how hateful they might be. and i plan to stick to that.

    moving on..

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  70. I also know a girl who doesn't like creamy stuff in her mouth. I met her in college, as my sorority sister, so imagine, if you can, all the jokes that can be made about this phobia, and you might approximate the millions of jokes that the Sorority House made--all in love, of course.

    And anyway, despite this aversion, she's happily married. One can only assume that she and her husband worked out some sort of compromise, and no, I don't want to know the details. Or imagine them in any way. califskip: I wonder if we know the same person?

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  71. Wow, I couldn't read all these comments (using the library! and babysitting time!) so apologies if this has been said.

    HOWEVER - according to Dear Abby, who checked in with the CEO of like Kraft, THERE IS NO NEED TO EVEN REFRIGERATE REGULAR MAYONAISSE. In the jar. After it's been opened.

    Because there are so many preservatives in there.

    That should have made me stop eating mayo all together but I still love the (disgusting, chemicalled-out) stuff.

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  72. All I have to say is re: lettuce on sandwiches.

    if I want lettuce with my sandwich, I will make/order a salad, thankyouverymuch. The lettuce used on sandwiches (at restaurants at least) is often crap lettuce anyway that's too close to its expiration to look good in salads.

    And that "shredded Iceberg lettuce" stuff that some places use? It makes me gag. I cannot stand it. I will open up the sandwich and scrape it off. Even if I don't have a plate or a utensil, I will USE MY FINGERS to scrape it off and deposit it on the wrapper the sandwich came in...

    now, slaw on a sandwich or spinach leaves on a sandwich, that's another matter...

    as for mayo: I'm mostly agnostic on mayo except when we're talking turkey sandwiches. Then, it's compulsory. Unless there's cranberry sauce to put on instead.

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  73. Kristy,
    I haven't read all of your comments...too many. But, I was LMAO while reading this. My husband calls lettuce useless filler. I just had to share this with you.

    btw - keep up the good writing.

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  74. My unending hatred for mayonnaise will never die.

    Bacon, however, is completely acceptable.

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  75. Spread mayo, don't smear it. You don't get sick from mayo left out. Check out Wikipedia, it's sourced very reliably. I'm more worried about the cholesterol and fat in the stuff, my own level being well over 200. Yikes!

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  76. Mayo is disgusting! I never eat it!
    BLECCH.

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