Isn't that just the most charming title for a post you've ever read? Hmm?
Last Thursday I woke up and heard on the news that it was going to be a very bad day for allergies. And I made the cardinal mistake of tempting fate by thinking to myself, "Gosh, I haven't had any allergy problems this week at all."
And then come late morning, as if some celestial entity looked down at me and said, "Hey, why isn't she miserable? We must change that!" my entire head suddenly filled with goo.
My throat grew sore, my eyes turned red and itchy, and I could barely breathe. I have never suffered from such acute congestion in my life. I felt like my head was inside an invisible balloon.
And THEN the day progressed and the fog rolled in and I don't know if it was a change in air pressure or what, but my ears? They just clogged. Like I was on an airplane going through sudden shifts in cabin pressure, except worse because there was going to be NO LANDING to offer relief. Just time and yawning and swallowing and chewing and hoping...
...but by 8 or 9 p.m. on Thursday, I was in tears in a ball on the sofa. My right ear hurt so badly that I felt nauseus, and also everyone on the Internets scares me and I hate them.
In my painful desperation, I went searching online for some herbal/holistic remedies for my ear because (short of going to the hospital) I didn't know what else to do. But -- as happens with the scary Internets -- I kept stumbling upon what I was sure would be The Miracle Cure, only to then find three more articles explaining, calmly and rationally, why if I tried The Miracle Cure I'd end up SCARRED FOR LIFE DON'T EVER TRY THAT.
(I'm not, for example, stupid enough to go pouring hydrogen peroxide down my ear canal simply because some doof with internet connectivity tells me I should. But I totally almost did.)
And OH MAN. There's one site out there where people write in their favorite "homemade" remedies. And so this one dude had explained how his sister-in-law's ear really hurt, and he kept insisting that he had the cure, but she wouldn't trust him. Finally he convinced her that he would fix her right up by sticking a LIT CIGARETTE IN HER EAR and, I dunno, "smoking" out the pain/congestion/wax/horrors. So this random internet sister-in-law said SURE CRAZY ASS MAN WITH A CIGARETTE, WHAT COULD IT HURT? And then according to crazy internet man, he was right and she was cured and now everyone they know thinks Ear Cigarettes are the true Miracle Cure, isn't that so good to know.
But that isn't the best part.
The best part is that following this dude's entry, the site moderator had, for some reason, felt compelled to add his own warning. Please, he urges his readers, you may follow crazy man's advice, but please be sure NOT TO PUT THE LIT END IN YOUR EAR.
Which makes one wonder: just how many people read that post and honestly thought that sticking an ashy, burning-hot LIT AND POTENTIALLY SMOKING CIGARETTE into the side of their head WAS A GOOD IDEA?
More importantly, I really, really want to know how the resulting trips to the ER went, and just what they told the doctors when they arrived.