Home Again
it's wednesday but i keep forgetting what day it is.
i returned to sf yesterday, after a blurred whirlwind of a week, none of which i have the strength or capacity to write about yet. it was hard, and it still is, and it will be for a long time.
being home isn't great.
when you first get the news, and everyone rushes in to help, and you have to prepare for the services and make arrangements and all that, you are busy and you are kept company and you can only see as far as that. the funeral. settling things. seeing everyone.
and that was great, seeing everyone. the extended sammis "family" is a spectacular group of people. oh, we cried. but we sang! and laughed! so much music and warmth...
but now i'm back and it's only a couple days later and what? i'm just supposed to go back to work now? back to life? we're all just suppoed to suck up and deal? be around people who are alive and healthy and just living as though nothing's different? oh, hey, what are you doing this weekend? oh, me? uh, i dunno...might see friends, i guess. or catch a movie. or crawl under the blankets and curse the fucking sun for being so bright and try to think of a reason to feel like ever getting up again, ever. how 'bout you?
anyway. i wrote once about routine. i will try and listen to myself. writing is therapeutic. i think i might just go back to telling the story i was in the middle of, before death so rudely interrupted*.
stay tuned. and as always, thank you for listening.
*kindly stopped for me?
i returned to sf yesterday, after a blurred whirlwind of a week, none of which i have the strength or capacity to write about yet. it was hard, and it still is, and it will be for a long time.
being home isn't great.
when you first get the news, and everyone rushes in to help, and you have to prepare for the services and make arrangements and all that, you are busy and you are kept company and you can only see as far as that. the funeral. settling things. seeing everyone.
and that was great, seeing everyone. the extended sammis "family" is a spectacular group of people. oh, we cried. but we sang! and laughed! so much music and warmth...
but now i'm back and it's only a couple days later and what? i'm just supposed to go back to work now? back to life? we're all just suppoed to suck up and deal? be around people who are alive and healthy and just living as though nothing's different? oh, hey, what are you doing this weekend? oh, me? uh, i dunno...might see friends, i guess. or catch a movie. or crawl under the blankets and curse the fucking sun for being so bright and try to think of a reason to feel like ever getting up again, ever. how 'bout you?
anyway. i wrote once about routine. i will try and listen to myself. writing is therapeutic. i think i might just go back to telling the story i was in the middle of, before death so rudely interrupted*.
stay tuned. and as always, thank you for listening.
*kindly stopped for me?
K-
ReplyDeleteYou are going through one of the hardest things in life...for the second time. Take the time you need to recover. We, as always, will be patiently waiting your return.
Warm wishes and deepest sympathy,
Erica
my mother always sends cards and makes meals for friends who've lost a loved one 2 weeks after the fact.
ReplyDeleteshe said that at first there's a lot of comfort, but later people go back to their own lives, and she wanted the person/family to know that their loved one hadn't just been forgotten.
it sucks that only time will make this pain lessen.
again, i'm so sorry for your loss. if i lived closer i'd make you a casserole or bring you a margarita.
please accept my imaginary ones.
thank you, melissa. (plus the imaginary kind have far fewer calories!)
ReplyDeletei'm just supposed to go back to work now? back to life? we're all just suppoed to suck up and deal? be around people who are alive and healthy and just living as though nothing's different?
ReplyDeleteNo, you go back to living your life the best way possible, because that's exactly what your father did, and it's exactly what he would want you to do. A life well lived is a great way to say to your father that you miss him. And I know you already know this, but it's nice to be reminded sometimes too.
There aren't ever the appropriate words to say to someone grieving...but I'll try anyway.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't okay, it will never be okay, and that is, perfectly understandably, okay.
My thoughts are with you. I hope someone is there to give you hugs when you need them.
Melissa's mother is brilliant.
ReplyDeleteK - Take your time and do things as you want to. The universe owes you that much right now. I'm glad your family could laugh through their tears.
Welcome back to San Francisco, K. Go easy.
ReplyDeletehi K, just a reminder that we're here to laugh, cry and sing with you whatever you need and whenever you need us!
ReplyDeleteagain, I'm so very sorry for your loss. wish I could be there to give you a big hug... until then a cyber one will have to do. just know that although I wish I could do more, you're in my thoughts.
"A life well lived is a great way to say to your father that you miss him." (El_G)
ReplyDeleteSo true. K, I hope that you take as much time as you need and indulge in yourself and be rejeuvenated. Again, I'm really sorry for your loss.
*Delivering virtual chocolate chip cookies (with extra chips)...*
ReplyDeleteI'm going to up my original offer to 20 martinis.
ReplyDeleteThis is most certainly the hardest time, I think. When I lost my first love at age 18, I had to leave for college two weeks afterwards. Obviously no one there was experiencing anything close to what I was. You can imagine my bar bill. I'm not exactly sure how I got through it (beyond the bar); I just know that eventually, I did. Know that you have so many people in real life and here that are available to talk to/ccry on/wipe snot on our imaginary shirts when you need it.
K- I lost my only child a few years ago -he was only three years old. I didn't know how or when to come back to work, so I took a couple of weeks off and then came back. I just showed up.
ReplyDeleteHR pulled me in and told me I had only been entitled to three days bereavement, and the rest would be counted as "vacation." HA.
Believe it or not, it was good to be back to work, because work was something I knew how to do & the other stuff was... not.
I hope work helps you in that way - not the official HR way, heaven forbid - but in the distraction way.
a stranger - I hope karma came up and bit your nasty HR department in the ass for even addressing you in such a way after what you had went through.
ReplyDeleteK- you take all the time you need and do whatever you need to do. we'll be here for it and so will the rest of the world. Get in lots of hugs. I send my best and happiest thoughts.
no, i don't think you're supposed to just go back to work and life as usual. i mean, if you can, great. but you don't have to.
ReplyDeletei think you're supposed to feel devastated and sad and disoriented. and then i think you're supposed to create a new "normal" that includes your grief. and i think you are supposed to talk about your dad and talk about how you feel and not keep it inside to fester.
no matter what you do, or don't do, you ARE the woman your dad loved so much and was so deeply proud of. as long as you treat yourself with the love and care that he would want for you, and surround yourself with people who do that too, you will be ok.
i picture a little compass with the needle twirling back and forth and all around. it will settle and you will find your center.
there's no getting around this sadness because you were lucky enough to have a great dad... that's the price we pay for that gift.
you have inside you everything you need to get through this. and you will get through this and reach a point where you again can feel filled with joy and hope and promise. i am just so sorry that you have to go through this.
i'll be thinking of you.
i can't even fathom the strength it takes to get through this. luckily for you, from what i've read (which has been, uh, every post you've ever written) you have plenty of that. i am so, so, sorry for what you and your family are going through. internet hugs abound...
ReplyDeleteI can't even add anything that is different than all of the other commenters...well...anything, that is, except for more prayers for you and your family during this time. Wishing you all the best and imaginary hugs as well...
ReplyDeletesweetone:
ReplyDeletethat was so amazingly well put and touching!
Kristy - I don't think there are really any words to express how sad I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you, and wishing for this hard part to pass as fast as possible.
I feel for you. When my grandmother died, my DB's Mum phoned the day after the funeral and said "The funeral's over, you'll be OK now" My response was "No, ask me if I've got over it in about 3 or 4 years"
ReplyDeleteI just started reading your blog yesterday (through the link at Guinness Girl's blog). Because I am going through a possible break up of my marriage I am riveted by your narrative about the break up of yours. Thank you for sharing your story, painful though it may be.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry that you are having to deal with the death of a parent, again. I have no idea what that is like because I am blessed to still have both of mine. However, I stood at my husband's side when he lost his mom and even now, years later, he grieves for her. I think you don't ever get over it, but you do learn to cope. Perhaps returning to work will help return some normalcy to your life, and that I believe is the first step to coping.
I'm glad you're back. It's perfecty okay to crawl under the blankets for awhile. Just not forever.
ReplyDeleteHey K,
ReplyDeleteI haven't been able to come up with the right words to express my condolences, but I am very sorry for your loss. I'm glad that you are back and look forward to you continuing your story. Take as much time as you need. Across the country and world, we ARE here for you. Hug. :)
H Kiki. I'm here if you need anything.
ReplyDeletek,
ReplyDeleteHealing takes time. Make sure to give yourself enough time for that to happen.
And I know it probably sounds really "trite" to say, but - - as time goes by, it really does get a little easier to bear, but it will still always be with you.
I lost my dear Mom three years ago this month, and even though I have been to the point of being able to deal with it for a long time now, it seemed to take forever to get TO that point.
Hang in there. You're tough - - even though I don't know you personally, I can tell you are by your blog entries. Anyone who has gone through the things you have MUST be one tough cookie! :-)
{{HUGS}} from a Central Illinois IIF!
Don't just suck it up...allow yourself to feel awful for awhile. Time, it takes time.
ReplyDeletexo