- Stephen Colbert
Satire, folks. Just my take on the absurdity of things. Couldn't help it.
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Cable Network Talk Show
Sunday, July 30, 2006. 7:54 a.m.
Sunday Morning Talking Head: Well Senator, you have made some excellent points about Bush’s impeccable record, the strength of the economy, progress in the War in Iraq and the media’s liberal bias. Is there anything else you’d like to add before we wrap up?
Republican Senator: Democrats wear bananas on their heads.
Sunday Morning Talking Head: [chuckling] Oh, ho, Senator. That’s a wild allegation! [turning to the camera] Are you sure you want to go on the record with that?
Republican Senator: I don’t care who knows it! I am a principled man and a loyal American. And it’s high time we expose the Democratic Party for what it is. A bunch of banana-wearing liberals who wear bananas! On their heads!
Sunday Morning Talking Head: Remember you heard it hear first, folks.
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Washington: Official White House Spokespersons Meeting
Sunday, July 30. 8:12 a.m.
Official White House Spokesperson #1: Republican Senator announced on a cable show this morning that the Democrats wear bananas on their heads.
OWHS #2: Which?
OWHS#1: Which what? Which show or which Democrats?
OWHS#2: Who cares which show. Television is television. Which Democrats? Did he name names?
OWHS #2: He just said Democrats. Here, I have the tape. [goes to tape.]
OWHS#1: You know, he’s right.
OWHS#1: He is?
OWHS#2: That Senator, he’s smart as a whip. Gotta hand it to him.
OWHS#1: So...so the Democrats? They wear bananas on their heads?
OWHS#2: Of course they do.
OWHS#1: But...should we issue an official statement? In case this...I mean, do we need to be pre-emptive? I think the press might pick up on this. And the bloggers...
OWHS#2: The bloggers? You honestly think anyone cares what the BLOGGERS say about this? We know from experience they’ll say anything about anyone. They have no shame, and the White House will NOT kowtow to those whiney little bastards. It’s not like they’re VOTERS. Besides, we can’t go around issuing statements about things as fundamentally obvious as how much the Dems love to eat bananas.
OWHS#1: Wear. Wear bananas. You said eat. But they um...he didn’t say they eat bananas, he said the Dems wear the bananas. On their heads.
OWHS#2: Of course. Eating would be too easy for those pussies. Fucking banana wearers.
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Sunday, July 30. 8:15 a.m.
Liberal Blogger: Did anyone catch what that Republican Senator said about the Democrats wearing bananas on their heads?
Liberal Blog Commenter #219: What is this about bananas? Where are the WMDs??? Where’s Osama????
Liberal Blog Commenter #374: haha. bananas! you guys suck! you smell like bananas! Clinton had sex!!!
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Monday, July 31. 5:22 p.m.
Fair and Balanced Host: ...we return now with Republican Senator. Yes, Republican Senator caused quite a stir yesterday when he exposed a secret the Democratic Party had to have wished would stay buried! Let’s go live via satellite to Republican Senator in his home on the shore.
Good evening, Senator.
Republican Senator: Good evening, F&BH. Thank you for having me back.
F&BH: Of course, sir. Always a pleasure. So let’s just get to it. Bananas?
RS: Yes, that’s right.
F&BH: On their heads?
RS: On their heads.
F&BH: Now, Senator, just how long has this been going on? And what do you think it will mean for the primaries?
RS: Well, F&BH, I’d have to remind you that the Democratic Party has a long history of wearing bananas on their heads. This is not new. It’s just another one of their crazy “liberal schemes” they pull out at election time to try and win over the American people. But I’ll tell you: it is my belief that the American people will see through this…through these kinds of shenanigans. The Democrats are clearly desperate and need some sort of [waves hands around] smoke and mirror show to...to DISTRACT the American people from the real issues.
F&BH: Senator, as you can imagine there has been [chuckles] a little “noise” – if you will – on the other side. There’s some speculation that the Democrats are denying your allegations. We have Democratic Senator here with us via satellite as well. Senator can you hear me?
Democrat Senator: Yes, thank you.
F&BH: Democrat Senator, do you have any thoughts on what Republican Senator has exposed?
DS: Well, I think that Republican Senator has a point, to a degree. The Democratic Party does have a long history of enjoying bananas as a wholesome snack food. But, ah, to suggest...sheesh, to suggest that we wear them on our heads? That’s kind of preposterous. We have never—
RS: Yes you do.
DS: This is really a ridiculous argument. We don’t wear bananas on our heads.
RS: Yes you do.
DS: I’m fairly certain that we do not, that we don’t—
RS: You can twist the truth all you like, Senator. We’ve heard it all before. But facts are facts and they speak for themselves.
DS: But, Senator, you can plainly see that I am not wearing bananas on my head. Not now. Not earlier. In fact, I can go on record saying I have never, not once in my entire political career—
RS: I don’t think the American public is interested in your “political career.” [chortles with F&BH] though it seems pretty clear that YOU are. But Americans, they want to know the truth about bananas. That’s all I’m saying. They deserve the truth.
DS: The truth is that there are no bananas! We do not wear bananas in any way! There is no proof! There is no justification for your outrageous—
RS: You’re getting a little worked up there, Senator. I don’t think I should be the one being called “outrageous.” I am not a member of the party in question. It is your outrageous behavior that has the American public concerned. I mean, I’m sorry, Senator, but what kind of people wear bananas on their heads?
F&BH: Democrat Senator, I realize that’s a tough question to answer, but before break I’d like to give you a chance to answer. Please, tell our viewers what kind of public figures wear bananas on their heads, and what message does it sends to voters?
DS: I can’t...I can’t answer that question, that’s an imposs—
F&BH: I’m sorry to hear that, Democrat Senator. I guess Republican Senator will have the last word on the subject for today. We are all out of time on this, but when we come back...
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Monday, July 31. 5:35 p.m.
Liberal Blogger: Our country is at war, the rumors of actual death tolls from the Middle East are growing every day, and this Administration is flailing completely except in its ability to project a unified front on just about every issue, including diversionary ones.
Next thing you know, Bush will claim that the efforts in Iraq would be going better if it weren’t for the banana-wearing Democrats.
Liberal Blog Commenter #92: I’m moving to Canada, I swear it.
Liberal Blog Commenter #93: HAHAHA! YOU CAN’T STAND LOOSING, LOOSERS! MOVE TO CANADA ITS JUST LIKE FRANCE LOOSER. WE’LL INVADE YOU TO! CHEESE EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS!!!!!!!
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Camp David: Bush and His Top Advisors Meet to Discuss Current Events
Friday, August 4. 12:18 p.m.
Top Advisor #1: ...and before we break for lunch, we need to discuss BananaGate.
G.W. Bush: Hezbollah!
Top Advisor #2: [whispering to Bush] Shhh. We aren’t discussing that now. That was yesterday.
Top Advisor #3: Can we move on please?
Bush: It’s fun to say! HEZBOLLAH! HEZBOLLAH! hezzzzzzzboLAAAAAH!
Top Advisor #2: It’s lunchtime. His blood sugar is low.
Top Advisor #1: This will only take a minute, but we need to discuss an important change in our platform. Give Him a couple sound bytes, and we’re done.
Top Advisor #4: What change in platform?
Top Advisor #1: It turns out that this BananaGate is really taking off. The media loves it, the bloggers love it, it’s fucking brilliant and completely bullet-proof.
Bush: I’m bullet-proof! HEZBOLLAH!
Top Advisor #1: So as far as domestic policy goes, our platform is now: Democrats wear bananas on their heads.
Top Advisor #2: That’s terrific. I’m tired of all this gay marriage bullshit anyway.
Top Advisor #4: So was this all Republican Senator’s idea?
Top Advisor #3: Of course not. He was the first to mention it, but we gave it to him. It’s been on the back-burner for months now. We thought the timing of his appearance would work well to get things rolling, so we asked him to mention it.
Top Advisor #1: The timing has been perfect, actually. We won’t be making THAT big announcement until October of course, and we really needed something to pull us out of these summer doldrums now that all these old poor people keep dying in heat waves.
Bush: And in Israel!
Top Advisor #2: [looks at Bush and sighs.] I don’t know. He really seems to have taken to this latest Conflict.
Top Advisor #1: Hey, Mr. President? Sir? Could we talk for a minute about the bananas?
Bush: What’s up?
Top Advisor #3: When you are giving your speech on Monday about [pauses] Hez—
Top Advisor #3: Yes. After that speech, you will be asked some questions about the Democrats wearing bananas on their heads. Are you prepared to field those questions?
Bush: Fielding bananas. Like a farmer!
Top Advisor #1: Please do not mention farmers, Sir.
Top Advisor #3: When the questions come up, we need you to say – Sir? Are you paying atten—okay, you need to say that you are “pleased that this issue has finally come to light” and that you “will not tolerate this kind of policy that makes a mockery of our values and beliefs and puts our freedom in jeopardy.”
Top Advisor #2: Sir?
Bush: [Sighs. Then speaks with complete sincerity, as though delivering a speech to his country] I have been informed of a great threat to our country’s greatness, and to the values we hold dear. Now, there are some who will tell you that the act of wearing bananas on your heads is natural. That it is normal. That it is a right. But I am here today to tell you that God loves freedom, and that freedom does not come in the form of a banana.
Top Advisor #3: That was amazing!
Top Advisor #4: That’s why we call him Mr. President.
Top Advisor #2: I wonder if Mr. President is ready for lunch?
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Conservative Radio Talk Show
Tuesday, August 8. 1:35 p.m.
Conservative Radio Talk Show Host: ...and the foreigners, they brought the damn bananas here in the first place! I mean, what? Like bananas are native to our country? Heh, maybe in CALIFORNIA where ALL the fruits and nuts come from. Am I right?
Get a grip people. Listen up. This is the land of Apple Pie. Not banana pie. No one sells bananas at baseball games for a reason.
Let’s go to the phones.
Caller: Hello? Am I on the air?
CRTSH: You are, congratulations. Millions of people are listening. What have you got to say?
Caller: Hi. Uh...I just wanted to say, to say I think we should give Republican Senator a medal. He deserves it. I mean, how long have we known about them liberals wearing bananas? Years? Prob’ly centuries? But no one says nothing, and a’ course our media don’t do nothin’ about it. They act like they never heard this before! But now it’s all out there and it ain’t never gonna be the same. A medal I think. And you should get one, too.
CRTSH: I don’t know if a medal is in order, but thanks for your call.
You know, I just have to ask. How many of you remember last summer? Last summer when I said I can’t believe how every member – every last one of them – of the Democratic Party is going around wearing bananas on their heads? You remember? We say it, and we say it, and Washington knows it but no one ever listens to us. But it’s just like the Senator said: In the end, the truth will win out. You can’t hide the truth.
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Connecticut: Joe Lieberman’s livingroom
Thursday, August 10. 11:04 p.m.
Joe Lieberman: [holding a banana bunch to his forehead] God damn sons of bitches! How are these fucking things supposed to stay on?
Aide: Sir, I’m not sure that this is the best idea.
Joe Lieberman: You are not here to THINK you are here to AIDE me and I need to get these on NOW, I have a press conference in 15 minutes!
Aide: There might be some Blu-Tack in the office...
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Headline: New York Times
Friday, August 11
YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS:
Dems Waffle On Banana Stance
Republicans Decry Sen. Clinton’s “Banana Hat of Freedom”
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Friday, August 11. 2:28 p.m.
Liberal Blogger: Seriously. I give up.
Liberal Blog Commenter #3: I don’t get it. I thought we were helping.
Liberal Blog Commenter #5: BANANAS!
Liberal Blog Commenter #83: At least there are open forums like these for discourse. Wasn’t it Madison who spoke of harnessing the passion of the masses?
Liberal Blog Commenter #215: Hey dumbassses! GWB can GIT R DONE! All you faggots can kiss my ass! Why don’t you put on some more bananas and go have sex with your boyfriends! LOL.
Liberal Blog Commenter #342: Hey, was anyone else watching? That new guy who’s running for Senate with new platforms that the Dems need so badly? He was just on air saying that all Republicans have green chicken legs! Green! Chicken!! Legs!!! The Times is running a story tomorrow.