Monday, January 18, 2010

Match.com Should Be Thanking Me

The thing about online dating services is that they ask you questions that you're allowed to answer yourself. Speaking from experience, this is pretty stupid. it's tremendously easy to accidentally paint a picture of the version of yourself you'd like to be, instead of the version of yourself you know you actually are.

Not that I ever lied, but like, do I love to travel? Yes! Do I actually travel? Um, not so much. Well, I mean, I do, but mostly to places like Massachusetts.

But I have figured out a brilliant way around this flaw, and in fact I am tremendously glad no one thought of this before. IMAGINE how the online dating world would be if one of the required questions was: What are Amazon.com's current recommendations for you?

In fact, so that you can't lie, Amazon's recommendations should just feed right into Match.com and then ha-ha! Your cover would totally be blown. I mean, you can make excuses like, "They just think this because of that time I bought my friend that thing," but eventually you'll have to admit that you deserve the shit that Amazon is recommending and wouldn't you rather hook up with someone who knows the real you?

For example, this came up for me yesterday:


There's no hiding from that. There's no way to pretty this list up. It is soooooo telling. Let's see...A very un-dude-like drama from (ohthatsright) 17 years ago; a Wii Dancing Mat especially designed to gather dust along with my OTHER Wii Dancing Mat from a failed go with "Dance, Dance Revolution"; and a plug-in atomizer thing that releases hormones into the air for the express purpose of relaxing cats.

OMFG I AM SO SEXY.

So while this paints a far more accurate portrait of my life than any online questionnaire ever could, I guess I feel kind of lucky that Amazon Recommendations weren't part of the online dating scene back when I was part of it. In fact, as I look at this list, I should really feel lucky to be married.

15 comments:

  1. The only flaw in this plan is if you use amazon to buy gifts for your friends and family - then the recommendations are more of a reflection of what your family is like, rather than what you are like. Case in point, my recommendations include: A Mr Beer refill pack (orchard cider!), and and Disney Princess dvd. I guess if it was "pick 3 of amazon's recommendations for you" then I could pick the Wii accessory pack, dog treats, and sony camera case that are all a little more related to me, and not my family.

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  2. I am SO with evilsciencechick. Last time I was on Amazon I was looking for stocking-stuffers for my 8-year old nephew. So today's recommendations (because I had to go check after reading your post)?

    "pull my finger fart pen"
    "slingshot flying pig with oink sound"
    "meatball bubble gum"

    Um, if that was what would be used to choose dates for me, I would RUN SCREAMING AWAY!

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  3. This is too funny! But I'm a teacher so most of my recommendations would be young adult literature.

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  4. Hmmmm... Is it bad that I wish they had an atomizer that releases hormones into the air for the express purpose of relaxing HUMANS? I would so be all over that. I'd be sneakily plugging it in all over the place.

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  5. Ha! I saw your recommendations and thought "Oh, cool".

    Also? Do you think that atomizer thing would really work?

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  6. I laughed so hard at the cat atomizer thing. Then I had to check mine and the first one was a case of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni. I lose. :)

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  7. Thanks to buying things for family, Amazon thinks I'm a Christian dad with a penchant for dark graphic novels and Dora.

    I'd hit that. :)

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  8. Amazon has a bad habit of recommending to me things that I've already bought and rated from them... like the bag I bought in brown they think I also need it in red. And they refuse to stop recommending memory cards for my camera even though I've bought 3 from them already.

    This has the makings of an interesting post, though....

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  9. Maybe they could add it to job applications as well. To weed out some of the weirdos who get through the 1hr interview process looking normal, then turn into the woman from 'Misery'.

    I do love the cat atomiser. Hilarious.

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  10. I shop on Amazon ALL. THE. TIME. But once -- once! -- 3 years ago, I bought a book about U2, and researched books on a particular mental illness that I don't actually have. So now, every single recommendation I get it is for books about U2, and books about mental illness. Or, like someone mentioned above, for stuff I've already purchased... FROM AMAZON.

    So my Match.com profile would show me as a U2-loving headcase, I suppose. Not wholly inaccurate, if a bit unflattering.

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  11. This post, and all of the above comments, are hysterical. I can't stop laughing! It actually reminded me of my favorite (albeit old) Ellen DeGeneres stand-up bit regarding the impression we form of others based on their purchases at a one-stop shopping center: "Whip cream, douche and a lawn chair." I can't get this out of my head!

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  12. Amazing idea! Although mine seems to say I'm a technologically advanced fitness buff when I'm actually a pudgy loser with a BlackBerry & a pipedream about having Jillian Michaels' abs. So maybe I'd try this if I were single? Sounds promising :]

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  13. Or maybe you could use your Netflix recommendations. Mine are:

    - Critically Acclaimed Dark Movies from the 1980's
    -Critically Acclaimed Emotional Documentaries
    -Dark Independent Dramas
    -Fight the System Movies Based On Real Life

    what do you think, an accurate picture?

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