A Word From Our Sponsor, the Lake-men

Seriously. No, seriously.

What the holy hell is going on with spam these days? I mean, I get that spammers have gotten more sophisticated, and they are doing all these clever things to get through to my inbox. But frankly, I sort of miss the days of "Tiffani" sending me email with subject lines such as "I'm glad we met last night ;)" who then tried to sell me penis enlargements and XXXviagraXXX!!!

Because these days I don't even understand what arrives in my mail. Is there logic here, really? Really? Because you know what? If I actually knew someone named Ulrika Waechter or boony hancock or Steptimus Stout, I think I would damn well remember that.

And probably I am not going to open email if your enticing subject line is: Best love dr@gs at best store! Because here I am all literate and shit, and I read "Best love dr@gs at best store!" as "send me monies for furthering my drug- and gun-running efforts here in Eastern Europe." Either that or some horny teenager in Japan needs help funding his hentai habit. Potato, potahto.

Anyway, the thing I really really don't get at all is when there is NOTHING TO DO. The email contains no link. No product. No sales pitch. Nothing resembling sentences, for seemingly no point.

From: Kreszenz Wiseley

To: kristysf@gmail.com

Date: Jul 17, 2006 5:15 AM

Subject: pibysy*

parts think of the Lake-men. Well, well! It cannot be helped, and it
is difficult not to slip in talking to a dragon, or so I have always
heard, said Balin anxious to comfort him. I think you did very well,


*Awesome! pibysy!


  1. Wow, I think that message was actually a quote from the Hobbit. Your friend Kreszenz was merely hipping you to his favorite Tolkien passage.

    I know what you mean about Spam though. It has become madness. If I didn't pursue the offer to purchase "Viagra" or even "v1agra," what makes someone think I'm going to want to buy "VjIAGGRxA" for God's sake?

  2. Oh hell, I immediately recognized that as Tolkien. I am a dork. :)

  3. Be worry no flatfish kinetics
    To read so contiguity bacteria
    Of organise on fill quarterfinal
    He listen of consecration committee
    Have borrow he discharge peer
    Do rain in babble kink
    A draw go dramatic counter
    Do work of drupe topiary
    Or put or funerary intemperate
    I learn my ensanguined jail

    All actual subject lines from actual emails I was actually supposed to take seriously. I'm with ya.

  4. I haven't gotten any Tolkien, but I got spam with Harry Potter (from the Goblet of Fire) text in it, which I found absolutely hilarious.

  5. I'm with you. Now I get pictures all cut up on my inbox. I guess you're supposed to put them together somehow and it'll read a message. And those gibberish emails. I've gotten those too. They're ridiculous.

  6. i think it is cia code and they accidentally sent it to the wrong person....it probably means, "meet me under tree at midnight" and now some spy is standing in the rain wondering why he is alone.

  7. A bunch of my friends and I were walking around thinking we were the ONLY ONES getting spam with subject lines such as "picnic contentious" or other random words strung together. Then I noticed we were getting them at work. This post made me snort trying not to laugh too loudly at work. I hope they think I'm just laughing at customer's names...Anyway, I'm glad someone FINALLY brought this bizarre phenomenon to light.

  8. I have the impression that these carry some cookie or something so that they can subsequently read your mail, your mind, your...fill in the blank? The first thing I do now when I check my email is just delete out of hand all this...er...stuff.

  9. I get those too, what the hell are they?

    I think someone needs a hobby other than e-mailing people random crap.

  10. I got one from Cougar Sanchez the other day, which obviously is what I need to name my firstborn son.

  11. those are sent en masse to tens of thousands of randomly-generated e-mail addresses. i think the point is to see which ones don't bounce back, so that spammers know that those are valid addresses. after that, they send the "real" spam (the stuff advertising dr@gs etc) only to the addresses that have been shown as valid.

  12. Hmm. I've gotten something like that; apparently the Chinese market is RED HOT.

    Also, "Tiffani" must not be THAT glad she met you last night, or she wouldn't be offering you Viagra. Or perhaps she just didn't catch the fact that you're female, and therefore the lack of an erection is perfectly normal and even preferred.

    I'm sure she had a lovely time anyway.



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