Why I Am Not Writing For Cosmo

Women's magazines are constantly announcing that they have The! Secret! to great sex. Or more specifically, they like to tell me that they have The! Tips! for driving him wild in bed.

And I have always found this rather baffling, since it's been my nearly universal experience that The! Secret! to making men crazy in bed is simply by agreeing to go there with them.

I'm pretty sure that for like, 98% of the population, driving him wild is achieved like so:

Him: Honey? Uh, could we have sex tonight?

Her: I don't see why not.

Him: WOO HOO!

See? Done and done.


But the magazines don't stop there, no. Because for some reason, these publications are preoccupied with our sex lives. They seem to want us to be having sex ALL THE TIME. And if we aren't, we have a problem.

Magazine: Are you having sex ALL THE TIME?

Us: Uhm...no?

Magazine: A-Ha! We KNEW it! And we have the answer! Look inside to discover How! To! Keep! The! Spark! Alive!

And you think maybe you will read these articles and discover something new about yourself or your partner, like how to not want to wring his neck for leaving his clunky shoes out on the floor in front of the bed that you cannot see but will trip over in the middle of the night for the 147th time.

But you don't. Instead, you're told that you should buy new lingerie, or cook a meal for him unexpectedly, or do a chore around the house that he usually does. And what fun is that?

The point, I think, is that the articles are always suggesting ways that you can change your routine just enough to make it feel exciting again. And I appreciate this, except I found my own methodology years ago.

I find that all I need to do to keep my man on his toes is to be completely unpredictable about when I may -- or may not -- choose to shave my legs.


Do you remember learning about behaviorism in Psych. 101?

• Scenario A: Every time a rat pushes a lever, he is rewarded with a pellet.
  
  
• Scenario B: The first few times a rat pushes a lever, he is rewarded with a pellet, but then never again.
  
  
• Scenario C: Sometimes when the rat pushes the lever, he gets a pellet. Sometimes he doesn't. The results are random.

And do you remember what the resulting behaviors were?

• Scenario A: Eventually, the rat gets bored and stops pushing the lever, and or he gets too fat and dies. Either way, he stops pushing the lever.
  
  
• Scenario B: Eventually, the rat gets bored with his failures and gives up entirely.
  
  
• Scenario C: Because the rat never knows what the result will be, he never gives up. He keeps trying and trying.

I hope you see where I'm going with this.

If you shave your legs all the time, or even just on a regularly scheduled basis, your partner will come to expect it. He will climb into bed with you and not be stabbed by a million prickly little shards of stubble, and think that is normal. And then he will grow fat and die.

If you never shave your legs, he will eventually come to realize that he will always be pricked by your leg stubble, and/or that your legs will always have a fine sheen of hair. He will eventually grow bored of this, too, and get discouraged. And then leave you. Or die.

But! If you SOMETIMES shave your legs? Ladies, you are in business! Will it be tonight? Or tomorrow? Or...or...sometime next week? Who is to say! But every night, he will get into bed with you, and he will wonder -- and hope -- that he will be rewarded. He knows that sometime soon, your bare legs and his bare legs will meet and yours will be silky smooth and inviting. And he will keep pushing that lever until it happens.

Ah? Yeah?

Take that, Cosmo.