And Flights Of Angels Sing Thee To Thy HOLY JESUS WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

What other blogger quotes Hamlet when discussing poo and creepy bathroom candles? What? You didn't know that's what I was talking about? Well, now you do.

Also: welcome to my blogging at 10:30 at night.

(When I was in college, I couldn't study late at night. Oh, I could cram with the best of them, just not the night before. My system shuts down and I become MI-TEE punchy. And brain-dumb. Instead, I'd set the alarm for 4 or 5 a.m. and hop out of bed and everything would make a lot more sense. My point is, I shouldn't be blogging now. You're welcome.)

So today I was just innocently and slooooowly wandering down the grocery store aisles, reveling in my child sleeping soundly in her carrier in the grocery cart, hoping that I could waste enough time at Safeway to ensure she slept for at least 30 solid minutes, since instead of napping at the gym daycare she screamed bloody murder the entire time and they had to come get me after 25 minutes of elliptical-ing because guess who's entered the age of separation anxiety?

I found myself in the household cleaner aisle, whereupon I remembered that I needed to replace our it-might-be-toxifying-the-air-but-at-least-it-smells-better-than-the-alternative candle in the downstairs bathroom.

Right? I mean, I buy fancy powerful air-freshening candles for the most frequently used bathroom in the house for the same reason that EVERYONE has an air-freshening candle (or spray or whatever) in their most frequently used bathroom in the house.

I couldn't remember what brand or flavor the last candle was, but it had lasted forever and smelled so good that one of the cleaning people -- the PREGNANT cleaning person*, in fact -- was all, "OHMYGOD what IS THAT? It smells AMAZING." And if there is one person in the world who would know a great chemically scented product when she smells it, it's a person who deals with cleaners all day long WHILE having the pregnant-lady nose of a bloodhound thing going on.

So since Safeway appeared only to have Glade candles, I perused my options. I tend to like "clean" smells, like linen or some of the lighter lavender scents. I am naturally drawn toward white candles and white jars.

Which is how I came to discover that Glade makes a candle called, "Angel Whispers."

Seriously:

And I'm sorry, but this just creeps me the fuck out.

First of all (though least of my concerns, actually), I don't think anyone can smell a whisper. That is because you can't smell sounds. Unless that sound is a burp. And that's not only totally disgusting, it's also totally impossible because angels which, oh hey, are make-believe don't so much eat. And if you're going to argue that angels do eat, because this is the internet and someone is willing to argue just about anything, you will not be able to convince me that they're eating anything so gross that they're producing burps we can smell. Let alone that we'd want to mass market.

MORE IMPORTANT, however, than the issue of not being able to smell angel whispers, is the fact that I don't want ANYTHING whispering at me while I'm on the toilet. Least of all an angel.

I literally stood there in the Safeway aisle, holding the Angel Whispers candle, finding myself getting offended at all the things an angel might whisper about me in the bathroom.

"Fear not, for I-- Holy Hell, woman! What are you DOING in here?"

And what would you tell your guests? They would come out of the bathroom looking confused and scared, and you would ask if everything was okay, and then they'd be all, "I think I heard voices. In the bathroom. Like...someone whispering at me? And they were saying things about God? Maybe? Or commenting on the size of my ass? I don't know. I think I'm going insane.

Except actually you know your guests wouldn't say that because no one in their right mind would admit to hearing angels whispering to them in a bathroom.

[Note: at this point in this blog entry, I looked up from my computer and told Ish about the "Angel Whispers" candle and he stared at me blankly and then I was like, "Well I mean, what do YOU do in the bathroom? What do you think angels would be whispering about YOU?" And then he laughed aloud as he thought of many, many, MANY disgusting and/or vulgar things the angels would whisper about his manly bits, his bodily functions, and his bodily smells.]

[I cannot do them justice so I will not try, but rest assured that my husband thinks the angels would find him impressive in MANY WAYS.

[This is also when I decided to go to bed without hitting "Publish Post".]

Now that I've read this post over in the light of day, I don't really think there's anything to do about it BUT hit "publish."

Well, but let me state for the record that my point isn't that I think buy buying a stupid candle for the bathroom would technically result in angels whispering things about me, I want to know why Glade thinks I want my bathroom to SMELL like angels are whispering things about me.

*Yes. We have cleaning people who come 2x a month. I was entirely uncomfortable about this already (remember the post where I wrote about hiding from the cleaners?) and then one of the girls got pregnant, and now I feel like a horrible human being, and whenever she arrives at my house I freak out and want her to sit down and put her feet up and offer her tea and then my circuits overload and I return to hiding.