Tuesday, September 25, 2007

South Beach Diet Vodka

You are probably here at this site for one of two reasons. Or okay, three.

1. You are on the South Beach Diet and you want to know if you can drink vodka.

2. You are on the South Beach Diet and you want to know if you can drink vodka and/or ANY OTHER BOOZE.

3. You read my blog anyway and did NOT Google "South Beach Diet Vodka" and/or "South Beach Diet Rum" and/or "South Beach Diet drunk." To which I say: thanks, but YOU ARE IN THE MINORITY.

Every week my search results vary, but a few things hold true. Someone wants to see pictures of strippers from the Hip Hugger in Kokomo, IN. Someone wants a recipe for vegetarian chili. And LOTS of people want to know just how much liquor they can drink while on the South Beach Diet.

And I gotta tell you, I love those people.

To those people, I can share my thinking -- but I warn you it is mostly totally unhelpful, and also terribly irresponsible. Behold my brilliance.

* * *

Booze not only slows your metabolism, it has lots and LOTS of stupid calories. So like, if you're a girl, and you're aiming to consume 1200 calories a day, and you're an alcoholic, your options go something like this:

Daily Food Intake: Option 1
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole grain toast
2 tbs peanut butter
1/4 c cottage cheese
grilled chicken salad
1 apple
2 slices cheese
handful almonds
sensible dinner


Daily Food Intake: Option 2
1 bottle wine
3 potato chips


You see the dilemma, of course, which I blame on "physics" because "physics" is stupid and doesn't work. (Oh yeah, I'm bad-mouthing "physics" again.) But look. We all know that one glass of red wine a day is supposed to have health benefits for us. My point is that if "physics" actually worked, the hypothesis would go:
  • If ONE glass was GOOD for us, then TWO glasses would be even GOODER for us.

  • And like, SIX glasses would put us into the healthiest state of our lives!

This is why me and "physics" don't get along.

So anyway. We may determine that one should not drink a bottle of wine if one is trying to lose weight, unless one is also working out enough to burn off 750+ extra calories a day. And if one is working out that much, one probably isn't Googling "South Beach Diet Vodka," so we don't really need to be too concerned with those people anyway.

Lesson One: a bottle of wine a day keeps the waistline away. Damn it.

From a strictly caloric standpoint, then, the boozes such as vodka and rum and gin might seem like a better bet than the caloric WINE option. Alas, they are NOT. They are SNEAKY. A stiff martini has the same number of calories as a glass of wine, even though it's way less grape-flavored and not sweet at all. (This again is why the "physics" doesn't work and is stupid.)

Remember back when you were learning about how not to ever do drugs in elementary school? Or taking drivers' ed? And they showed you a diagram that illustrates how a shot of liquor is equal to a bottle of beer is equal to a glass of wine (although they TOTALLY leave out their respective deliciousness factors)? Well, calorie-wise it's like that, too.

(BTW, this assumes that you are not adding sugary colas to your liquor, or anything with calories. Diet Coke and club soda are your best bets. Juices, regular sodas and tonic are all loaded with sugar and calories. And remember? We hate those.)

So what does this all mean?

Probably it depends on your tolerance. Ex: I can drink wine for days before I start feeing it, whereas two or three martinis will kick my butt. And 93 glasses of wine have more calories than 2 glasses of gin. (Okay "physics," you win THIS time.) But you and I both know that "martinis" is not really a long-term solution of any sort. Which brings us back to the drawing board.

Lesson Two: Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker. At packing on the pounds.


The only other option, then, is beer.

I love beer.

And the thing about drinking light beer from bottles is that you know exactly how many calories you're ingesting with each one. Plus all those bubbles fill you right up, which means you eventually have to stop drinking, because your body is all "HI I AM GOING TO EXPLODE" even though your head is all, "YOU NEED MORE BEER BECAUSE LOOK HOW SMART IT'S MAKING YOU," even when you have direct evidence to the contrary such as you're wearing your boyfriend's boxer shorts on your head.

Thus, if you can drink light beer, I recommend it as your South Beach Diet drink of choice.

Unfortunately, beer -- and I am sorry if this is offensive to anyone, but it is too true -- makes me pee. More than water, more than coffee, more than any other element on the planet, beer makes me have to pee, A LOT and also RIGHT NOW. I am not kidding when I say that the single reason I do not drink beer is because of how uncomfortable I get because of all the peeing it makes me do. I have actually stood in line at a party outside the bathroom for so long that as soon as I finished my turn, I got right back in line again. I am not kidding even a little bit.

So let's see. To recap this VERY informative post:

  • Yes. You can drink on South Beach and still lose weight. The best way to do this is to not drink.

  • Barring the non-drinking non-option, try to stay away from carbs as much as possible and pay attention to calories ingested. A good rule is that a glass of wine with a generous pour is about 150 calories. So is a martini. Diet beer is about 100 calories. At the end of the day, generally speaking, you want to burn more calories than you consume, regardless of South Beach or any other kind of diet.

Oh! And remember: you have a thing called a "metabolism." It is related to "physics." If you drink too much, the metabolism becomes a mean drunk and will start hording fat just to piss you off. Your only hope at retaliation is by denying metabolism booze, drinking lots of water, and using things called "elliptical machine."

It is the only way.



Next up: nudie pics* from the Hip Hugger!





*I am totally lying.

20 comments:

  1. As much as i hate to acknowledge this information, it was totally helpful.

    And depressing.

    Lite Beer! My new friend!
    ...feh.

    Thank you, Kristy!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmm, I have to say I vote for a bottle of wine and three chips!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I remember calculating how many glasses of wine I could have on Weight Watchers, but I never googled it!

    Hi, I'm a loyal reader.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beer doesn't just make me pee, it gives me gas. And hangovers. Tequila is much kinder. Darn that Dr. Agatston to heck.

    ReplyDelete
  5. But light beer isn't actually beer! Can't I just slip the alcohol into my diet sodas and pretend I'm drinking diet sodas?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Kristy, I heart you. Nobody else can make me laugh this early in the morning.

    Also, my method is a case of beer and 3 chips. And maybe some limes for the beer, because everyone knows fruit is good for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I read your blog because you're smart and funny and touching! And being an old - well, older - married lady I get to look into the life of single girls - very unlike Mary Tyler Moore I have to say! Funner for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  8. 100% of the people who drink water die. yep, it is true.

    so if i am gonna die anyhow, i'm gonna stick with being fat & happy and continue to enjoy my bottle of wine and hunk of cheese with bread. or enjoy my beer & pizza. or enjoy my ketel one and tonic and whatever i desire to eat.

    i've been loving these posts, k. great job. funny stuff.

    oh, and i totally kidnapped the one drawing you did and threw it on the myspace page. but i gave you credit for the artistic masterpiece. is that ok? if not, i'll pull her down.

    ReplyDelete
  9. thank you for reading my mind and authoring this ever so ESSENTIAL TO MY DAILY EXISTENCE post.

    Not that i'm a lush or anything. I enjoy a good glass of wine. Or two. or six. Whatev.

    My reasoning? For wine and how it's good for you?? Wine comes from grapes. grapes come from the earth. jesus ate grapes and created the earth. jesus knows the right thing to do. therefore, by DEDUCTIVE REASONING, drinking wine is the right thing to do.

    **apologies if i have offended any non-christians with this post. feel free to supplement a deity of your choosing in place of said "jesus."

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hee, I just found your blog (NOT through googline South Beach! Through Blogging Barbie!) and you, m'dear, are hilarious.

    Thanks for the information. It seems that the more information I get, the less I want to know any of it at all. Ignorance is bliss ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I should probably just pour any beer I drink directly in the toilet because it goes right through me as well, once I break the seal. However, I wouldn't get that lovely light-headed sensation then, would I?

    I used to drink a lot of vodka and club soda when I did Atkins, and I HATED the taste of it. But no carbs!

    I am planning to drink my face off this weekend...with lite beer. Fewer Weight Watchers Points...but just as much bloat!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Huh. I didn't drink during Phase 1 of South Beach, but now that I'm in phase two, I drink as much red wine as I want. Doesn't seem to have a negative effect.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I actually googled "Can you drink diet coke on the South Beach Diet?". I am considering going on the diet, and am quite the boozy so your blog was pretty funny to read otherwise!

    -Cheyenne from Canada

    ReplyDelete
  14. OK, I did google South Beach Diet Vodka. I hang my head in shame. Very enjoyable read and glad someone else shares my loathing of "physics".

    Kel, Oxfordshire, UK

    ReplyDelete
  15. It's true...I'm a "South Beach Diet Vodka googler".


    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Your blog is really cool and easy to read and understand. I really appreciate your help!

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is a superb information and you have described everything very clearly and really i got a lot from this article, Thanks for spreading this information here..miami beach condos

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ha! I did NOT google south beach diet vodka. I googled vodka south beach diet. Hey, I gotta keep my priorities straight! ;) You're a hoot BTW!

    ReplyDelete
  19. plenty of South Beach clubs that can top the list. The Miami Beach nightlife is know to also attract top DJ's from around the world south beach clubs
    !

    ReplyDelete
  20. This was such the kick in the but i needed. I love my wine.... too much but I need to let it go for now :(

    ReplyDelete