Monday, January 25, 2010

When Was The Last Time You Blogged About Your Armpits?

Have you ever thrown out your favorite razor because even though you can just buy replacement blades you realize you have been using the same handle for so long that you can't remember how long but are sure that if you did you'd be totally grossed out because things shouldn't ever live in a shower that long? And then you forget and get into a nice, hot, relaxing shower and are completely wet and soaped up and conditioner-ed before you realize CRAP, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BUY A NEW RAZOR and then wondered what the hell you were going to do and maybe even envisioned running out of the shower to get your husband's electric razor? But then you thought about how you'd just drip all over the place and get cold (and you remember the last time you tried to shave your legs when you had goosebumps and how you still maybe have scars) and not only that, but you have actually no idea where your husband even keeps his electric razor OR how it works and if it's safe to use in the shower? And then you think about what it would look like if you just thought it was safe to use in the shower but then you electrocuted yourself? And you were found dead in that position? Like, hunched over and wet and only a quarter shaven? And then that becomes such a plausible scenario in your head that you start to fear other ways you might accidentally keel over in the shower? Because this isn't the first time you've had shower issues? Or even the second? Nor is it the first time you've almost keeled over in a bathroom? That wasn't even yours? And then you look down and remember why you were thinking about this all in the first place and figure "You know what? A little shampoo under the arms isn't gonna hurt anything"?

Oh. Me, neither.


10 comments:

  1. Haha! I haven't done this, uh, exactly...but reading this made me realize that my razor handle is at least 7 years old. Um, ew.

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  2. hilarious. I recently dropped my razor in the shower and it burst into all kinds of pieces and I will refrain from describing all the grossness that was inside. I'd had that razor for a number of years. I think it did me a favor by shattering itself beyond useability.

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  3. I've hallucinated in the shower. That was a weird gig. I was convinced something unfriendly was looking at me. It was black with big, gold-rimmed eyes. Every time I closed my eyes to rinse the conditioner out of my hair, I KNEW it was there, staring at me. I finally just rinsed my hair with my eyes open, staring at where I knew it was. This ended up with me leaving the shower when done and asking my fiance if anything or anyone else was in the apartment. He gamely assured me there wasn't. I guess I just wanted someone other than me to say that.

    Those are my shower issues. :p

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  4. Too funny! This very morning I finally broke out the razor (hey, it's winter here in Idaho, who's going to see my legs/armpits?). And as I was trying to balance, and lather up, and still stay enough in the hot water to not get cold (and thus avoid said dangerous goosebumps), I almost fell. Which of course led to the whole, what if I fall in the shower, which reminded me of that guy who taught Sunday school way back when I was 6 who fell in the shower and lived the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Would I be paralyzed? Would I drown? Would I hit my head and bleed to death? And gawd, I do not want to be found naked in the shower, at least not until my latest diet plan/workout gig puts a big old dent in all this flab. I mean, if you're going to die in the shower, it would be best if you were "hott" right?

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  5. no. And I've never tried to use hsb's electric clippers to do a little lady maintenance and wondered how to get a band aide to stick to um...stufff. Either. Never. That's just silly.

    Also? Venus Spa Breeze! You will LOVE!

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  6. I think about falling in the shower just about every time I go in there. I'm not sure what that says about me (extra clumsy? paranoid?).

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  7. Me neither, cause that would like all crazy and stuff. And I'm not.

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  8. Yes! It does gross me out and now that you mention it, my razor handle is at least 5yrs old. EW!

    Oh and this morning, I almost forgot to dry my hair. I somehow managed to forget the step where I take the towel off my head and dry my hair after putting on makeup, and instead went right to the part where I put on clothes. I did not notice that the towel was still wrapped around my wet hair until I went to scratch my ear, and realized that it was covered by a towel, and then it was still a minute or two before it dawned on me why.

    And the worst part is that I don't have a kid keeping me up at night to blame this complete mental lapse on either. I'm just awesome.

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  9. Ok, I just found your blog through CrazyAuntPurl...well. I know nothing about all the craziness you write about. I have obviously never cut myself shaving 'thoseparts' and worried that I was going to bleed to death in the tub while the hot morgue guys stand over my body shaking their heads and wondering what kind of girl does that?!

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