Monday, November 16, 2009

"Like a melon ball on a toothpick."

Tonight's a cappella rehearsal began with a discussion of skinny jeans. The conversation was led by the Loosie who works at GAP. (Not in the stores, mind you; at their corporate offices.)

For the record, skinny jeans is a trend that I have ignored and will continue to ignore until probably forever. LA LA LA JINGLE BELLS I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY BOOT-CUTS, SKINNY JEANS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

It's not because I don't have skinny legs. All things considered, I DO have skinny legs. Well, I mean, relatively speaking.

Note: despite that my legs have like, ZERO flab below the thigh, my calves are still somehow giant and I cannot wear 90% boots and it makes me sad. Apparently, ~16" is GIANT.

Remember in the 80s when everyone wore giant tops and leggings and big socks? That worked for me then because I was young and skinny and I could have worn anything anyway.

But today's skinny jeans look is NOT the look of the 80s. Today's tops aren't boxy and 17 sizes too big. (Also, you do not pair them with crimped hair and frosted pink Wet 'n' Wild lipstick.) They are curve-hugging and, well.

The effect of me -- with my excessive top-heavy-ness -- in skinny jeans and an on-trend top would be like...well...picture a bowling ball balancing on a golf tee.

Worse yet if paired with heels.

11 comments:

  1. Right there with you babe. No skinny jeans for me. Even when I was younger, I look back at those pictures, and I did in fact look like a melon ball on a toothpick. Because since I had boobs, I had BOOBS!

    I also have the noassatall thing going for me, so it truly is like the reverse mullet: party in the front, business in the back.

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  2. Preach it!

    I'm relatively hour-glass-y for being a size 14, but I've got big German hips, wide German shoulders, and boobs as big as my head. Oh, and large thighs.

    Skinny jeans? Well, I tried a pair on because a friend insisted. It. Was. Horrible.

    I'll stick with my boot/trouser cut, thanks!

    Also: Wide-calf boots. Zappos.com and DSW carry some, as well as Avenue. I also have 16 inch calves, and have tall boots for the first time in life. It's very nice. (Or, you can buy normal leather ones and have them stretched! You can generally get another 2 inches from them at a leathersmith.)

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  3. No skinny jeans for me either. I don't think they look good on 90% of the people who wear them. And I don't know who is designing knee-high boots, but don't know very many average sized women who can wear them.

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  4. Oh I feel you, you will find no skinny jeans in my closet. Despite being an average size (10), I don't think I could pull those suckers up my legs. I've got one of those hour glass figures except with gigantic boobs (and when I say gigantic I'm talking 36FF on a good day). Pair those bad boys with skinny jeans and someone might mistake them for missile launchers, if they could look past my thighs. For boots, those are a tougher question. I was also born with ginormous calves, which despite their lack of flab, will not fit into any boots either. It's just one giant muscle that flexes like the alien from "Alien" during normal daily activities like breathing lol. A friend of mine with a similar problem actually has her boots custom made, and while it's super expensive it may be the only way to get a great fitting pair of boots that lasts.

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  5. Skinny jeans make anyone with even a hint of an ass look like a water buffalo. They're incredibly unflattering, and even moreso considering the things people insist on wearing with them. I've seen girls who could probably fit into my clothes with a half-acre to spare (and I am not fat, despite being curvy; they are TINY) creating muffin-tops where there shouldn't be enough flesh for such a thing to exist, simply because they refuse to buy pants that fit and keep squeezing into these wretched skinny jeans 3 sizes too small. Tucked into boots. With tops that don't cover the brand-new muffin bulge. When did deliberately trying to create a fat roll become hip?

    Makes me remember the days of leggings and tarp-like tops very fondly... at least then we didn't have to play bumpercars with everyone's new fat roll walking down the street.

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  6. Skinny jeans were created by the devil. Or possibly the devil's 14 year old daughter.

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  7. I agree with EVERYTHING said above. I hate shopping for tall boots as I can never get the zipper up or the boot on. :(
    (Thanks FSM, I will check DSW next time I visit my parents in Fla.)
    I'm not curvy, I have almost no boobs (36B as long as I take the birth control pill!) and no ass and yet I am a size twelve. There are no shirts that fit my broad shoulders or wide upper arms and anything strapless looks ridiculous as my shoulders are too big and I have NOTHING to hold it up. Yeah, I know, shopping is a nightmare...
    Those skinny jeans look stupid on everyone, even the anorexic girls in the magazines. I can't wait for this trend to be over!
    *sighs*

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  8. Skinny jeans don't look good on anyone. Even the people who *can* wear them would look better wearing something else. I read an interview with Padma Lakshmi where she says that she has a pair of skinny jeans, but that she has to be in "Olympic shape" to wear them. And that's coming from a woman who is about 7 feet tall and skinny.

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  9. right now Target has pull on "riding boot" style over the calf boots (style name "Kallista", I think) that's got an elastic panel on the inside of the calf and it TOTALLY FITS MY FAT CALVES.

    They're about $40, I think and only come in black, but they're SO CUTE.

    PS. Skinny jeans are stupid.

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  10. After last year's post about boots, I bookmarked the UK site mentioned. Last winter I had been coveting a (supposed wide-calf) pair in the Eddie Bauer catalog, that I finally ordered in the spring when they came down to about $60. In addition to having thick legs, I am a cheapskate! They arrived, and after months of boot envy...they wouldn't zip.

    In addition to my 17-inch calves, I wear a size 11. So, I'm typically doomed before I begin.

    This fall I was committed to spending the money and getting tall boots (before they go back out of style and all), and started searching online. Found the best prices at Zappos, and ordered three different styles, seemingly different widths. I was hopeful that maybe one pair might fit. I kid you not, I placed the order at 2:00 on a Wednesday and UPS delivered them (free!) at 3:15 on Thursday. Tore the box open, and THEY ALL FIT! One was actually waaay too wide (David Tate: Dove in Black Calfskin), and the other (Fitzwell: Rally/Wide Calf in Black Burnished Leather) I didn't like the elastic panel. The winner was Naturalizer Maxwell Wide Shaft - Black Leather/Suede Plus. All were around $150, which is a fair price for leather boots.

    The point here Kristy, is don't give up on boots! I can't wait to go to my 20th HS reunion this weekend in my awesome boots!

    And have a breezy, elegant Thanksgiving! Your plans sound fine and I think people have given you some great ideas.
    Allison

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  11. I swear by Steve Madden boots, you don't have to buy them online so you can actually try them on before you buy and they are the only brand that fits my calves! Plus they are actually fashionable and attractive.

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