Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Next?

My mom once told me that I seem to have a need for something big to be going on all the time. That I am never content to let things just be, that I always seem to need a plan, or a project, or an idea for some major change in the works.

And she was right. I always have, I always do.

Now, since moving to San Francisco, my "big plans" have been a little on the vague side. I realized that making plans for the Entirety Of My Whole Life did not in any way guarantee happiness or fulfillment or permanence. So I cut back. I landed in SF with the slightly less planful attitude of "I'll figure something out eventually. Hey, wanna go to the piano bar?"

I mean, I do make plans, but have been a bit gun-shy to commit to anything too big. (Suppose death and divorce will do that to a girl, huh?) Instead, I've just kind of tried lots of things and wended my way down a path with few expectations. Something doesn't work? That's okay, I'll just move on to the next thing. No big deal.

And this would probably explain how it is that in the 4.5 years I've lived here, I have done things like worked for four different companies, rented four different apartments, gotten into three serious relationships, applied to and been rejected from a competitive grad program in a completely different field from my profession. And so on.

Which is some ways has been pretty great. I mean, it's gotten me to where I am now.

Except...

I'm starting to think that where I am now needs to change again. That I’m kinda ready for the next phase.

I've been in the same job for year, and in the same apartment for almost two. On one hand, I'm actually kind of proud of these facts -- I haven't lived anywhere in my life for longer than two years except my parents' house. But I can tell I'm getting kind of comfortable in an uncomfortable way. I can see how easy it would be to stay exactly where I am, doing what I'm doing, for years. It's fun. It’s even kind of easy. I LIKE my apartment, and I LIKE my job. I LIKE my life.

But not enough that I want to wake up and have it suddenly be five years later. You know?

I feel like I came to San Francisco to get my bearings. To figure out how to stand on my own two feet while recovering from one life-altering event after another. The last few years have been great, but have also been about keeping my head above water. (Am I forgetting any clichés here?) And I don’t think there’s been anything wrong with that.

It’s just that I feel like I am above water now. And I don’t want to just keep treading. I want to swim, go, move forward.

I am in my 30s, and accepting the realization that every day, every week, every month I spend burying my head in the corporate sand is another day, week, month I’ve opted for safety instead of fulfillment. I think it’s high time I admit what I really want and figure out a way to go after it.

Yep, it’s time for change.

17 comments:

  1. Whoah. I know the feeling. You go girl. Please keep up the good work and continue to inspire us.

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  2. You have been at that job for a year?!? Wow, that mean's I have been reading your blog longer than that! I know exactly what you mean about needing a change. Until I got out of the Navy at 27 I hadn't lived anywhere more than 15 months in my whole adult life. It was tough setting roots. I still know that I am not exactly where I would _love_ to be. Good luck and go for it.

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  3. I'm in the same boat at the moment. Pass the oar!

    What frustrates me to no end is the lack of understanding by people around me. They are content with maintaining their existance exactly as it is. Bully for them.

    Life is an adventure, it's up to us to decide if it's going to be an exciting one, or some snooze fest of a tv movie starring Meredith Baxter and Peter Gallagher.

    Jester's cliche' of the day: You only grow if you're stretching!

    Good luck! ;)

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  4. Hi Kristy...

    Hmmmm... are you planning on a move to Scotland? You're moving to a little cottage with a friend and you'll grow roses and write granddaughter sequals to maud hart lovelace's childrens books? (no wait... that's MY dream... )

    What are you up to????!! :) Sounds exciting tho and it sure is about the questions we ask ourselves, aint it? Can't wait to find out what you're creating!

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  5. I’ve been at my current job and apartment for 1 year and 2 months. Passing that first year was a milestone for me. Also, with the same man for over 5 years, when did that happen? Time flies when you’re having fun I guess (love me a cliché). Can’t wait to hear what’s brewing for you!

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  6. You can become a mix of Charlie from Monster-in-Law, and Carrie from Sex and the City. Charlie was a temporary fill-in for a living so that she wouldn't have to commit to a certain career to prevent boredom, and Carrie preferred to be a renter until she was forced to be an owner.

    I, however, would become an owner to ensure a secure residence and then begin temping. That's just in case that plan failed and I was forced to go back into working a stable and boring job, then at least I would still have a place to stay without worrying about rent while waiting for my next paycheck. And if I got tired of my location, I would sell the place and buy a new place with the money I got and have fun customizing it until I was ready for another location change.

    Every woman can dream, can't she?

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  7. i feel the same way. i've been in the same job for almost five years (virtually unheard of in the restaurant business) and in the same town for waayy too many years to count. i like my life. i love my life, and my job, and did i also mention i've been single for over two years? i like that too. most of me is perfectly happy to have this be my life for years, but then a little part that is quite loud in my head keeps saying "if you keep on like this, you'll be single and still working the same job for ten years, and then you'll wake up and be a little over forty and you'll FREAK OUT." i do have a little person to take care of, which means i do have to have some settledness, but i do have to keep the flame of adventure burning otherwise i'll be just like this for ever i think.

    that was a really long winded way of saying i totally understand what you're talking about.

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  8. I can relate. i've been at my job for 6 years and i want nothing more than to get the hell out of here. Looking at the same 4 walls everyday for 6 years can make you a little nutty...

    Change can be good, but its also a little scary sometimes. Good luck, Kristy!

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  9. From one thirty something to another, good for you. We all have dreams, kudos to you for not compromising them.

    All the best, and love reading your blog.

    Best,
    lil'sis

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  10. I MAY or MAY NOT be rocking in the corner at the thought of you moving away.

    But I support happiness and all that.

    So am torn.

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  11. Hey K, Can I come with you? :)
    ~Tonya

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  12. You have to follow your dreams if for no other reason, you'll never have to sit and wonder "what if". Sometimes life may lead you right back to where you were in the first place, but what a ride along the way! Good luck to you and I know that with your charm, intelligence, good looks and humor, no matter what you do, you'll continue to touch people's hearts and souls! Hopefully you'll get something in return. (V word - FIXUT)

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  13. Change sounds good. Now I just need to find a way to put in a good solid effort.

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  14. I read your first sentence and nodded my head - my mother says that too. But my mother goes on to explain that she thinks I always need drama in my life. I don't; my mother doesn't know me very well at all. I'm glad your mother wasn't going in the direction mine was.

    I hope you find where you want to go easily.

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  15. Go ahead and change as many times you like. It doesn't live up to societies expectation but the way society is doing, who wants to be a part of that? I'm 32, have four kids, (although only two husband), I know about absolutely everything, yet I'm not an expert at anything. I've never yet, have done pretty, actually I work real hard, it's just that I do what I feel like doing. I change business like I change panties. But I came up with a business that pretty much sums everything up. I travel, and my whole family cries for my loss. But you don't see me crying, so....

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  16. hey green,

    actually, my inner-editor told me to leave that part out. my mom actually DID think that maybe my constant need for "something big" to be going on was maybe an "issue" and that i should probably talk to a professional about it.

    this coming from a woman who lived through her 20s with a packed suitcase, just in case she felt the need (or had the opportunity) to go somewhere on a whim.

    i did get a therapist when i moved to sf and i did bring this up with her. she asked me if i thought there was anything wrong with my need to have big things always "in the works" and i thought about it and said, "no." i mean, i basically chalk it up to always just wanting to have something to look forward to.

    thanks for your support. :)

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  17. Right there with you babe, I've been feeling that itch for a while and finally decided to do something about it. Crazy? perhaps. but its always an adventure and it feels good standing on the edge of something waiting to take the next step.
    no plans, just movement.

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