Even The Dog Laughed At Me

okay, so i have sensitive skin.

(kristy, no one cares if you have sensitive skin.)

(shutup, it's relevant to the story.)

(are you actually writing out your conversation with yourself?)

(um, maybe.)

(nice. they already think you're crazy.)

anyway, before i was so rudely interrupted by myself, i was mentioning that i have sensitive skin. and this is not much of an issue on an everyday basis, except when i suddenly break into hives (oh, and what a sexy look that is!) because of, well...almost anything can cause me to break into them: anxiety, stress, annoyance, tomatoes, etc. (sometimes hard to tell which.)

but also, sometimes i just break out into rashes for fun. sometimes heat. sometimes wool. sometimes for completely unidentifiable reasons.

and so yesterday, i was lounging poolside at a friend's house, enjoying my time off. i was wearing swimshorts and a tanktop. i had my feet propped up, and i was soaking up the rays (from under gobs of sunblock, of course.)

and then i felt a bit...uncomfortable.

my right breast suddenly felt a little...irritated. itchy, a bit. so i oh-so-surrepticiously* started feeling around my tank top, and was momentarily horrified.

there were bumps. all over. hard bumps.

what on earth happened now? am i allergic to my tank top? to the pool? the sun? how is this...

so as i began to fall into a complete panic, wondering what horrific site my right breast might have become, i threw caution to the wind and pulled my tanktop away from my skin and looked down it.**

i couldn't see anything right away, so i had to adjust myself. yes, meaning i was now holding my tanktop away from me with one hand, and gripping my boob with the other hand so that i could see the lower side of it.

and know what i saw?

no, no hives or rash or anything of the sort. nope.

apparently, i had managed to drop quite a large hunk of fried chicken down my cleavage completely unbeknownst to me, and then gone swimming with it!

which meant that it had broken into many bready little parts, now happily tucked away between my right breast and my tanktop.

and then, to add insult to -- well, not so much injury i suppose, huh? -- but just adding insult to my moritifying discovery, the dog came rushing over to see if she could have some of the scraps.

snarky just laughed at me.

as well she should have.

*because right. i am capable of doing anything surreptitiously.

**whatever. it was snarky and her boyfriend. my gaping down the front of my tanktop and rummaging around my cleavage is pretty much par for the course.


  1. ..lol. Ah, Kristy, if you're ever up in Portland Oregon I've got a group of friends that you'll fit right in with!

    Love your blog!

  2. Pretty much something I would do! Made me laugh out loud!

  3. presenting boob food math: fried chicken + mashed potatos = whole meal. squirrels store food in their cheeks. you store it, well, elsewhere. i store condiments there. so if you need any gravy for those potatos, call me!

  4. Sounds like something I would do but I have absolutely no clevage to drop chicken down. I just settle for it getting in my hair.

  5. Um...Kat...are you talking about me?? I mean...you're right of course...but still.

    Kristy - I have a friend who was performing a mammogram on a woman of good proportion and when she lifted her boob to put it on the machine...popcorn fell out.

    Just sayin'. You ain't the only one.

  6. That's knee slappin' funny! Have you ever woken up after a night "out" with just the cheese and meat from a sandwich plastered to your boob? You know...somehow they slipped out without being noticed and you just ate the bun before passing out? No? Oh...me neither.

  7. Hahahha! That was a great mental picture I just got there. Have you ever tried to see how big or heavy and object you can actually hide under your breast? Not that I've done it or anything but I bet you'd be surprised.

  8. Okay, now this is ridiculous. you dropped chicken in your cleavage and didn't notice? sober? Now i just have horrifying trailer trash images of people who sit around eating fried chicken so often that they could pull something like this off. Don't know what to think here.

  9. Im suprised the dog waited till after you discovered it to come beg. If it was my old dog it would have been sniffing your boob the whole time ;O)

  10. dear anonymous,

    i hardly ever eat fried chicken, which is probably what contributes to my lack of dexterity where breading is concerned.

    to clarify -- i dropped a piece of breading into my cleavage, not an actual whole piece of chicken.

    and finally, while it would be possible to drop something sizeable into my cleavage on any given day, especially while wearing an unsupportive tanktop (no bra b/c of the swimming), who said anything about being sober?

  11. Yeah, duh. Of course she was not sober. She has a week off from work, so why not celebrate? not that k needs an actual excuse to drink.

  12. mmmmmm....Shake 'n Bake boobie....aaarrrrgghhhhh

    Great! Now you made me drool at my desk!

  13. OK, well, to be consistent, my dear, you better show a picture.

  14. This just made my day. You are such a delight to read girl.

  15. As I was reading, and enjoying the mental image, I couldn't wait to get to the photos at the end, or at least a sketch of the offending bready little parts attacking the boob,... you can imagine my disappointment when all I found was the small print at the bottom. Oh well...

  16. ROFL!

    I must admit that I read this post so fast, I actually pictured a piece of chicken hiding down there, too ;-)

    I've been having booblical difficulties myself. So have been trying (and most likely failing) to be surreptitious while boob-re-arranging all day today!

  17. nice that I just guffawed at my desk in the middle of my oh-so-silent office.

    I feel SO much better about taking off a cami after seeing a movie this weekend and having something like 10 pieces of popcorn fall out.

    And Anonymous 2:03? you can kiss all of our asses.

  18. it was damn good chicken, if i may say. and if that wasn't an example of breezy elegance, i don't know what is.

    -el snarkster

  19. i don't even want to admit the many times i have discovered a "lost" something or other down my ample cleavage. i feel you on this one! but on an upswing, the cleavage is quite handy for carrying exta silverware when you hands are full or extra rolls of film when you are taking lots of photos.

    not that i have ever done that.



  20. Holy Crap!

    That's the funniest thing EVER!

    I'm not sure it qualifies as "breezy elegance" though ...


  21. What...NO pictures? Guess its time to ILLUSTRATE...... :)

  22. go, haji, go!!

    would *love* to see another illustration (especially given the richness of the subject matter!)

  23. I love having cleavage large enough to rummage in. and what a great phrase, "rummaging around in my cleavage."

  24. Yes, go Haji go. I can't wait to see the illustrations too. As for Anon 2:03, yeah 'cause you know all Kristy's trailer trash friends just happen to have swimming pools on their lots which double as septic tanks. I think I saw you there at the last shin-dig. Weren't you the one "blowing bubbles" under water?

  25. Thank God. Thought it was a whole piece of chicken. Can go to rest now knowing Kristy does not have cleaveage the size of the grand canyon. :)

    i like the part where you pull off your shirt though. fab.

  26. Anon 12:08 said: I think I saw you there at the last shin-dig. Weren't you the one "blowing bubbles" under water?

    Ummm who the hell would name their son 'bubbles'?


  27. It's nipple-lickin' good.

  28. Rock on K!!! I had to go to a wedding back in May. I woke up the morning of the wedding covered in hives -- I had no idea I was allergic to Penicillin...

  29. My only question is Was it Original recipe or Crispy boobie?...uh I mean chicken, Chicken!


  30. KFC...Kristy Fried Chicken...I'll have the breast please.
    (I crack me up)

  31. I seriously just laughed so hard that I snorted. I love your posts!


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