Friday, September 30, 2005

I Didn't Fall Over In The Bathroom At Work

but i came damn close.

so okay. the bathroom on my floor of my building at work has three stalls. and you can always tell if someone's in the first two stalls because the doors are either open or closed. however, the third stall is tricky. the door is always automatically closed, so unless you hear someone, you can't walk in and know if someone's using the third stall.

now, it's not a big deal to me whether someone is or isn't in the third stall at any given point, but when i'm in the ladies' room, i like to know if i have company. you know?

and sure, i suppose i could just walk in and go directly over to the third stall and push on the door and find out if somone's in it, but if someone IS in it, i don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.

so instead, i use the first stall. i go in, and um, sit. and then i bend down and look for feet.

yeah, i know. it's just something i do. whatever.

anyway.

the reason i'm sharing any of this with you is because yesterday i almost caused myself severe head trauma and i thought maybe you should know why, if i'm ever rushed to the hospital from work and i'm in a coma because i've caused myself an otherwise inexplicable concussion in the bathroom, all anyone will have to do is read my blog and then they'll know what actually happened.

and what happened was that yesterday, when i leaned down to look for shoes in the third stall, i sort of lost my balance.

right. in the bathroom, on a toilet, from a sitting position, i lost my balance. (uh, breezy elegance anyone?)

i was just going about my leaning over to look for feet as i always do, but for some reason THIS time, i was too quick in leaning over. and you know how i'm kinda (very) top-heavy? uh huh.

gravity is a harsh mistress, my friends.

and when you're not careful and not giving proper consideration to said mistress, she will come get you. gravity will attack you, out of nowhere, and try and pull you down hard and fast.

and so yes. i actually started toppling over, head first, toward the cold tiled floor of the women's bathroom. and as i was falling, almost as if in slow motion, i could hear myself laughing. at myself.

and i totally would've landed on my forehead if i hadn't managed to somehow -- quickly and rather violently -- grab the bottom of the stall wall.

and so while i badly strained my forearm in the process of catching myself, i did manage to prevent some serious humiliation*, a la someone walking in a few minutes later and finding me passed out on the floor of the bathroom, blood trickling from my forehead, all because i have strange bathroom habits and also haven't quite mastered the concept of gravity.

sigh.

in case you were wondering, no one was in the third stall.




*except for the part where i tell the entire story on the internet. not the point.

32 comments:

  1. Hahahahah! Thanks for getting my morning off to a good start with a laugh. I'm glad you're OK. Be careful of those rules of physics, they can really come around and bite you in the ass sometimes (or knock you our cold in this case).

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  2. Lol ... that's just funny. And why is it exactly that everyone wants to laugh at the falling down person? I've spent at least a quarter of my life on the ground ... depth perception you know. Gravity's a bitch.

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  3. SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!

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  4. Long time reader, first time poster! I can relate to your "strange" bathroom habits (they're normal to me!).. I check the same way you do because we have that mysterious 3rd stall as well. I just can't pee freely knowing someone else is sitting there silently. Just freaks the pee right back up where it came from.

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  5. Umm....This may sound like a strange question but why would you grab the bottom of the stall wall instead of putting your hands on the floor?

    You DO wash your hands after don't you?

    If someone walked in and saw you grasping the bottom of the wall they might think you had some serious issues with....well...yucky thought there.

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  6. OMG!! I can so relate to this. Think attempting to "squat" over a gross public toilet, drunk and on roller blades with a door that doesn't lock. Yup...head first thru the door and into the crowd with pants around ankles!

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  7. oh please someone draw a picture for this one!!

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  8. I do the exact same thing--checking for feet. I've never actually fallen, but I've been afraid of checking and making eye contact with someone else who is checking. (I live in the Midwest, so you don't need to worry about running into me in the restroom.) Thank you for making my crazy seem a little more normal.

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  9. So I'm reading this, and I'm remembering when I did the same thing in our bathroom here at work. And the entire time I'm reading it, all I wanted to know was if there was anyone in that damn third stall! Thanks for not leaving me hanging.

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  10. Entries like this are why I love your blog! You have the best way of capturing something we all do, but making it freakin' hilarious!

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  11. Just a little helpful guidance...next time...hang on to the toilet paper dispenser. That's what I do. Then you can check for feet to your hearts content. But make sure it's the part that's bolted to the wall...because otherwise you'll just end up knocked out, with your pants around your ankles holding a roll of toilet paper. And that's really hard to explain. Just sayin'.

    El Gallo? Love the Tick reference.

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  12. Love K and el_G for the Tick references! They're like big blue salmons of justice...

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  13. Did I ever tell you about the time my cousin and I head-butted each other nearly into unconciousness?

    - cuznate

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  14. hehehe.. thank goodness for you telling this story on the internet, because it was damn funny. I always like to know if there are other ppl in there too, though as of today I have not yet almost fallen from a sitting position on a toilet :-)

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  15. I do the same check! Although one time (and not at band camp) I recognized the shoes of my stall neighbor and before I knew it I extended my left arm under and "waved" to her while saying "Hey you!".

    It took a few days to realize how stupid that was of me!

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  16. in our office, the third stall is the desirable one... as it's the big stall. and you can't ever tell if someone's in there. i can't tell you how many times i've nearly ripped off several fingers pulling on the handle of a door that's locked.

    i will think of you the next time i do that, and be thankful that i'm not face first on the floor.

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  17. Oh my God, this happened to me, too!

    Except I was at a urinal.

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  18. glad you kept your head from bending to the laws of gravity. take it from someone who knows... being found unconscious in a bathroom is a very bad thing.
    thanks for the Friday afternoon chuckle!

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  19. This was so, so very funny that I can't even think of anything remotely clever to say other than this was so, so very funny.

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  20. Anonymous said...
    Did I ever tell you about the time my cousin and I head-butted each other nearly into unconciousness?

    - cuznate


    So many mysteries are suddenly made clear.

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  21. Except I was at a urinal.

    So how did that urinal cake taste?

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  22. So how did that urinal cake taste?

    Minty. VERY refreshing.

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  23. Thank the maker for you! I am always happy I take a moment to come read your blog. You are the best.

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  24. Except I was at a urinal and passed out stone cold backwards....cracked my skull on the marble tile floor and had to go to the hospital for a concussion. Nice start for my freshman year....

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  25. That's funny stuff. BTW - This is my first time to your blog....you have some very funny posts! I'll be back.

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  26. Ooopss!
    I would totally be laughing at myself over this one, too!

    Ok, you never told us, though - Was there anyone in that 3rd stall afterall?

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  27. I tend to look for feet from outside the stalls. Slight hijack: Bathroom etiquette is a weird thing. Ever had someone talk to you from the other stall or from outside the stall. And not just like "Hey, can you spare a square" but 'normal' convo? Or some comment about noises like "Good one!" I really hat ethat crap. Pardon the pun.

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  28. :0 ohhh, my. . . I haven't had the misfortune of this almost devastating maneuver. I find it is best to fart real loud, then if someone giggles you would know you are not alone. If you are like me and cant fart on command. Place your lips shallowly on your forearm and release any air in your lungs in one violent blow. This should be effective, and non life threatening unlike attempting a handstand in a 3x4' stall.

    Jen

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  29. yes, its a fact, gravity is NOT your friend LOL!

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