Bagels of Death


I have belonged to many gyms in my day, including the one I am currently offering monthly donations to. (Me and my current gym have worked out a great system, though. I don't go, so I no longer just feel guilty for not working out, now I get to pay for that privilege. Used to be you could get that kind of guilt for free.)

But as we learned in the post below, I was not throwing ENOUGH money at my weight issues, so I decided to supplement my spending by hiring a trainer. And as the first one didn't work out so well, I had to go searching for another.

Now. This second time around, I was a bit more careful, realizing that "cheap" is not maybe the BEST criterion on which to make one's selection of personal trainer. Ahem.

Thus, taking "cheap" out of the search process, I found a wonderful, smart, knowledgeable, enthusiastic and understanding trainer who costs as much as, oh, I dunno, raising a small pony.

(Oh, but that's okay. I'm sure having that "savings" thing everyone's always talking about isn't really all it's cracked up to be.)

So I now meet with my trainer once or twice a week (because seriously, that is all I can afford), and she makes me lift things. And bend. And stretch. And roll. And I think I am doing fine.

I am not sure I am losing any weight or gaining any strength, but I HAVE learned how to get on and off the ball without slamming into the floor. This is progress. I'm considering adding it to my resume. My new LinkedIn headline will be all
"Marketing & Events Professional With 10+ Years' Experience. Can Also Get Off Ball."

I believe we call this "work/life" balance.

Anyway, I started to wonder if maybe the reason I think things are going well is because we haven't really talked about diet. She has touched on the subject, but hasn't come at me full-force with broccoli-related advice, perhaps because she's afraid of scaring me off.

Well, except last week, she gently touched on the subject again.

"What have you been eating lately?" she asked verrrrrry casually.

"Well, I have to say, I'm trying to get into a routine now that I'm commuting. And my first couple weeks were okay, but not great. I stop for coffee at the drive-through every morning, and I was pickingup breakfast there, too."

She maintained a casual air as she asked, "Oh? And what do you get for breakfast?"

Uh oh.

"I've been getting bagels," I said, trying not to look her in the eye.

She tried not to wince. I could see it. "Do you at least get...whole grain?"

"Yes," I said, because I do. But then she asked, "And what do you put on it?"


Now I was wincing.

"...c-c-ream cheese?" I said, as though asking a question. As though turning it into a question could make it be less true.

But it didn't make it less true. And her face fell. She looked at me like I'd just told her I eat puppies for breakfast. With a side of babies.

"Kristy." She said. It was a complete statement. One that suggested, gently, that I had officially ruined her life.

I felt the bagel shame.

And I expected to get a further lecture, to hear details about the evils of bagels, but none came. She had said her piece. We moved on from one form of bendy torture to some other form of bendy torture in silence, save for her suggestion that I do at least 15 reps of some curly arm thing.

But then, as I was huffing and puffing away, she launched into this casual, earnest, HORRIFYING soliloquy about how THIS IS THE TIME in my life to lose this weight and get in shape and get healthy because otherwise I am getting OLD and looking down a dark and narrow path of DEATH. All that awaits me is diabetes and heart disease and stroke and more things that lead to DEATH.

I am maybe paraphrasing.

But the point is, no one in the history of the world has ever painted such a bleak picture of bagels. And she totally meant well and was just trying to be helpful, but OH MY GOD. Bagels! They are just...just...innocent rounds of delicousness! Little discs of heaven, covered in fatty goodness! Satisfying celebrations of carbs!

Except right, they are also apparently killing me. While I was busy thinking "Hey, at least they aren't Krispy Kremes," the bagels have been busy plotting my end, serving as vehicles of doom, working steadfastly to bring about my untimely demise. One cream cheese packet at a time.

Damn it.

So now I'm working on being a Bagel Rejector. Perhaps if enough of us with gym memberships and trainers and guilty consciences come together, we can form some sort of Ban-The-Bagel Coalition. We can march up and down the streets (cardio!) and at last, draw attention to the insidious evil that lives within each scrumptious bagel bite.

We can end the madness.

And the bagels? They can fend for themselves on the black market for all I care.

In the meantime, I shall have to re-calibrate my morning routine. Pass the unflavored, nutrient-rich yogurt, please.


  1. Puppies and babies? NO carbs.

  2. Thankfully, I am NOT a bagel-ite. I AM however on day three of the South Beach FIRST PHASE which really ought to be renamed Death By Vegetables. Right about now I could eat umm, anything? Anything crunchy, salty, sweet or melty ... ANYTHING that was not a vegetable or LEAN protein.

    I hear your pain, loud and clear.

    Good luck with that!

  3. Hey so I have found a bagel substitute that satisfies the craving without making me ingest 600 calories in one sitting.... weight watcher's bagels! They're only 150 calories for a whole bagel. And if you get the low fat cream cheese from the grocery you can get a bagel and cream cheese for pert near 200 calories. Not bad, I think.

    Of course, they aren't as good as normal bagels, but they're actually pretty decent.

  4. Good luck! Hee. I'm not particularly fond of bagels, but I lurve my cream cheese. Trainers/nutritionists quit their jobs and become telemarketers after meeting me.

  5. I love bagels, but hardly eat them anymore. Apparently it's like eating 6 slices of bread.

    So if you're ever in the mood for 6 slices, grab a bagel! :-)

  6. what did she want you to put on your bagel? bagels and cream cheese are a match made in heaven. although i have found that i really (really!) like and egg and some well done bacon on my bagel. in fact i enjoy it so much that i can even not put any mayo or mustard or cream cheese or whatever someone might put on to make it less dry. tell your trainer that you are doing better than i am. my bacon has to be worse than your cream cheese.

    although i'll be honest, i lost 15 pounds in one month on that nutrisystem plan. food wasn't terrible and i found several items that i actually enjoyed. the amazing part was that i could see what a portion was. now if only i would crack down on myself and stick to consuming ONE portion. sigh.

  7. Just before reading this post, I was trying tell myself that I hadn't had a bagel in "almost a week" and that I "deserved" a little comfort food this morning. YOU SAVED ME.

    Please write a post this afternoon about the evils of chocolate cake. Around 3:30? Thanks.

  8. Oh God, the evil, evil bagel. During my junior year in college, my sorority (stop laughing) stopped the breakfast service and just put out a pile of fresh bagels every morning along with various toppings options -- cream cheese, butter, jelly, etc. This was fine and good and easy to eat on the way to class and we were all happy.
    Until suddenly, en masse, no one's jeans fit anymore, and while one could look to the binge drinking as the provider of extra calories, that had always been going on to no ill effect.
    It could only be one culprit. Sure, there was denial. (Maybe less cream cheese and butter? Maybe only half of a bagel?) But ultimately, the bagels were sent rolling down the hill and breakfast became a vat of oatmeal with the barest of toppings. It was a sad, sad day, but one has to allot calories for cheap vodka mixers and Keystone beer, you know.

  9. I'm on South Beach, and my breakfast salvation is eggs. I premake these egg cups in a muffin tin and then nuke them in the morning. When I have more time I do eggs and turkey bacon. Also a fan of V8.

    Bagels really are a horrible way to start your day. When you start with carbs you just eat carbs all day - at least that's what it does to me.

  10. I too have busy mornings, and Clif bars are working out really well for me (I have one with black coffee, so that works out to about 250 calories for the whole meal). Some of the flavors are delicious, like maple nut, or the "mojo" flavors. Or there are low-carb bars if you're into that. I used to do low carb bars but I found that most didn't taste good and I already sacrifice enough for this diet, dammit. Also, I find the Clif bars do a good job of keeping me full till lunch, which is the most important thing. I resisted bars for a long time because I would rather eat regular food, but I can keep a stash in my desk at work and it's so easy, it keeps me from being tempted by more nefarious options...

  11. Thank you for your response. I just visited and I would like to thank you for that information, I might just have to get a booth there next year. As far as the top female blogger, I just wanted someone that is at the very high end of blogging. I'm not saying that I will choose from the 16; so you're welcome to shoot me a message and apply as well. Ok. Cheers

  12. Okay if you want to get yourself to stop eating bagels, here's what I suggest: Order a dozen (I know, but hear me out) from H&H or Bagel Boss, both in New York. Eat those. THEN try to go buy a bagel here. You won't be able to finish it, because once you've eaten New York bagels everything else will taste like shit.

    Snobby NYer,

  13. If "Can get off ball" doesn't belong on a resume, I don't know what does.

  14. Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts have fewer calories than a bagel. Wrap your mind around THAT.

  15. Sorry, Green, but I don't think your method would work. I base this conclusion on the fact that I brought home (and, naturally, ate) a dozen H&H bagels last time I went to New York. And I am still eating the crappy bagels here. You know why? Because ANY bagles are better than NO bagels.


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